he says he will kill himself if we seperate

[debs05]

I feel very ashamed writing this, I have posted once before about my husbands affairs, which I found out about last year. I am struggling to deal with them and am in tears most of the time, we have 5 children. I want to be strong and tell him to go but Im scared, scared for the children to be without their dad and Im scared that he is going to kill himslef. Last night I said I dont think I could get over it. he ran out the bedroom and said "watch this", I heard the knife draw open and I was terrified. My two oldest heard it too as hes done it before, I went into their bedroom and was shaking, my son was crying that he didnt want us to split up, my daughter was with my husband who was banging his head on the door. He left and made a dramatic speach about how much he loved them and he was sorry. When I called him he was crying and saying that it was all over and that Id didnt have to worry any more, I thought hed slit his wrists, I told him to come home.Im an intelligent person and I know this is wrong but I feel sorry for him!. He is so desperate to get his family back and its frustration that is making him act in this way. I need to make the decision to be with him without this pressure but I feel like Im having to keep everyone else happy.

He needs counselling. Please try and get him to the GP. But agree, don't let him manipulate you. Your poor kids, and poor you.

I know your right all he says is how sorry he is and how much he loves me and the kids. The thought of his affairs mean too much, I cant seperate them from him loving them, I feel second best

if he kills himself, it will be his choice

same as he chose to have multiple affairs and treat you badly

it is the ultimate in manipulation

what he should be doing and saying is,'i'll do anything to make things right, go to counselling, anger management, see a counsellor, become the husband and fatehr you and the chidlren deserve' not threatening suicide

My friend's boyfriend said the same thing to her. They got married after being together for over 15 years (they didn't live together prior to the marriage), 7 months later he waltzed off with someone else.

My bil had an affair and stayed with his wife because his children begged him to stay. He did so out of guilt. The dc are much older now and independant, my bil and sil will split when the last one leaves home. There is always a horrible atmosphere and they bicker constantly in front of everyone. If they had gone their own separate ways, the children would have got used to it eventually.

don't be ashamed, he should be ashamed

this is the lowest, basest form of emotional blackmail

particularly making the dc aware of his weak and pathetic behaviour, does he realise how much he is damaging them?

have you told him you cannot think straight because of his histrionics and he is more likely to push you away in the long run, because you will lose all respect for him

this is truly awful, and you have get him away from you and your dc before he screws their minds up any more

Next time he does this call the police and an ambulance as he is threatening to hurt himself - this is a remarkably good way of sorting out manipulation from reality!

I am losing respect for him, but I try to rationalise it as desperation. The kids have seen this loads of times and then I back down and say we can work it out because Im scared. I lost my dad 10 years ago and Ive never needed him more than now. I have told a close friend but thats it, Ive been at college all day laughing and joking in class and thinking to myself "if only you knew what my life is really like".

He says he woul never hurt us he just hates himself. I was scared last night, but hes like two different people. he will walk in tonight like nothing happened. Then if I say about us splitting up he will blow again. Its easier not to say anything

Forgot to mention, his mum killed herself when he was 18, she tried many times and finally set fire to the house with herself in it, while everyone was out.

Why are you putting yourself and your children through this, just get rid of him, next time he rants about killing himself, ring the police and get him out, your children should not have to live with the threat that there dads going to top himself.

He chose to take the piss out of you, by having affairs.

Get rid of him he's a loser!

Dont put yourself through the torment dont you think you have been through enough already with the affairs. You owe it to yourself and your children.

what everyone else says

it his last pathetic attempts at getting his own way

he should be ashamed of himself allowing your children to witness his behaviour, let alone the way he has treated you

definitely call an ambulance and the police next time he threatens it, tell them he is a suicide risk and you are concerned for him and your family

how manipulative!

Next time he threatens it, throw a pack of pills at him and tell him to get on with it!

He sounds awful. Manipulative, controlling...and dragging your kids into his mess? What a fucker.

oh dear, what a mess

but you cannot be held to ransom by his dramatics (can you tell I have zero respect for him?)

be with him because you want to, not because its easier, that makes you settle for second best

if you cannot get past his affairs, it certainly sounds like you have tried and if you want to finish the r'ship then you must

personally, I think your dc are being damaged by this and think it truly pathetic that he is carrying on in this way

I could not be with a man like this

Wow, what a horrendous situation for you and the children .

Can't believe he acted like that in front of your kids, what an irresponsible twat.

If you say or do nothing then you are bowing down to his behaviour. He acts like that, you stop mentioning the problem because you know he will switch on the emotional manipulation and that is what it is. Hey presto he wins and each time he does it, it reinforces that this type of behaviour gets what he wants in terms of your reaction. You feel sorry for him, again, he wins and his behaviour is successful. It's an emerging pattern that needs to be stopped.

When he had an affair, he risked that you would be unhappy, be upset, leave him, tell him to leave - whatever. He needs to be a man and deal with the consequences of his actions like an adult instead of normalising this behaviour to your children. This is not your problem, it is his problem and he needs help. It seems apparent that this is a learned behaviour from his childhood that he has picked up - don't let it become one that your children will take into their own adulthood.

Call the police, call the doctor - call anyone who's job it is to deal with such circumstances. People who are serious about suicide d not generally go around making loud threats and banging knife drawers etc. This will get worse and more serious unless you take action and let the professionals deal with him.

So sorry you are going through this

When I read your comments it brings it home what a mess im in. I just want my family back pre-affairs, but I cant forget they happened. He said he didnt know what he was doing when he had the affairs and that he didnt ever think this would happen or I would find out, he is so stupid that he believes it. I know whats right and wrong and I know this is wrong. Everyone thinks hes so quiet and gentle but hes a tortured soul

What a tosser he sounds. If he kills himself, that's his choice and he's responsible for it. You're not.

I would phone Women's Aid and ask how to deal with this because frankly men who threaten to kill themselves usually want to take someone else with them. And without wishing to be over dramatic, sometimes it's their children. So this threat needs to be logged so that any court knows he has threatened suicide. It's really important.

Sorry to sound harsh about this guy but protecting yourself and your children is more important than him and his control-freakery.

I agree with others who say he is being a manipulative and controlling twat.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, but he does..plenty.

He didn't know what he was doing? Please!

You must protect yourself and your DCs from this man. I second, third and fourth calling womensaid who are very helpful in these situations.

In your shoes I'd be very tempted to say..why not do us all a favour and kill yourself? ButI know that's not right!

Im too scared that the kids will witness this. Hes alot stronger than me and I feel as though I have to please him, hes never hit me but over the years he has acted in a very unstable way, once we were driving in Spain and we took a wrong turn, he exploded in a rage and I thought he was going to drive the car off a cliff.

My XP did this the very first time we spli up, he told me that he was going to kill himself because he couldnt live without me, i had a few too many that night and took an overdose.

I did it because he had told me he was looking up the quickest, most painless way to kill himself, and even though i didn't want to be with him i still loved him.

When i came out of hospital we got back together (yes, i know )

After then he got violent, because i had showed him i will let him manipulate me and treat me badly, Do not let him manipulate you, this man isnt any good for you or your children.

I think you need to see your GP tomorrow and ask for help.

Please do not throw pills at him and tell him to get on with it.

Try and sit him down when he is calm and make him see how he is making the people he says he loves, feels.

And get some help for you and the children.