can one help crying and why is it a bad thing to cry in a discussion if you are upset

[cyphercat]

I was having a talk with DH about something and I just burst out crying as I was upset about something he said. He said that's such an aggressive thing to do, exactly like punching a wall when you are angry. And also that it's an emotional blackmail.

I realize that I cry sometimes because I'm disappointed in something or frustrated but I don't understand how it's an aggressive behaviour. I apologize to him this morning because I didn't want the atmosphere to be so frosty and he said why apologize when you think crying isn't that bad, don't. I said I apologized because I wanted things to be smoother between us but he doesn't get it. Am I weird? He says people cry when someone dies, not when you are disappointed or just sad about trivial things.....

"Also I think swearing is a sign of weakness, being out of control and unintelligence "

...with all due respect, I think that is bollocks, but that's probably a whole other thread.

so if we can see that it is something that cannnot be controlled, could the same be said for someone who for example used abusive language or even lashed out. Could that be justified as a reflex in the same way that tears are?

Just a thought - not my point of view.

But having been unable to stop the tears and on occacions lashed out too, i wonder if either can be helped.

i have also been in a position when i it seemed i was unable to string a sentence together without some foul language, It felt similar to when the tears flow actually, i knew i was doing it but didnt know how to stop.

I dont think i am weak because of that - but looking back they are always at times when i am under a lot of stress from other areas of my life - not an excuse, just an observation.

Im kinda withe 2rebecca on this one except I would say its more being emotionally manipulative than emotional blackmail. I also think it is not a concious thing in many cases. Children learn to get their way through crying, my 18 month old has me running round demented atm! I think some of that behaviour carrys on into adult life.

I cry if I am furious. I hate it but cant stop it.

On occasion I have cried when very angry/upset in the middle of an arguement. But TBH I don't think it matters why you are crying - it can just be an outburst of emotion and not something you can control - but I think it places the other person at a huge disavantage which is not terribly helpful when trying to resolve issues.

I have just said " look I am too upset just now. Give me a while to clear my head and we will talk in a minute" that way I get to vent my emotion without it colouring what we are trying to sort out.And without DH feeling crap because he hates it when I am upset

i don't know if this is relevant but..

i've always been crippled by crying! i've hated not being able to get my point across, defend myself in an argument or tell someone exactly why i'm angry as i'd be a snivelling wreck. so i learned to avoid conflict, can't stand the puffy eyes and headaches. but i battled tears constantly, any injustice or slight would set me off. sad adverts, thoughts..anything

but, when i stopped taking the pill ttc 2.5 years ago i was completely transformed. i had taken pill for 12 years and had no idea that all that oestrogen made me an hyper-sensitive tearful wreck! dp noticed the difference immediately and i'm much calmer/ sane and only cry when really normal reaction to

could be hormonal - explains the gender differences.

For those who say you can stop it - HOW! I'd love to, really. I hate the fact I cry - I am not at all a sensitive little flower and certainly don't do it for effect. I don't want people to feel bad or manipulated - I don't feel any more upset than they do, probably - it's just a physical reaction to anger. It's only happened since having kids (gave birth over a year ago so not directly hormone related).

it could be the added stress from the children - i always seem to cry more when i am stressed by other outside things too.

Have no idea how to control it either - but i do think it is linked to loss of some sort of control which is why i do wonder if there is a link with violence (it could be as hard for someone to stop themselves lashing out).

Sure, you can leave the room if you feel you're going to start, but that doesn't really help an arguement. And I can't use the line "I'm too upset now, we'll discuss it later" because I'm actually NOT distraught, and it willl be the same later. I certainly wouldn't cry in front of my DDs unless the situation was horrific.

I can't not do it. I try every time - I'm desperate to stop it as it feels all wrong. I avoid arguements because of it, which, I think, makes things worse.
Another example is my mum died nearly 20 years ago now - obviously I'm sad about it but my life has moved on and I could talk about her quite happily until I had the kids. Now I find myself tearing up if I mention her in the most mundane manner - means I never talk about her, which is sad.

SGB, you didn't seem like the type to not be able to cope with your own anger (that could sound bitchy - I don't mean it that way). But I think, generally, crying when furious is because girls are socialised not to express anger.

How to stop ... hmm, I stopped through lots of therapy, which may not appeal.

But I'd start by acknowledging, with words, when you're crying, that you're angry. You're furious. (You might want to stop the argument at this point, no point in arguing when you're furious, imo.) It's ok that you're furious. And letting it out in words might help stop it leaking out as tears?

NQC: Thing is with me, is that the tendency to blubber and snivel isn't always (or remotely often) in situations when I'm angry. It's ridiculous stuff like reading or mentioning a sad poem (including horrendous mawkish crap), or running out of loo roll, or seeing someone else crying. I honestly wonder if it isn't in some way a physiological glitch like Tourettes?

now what about blushing

I am the worlds most terrible blusher, and I hate it....

It is understandable to cry but the problem here is that the op's partner is uncomfortable with it - i reckon its not so much the crying, its the fact that perhaps they can't resolve what they were trying to talk about that is making him frustrated.

I think you do need to be able to have conversations about big or difficult issues in a marriage when both of you are calm and in control - not crying or shouting - to get anywhere - not easy of course!

I'm a terrible crier. When we argue my partner shouts and I cry and shout. This only lasts a little while, then we sit down and talk it through quite nicely and always end up feeling like we've got somewhere.

My crying used to frustrate my DP , but now he's got over it and can carry on regardless. He understands that I will always cry when emotions are high and I'm not crying because my world is collapsing and I need comforting, but because that's how I react in arguments. If he felt he couldn't carry on arguing when I start crying I'm sure he'd feel manipulated, like i was 'turning on the waterworks' to get sympathy. He knows I wouldn't do this so has just accepted that's the way I am.

And if he stopped when I cried we wouldn't get to the end of the row, which is when we work out what needs to be done for us both to be happy.

Men hate women crying because they've been brought up to think that men who make women cry are bastards. My DP freaks about anything that makes him feel guilty - he can't stand it.

All I meant to say is, perhaps you can cry and shout, so long as you understand each other well enough to know where the boundaries are. You may be able to discuss things better once you've both vented your spleens.

well DH and I have come to conclusion that he musn't shout and bring out loads of crap examples of things I might have done to upset me EVEN MORE in return for my tears at the current argument because that makes me cry even more.... So he stops shouting and I stop crying. I would never shout at DH as I HATE HATE shouting when angry. I used to not cry before I had my dc (I used to be quite proud of the fact that I don't cry easily), it's only after having DCs that I have become this teary blubbery person. How strange.

I always try not to cry. Because 1. it makes you weak and incoherent, and 2. it might not be emotional blackmail but that is how it can be perceived.

I can see whay he means. If you start to cry he can't continue to argue his case, he either has to comfort you (which he may feel unhappy doing at that moment) or walk away (and be called callous) or wait until you stop crying (which might also be seen as callous).