I'd like some outside perspective (possibly IABU)

[ChugglyPig]

OK, brief background..

relatively new relationship (approx 4 mths) but looking fairly stable and possibly long term. All is going swimmingly except for 1 thing which could possibly be my problem

I don't trust people very well and a couple of times he hasn't been round when he said he would or not turned up til v late. and he never shows up less that 3 hours after he finishes work even though he shows up unwashed and looking 'straight from work'

Yesterday he said he was going to see someone, I'll call that person 'X'. 'X' happened to phone me later in the day and blatently didn't know anything about my boyfriends visit. Raised it with boyfriend and he said well he hadn't told 'X' yet which I thought was odd. It has since all blown up because he's hurt and offended I don't trust him.

I tried to explain I don't trust anybody very easily and it'll take time but I also think he was disproportionally angry/upset.

I think it's normal to be suspicious if someones plans seem to not be true but am fully aware it's not to imply you don't trust someone.

We've kind of agreed to 'forget it' but it's obvious that things aren't quite right between us.

Not sure how to fix it and feel like it was all my fault as everything was going really well.

Thoughts please.

no Gorionie - he text me to say he was going to be late because he was going to 'X's house. Fine not a problem. this was mid-morning.

mid-afternoon X called me, blatantly knew nothing about it or would have mentioned it.

late afternoon boyf called me, had a chat I dropped in the "thought you said you were going to Xs tonight but she doesn't know anything about it" sort of line.. he then said that he hadn't told her he was going yet

Why would you say you were going somewhere without checking the person would be there and it was ok? he then said he'd mentioned it to P who X lives with "just now" so that was late afternoon

Gosh moving quickly, I'm x-posting sorry.

I'm reassured that I'm not alone in thinking it slightly odd.

but
a) he is very disorganised.
b) I think he's very comfortable with what is developing.

we talk loads (or I thought) and seem very much on same wave length etc. like I said everythign else seems pretty much prefect. just those 'little things'. which is why I was thinking it might just be me.

It does sound a bit dodgy, and I do not have trust issues either.

It sounds, most of all, as though he is Just Not That Into You. He's late coming to see you, turns up looking like a perambulating shitheap, presumably expects his dinner cooked and his cock sucked - is he really worth going to any effort to keep?
OK, at the 4-months-in stage of a relationship it is unreasonable to expect monogamy if you haven't discussed it with the other person (always assume that someone you are dating is free to date other people until you have had that conversation) - but there are people who get a bit of a kick out of going behind other people's backs.
I would say cut your losses, it really doesn;t sound worth pursuing.

i expect he is comfortable with things, if you haven't questioned his dodgy behaviour until now - he gets complete freedom, without having to give anything back.

How dare he get cross with you?
I bet you anything he is aware already that you have trust issues?

I'd be more put off by the fact he was using my shower, actually!

Did you know him at all before you started a relationship with him? I mean, was he among your circle of friends? Or have you only known him as this relationship?

Just wondered if you had noticed his tardiness before at all, when you weren't a couple.

I would be a bit pissed off in your shoes TBH.

I play him at his own game for a while... if he doesn't turn up at your place on time, give him 10 mins and piss off out. If he asks why you weren't in, say 'I waited 10 mins, but thought you must not be coming, so I went.... (add library, cinema, pub, whatever).

I don't think I'd play any games back at him - he's already shown his true colours by totally overreacting to your questions.

I don'tthink there's much point carrying on iff this is how he behaves when pulled up. It's a shame if it's been going well but I suspect it's only been going well because you've not pulled him up...etc etc

Yes we had the 'exclusive' conversation about a month in

i will be having a long hard think

he tells me all the time that he feels really lucky that we've met, that he really likes me, he's really happy etc. I was getting the general impression that he felt that he was 'punching above his weight'

I will be taking stock. thank you for the reassurance in my own ability to 'read the signs' so to speak. Even if they aren't good.

TheMoon,

we knew each other a long time ago and were friendly

I'm not inclined to play games back, I can't be bothered with tit-for-tat

I think some of the posts are a bit strong about whether this is worth pursuing or not - only you can know that.

It seems odd that there is always something else that he has to do after work for 3 hours before coming to see you. That does make it sound like he's seeing his mates down the pub and then turning up at yours for dinner and/ or sex. But perhaps that's not the case at all? If he gets to you at 8pm, you cook dinner together and have a nice evening chatting and chilling out together and then go to bed, that sounds fine really. If he arrives at 10pm having been down the pub for 3 hours and expects dinner and/ or sex as a given and none of the social interaction then that would not be so ok. Or if you NEVER do anything for a full evening because he's always got somewhere else to be, that doesn't sound too ideal. You don't want to suddenly have to know his every move and demand that he has to be with you every evening from the moment he leaves work - because then he would be justified in bringing up your trust issues. It's a question of balance - on BOTH sides.

Also, it's very easy for someone to claim disorganisation as a ready excuse for not turning up on time, making an effort, being slightly odd about whose house you're going to and when ... but not necessarily fair on that person's partner. However if you're genuinely ok with a genuninely disorganised person, fine and no need to leap into ending the relationship.

yes it's always about 8ish he shows and we always eat, chat, watch a film etc

when it was 8 and he was washed and clean that's not a problem. 8 is a good time for me as it allows me to get housejobs done chid to bed etc

8 now though is in work gear, unwashed

It's too early for that yet isn't it! that's how it works when you're living together not when it's 4mths in - no? I still make sure I'm made up and dressed nice even if we're staying in

ok so positive side is you have good chunk of evening together, not just booty call. negative is his appearance. agree that isn't good at 4 months in, should still be making the effort (should be even if you live together!).

You say you talk lots and are on same wavelength, so pick him up on it! if he's happy with how things are going he should want to keep you - rather than take you for granted. you can do it lightly. if it suits you for him to come at 8, fine. if you'd like him to come round earlier occasionally and he won't, not fine.

Going to see X is a bit odd still - keep an open mind on that and his reaction to you - way he reacted wasn't great but wouldn't say it's a reason to end things now, just to keep in mind.

well, a normal person would check with x, then tell you, not make out that it was already arranged. then when you asked him about it he was upset. that sends me warning bells.

3 hours EVERY evening is a lot. surely he doesn't have to do something after work every night??

i say trust your instincts. something's not right here.

I know you said that sometimes he says he has been in the pub, but the thing that I thought of was a drinking problem - he's getting a few under his belt straight after work before coming to you.

But wouldn't you smell that on him?

deffo not drink or drugs. I'm as sure as I can be on that.

If he goes out for a beer with his mates he will ask if I mind and he'll send me drunken texts and things.

maybe he's just a bit useless and that's why he's always single

I don't know. I think I'll just assess the situation for a few days and play it by ear as to how it goes. it is still early days and I'm not opposed to cutting my losses if it's really not right.

we talked a little last night and have exchanged a couple of texts today. he is playing football tonight, he wanted to cancel so he could come round and we could talk properly but I wouldn't let him.

Hmm. INteresting comment about him 'punching above his weight' in seeing you. Sometimes a bloke who feels like this also feels a bit wierdly resentful towards the woman he percieves as 'better' than him, and kind of acts that out by being less than respectful to her ie turning up unwashed and scruffy and expecting her not to mind.

that's interesting you say that. We had a conversation a while back where he stated..

"he feels that I've brought more to the table that he has"

Either he really does believe that (which may well lead to some odd acting-out behaviour, because it will conflict with the idea nearly all men have of being the important one in a couple-relationship: basic male privilege) or he doesn;t but wants you to run around feeding his ego and treating him like the more important one in the relationship.
Unfortunately, relationships where there is, or one or both partners feel that there is, a big status difference ie one is much richer or smarter or better looking or older, can get very unhealthy.

I think he does feel like that to some degree. I think he has quite traditional values and feels he should be the breadwinner and so by not earning more than me (at the moment) he is letting me down in some way. He said it's because he's finally found someone he wants to spoil and treat nicely and he can't afford to at the moment. I have reassured him that it's the way he treats me that is important not the things he can give me etc

the more I write the more I think that the niggle is maybe because his actions don't match his words.

ChugglyPig, I know you've had a lot of negative responses, but this guy sounds a lot like my DP. He doesn't tell people before he goes to visit them, before we lived together he wouldn't be round for a good few hours until he'd finished work, I think they just like some 'me' scratch their balls time.
I honestly don't think there's too much wrong here, I can see why he would be upset if he thought you were accusing him of something if he is genuinely innocent, he's maybe had a past girlfriend who was mistrustful and gave him a lot of grief.
If I suprised DP by going round to his straight after his work, he would usually be playing a computer game!

A couple of times, my Ex-H did things like this.

Once when we were first going out he was taking his driving test. Obviously I wanted to know how he had got on so I asked him to phone me as soon as he got back home to let me know how it had gone. And of course it would have been very important to him to let me know, he was very excited about it. But he didn't call and he didn't call. I hung around thinking the test had been delayed, or that he had failed and was upset. Then he finally turned up - in person. Oh yes, he had passed. Why hadn't he rung???? Oh, er, sorry...

He acted like I hadn't mentioned it, although I had, loads of times, and he had promised. (This was in the days before mobiles btw) I wasn't being clingy or controlling, I really wanted to know how he'd got on in a taking-an-interest way. At the time we were crazy about one another and normally never out of touch. I had wasted the best part of the day staying in, waiting to hear whether something had gone well for him and he acted as if I was a bit OTT for being annoyed that he hadn't kept his promise.

I was pretty narked and at one point I said "You know what, I think you liked the idea of me sitting around waiting for you." He pooh-poohed this idea, and didn't do it often again, normally being very reliable, but he did now and then, and 20+ years on I think my young self was spot-on.

Maybe your chap likes the idea of you sitting there looking at your watch. He is not there but you are thinking about him. Present though absent.

Thanks to everyone who responded. Lots of mixed responses and food for thought.

I'll be back to my normal posting name tomorrow - although I quite like this one. I'm going to have a sit back and think and see how it goes between now and the end of the weekend

CHugglypig: ALWAYS judge a man on his actions, not his words. Actually, the same applies to women. ANyone can say what they think you want to hear and then carry on being unfair and unkind to you and tell you it's somehow your fault.

chugglypig you sound lovely, kind and considerate.

He has really found himself a catch.

You say:
"yes it's always about 8ish he shows and we always eat, chat, watch a film etc"

Plenty of time for "me" time for him, and he has a good woman who cooks for him, so he comes "home" dinner on the table and chill out time. When he wants to.

Does he live with his parents, or does he have his own flat?

You say he talks about how much he would like to treat you but cant afford to, as you make more money than him.

I always made more money than my dh. Even when we were still dating. (pre kids) It did not stop him spend what little he had on treating me to nice little something. "Just because he felt like it". Once he bought me something really expensive that he really could not afford, and it turned out he was skipping lunch for a month after...

I would be very concerened if a man was talking a lot about what he would get you if only ........ He should not even mention it if he cant afford to. He is throwing in the pity card. Are you spending money on him?

thanks Fanny.

The money thing is a bit difficult as he works for himself and current climate in what he does is not good so before Christmas he'd not worked for 3 months and had eaten into his spare cash paying his mortgage etc

he owns a house which is (imvho) crippling him at the moment but he can't sell it in the current climate as he won't get enough for it. He's currently renting it out.

I'm not spending money on him, no, and he pays if we go out. He's quite traditional witht things liek that. We squabble if I want to buy the drinks. I think he means things like he should be buying me flowers and taking me away for weekends and stuff like that.