he says he will kill himself if we seperate

[debs05]

I feel very ashamed writing this, I have posted once before about my husbands affairs, which I found out about last year. I am struggling to deal with them and am in tears most of the time, we have 5 children. I want to be strong and tell him to go but Im scared, scared for the children to be without their dad and Im scared that he is going to kill himslef. Last night I said I dont think I could get over it. he ran out the bedroom and said "watch this", I heard the knife draw open and I was terrified. My two oldest heard it too as hes done it before, I went into their bedroom and was shaking, my son was crying that he didnt want us to split up, my daughter was with my husband who was banging his head on the door. He left and made a dramatic speach about how much he loved them and he was sorry. When I called him he was crying and saying that it was all over and that Id didnt have to worry any more, I thought hed slit his wrists, I told him to come home.Im an intelligent person and I know this is wrong but I feel sorry for him!. He is so desperate to get his family back and its frustration that is making him act in this way. I need to make the decision to be with him without this pressure but I feel like Im having to keep everyone else happy.

Just wanted to second what everyone else has said, you can't take responsibility for his actions, you have every right to leave him if you want (even if he hadn't had the affairs!) and you can't be held accountable by him for his childish melodrama.

I also think that getting it on record is an excellent idea, either through Woman's Aid or your GP. And then if he starts saying/doing stuff like before, just call the police. It might (and I'm not sure about this one) even be possible to ring the police in the day, at the station, mention the incident and they might give you a code or something to give out of you need to ring again in an emergency. But that might be daft advice, I remember that happening in the past with a crime/burglary at my old house. How do the police deal with these things, who do they send round, does anyone have direct experience?

Anyway, please don't let him blackmail you, because that's what his behaviour is. It's very hard to stay strong but you must remember what you want, and that the situation is even more terrible for the children if you stay with an emotionally blackmailing unstable bully.

My abusive ex did this - he took a number of overdoses too. (Not enough to kill himself) I left because when those tactics stopped working, I felt that the DC abd I were at far greater risk of harm.

And guess who now has genuinely suicidal thoughts 6 years later. That's right! Me. He took my life away, and it is a real struggle to get it back. I lost my children for years in all of it too, and they lost a bit of themselves.

Don't put up with it. Get yourself safe and then let him do whatever the fuck he wants to himself. Maybe he'll do you a favour and be true to his word, or maybe he'll do you all one and get proper help that he is seriously committed to. One things for sure, none of what happens thereafter is down to you.

Please don't call an ambulance. Ambulances are for when people have tried to kill themselves, not people saying "I will kill myself if...."
Alot of manipulative people who come out with this sort of thing have personality disorders, or are just unpleasant manipulative people rather than a treatable mental illness so I wouldn't hold out hopes of GPs and psychiatrists being able to do alot.
It depends on whether or not he seems generally depressed and miserable, or whether he's his usual self until you mention leaving and then threatens this that and the other.
I would mention it to his GP though, and to his parents.

Agree with 2Rebecca. It is a tactic often used by controlling, manipulative people. Because the default reaction of any kind and thoughtful person to that comment would immediately be to reassure, protect and help - they play on that.

You need to take yourself and your children away from this situation as soon as you possible.

He is forcing you to stay with him by threatening suicide which is the lowest form of backmail I can think of. And involving the children is disgusting.

Like Janos, I think you should call womensaid.

only read op but my dad did this to my mum and we all 4 kids suffered horrifically for the next 15 years as he was abusive, manipulative, depressed, and we knew she had only stayed with him because she was afraid he would kill himself. It's not a reason to stay. I really really feel for you..

Is he a good husband to you? Is he a good father to your children?
We can draw our opinions from what you've written, but only you know the truth.
Do you want to stay together? Can you see a way through this?
Do you need to split? Can you? Can you see a way to do this?
If you can visualise the way you want things to be and ways of making them happen you might be able to feel more in control and able to do what you need to do.
Who can you talk to about this? You need to take action soon. It sounds like your children are aware of what is going on which must be awful for them and you.
I think I'd be quite cold hearted about this and assess finances first, then find a way to document his threats e.g. by calling police. If it comes to a messy divorce and disputes about property, money etc I'd want everyone to know I had no choice.
Has he thought about what he would write in a suicide note to his children?
(Is his life insured? Is it valid if he commits suicide? If not can you ask him to be considerate and make it look like an accident!!)

Actually you have to treat the threats as serious I guess and pass onto professional help. If he intends to go through with it he must have a bit of a mental health problem so needs help. If he is bluffing seeking professional help won't do any harm.