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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he says he will kill himself if we seperate

59 replies

debs05 · 11/03/2009 17:36

I feel very ashamed writing this, I have posted once before about my husbands affairs, which I found out about last year. I am struggling to deal with them and am in tears most of the time, we have 5 children. I want to be strong and tell him to go but Im scared, scared for the children to be without their dad and Im scared that he is going to kill himslef. Last night I said I dont think I could get over it. he ran out the bedroom and said "watch this", I heard the knife draw open and I was terrified. My two oldest heard it too as hes done it before, I went into their bedroom and was shaking, my son was crying that he didnt want us to split up, my daughter was with my husband who was banging his head on the door. He left and made a dramatic speach about how much he loved them and he was sorry. When I called him he was crying and saying that it was all over and that Id didnt have to worry any more, I thought hed slit his wrists, I told him to come home.Im an intelligent person and I know this is wrong but I feel sorry for him!. He is so desperate to get his family back and its frustration that is making him act in this way. I need to make the decision to be with him without this pressure but I feel like Im having to keep everyone else happy.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 11/03/2009 19:19

This is emotional blackmail. As others have said he is manipulative and controlling. You are not responsible for his emotional well being-it is all up to him. He needs help, I would get him to see his GP and tell him that you are not getting drawn into it.

dittany · 11/03/2009 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 11/03/2009 19:23

if it helps in any way, my exh left suicidal messages for me on my phone when i wouldnt speak to him, telling me to say goodbye to the kids etc

instead of killing himelf when his threast didnt work, he got blind drunk and went to fuck a woman who at the time was a friend of mine, on her trampoline in her garden

apprently he wouldnt have done it if i hadnt upset him so much lol

BernardMatthews · 11/03/2009 19:57

This is awful, what a horrid situation for you. I really think you need to leave this man. He is NOT your responsibility and I agree with other posters that if he did kill himself it is his choice and not your fault. However, I think for your own piece of mind you need to make sure he is safe when you leave.

I think you should phone womens aid, your local police station and see your GP. Tell them all the situation, then there will be a record of what is happening in several different places. They can all advise you on what is the best course of action. I really hope you can find the courage to speak to these people and follow through on the advice they give you.

I have experience of a similar situation, it ended badly and I hate the thought that similar things are happening to other women and children. I expect he is bluffing and trying to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you, but I think it would be a bad idea to call his bluff and leave him to it. You need to concentrate on getting your family out of this, it will be much better for all concerned to make a break from him.

If this happens again before you get a chance to talk to these people, I agree with pp suggestion. Phone an ambulance and the police. If he is bluffing it will shock him into behaving, if he is seriously out of control he will get help and you will all be safe.

Good luck, you can do this, you will all be much happier when you are free of this 'man'.

(I have name changed by the way)

ConnorTraceptive · 11/03/2009 20:04

My ex boyfriend use to do this to me. I was very young at the time so easily manipulated. In the end I rang his father and said "look X keeps phoning me and telling me that he has pills and is going to kill himself. I do not want anymore contact with him so please can you deal with this"

His dad went absolutely balistic at him and I think it was a shock to him when he could see what people outide the bubble thought of his behaviour.

He is not your responsibility. You need to speak to his GP or a member of his family. State the facts and let them deal with him.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 11/03/2009 20:15

After your last post where you said he exploded and threatened to drive off a cliff

He is a possible family annihalator.

Get it documented by the police that he is threatening to kill himself.

Leave him.

Sort out that he only has contact with the children he threatened to kill (in the car by driving off a clif) through a contact centre.

ConnorTraceptive · 11/03/2009 20:26

He didn't threaten to drive off cliff OP THOUGHT he would because he was on a rage. i took that to mean would lose control of car

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 11/03/2009 20:39

the word 'going' to me suggested intent. And she said he has acted in an unstable way.

Couple that with threatening suicide in front of the children and it's just a possibility.

5 cases every year in the UK. Including that guy in January who killed himself and his two children and left a bomb in the kitchen for the wife.

2rebecca · 11/03/2009 20:48

I would run away fast and be very reluctant to let him see the kids unsupervised whilst he is this unstable.
Someone threatening to kill himself if I left would be more likely to make me leave as I hate being emotionally manipulated.
I would however be very worried about leaving kids with someone like this, and he'd have to go to court and agree to supervised access to get to see them.
If you love someone you don't upset them with melodramatic hysterics.

ConnorTraceptive · 11/03/2009 20:57

I see what you mean laurie TBH I wasn't thinking about this in terms of children being involved. You are right though if I had had children with my ex I certainly would not have deemed him fit to have unsupervised visits with them

Alambil · 11/03/2009 21:30

let him

If he wants to be that childish and abusive - it's his choice.

Don't let his amateur dramatics persuade you to stay with him.

He's an adult - he chooses his own actions...

Made2OrderJelly · 11/03/2009 21:45

Why do men do this? it makes them look pathetic!

cornishpasty · 11/03/2009 21:56

Don't know what to suggest - but i think he does need help, maybe from GP.

My dad did exactly this - he would row with my mum and then threaten to take an overdose. He would disappear outside to his shed with a knife or tablets and i would sit in the house so worried but too scared to go and look.

Then when i grew up and moved out my mum decided she really was leaving him and he did kill himself.

So all those threats finally came to something....

mitfordsisters · 11/03/2009 21:56

Hi debs05, I'm less shocked by your story than the one about his mum and how she killed herself when he was at a very tender and impressionable age. This makes him more likely to obsess over suicide and to make attempts.

It sounds like manipulative behaviour, and maybe there is an element of that, but he may still be awfully troubled by that experience, do you think?

Call the Samaritans; find a support group for him so you don't have to deal with it all. It's not the end of the world but he may be feeling that it is.

RubyrubyrubyHareb · 11/03/2009 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mitfordsisters · 11/03/2009 22:04

Does he have family who could put him up for a couple of weeks to give you space to think?

MadameCastafiore · 11/03/2009 22:07

Call his bluff and stock up on JD and lots of neurofen - sit and say come on them wash it down, I'll sit here and hold your hand whilst you slip away.

BECAUSE HE WILL NOT DO IT.

He is going through this pathetic play every time you see a chink of light and whoosh the curtain closes again and he has won.

He is a child put to bed at night and left to cry making himself sick so mummy will come running, only becasue he knows it works.

He is manipulating you and you are allowing him to do so.

Do you really think this is doing less harm to your kids than their parents splitting up?

itchyandscratchy · 11/03/2009 22:14

My best friend's mum had this with her dad for 30 years. Eventually she left him and had 10 happy years away from him and his controlling, aggressive and self-centred behaviour.

and guess what...? she contracted cancer and died 18 months ago and he is still alive and kicking.

True story. But those 10 years were fabulous and she was able to rely on the full support of her 3 grown-up daughters who had witnessed his manipulative and bullying behaviour throughout their childhood.

Jux · 11/03/2009 22:15

I cannot urge you strongly enough to put a stop to this. It sounds like your children are already badly affected and they will only become more disturbed the longer this situation continues.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 11/03/2009 22:49

He's going to get himself sectioned if he carries on like this - go to the GP tomorrrow, making an emergency appointment if you have to and don't let him be unsupervised with the DCs while he's anywhere near this state.

Also, unless you want to end up in court or prison, don't listen to the people who are telling you to get supplies in and ask him to get on with it Yes, he's being manipulative, but I think the evidence is clear that it's because he needs serious medical help.

solidgoldbrass · 11/03/2009 22:58

He needs a kick up the ringpiece. This is teenager behaviour.
Though I do agree that you should tell everyone he's suicidal because you are sick of his deciet and disrespect.
And LFC does have a point, he might be dangerous so you do need this stuff on record. Though he is more likely to be just a wanker.

MadamDeathstare · 12/03/2009 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 12/03/2009 17:35

call 999, call the doctor and tell them what he is saying.

call an ambulance.

let them deal with it. if you let them know there are children in house then they will s end police and ambulance.then take it from there.

if he changes his tune by time police/ambulance come you know for sure he was manipulating...

my ex did this so many times.

it got to the point i just thought ok, fine your choice. you are so miserable anyway... i began planning the music for his funeral...

he said he would kill himself if he couldnt be with me and the kids. well guess what he hasnt seen them for months since DV incident and he still hasnt done it! we still awaiting contact centre to be set up. he keeps trying to change venue etc

and he DID have "serious depression" acc to his GP...

piscesmoon · 12/03/2009 18:48

I would hand him over to the professionals, it isn't something you should have to deal with.

BCNS · 12/03/2009 19:07

oh may ex said this.. and that he was emigrating.. I said why not do both.

weirdly he never did either.

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