can one help crying and why is it a bad thing to cry in a discussion if you are upset

[cyphercat]

I was having a talk with DH about something and I just burst out crying as I was upset about something he said. He said that's such an aggressive thing to do, exactly like punching a wall when you are angry. And also that it's an emotional blackmail.

I realize that I cry sometimes because I'm disappointed in something or frustrated but I don't understand how it's an aggressive behaviour. I apologize to him this morning because I didn't want the atmosphere to be so frosty and he said why apologize when you think crying isn't that bad, don't. I said I apologized because I wanted things to be smoother between us but he doesn't get it. Am I weird? He says people cry when someone dies, not when you are disappointed or just sad about trivial things.....

oh.. yeah then I burst out crying again because I was frustrated that we are arguing AGAIN in front of dd instead of my apology making things better.....

Personally I'd have told him to f*ck off
He knows he's upset you and now he's trying to make out you're the bad guy.Typical!

well...he says he's irritable because he's quit a substance he has been leaning for a while and We were in understanding that he would be irritable and this is extremely difficult for him. so he says I should just deal with it....

I cry when I am sad, angry, frustrated, tired...
It has taken dh a good few years to get that. He used to find it hard to carry on a conversation when I started crying but now understands it is just my way of releasing the emotion.
You are totally normal.

If I think I can't cry in front of him, that just feels so cold. Do Other people cry in front of their DH and do they get angry or give you a cuddle..??

I cry when I argue with my DH, I would rather NOT cry as I think it makes me look weak but I can't help it. It used to frustrate DH as it made him feel bad so I just tell him to ignore it and continue arguing with me which after 6 years he has finally got used to. As long as you are not crying on purpose I don't think it's agressive behaviour but i can see why your DH is annoyed.

hmmm. interesting.

oh but my Dh would give me a cuddle if I was crying because I was disappointed about something or upset about something just as long as it's not in the middle of an argument!

I rather not cry either. but I can't help it sometimes. I don't use it as a weapon at all from my part which DH seems to think I do as he doesn't cry at all.

how weird, do some of your DH cry when you argue. So maybe it's a baby thing that I haven't got rid of..???

Sorry but he is really out of order. Crying is not like hitting a wall and it is not aggressive either. Sometimes tears can be passive aggressive but not always. I ahve always cried very easily and it is not something I can control. I so wish I could and if there was a magic switch to stop it I would use it.
People react in different ways to different things and its about time he grew up and learned that. In fact sounds liek he is the agressive one as he is usign your tears as a weapon against you

i hate it when my oh cries if we're arguing. i just feel like no matter what it somehow makes me the bad guy and there have been times when i've resented her for it after. i.e. when she did something pretty bad, i was rightly pissed off the next day and not talking to her (not just my side this is a case when she acknowledged she was in the wrong) and then she starts crying. so then i can't exactly shout at her when she's crying, and i don't want her to be upset so i'm forced to comfort her (well not forced by her, but you know what i mean, i can't not comfort her that'd be horrible and even worse). so the end result is kind of like me apologising when she's been in the wrong. and also not being allowed to work through my anger in my own time. ditto if we are just having a run of the mill argument and she starts crying. i feel i have to stop arguinbg my point because she's upset and in my mind i think she thinks she's won the argument by crying,when she hasn't, i've won it by being right.(joking obviously, i know she doesn't think that, i know she just crys very easily and 99% of the time the arguments aren't worth upsetting each other over so i'll leave it till later when tensions aren't high.)
but my point is that if you are arguing with someone who crys, you can feel resentful because it is a very powerful tool, especially when it's a man arguing with a woman i think.

Interesting view point from a man, Mayorquimby!
Another cryer here, I'm afraid - although I wish I didn't cry or could contain it.
Dh will cuddle me if I cry but obviously not in the middle of an argument with him.
I think OPs dh is being very unfair - how can it be aggressive

I think mayorquimby is spot on about how men feel about the crying thing. cyphercat all I can say is keep telling him if you are arguing and crying to ignore the tears and he will get used to it.

I am another one with an awful tendency to snivel in arguments. I despise this in myself but have never been able to stop doing it - and have often said to people when arguing that they should ignore the blubbering.
Because it is, actually, a bit of a low trick, and some people do blubber as a way of making the other person into the villain (look, I'm crying, that's how sorry I am for whatever I did wrong, so you're not allowed to be angry any more even if I did steal your life savings, fuck your best friend and post a picture of you naked on the Internet).

Oh god, I cry so easily and I hate it! Especially at ridiculous things like appraisals at work - even when people have said nice things. I also get these big huge gulpy breaths - honestly like a three year old really sobbing when I try to stop.

If anyone knows how to stop it please share

DP and I very rarely argue but even if he says something a little bit sharply it can bring a tear to my eye. It is not aggressive, I genuinely hate it and tell people to ignore it and wish I could switch it off.

Now my MIL who knows how to deliberately turn on the tears is another matter

"Because it is, actually, a bit of a low trick, and some people do blubber as a way of making the other person into the villain (look, I'm crying, that's how sorry I am for whatever I did wrong, so you're not allowed to be angry any more even if I did steal your life savings, fuck your best friend and post a picture of you naked on the Internet). "

exactly, or a case of "even though we've both said pretty much exactly the same things about each other. you are obviously much meaner and cruel than i am, and i am much more upset because i am crying and you are not.you couldn't care less. therefore i'm allowed say whatever i want because you are not even upset enough to cry, and whatever you say no matter how truthful or valid must not be said as it is making me cry and you are only saying them to be mean."

BTW i am in no way saying that is the reality or even close to what people on here are actually thinking when they cry.as most of you say it just happens (like with my oh,she can't help it sometimes and has never used it as a weapon)
but when you are in a heated argument and either the crier is in the wrong, or both people are giving as good as the other, that is how it can feel to the other person who is obviously just as angry/upset/frustrated but is not crying.
and also i have seen some people use it in a very manipulating manner but fortunately none who i am close to.

wow it's so nice to know I'm not the only person who does this!

I have only really read the OP so here goes.
When you cry he feels bad. So tries to turn it in on you so he doesn't feel so bad.
You are completely normal.

I cry when upset or frustrated.. i can cry if i think of something really bad or upsetting ( i would make a great actor if it involved lots of crying on cue lol )
If i cried in front of DP or because of him he used to feel so rotten (and rightly so) that he would get frustrated and call me a cry baby.. but if his ex started crying over the phone you would hear his voice soften and it would be a 'There there, no need to cry, come on'

this doesn't bother me, he knows she isn't upset because of him therefore he can cope better.

Ask DH if he would rather your upset manifest itself in you chucking a bucket of water over his head

wow, does anyone really make themselves cry on purpose to manipulate an argument? My parents always said I did but it wasn't true, I try not to but if I'm going to cry it's nearly impossible to stop it. No way can I do it on demand.

I think my parents are emotionally repressed fuckwits. Your fella doesn't sound much better.

I have always had "leaky eyes" (the term my friend gave it when we were 17), but what it so hate or be ashamed of?

My eyes leak when I am emotional in any way - watching a film, weddings, seeing my dds in their school plays, funerals, talking to other people who are upset, when I am angry, hurt... my list could go on.

I think it is a very natural display of emotion but it seems that is something that in modern times we find difficult to deal with (unless it's someone collecting a TV award).

Is it not just another one of these things that we need to talk about with our partners - what makes us tearful, and what it means...

If my dp is emotional he does not cry, he shakes. I can find that quite scary, but I think I know the difference between a scary / excited shake and an about to explode angry shake.

And much better than expressing emotion as verbal or physical abuse.

I cry easily since having had the DCs and I really hate it as I feel it makes me look weak. I don't think in a disagreement you automatically need to be comforted necessarily just because you're crying - I'm no more upset by things than I was before I had the DCs - the difference it it seems to manifest itself in tears rather than me remaining stoney-faced. I have to admit I can see why men find it difficult (although there's nothing you can do about it), but I think it only becomes manipulative when you expect to win the arguement or get your way because of the tears. I think you need to have a chat with your DP about it and what it means and how you want him to respond. However, here's no excuse for being cruel to anyone, whether they're crying or not, and I think your husband's comments were hurtful.

I do think it's shameful. It's showing weakness (because if you are a blubberer, you often do it at utterly inappropriate moments, either when you are protesting an injustice or when someone else is distressed and needs to be comforted, not to have to comfort you).
I have actually been unable to take up a job because of this crappy reflex action which I have spent most of my life trying to overcome.

I agree SGB - it's like not being a grown up. I feel it undermines my reasoned arguement and makes me less supportive to those have a hard time.

hmmm thank you very much for your input. Mayorquimby I know where my DH is coming from but I thought he was going too far when he said people cry only when horrible things happen, like someone dies.. Funnily enough, when I hear that someone died (not anyone I've known personally), my reflex is to laugh... I don't mean anything by laughing either, I guess it's because I don't know how to respond. sigh..oh dear

Well, I guess I will tell DH that I will cry but just to ignore it and discuss again when I'm calmer.