Think my H is NPD - and I will lose my children. Very scared now

[HoneyBadger]

Well it's the final push for me now. I'm leaving H in two weeks time, I have rented a property for myself, made all the practical arrangements and a Plan. Going to my parents for the first fortnight because I will feel safer and also to give me some time to fit the new house out. I am very lucky that I have the support to do this.

But emotionally I am in a terrible mess, I am very anxious and especially because I'm worried I will lose my children and that no-one will believe me.

A bit of background, H is gorgeous, witty,intelligent, considerate and charming - he is silver tongued and could sell ice to the eskimos.

i'm an educated professional, drive a beautiful car, I look well-turned out, friends tell me I'm stunning though I have such low self-confidence it doesn't feel that way. I find it difficult to speak out for myself.

We live in an expensive house - we look like the golden family. We pretend to friends and neighbours that H is a business man working from home (he believes he is really a property developer having renovated some houses years ago and being reasonably successful). In reality he has been on sick leave for 10 years with depression, claiming benefits etc., though he's well enough to participate in expensive hobbies and dream up far-fetched business ideas. Whilst I have worked to support the pretend life style we cannot afford - luckily I have a good career.

I realise that I have majorly colluded with H to decieve people on a number of levels and I am probably going to get my comeuppance quite soon. (He's proficient at conning people who are either vulnerable or don't take the trouble to check him out properly). But if I ever dared criticise him or question him he flies into horrific rages - and I loved him so so much.

You see H is a subtle abuser, he fits several of the Lundy Bancroft abuser profiles, I can tick off a number of the Women's Aid signs of domestic abuse. I spend a lot of time at home being frightened of his moodiness, unpredictability, accusations of my infidelity or cruel behaviuor towards him etc. I don't love him enough or show him affection or give him enough sex - his words.

I'm pretty certain having researched this week that H also fits the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's almost a direct match and for this I feel so sorry for him in a strange way.

I also believe he abuses our DS (who is 18) from what H and son tell me (conflicting stories of course)and never any witnesses to anything - by that I mean overly controlling, angry, verbally abusive, puts him down and is overly critical.

But he dotes on our 9 year old DD who adores him.

Over the past 26 years I have been with H - never had anotehr partner - I have absolutely adored and worshipped him, loved him so much that I would do anything for him. It is only in the past 2.5 years that I noticed his behaviour becoming more overtly abusive and finally woken up and smelled the coffee.

I think I have the strength to leave now, his reaction will be truly terrifying not least the charm offensive when he spins me his stories and begs me to stay whilst threatening suicide.

My biggest worry is my children. I tried to talk to DS about his father's behaviour this week, almost directly after an "incident" when H had been abusive to him. DS said it's no big deal mum. I think the DC's will be in greater denial than me and will fall for his charm and stay with their father.

My parents tell me not to worry, that other people see more than I think. That I have a blind spot for H. They say DC's may be taken in initially but H won't be able to keep up lovely behaviour and although I might lose them for a while they will come back. Both DC's love my parents dearly so they will be a draw for them to come with me too.

I'm sorry this is a ranting post but my head is all over the place, through my own stupidity, denial and naivety I have allowed myself to be completely brainwashed by this man.

I'd love some perspective on this from anyone with the time to read it. What I have written here is only a flavour of what my H is like, i have stories about him and his own father (a conman who has made the national news) to make your hair curl.

Everyday I wake up and have to convince myself I am not insane. How can I convince anyone else let alone my own children if I am not sure myself?

If you have time to read this and offer any reassurance it will make so much difference. I should go to a counsellor I know but I am too scared she will say there is something wrong with me.

Help!

I don't really have anything helpful taht I can add, but I wanted to send you a very un-mumsnetty . Good luck with everything

SO sorry....sorry, sorry....didn't mean to suggest that you will never be right in the head!!!

As UA knows......I know I am insane ....that doesn't mean that everyone else will be too!!!!

Everyone is different....what I meant was that they do affect you, but we are STRONG and we will SURVIVE!!!!!!

ANS SO WILL OUR CHILDREN!!!!

xxxxxxx

I don't think you are insane darling. Not at all. You are among the least mad people I know.

I have just made roast belly pork with roasted sweet potatoes, rosemary and garlic and honeyed carrots for dinner (for myself this evening,) 18 jars of vegetable soup and ten small dishes of shepherds pie (for ds).

Now that is insane. I should be out on the beach walking the dog.

Now going to set the fire and put feet up. Sun is out and french doors open though it's very windy. HB one day this will be you..a nice calm afternoon with your babies safe (I know one is 18 but still) making roast dinners, pleasing yourself and not being shouted at/around.

x

Gee thanks UA! But I know different....mwwwwaaaa..ha..ha..ha..

I have had a lie in....did two loads of washing..including sheets....hung them all out in a force 10 gale....retrieved them all from neighbours' gardens...hung them out again with more pegs....brought them all back in again when it started hailing....put pork in white wine sauce in oven for tea....( am in Yorkshire) ....

Had a laugh with my kids....and NO-ONE whinging and moaning at me.....I can do what I like now...read a book, listen to music with or without earphones...have the radio on...sing (badly).....go out stay in.....or even both....AND ITS NO-ONE'S BUSINESS BUT MINE!!!!!!

Is that heaven on earth or not?

xxxx

Excuse hijack.

If you're mad Saint GG then so am I. Only mad people engage with mad people. Therefore we are both mad.

Only I am not mad. You are making me mad (cross) insisting you are mad. Do not keep saying you are mad because it sounds mad.

For the millionth time stop exagerating about being mad.

Postscript: Mad people don't cook like us. We ate yellow rice with cocktail sausage rolls on top and brown sauce for sunday lunch when we were children. Or what we (five kids) called 'brown stuff' (have no idea what it was but it was reverentially called brown stuff)

Now THAT is mad. I thought it was normal and eccentric. Bollocks. It was plain nuts.

honeybadger every best wish and i think like the other posters are saying who have had direct experience it will get better over time with your dcs. they have you and you sound very clued up and determined to make the future for you and your dcs a good one.

thanks again for this incredible thread, sharing your experiences and the responding posters sharing theirs really helps.

i thought i was loosing it...but reading this has been one hell of an eye opener it explains so much of his behaviour...

so sad to read the bit about how they see their children as objects ... this has been making me feel very disturbed over the last year as dp refers to dd like she is a toy its his turn to play with her, that sort of thing and when we are out he wont just play with her he will seek out other parents to sort of compare our dd with theirs, boasting that dd can do this, that, etc wanting people to compliment him on having such a pretty clever baby...and then come back to me and tell me that other baby is so fat, etc etc... weird and weirder behaviour.

when people come over he tries to get her to do party trick, repeatedly telling her do this do that (much to her confusion) and i have often found myself whispering to him that she is a child not a dog.

i want to get out before its gets worse.

Hello messymissy

Are you okay? If you need to vent just keep posting. There are other survivors of Ns here who will always respond.

Sounds like your DP is idealising your DD, and of course basking in her perceived reflected glory.

I had this from both my parents when I was little....alternated with beatings for not conforming to some impossible other ideal, which of course was in their twisted heads so I was never able to actually know how to conform.

Any slight deviation from the controlling, irrational rules were punished severely.

Reading your post reminded me of one occasion, when I had made a pot of tea for my father... nervous and terrified of course that there would be something wrong with it...a pot of tea!!!! What could possibly go wrong with that????

Well of course I had made it in the little pot, not the big pot....so a huge rage erupted and the pot of hot tea was smashed from the stove in front of me, and across the kitchen floor.

Reading that back now...its like a different person experiencing that life...but it was me, a ten year old girl. That was my normal....

Didn't post that for pity and so on...just to let you and anyone else living with these devil-freaks that there is escape.

My problem was of course that my mother was one too....so what can you do as a child? When you know nothing else?

I had to wait until I was 50 to escape...but at least I have saved my children.

I do think that young people should be made aware somehow of these half-humans...it would save a lot of money on ADs, notthe mention the anguish.

HTH xxxxxxx

Hi gettingagrip, ok but worried. so sad to hear about your early years. I would love to vent but don't want to hijack this thread. but it has been so hugely enlightening. odd things have been going on for over a year now and i have had this growing sense of deep unease and thought i was being over anxious worrying about the future for little dd. i feel anxious when he is due home as i never know what he will complain / put me down about, its rarely the same thing but always always really petty (imho) he craves praise and complains if i don't tell him he looks nice, yet he wont shave for days on end?!!

dont want little dd feeling anxious to that daddy due home, what will she get told off for. have raised this with him and he says he should be in control of her and allowed to discipline her - she is not even two yet!!!!!

I have given up at home, do the bare minimum now as got to the point - why should i bust a gut doing all the things he expects me to do when he will find something anyway. So i play with little dd or go out instead!

She already says no daddy regularly, even shut the door on him on saturday as she did not want to go out with him when she realised i wasn't going. I went too and she was happy but he sulked all the time.

I think if only i could get him to understand the link between his behaviour and her reaction to him - but he thinks its her not being fair. Getting to the point i don't think he will ever understand it.

I dread family time now as i have to try so hard to keep the peace and find games / activities that she will happily play with him - there aren't many. He thinks i stop him spending time with her - but what am i supposed to do? leave her literally screaming the house down saying no daddy over and over, i just can;t do it. He moans about this a lot saying its my fault, he just wont accept she doesn't like his shouting either. trouble is, he is careful not to let things escalate when his family are around so they don't see this side of him. they know he has a temper and think i am a calming influence on him!!! he was fine in the beginning, but as i read somewhere these types of abusive men don't advertise their behaviour so its easy to get sucked in.

he is becoming increasingly controlling, eg checking the phone bill to see who i have called, insisting on seeing the itemised shopping bill to make sure i haven't added anything on there for me, saying its because of the credit crunch!!!! but its not.

reading the posts with avid interest for advice and tips on an escape route and beginning to put them in place.

have no job but have some savings to get somewhere to live i hope.

so interested in the post about 'red flags' cos so worried i'll end up in this type of relationship again as feel like a huge mug for not spotting it sooner and hugely worried that if i stay my little dd will grow up to think its normal and end up with a partner like daddy - God forbid. want to be able to warn myself and her when she is old enough without putting her off men for life!!!!!

sorry, said i would hi-jack and here i am doing it.

sorry.

Hi Messymissy, Getting A Grip, Unlikely Amazonian and everyone else who has replied.

I am so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences here, I'm reading through them but haven't got time to reply properly at the moment. I will do so as soon as I can.

Please feel free to use this thread - don't worry about hijacking Messymissy. It is really important to raise awareness and I think we all are taking a lot of support from what everyone is saying at our various stages of dealing with NPD.

I'll be back!

HoneyBadger

Have been reading a lot about NPD as I suspect my ex has it and need to know how best to deal with him re DD.
Found this advice to be constructive.

Good luck honeybadger! and thanks...

Finally I have found a moment alone with a computer to post my thanks to all those who have shared experiences and sent good wishes. I have reading them this week and reflecting on what you have all said.

I also did not have a normal upbringing. But I only realsied this about 10 years ago. Unlikely Amazonian I am exactly the same age as you - I just had my children a bit earlier!

Although my parents are now my saviours, and I am incredibly grateful to them they were not good role models for me or my siblings. I don't think my father quite fits the criteria for NPD but he did have violent rages on a number of occasions where he would attack me as the eldest child and occasionally my siblings for minor misdemeanors. I remember my mother locking her and I in a bathroom and my father trying to bash the door down. When I asked my mum about this 10 years ago she said it didn't happen! But my siblings and some old school friends distintly remember it and I used to sleep with a lemonade bottle under the bed in case I was attacked in the night.

My mother I would say is classic co-dependent - her entire life revolves around her family, no friends, hobbies or other life to speak of. As children there were few visitors to the house, other relatives lived far away, so on reflection no wonder I fell for an NPD - I'm classic victim material. As I copy my mother's co-dependent model (until I met that therapist!) it is no wonder that I have stayed in this relationship by acting and walking on eggshells for many many years, pretending to be a perfect selfless wife and mother myself!

I think this explains why H hasn't devalue-discarded me because he gets the narcissistic supply he needs from me whatever he does....

I now have everything in place for my escape, I've signed the lease and pick up the keys to my rented cottage next week. Have talked to all the agencies I can possibly think of to ensure it is as safe as possible.

DS has asked me not to pack his things and not to let H know that DS knew of my plans in advance, in case he is blamed. He will play it by ear on moving day. I think this illustrates that he is frightened of H although he does not want to admit this. he is worried that H will blame him for the break-up as he has said he will do in the past. I tend to think that H will be the opposite and turn on the charm in order to make DS his ally.

Only time will tell.

Thanks for all the support and I'll post and let you know how it goes and ask for help I expect!!. It is great to hear from GettingaGrip and UnlikelyAmazonian that there is a life away from these people even if it brings a new set of problems. Messy Missy hope you are dealing with the frightening knowledge that your P may be an NPD and Cheerful Vicky look forward to posting with you in single parents in the near future as we will be moving around the same time.

Good luck! It sounds like you've thought things through well, and have channeled your energies into planning which is great. I hope it goes as well as can be expected, and yes, I'll definitely see you on the lone parents board. Take care

MessyMissy get out sooner rather than later. It is much easier when you only have 1 DS and she is very young.

HB I just wanted to add my admiration and support for you. Good luck and keep posting x

Dear Honeybadger

My heart lifted as I read your post. I wish you all the luck in the world.

It sounds as though your children will be fine.

I want you , and anyone else living in this nightmare, to know that this week, two years after leaving my ex-HN, I have finally felt that lightness of spirit and freedom of heart which I assume that most people feel their whole lives.

If I can feel that then so can ANYONE and EVERYONE.

I take my hat off to you Honeybadger, may you find peace in your soul.

xxxx

Thanks to everyone who has supported me on MN over the last few months.

I'm glad to say that I left my H and sadly my home, almost a week ago now and I am safely staying at my parents and hope to move into my new house next week.

I have DD with me and she seems at the moment to be settling well. In fact she has taken it much better than my DS who was initially quite angry with me and my parents but seems to be cooling off a little now.

He is staying with his father at the moment but visits me most evenings and I am hoping he will divide his time between both of our homes.

I successfully moved out with all my belongings and pets on the day I had planned. I then went to the house to tell H face to face, my father waited outside and I called H's brother to support H. Verbally he was as awful as I thought he would be, although with people around that is all he could do. He has accused me of having a string of affairs throughout our time together and he believes I am setting up home now with a new lover. He will not listen to anything else I say.

His family are completely taken in by him and his lies as I guessed they would be, which is sad.

Although I have a long and rocky road ahead of me now I feel free and less stressed than I have for a very long time. I am 100% certain I have done the right thing with no regrets.

All very different to how I felt a few months ago when I believed that domestic abuse was only about being beaten to a pulp by your partner.

Thanks again to all

Hooray!

Good for you, HB!

I'm so glad you've taken this step.

Well done.

So pleased for you