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Original poster

I'd like some outside perspective (possibly IABU)

56 replies

ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 10:56

OK, brief background..

relatively new relationship (approx 4 mths) but looking fairly stable and possibly long term. All is going swimmingly except for 1 thing which could possibly be my problem

I don't trust people very well and a couple of times he hasn't been round when he said he would or not turned up til v late. and he never shows up less that 3 hours after he finishes work even though he shows up unwashed and looking 'straight from work'

Yesterday he said he was going to see someone, I'll call that person 'X'. 'X' happened to phone me later in the day and blatently didn't know anything about my boyfriends visit. Raised it with boyfriend and he said well he hadn't told 'X' yet which I thought was odd. It has since all blown up because he's hurt and offended I don't trust him.

I tried to explain I don't trust anybody very easily and it'll take time but I also think he was disproportionally angry/upset.

I think it's normal to be suspicious if someones plans seem to not be true but am fully aware it's not to imply you don't trust someone.

We've kind of agreed to 'forget it' but it's obvious that things aren't quite right between us.

Not sure how to fix it and feel like it was all my fault as everything was going really well.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
ChristIvelefttheironon · 04/03/2009 10:57

My instinct is not to trust him especially if he got cross. Sorry.

piratecat · 04/03/2009 10:59

god trust issues.

Did 'x' ring you? Or did you ring 'x'. Did you have a doubt at all when he told you he was going to meet 'x'?

Maybe you need to actually sort out what it is is HAS done wrong, rather than brood on things that you know 'could' go wring, becuase of yuor past.

this is something i am trying to work on as we speak.

I had forgotten how men only give you half the story/details, that kind of thing.
it's easier to talk to my 6 yr old!!!

WilyWombat · 04/03/2009 11:02

Well 4 months into a relationship is still a bit early to be having expectations of him but if he says he will be there and isnt then thats just rude.

A late turn up to me is just a booty call...all well and good if thats the relationship agreed by you but if its being presented as something else then not good.

Personally if you have told him of your reservations and it doesnt change then if I were in your situation I would accept he wasnt the man for me and end it before I got too involved.

Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 11:02

'X' rang me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 11:37

Sorry I had a meeting.

Yes 'X' rang me, for a chat as she was fed up. I know she would have mentioned if boyf was going round and when I challenged him he said he hadn't told he wasa going yet which I thought was odd.

I can alreayd feel myself backing off and yet he's done nothing wrong and I don't want to screw this up because I have my own issues. I think it has the potential to be something really great and I think I'm in the process of screwing it up.

I know when he's late it's not a booty call, he's not really like that and we are already passed the stage of having sex evertime we see each other.

Hi Piratecat, you know me under my usual name

OP posts:
GoodGrrrlGoneBad · 04/03/2009 11:42

my opinion is that if you have these trust issues, regardless of whether your boyfriend is/isn't upto anything, maybe you should work on those first, before looking for a relationship, especially one you see going long term after 4mths. But that's just my opinion.

Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 11:46

I've been single for a while now and feel copmpltely ready for a new relationship. it's hard getting together with someone when you've been on your own for a while and have child(ren) to think about as well.

Is 4 months too early to be thinking "yeah this could definitely have potential"? I know it's still early days and we are still learning about each other - or rather him me as he's fairly cut and dry with no baggage.

OP posts:
GoodGrrrlGoneBad · 04/03/2009 11:52

i think there's a diff between 'long term' and 'potential' though

I can't say too much- when i met DH i had very low self esteem and all manner of shitty problems, but he was patient and kind and understanding, and waited it out until my head was sorted.

if you explained your concerns calmly and without accusing him, i would be concerned about him responding with anger. If however, you were accusatory / heated, then i can see why he may feel defensive / annoyed.

Perhaps try to not invest too much in this man, until you feel you can trust him. I especially wouldn't invest too much in him if you reacted harshly and without understanding to a genuine and calm discussion.

GoodGrrrlGoneBad · 04/03/2009 11:53

sorry, if HE reacted, not you!

Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 12:02

no I just said "I thought you said you wers going to Xs tonight but she doesn't know anything about it" kind of statement (not exact words. I could've said it better.

He didn't get angry but was obv. very p'd off quiet etc and started saying things like it's very hurtful when you imply you don't trust me and things like that.

re long term/potential. I wrote them as same thing - it potentially could be something long term iyswim

OP posts:
BocciBalls · 04/03/2009 12:13

I think you have to separate out your own trust issues from how this man is treating you.

His behaviour: turns up late, has other things to do in the evening after work rather than come to you (and when does turn up doesn't seem to have made an effort "unwashed & straight from work" - fine if he was straight from work but if he's coming round late for dinner date / sex he should make the effort!). Tells you he is going to see X, X knows nothing about it. That is odd. You don't say you're going to see someone if you haven't arranged it. You might say you're hoping to, or you'd planned to but not that it is a definite arrangement. When you raised it he put it back onto you - you've hurt him by not trusting him. None of this sounds good in a new relationship - at 4 months you should be enjoying each other's company, making an effort for one another etc.

Your issues: nothing wrong with being slow to trust in someone, but hard not to cross the line into being suspicious and snooping or challenging. It doesn't sound as though you are doing any of these things, and if you have told new man that you have trust issues it is easy for him to jump on that as your trait or problem even if he is doing something not altogether satisfactory.

You need to take a very objective view of your own behaviour:

  1. are you snooping, checking up on him, questioning him and being generally demanding in an unreasonable way? OR

  2. are you just expecting that he should show you some respect but then doubting your own opinion because you have labelled yourself as someone with trust issues?

Flightattendant27 · 04/03/2009 12:30

People who don't turn up when they say they will, are either very disorganised, don't respect you, or are passive aggressive.

I've been known to cross off a potentially very good boyfriend, because he turned up half an hour late for no real reason. That was that! Trust your instincts is what I'd say.

Did he explain why he was late those times?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/03/2009 12:36

As early in a relationship as 4 months, I would go with your gut instinct. IMO there are few more controlling statements than 'it's so hurtful when you don't trust me' - with one neat phrase he has put this all back on you and got you doubting yourself.

Do you ever know what he's doing between leaving work and seeing you? Does he ever talk about it or is it just a big black hole?

Tortington · 04/03/2009 12:37

sommats a bit offski here - trust your instincts.

Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 12:40

#2 - without a doubt. I've not snooped or checked up on him or anything of the sort. Like I said, I feel completely ready to be involved with someone and didn't think any of this would be an issue for me (trust).

There's no other idicator that anything is amiss other than my own lack of trust based on not much

he does show up in his work clothes and has a shower etc here he's always been somewhere iykwim but nothing I could check up on - or would want to check up on. I had been taking him on his word until this happened yesterday then (of course?) I started questioning the other things

I don't know whether I should be concerned or not. Or whether I should tie little things up together when alone they are irrelevant

I'd already decided last night I would take a step back and I think that's why I'm here. To get different perspectives. Am I over protecting myself, am I being unfairly harsh on him, is this really nothing to worry about except in my head that I need to work through. Or should I be concerned and taking stock of the situation.

I don't know right now

I should probably also ad his type of work is short bursts so at the moment he's working 7 days a week, 12 hrs a day in a couple of weeks he might have no work for a couple of weeks iykwim so I understand why he's coming round dressed in work clothes etc that alone isn't the problem iykwim.

I'm perma-tired doing 5days a week, so can only imgine how tired he must be feeling after 8 weeks of 7days

OP posts:
Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 12:40

sorry crossed posts with a few people was replying to BocciBalls

will read new posts now

OP posts:
Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 12:42

ah, I think I've answered all points in my last post

I'm not know for good instincts & & sort of

OP posts:
Divineintervention · 04/03/2009 12:43

At four months in I would take everything at face value. Things that don't add up and make you feel uneasy mean that something is amiss, the lack of filling in the gaps by your bf would mean that he hasn't noticed that you may be wondering or he hopes you don't ask.... it's all a little strange. I would lightly enquire where he's been. Just a happy 'What time did you finish?'
You'll know by his response what he's all about I think.

Flightattendant27 · 04/03/2009 12:44

No I'm really sorry. Your gut instinct is screaming at you...that doesn't happen without a good reason, even if you have been betrayed in the past.

I agree with Alibaba, re the turning it round onto you. Classic I'm afraid

Tbh he sounds like a tosser, and I would be ignoring his calls and getting quite angry myself.

4 months is a good time to step back, and in this case get out. I kept telling myself I was imagining it with ex - it started a month in, I stayed for 7 months or so before really acknowledging he was a git. 7 months I'll never have back!

FannyWaglour · 04/03/2009 12:46

How can he be so cut and dry if you have no clue where he is going, what he is doing, and whom he is seeing, between work and coming around to yours?

So, he is still learning about you, but what are you learning about him?

Aside from being a horrible time keeper, secretive about what he does/who he is with, spending a large amount of his spare time not with you, and that he takes little pride in what he looks like when he comes to yours, and is passive agressive and make you doubt yourself when you dare ask about his whereabouts....

Trust your instinct. He doesnt sound like a catch.

Gorionine · 04/03/2009 12:46

Op, can you re run me through sequencwe of events? did he in the morning say " I will be late because I will go and see X before comming back " or he was late and when asked said " I was at X's place!" ? if it is the second option I would be very weary as it is a blatant lie if it is first option I might give benefit of doubt, maybe it was his intention to go but did not make it.

I always feel a bit uneasy about people who react badly when caught lying!

Original poster
ChugglyPig · 04/03/2009 12:47

thank you.

it's nice to know I'm not insane when I feel quite sane and normal

I always know what time he finishes but he's always been to his parents/to his office/to the pub/had to drop somebody home.. do yswim it's nothing out of the ordinary or that you would question.

OP posts:
Flightattendant27 · 04/03/2009 12:47

His reaction does say it all I think.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/03/2009 12:50

I agree with Flight - your instincts are working well.

Have you ever discussed your trust issues with him before yesterday?

dollius · 04/03/2009 12:50

I just think that if a bloke is really interested in pursuing a relationship with you, then they tend to turn up on time (bar the odd traffic jam/work emergency of course), give some reason for why it takes three hours to turn up to see you after they've finished work, and don't get angry because you mention that X has no idea he is meant to be visiting them.

Perhaps I am wrong and some people are just this disorganised and it's all innocent, but it doesn't sound like he's trying particularly hard to give you a good impression of himself, which is a bit disheartening.

It sounds a bit suspect to me and I would be backing off at this stage. And I don't consider myself to have "trust issues".