can one help crying and why is it a bad thing to cry in a discussion if you are upset

[cyphercat]

I was having a talk with DH about something and I just burst out crying as I was upset about something he said. He said that's such an aggressive thing to do, exactly like punching a wall when you are angry. And also that it's an emotional blackmail.

I realize that I cry sometimes because I'm disappointed in something or frustrated but I don't understand how it's an aggressive behaviour. I apologize to him this morning because I didn't want the atmosphere to be so frosty and he said why apologize when you think crying isn't that bad, don't. I said I apologized because I wanted things to be smoother between us but he doesn't get it. Am I weird? He says people cry when someone dies, not when you are disappointed or just sad about trivial things.....

Crying is a natural release of tension. If i didn't do it i think i would explode or turn to cigarettes or drink!
I won't do it in front of anyone though, i'll just storm off somewhere, throw a few things (that don't break), punch a pillow and then cry.
After that i feel MUCH better and don't need any props.
The op's DH sounds like a coward. He might like it better if you hit him first then had a cry

laughing can be a nervous reaction

I cry too if my dh has really upset me, and I hate it because I don't want him to feel bad or sorry just because I'm crying

I'm a blubber too. Snot 'n' all sorts. big gulpy three year old tantrummy sobs. It's fucking embarrassing. I don't do it on purpose - stress mounts up, out come the floodworks.

I think Ripeberry is right about the release of tension thing, if I get upset and try to stop myself I get the most incredible headache and am sniffly for the rest of the day whereas if I just have a really good sob and get it all out I actually feel quite refreshed afterwards.

Glad you said that completelyabsolutely I too would get bad headache if I try to stop

this thread has made me cry

Thanks now i have tea all over my keyboard

haha. Thank you so much for posting. It made me feel SO MUCH better. Although we still aren't talking, I don't feel too bad about being a cry baby. I can't apologize I guess, and he's going around like frosty wind so only thing to do is to ignore him until what...?? I don't know I guess he gets in a better mood. What a crab

I think if an adult started crying during a disagreement I would feel emotionally blackmailed by them. It probably makes resolving issues difficult as once someone starts crying it's difficult to continue discussing the issue so things never get properly sorted.
I do think you can learn not to cry. All children cry when upset and blokes have to learn not to cry. It's like learning not to shout and be aggressive when you're arguing. part of controlling your emotions and being an adult.
I think there is a place for crying, but that place isn't during a disagreement as it hinders rather than helps you sort the issue out and leaves the noncrier feeling manipulated.

as my mother says "your bladder is too near your eyeballs". i cry at the drop of a hat, anything remotely sad, sentimental, funny.

i do to some degree agree to the emotional blackmail theory as i use it on dh in certain situations just as i used it on my dad. make of it what you will.

2Rebecca: all right then, give me some tips. I have been trying for the best part of 40 years to get my blubbery tendencies under control. It is like a revolting nervous reflex, because I am not remotely sentimental or easily 'upset'.
(I have tried the 'fanning-your-hand-near-your-face' but TBH though it sort of works it is almost worse because it is such a wanky drama queen attention seeking gesture).

sgb, have your tear ducts removed surgically ?

that would work

I don't know. Crying when you're sad, I can get that. But crying when you're angry or frustrated (even though I have done it) is messed up. I think the other person can see that you're angry or frustrated or whatever, and the crying just seems broken and dishonest.

Obviously it's not consciously dishonest. Girls are socialised to never express anger, so it's unsuprising that it leaks out as tears ... but it's messed up and weird, all the same, and I can see how it's offputting to the other person.

sgb, it sounds like you're just crying a bit, in the circumstances, so it's maybe not the same thing? I mean, if you're together enough to say 'ignore the blubbering' and carry on, then it sounds like maybe you're just a bit overworked. I'd recommend pausing the convo for 10 seconds, deep breaths, and get it all more under control.

Fact is, it's not worth having a serious convo with someone who is overwhelmed with (any!) emotion, it's like having a serious conversation with a drunk person - you won't achieve anything, they probably won't remember it well, and you'll just annoy everyone.

I find crying an uncontrollable reaction. I cry when I am frustrated or upset or angry, it's not messed up it's just another way of showing your emotion, I'm sure there are all kinds of neurological, chemical explanations for why we cry at times of stress. It's very embarrassing actually. I dread being 'disciplined' or criticsed at work for any reason because I know I find it hard to control my reaction and it is very undermining. My mum also has an uncanny ability to make me cry.

Some people may do it deliberately but it doesn't mean everyone does.

wow. I'm amazed at the different replies. DH and I have decided that he tends to shout when he's upset or angry or frustrated and I tend to cry when I'm upset or angry or frustrated so let's just make up and not fight over it.. I guess everyone is entitled to their personal way of expressing if they aren't using it to manipulate others. Shouting can be intimidating as well and I know many people do it when they argue. Healthy way of arguing in ideal world would be both extremely calm and logical but after all, we are human..

"I have tried the 'fanning-your-hand-near-your-face' but TBH though it sort of works it is almost worse because it is such a wanky drama queen attention seeking gesture"

oh god that does sound cingeworthy in the extreme, very oscar acceptance speach.
if those are the two options, stick to crying. far more dignified.

But crying when you are angry doesn't make any sense. I don't think it's neurological or chemical things that cause it - it's the fact girls (and women) aren't ever supposed to be angry, so we have to pretend (subconsiously) to be upset instead.

I used to cry when I was angry. Now I get angry (or talk about my anger). It feels a lot better, I promise. And yes, when I cried from anger or whatever, it was an uncontrollable reaction, I didn't choose to do it. But it's still messed up.

I think, now, that if either person in a serious conversation is not in control of their emotions (crying, shouting, whatever) then the conversation isn't going to work out very well, and they should take time to calm down.

My DP is just like mayor quimby.

One one hand, he thinks that my crying is an over reaction to the situation, but on the other, I'm crying becuase he's already over reacted to something I've done ie sworn at me for some totally trivial domestic misdemeanour.

Then he's all like 'right so now I'm the bad guy, but it was you who didn't wipe down the tiles' and then usually at this point he laughs becuase he looks a total prick and knows it.

It doesn't happen often but it drives me mad. Crying just happens, even when you fight it down.

The hand fanning thing always reminds me of Rachel from Friends, that was one of her 'adorable gestures' wasn't it.

Good point notquitecockney. I'd dearly love to able to shout 'well fuck you' etc in anger at my DP but I can't. I've never shouted in anger in my life at a loved one. It just feels so wrong.

I cry when I get angry too but this thread has made me realise that it only when I am upset and angry.

I don't cry when I get angry with a client. Eg when they start insulting me because they don't like hearing what I have to tell them. I think this is because although I appreciate it when they acknowledge good service, I don't really care what they think of me.

But I do cry when I get really angry with people I love but the only reasons I get really angry with people I love is because they have upset me.

And I cry when I get frustrated with myself, I used to spend a couple of music practice sessions a week in tears! [not naturally musical emoticon]

Thank goodness I'm not prone to crying.

I've never sworn in anger or otherwise at anyone. When I get angry I want to communicate exactly how I'm feeling with the person with words that gets to the point like sword - which I think is more powerful.

Also I think swearing is a sign of weakness, being out of control and unintelligence as well as abusive and I don't want to be associated with any of those.

another easy crier here.

I also think it is often built up anger and leaks out instead of shouting and lashing out.

DH tends to throw things (and yes breaks them), we have learned to not have arguements around the breakables (those that are left).

Once when i got so angry and actually saw the red mist - i couldnt even cry - but did manage to smash a broom handle on the floor.

In the ideal world we would be able to have a grown up conversation without tears shouting or throwing - but how dull would that be.

I do know how manipulitive crying can be and once in a very important meeting just broke down - and i 'won' - my h congratulated me after saying 'good effect with the tears' - it was not diliberate but we got the result we wanted.

I don't actually have a problem with showing anger NCQ. My blubbering can be triggered by 'sad' things that I actually don't give a fuck about, as well as by injustice and frustration - it really, really is like an unfortunate reflex.
I wonder if it is something to do with muscle control - I am incapable of holding in a fart or a burp either