HB, my exh is NPD. Instead of using terrible rages he used terrible silences to abuse me. He disappeared for days at a time on three occasions over the 7 years we were together and eventually disappeared abroad altogether. He chose to go when I was at my most vulnerable - with a small baby and no income. He stole all our savings and left me massively in debt.
I too was driven to madness, by his silences and disappearing acts. People did not believe my stories about him...he was very charming and plausible on the outside and appeared to dote on me and our baby son. But he was leading some kind of double life towards the end, looking at prostitutes and porn and planning his escape abroad.
He was living with another woman within two months of arriving in his new country, and had lied about his career to get a job. I hope he never ever returns.
Almost more importantly than me and our baby however, he also abandoned his two daughters by an ex. They were 9 and 11 when he vanished and they must be traumatised (I no longer have any contact with them. Not my choice - their mother's). We saw them regularly, he appeared to absolutely adore them and they had a strong relationship with him - particularly his youngest who was a real daddy's girl.
I was poleaxed when he left as I really did not think him capable of any such thing. But in reading up a LOT on NPD when he had gone I realise he did the very typical NPD trick of abandoning us at the point where the marriage was about to be over.
This is just some background for you, there is much more I could say and GettingaGrip and I have come to know each other, met, and shared much about our experiences. NPD must be one of the worst personality disorders because these creatures are so unpredictable and somehow insane while appearing to others to be rational, clever, generous, responsible, decent and hard-working. They can't keep the facade up though and move on...the need for sex is often a big driving force for them.
MrsMerryHenry's advice is fantastic. The support you are getting on here is wonderful and you will need it, though your parents sound brilliantly understanding. Thank god.
Some practical advice, though you may have done these things already: do let not let your H know in advance that you are going and take care of your finances - do not allow him to raid any joint accounts or savings accounts in the next few days. Transfer money into a sole account. If you have a joint account, be careful.
Hide and take with you things like birth certificates and you and your DCs passports. Take a set of keys to the marital home. Do not engage with any conversation with him after you have gone. Put the phone down, say nothing. Lean on your parents and perhaps get them to do any liasing with him to start with.
NPDers very rarely commit suicide though sometimes they do when they are old and have lost their looks. People shun them in the end because in their search for narcissistic supply their behaviour becomes more ugly and desperate.
On the emotional side of things: know that NPDers apparent love for their children is a smokescreen. As my counsellor has pointed out, they are objects - he knows how he SHOULD feel about them and treat them but it is all pretend. Things and people are meaningless to your H appart from a way of securing admiration and adoration...ie,Narcissistic supply.
He is probably nasty to your DS because at 18 he has grown up, is no longer of any use as supply and probably from the age of about 14 simply became a nuisance and even a threat, especially as a male. Your dd is still young enough to manipulate but he will give up on her and lose interest in her too eventually.
There is every chance that your H will not turn into the raging bull you fear once you have actually left him - because he will know the game is over, lose interest (devalue and discard) and just move on to his next victim. You must stand up to him though and be strong. Once you have left the home this will be easier to do believe me.
Try not to worry at this stage about making sure your children maintain a relationship or contact with him ..the most important relationships they are going to need from now on is with you, with their own friends, with each other and by the sounds of it with their grandparents.
Take things one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. Get some medication perhaps for any anguish. I went straight onto ADs and they helped a LOT.
You might consider going to a child law specialist and obtaining a Residence Order to say that your dd lives with you. These kind of measures help you feel safer and more in control.
You do not sound insane. You are doing so very well to have made your plan and be sticking to it.
I was a total mess for several months after I was abandoned. And through it all I had a 6 months old baby to care for. Today, I am so much happier. Poor maybe, but very happy. Honestly - I thought I never could be, I thought I would not survive the chaos and trauma. But I have found inner resources and have had the wonderful support of great RL friends and on MN. I work part-time, I am on tax credits and seem to be successfully fighting the bank over the debt my xh left me with.
I no longer have to deal with the long black silences, the disappearing acts, the money spent on ridiculous fantastical things we culdn't afford. I am free of his lying and never have to go on a miserable holiday with him again.
His family have blanked us totally but that also is good as they are a twisted bunch and I did not like them.
I don't know how my son will turn out or how his father's treatment of him will affect him in the long-term. But I love him to pieces and I am proud to say he is an exceptionally happy little boy and at 16 months is sociable, giggly, babbling, eats well and appears to love life. He is better off without a father who simply did not care one iota for him despite appearances.
This is long. Too long. Stay posting and let us all know how you get on. We are survivors of these awful mentally ill men and your children will grow up knowing that you always did your best for them to protect them and love them.