Think my H is NPD - and I will lose my children. Very scared now

[HoneyBadger]

Well it's the final push for me now. I'm leaving H in two weeks time, I have rented a property for myself, made all the practical arrangements and a Plan. Going to my parents for the first fortnight because I will feel safer and also to give me some time to fit the new house out. I am very lucky that I have the support to do this.

But emotionally I am in a terrible mess, I am very anxious and especially because I'm worried I will lose my children and that no-one will believe me.

A bit of background, H is gorgeous, witty,intelligent, considerate and charming - he is silver tongued and could sell ice to the eskimos.

i'm an educated professional, drive a beautiful car, I look well-turned out, friends tell me I'm stunning though I have such low self-confidence it doesn't feel that way. I find it difficult to speak out for myself.

We live in an expensive house - we look like the golden family. We pretend to friends and neighbours that H is a business man working from home (he believes he is really a property developer having renovated some houses years ago and being reasonably successful). In reality he has been on sick leave for 10 years with depression, claiming benefits etc., though he's well enough to participate in expensive hobbies and dream up far-fetched business ideas. Whilst I have worked to support the pretend life style we cannot afford - luckily I have a good career.

I realise that I have majorly colluded with H to decieve people on a number of levels and I am probably going to get my comeuppance quite soon. (He's proficient at conning people who are either vulnerable or don't take the trouble to check him out properly). But if I ever dared criticise him or question him he flies into horrific rages - and I loved him so so much.

You see H is a subtle abuser, he fits several of the Lundy Bancroft abuser profiles, I can tick off a number of the Women's Aid signs of domestic abuse. I spend a lot of time at home being frightened of his moodiness, unpredictability, accusations of my infidelity or cruel behaviuor towards him etc. I don't love him enough or show him affection or give him enough sex - his words.

I'm pretty certain having researched this week that H also fits the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's almost a direct match and for this I feel so sorry for him in a strange way.

I also believe he abuses our DS (who is 18) from what H and son tell me (conflicting stories of course)and never any witnesses to anything - by that I mean overly controlling, angry, verbally abusive, puts him down and is overly critical.

But he dotes on our 9 year old DD who adores him.

Over the past 26 years I have been with H - never had anotehr partner - I have absolutely adored and worshipped him, loved him so much that I would do anything for him. It is only in the past 2.5 years that I noticed his behaviour becoming more overtly abusive and finally woken up and smelled the coffee.

I think I have the strength to leave now, his reaction will be truly terrifying not least the charm offensive when he spins me his stories and begs me to stay whilst threatening suicide.

My biggest worry is my children. I tried to talk to DS about his father's behaviour this week, almost directly after an "incident" when H had been abusive to him. DS said it's no big deal mum. I think the DC's will be in greater denial than me and will fall for his charm and stay with their father.

My parents tell me not to worry, that other people see more than I think. That I have a blind spot for H. They say DC's may be taken in initially but H won't be able to keep up lovely behaviour and although I might lose them for a while they will come back. Both DC's love my parents dearly so they will be a draw for them to come with me too.

I'm sorry this is a ranting post but my head is all over the place, through my own stupidity, denial and naivety I have allowed myself to be completely brainwashed by this man.

I'd love some perspective on this from anyone with the time to read it. What I have written here is only a flavour of what my H is like, i have stories about him and his own father (a conman who has made the national news) to make your hair curl.

Everyday I wake up and have to convince myself I am not insane. How can I convince anyone else let alone my own children if I am not sure myself?

If you have time to read this and offer any reassurance it will make so much difference. I should go to a counsellor I know but I am too scared she will say there is something wrong with me.

Help!

Haven't got time for a long post HoneyBadger but will come back later. But just to say quickly, you're not going mad you have simply faced up to reality and made a very sound decision and are being incredibly strong.

You WILL NOT lost your children (although obviously with DS it will be up to him where he wants to be) but totally different with your DD. Are you hoping to take her with you? Have you thought about the implications of moving out of the marital home, I know yo want to get away from him but that needs to be carefully considered.

My ex-H is I think also NPD and also dotes on our 9 year old DD who adores him! She is what I believe is termed his narcisstic supply but I have no doubt that he truly loves her. He abused me emotionally for years and left me in the end but am so glad he did. Funny, I was the one who supported him too, he's never worked and seems to think that people who do are in some way deviant!

Anyway, this is longer that I thought, just hang in there, he does sound like a classic case of NPD so don't doubt yourself or what you're doing.

God didn't want your post to go unanswered - haven't got long as am at work. But I believe that exH and I lived a lie in our marriage and I know that feeling of confusion.

Not to such an extent as you possibly but my exH was depressed alot of the time, was miserable and moody at home, I felt and still feel he is manipulative and deceptive. Yesterday I was talking abt him to a colleague and the words fake and flake were used.

You have colluded yes because you love him but if you are like me (a sort of what you see is what you get type of person) then this becomes increasingly uncomfortable.

And so you have made your decision. I know you are worried abt your DCs but I believe that they will see thru your H. Mine have started to esp the older one (12).

However even tho we have split two and half years I still have several moments wondering whether I have got it wrong as to the outside he appears so plausible. But then he does something again (for him it really is all abt appearances) and I know I am right in my assessment.

I am starting counselling on Monday to try to get my head around all this and several other issues.

Good luck and hope this helps.

I will b back later to see what other wise mnetters have said.

You know deep down you have been colluding with an abusive, deluded man for years and should have got outa long time ago. Whatever you should or shouldn't have done, though, you are getting out now and I think that can only be a good thing.

I have a friend who has an very similar story to you. Living (and colluding) with a fantasist has left a lasting damaging impression on her. She has been having weekly therapy sessions for the past 5 years since leaving him) to try to sort things out in her head and get her confidence back. Her children also attend counselling.

I think maybe this is something you should look into in the near future.

In the meantime, good luck. You are taking the plunge and are doing the right thing.

Well done Honeybadger for finding the strength to do what you need to do, and for making sure you have the support of important people including your parents.

I too was part of a "golden couple" successful, part of the community, fantastic children etc, etc, But like you, inside myself I was defeated and crying in shame. I let my husband control so many things about our life, and the more I tried to fight back, he more ways he found to exert control.

Your parents are giving good advice - although people in general were fooled by the appearance of our relationship, I had close friends who had seen through it all. One set of friends had stopped coming to the house because they couldn't stand to see how i was being treated. They had tried to offer me support, but I had been too blind and dis-empowered to be able to notice.

My ex and I went to a counsellor, but he only wanted the counsellor to tell me that it was all my fault, that I had a problem because I didn't like to be intimate with him, and who would tell me what I should do to be the "good wife" he expected. Of course the counsellor did not say any of those things. My ex refused to go back.

Do not be fearful about losing your children. You know that you are a good and loving mother. They know you are a good and loving mothers. Things may be turbulent, but it sounds like you know you are doing the right thing. Stick with it. It really, really does get better.

Because you feel scared doesnt mean you are not doing the right thing.

You dont sound at all mad.Your husband has been a parasite both financially and emotionally for many years. You have held things together for the whole family for all this time. I think your life can only improve once you go.

Your parents obviously see your husband for the character he is, and they are right when they say others will too.

Good luck with all of it.

HoneyBadger,

I have written to you before. I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do with regards to leaving your H.

Please also look into counselling for your own self when you are ready.

The website detailed below is one of the best websites I've come across with regards to NPD and how it affects all around them:-

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd

No-one can have any sort of a meaningful relationship with a person with NPD - its just not possible. The only thing I have found that has helped me with my NPD relatives is distance.

Sparkyoldbint - thanks for your time - I knows it long and complex. I am going to take DD with me and then try and negotiate contact with him. I would like us to share care of her, as I believe that's in her best interests. I have a lawyer on standby to back me up if he tries to take her and the Domestic Violence Unit are also ready in case. He's so unpredictable I cannot say what he will do
SinCityLover - you story has a lot of similarities and is very reassuring to me to hear that you are doing well
MrsMattie - can't get DS to a counsellor. I think he is quite screwed up, he made his own suicide bid 15 months ago - he refuses to discuss why. I will try and get courage to go myself
Notsoclever - I had exactly the same experience with the therapist we saw together. She was supposed to say I had mental health problems, was cruel and manipulative. Instead she cleverly made H "kick off" in one of her sessions. He had only ever done this with me in private. It was the moment I saw through him. I have a lot to thank that therapist for. Of course he would not go back because she was a "feminist who only saw the woman's pov"

i have no advice for you but just wanted to wish you luck ,stay strong.

Unavailable - Others say I seem strong and sane too. Perhaps I just feel crazy and unsure on the inside. The policeman in the DV Unit said I seemed like one of the strongest and most sorted out abuse "victims" he has ever worked with. The trouble is I am so messed up I then think well people will think I am the abuser and he is the victim because I look strong. Can't win!
Attila - thanks once again for your support, it truly means a lot. Getting That Book was an eyeopener. I will find the courage to get a counsellor

In my case it has carried on to a lesser degree because he moved on quickly to his next victim partner, who of course is currently colluding with him or hasn't realised what he is like (he changed with me after about 2 years when we got married) and I really have to maintain the reality check to ensure it is him and not me.

I too have read Lundy Bancroft and many bells were ringing.

He still when looking after DCs in my house makes snide remarks about the house, and any other thing he can undermine people on.

I know he has got people at work fooled. Of all the men I have met he is on the surface the most charming and in reality a treacherous snake.

Should have read the warning signs his previous gf changed the locks on their shared property and a mutual friend said she took ages (if she ever did) to get over him

sorry meant me not people!!

I have no advice except stick to your plan and good luck.

SinCityLover - your ex sounds very similar. Treacherous snake is a good description. One of the things I find most difficult is why did it take so long for my H to "change"? Most of the similar stories I have read the woman realises in a few years what she's dealing with. It's been almost my whole lifetime. I answer myself with the signs were there but I didn't spot them because I didn't want anything to rock my boat. Plus I met him so young and have no other experience to compare to. And I am pretty gullible I guess.

do you mean you renting property for yourself and the children or are you leaving the children behind?

if you taking themn with you, why would you lose them?
puzzled..

i fainlly lef tmy abusiv, depressive poss npd etc partner alst april 2008...allwoed him into new place to see dcs, he would then refuse to elave, go on about ow he could not cope etcetc..finally he blew one day smashing bin, putting fist thru door - so was proof i eneded to call police. now going thru courts for contact, still awaiting contact centre to get contact set up.

you need to see a solicitor...you need to think about what sort of contact you want for the childrena dn their father when you moved.

are you filing for divorce? if not, you can apply to court for a residence order for the children which brings the isue to the court arena wher you then discuss arrangemetns for contact and so on.

i was going thru process of applying for residdnce order to be able to set out contact arrangements when he blew and put paid to that - so now on no contact except supervised.

when you moving that is only focus but is beginning of long process...

good luck

Cestlavielife

I am renting a three bed property so there is room for the DC's. I will take DD with me when I leave, first to my parents house. I need to explain what I am going to do to DS. I want to do this in advance so that he can make his own decision whether to come with me or stay with H. I do actually fear for DS's safety if he doesn't come because H has said in the past "if we split up it will be DS's fault". H thinks that DS is a manipulative, nasty, abnormal teenager and that I pander to DS's needs in an unnatural way. He has threatened DS before.

I'm worried that I won't be able to convince DS to come away because DS won't realise what H is really like because he turns on the charm so well.

I think I'll lose the kids because as soon as I go H loses narcissistic supply and will turn to DD and DS, convince them I am mad, bad and dangerous (after all he convinced me enough to seek medical help in the past)then they will make choices to stay with H.

It is their right to decide I know that. I just cannot underestimate his surface personal charisma.

As soon as I have left, I will make appointment with lawyer, file for divorce and he will fight for my contact rights to DD. I'm so afraid they will be brainwashed by him which will count against me.

Has he been a house-husband or stay at home dad (you say he does not earn)? Could he convince a court that he has been chief carer while you have been working full-time, however ineffective he actually was? It seems possible that you could lose custody and have to pay him a alimony and maintenance. Zenia would know. Have you factored this into your plans?

Sincity, my ex has also moved onto a new partner and she's already pregnant with his child. That means he will have 3 children by 3 different mothers - and I can now see that they're all a source of narcisstic supply. His new GF doesn't seem to have twigged either, she's a very sweet and docile woman and I fear for her.

Honey, you will never ever lose your kids but I know why you fear it because I did too. When you talk about turning on the charm, I know exactly what you mean. What I would say about my ex though is that because he does really seem to love DD, he cares for her happiness and therefore wants her to have me in her life as much as him. Over time (it's a couple of years since we separated), we've come to an arrangement which is roughly 50/50, a bit more than I'd like but she's very happy. Do you have any fears for your DD when she's with him?

My ex too tried to convince me I was the mad one - he even called the police on me one night when I went round to the girl-friend's house where he was staying with DD and got very emotional. To cut a long story short,I ended up in the cells with a criminal record. That was my rock bottom and it's been onwards and upwards ever since.

Sorry to ask...... But who is suicidal? Has dh ever suggested he might?

Just to reassure you Honey, I think that's almost impossible Mumsnut - courts these days will try and do anything to avoid giving custody to just one parent. And just because a man stays at home should be irrelevant. With Honey's H anyway, there seems to be all sorts of evidence that he's a malingerer of the worst kind.

Honey badger sorry haven't read everyonelses posts as have to go but just wanted to say I am the dd of this type of person, and I was daddys little girl etc and my brother stupid moron etc,
My mum is still with him, and I haven't spoke to him for 2 years, I know your dd is young but she will know how her father makes you feel, and as I told my own brother the other day just because I wasn't subjected to any ofthe put downs dosen't mean they didn't make me feel like shit, so don't think your dcs will chose him over you

Ha SOB my ex also has new dcs with new P - we have never been introduced - god knows what line he has spun her but I guess he has done that for a reason. Arch manipulator!

From all accounts she also seems a nice woman. Another of his tactics is to really worm his way in with family of current P whoever that is.

At first mine thought the sun shone out of his a* but eventually saw the light.

you have a good job, your parents support, and kids and friends that love you. you've made a brave and brilliant decision, and i wish you lots of luck and happiness!

Don't let custody worries hold you back. Go for it!

Wish I could give you a longer reply to your heartfelt post but I have v little time. It sounds like you are doing the right thing (only read your OP). Whatever you do, first contact Woman's Aid and get support. You will need SO much support, and they are experts. I have a good friend who left an abusive husband in another country and fled with her kids. I don't recall who supported her but was a domestic violence charity. She's now been settled in her new home for many years.

Best of luck, you poor love. Well done for being so brave. And finally, just a reminder of what you already know - everything he tells you to persuade you not to go is a LIE. Never, EVER believe him. He will never change.

Hugs of support to you. xxx

By the way, your DCs won't be taken in. Even as a child I recognised that there was something not quite right about the way my father treated us (temper, manipulation, glossy smile for visitors) - children are very astute about these things.

What are you planning to do about your children? (sorry if you've already posted this - I'll read more later)

xxx