Fallout from an affair, how many chances does he get? what do I do next?

[McCharlieMouse]

Ok, I've never posted before so this is a bit scary but have read lots of threads on affairs and have found other peoples experiences hugely useful in dealing with my situation but I've got to a point where I need some suggestions directly on my situation...so some help please. I will try not to ramble too much...

My DH had a 5mth affair last year whilst I was pregnant and while our DS was a little baby. DH moved out and we don't currently live together. After I found out about the affair we jointly decided that we would try and give our marriage a go. We have been going to relate (which I found very helpful) and I thought things were progressing well. I have found out this week that DH has still been having contact with the OW (who he works with - not directly but he does see her 1/2 week in the office) and has been out for drinks with her. He says he doesn't know what he wants but thinks he might still be in love with her. He does still have feelings for me but says these are different feelings to those he has for her (not that surprising - Me: knackered mother of 8 mth old, Her: skinny single woman with no children).

Last night I told him I'd had enough and couldn't deal with this any more, I have acted with dignity throughout and tried to make our relationship work. I actually felt some relief and for the first time since I found out about the affair I felt I had control of the situation. He has since sent me some texts and he is obviosuly panicing. He says he doesn't think his future is with the OW and that if there is a glimmer of hope in our relationship we should give it a go.....so what do I do?? Has he finally come to his senses?

To complicate things we have a holiday booked next week (I thought things were going well so we booked to go away!). I said last night I was cancelling it - he texted and suggested some proper time together with no distractions might be what we need. So do we go....??

Am I a complete nutter for even considering giving him another chance?

He is coming round at lunchtime so I am trying to prepare myself and workout what to do...any help appreciated.

Yes, DH does know I'm going...his response was "fair enough"...so about as much enthusiasm as your DH WDYAT!

Like you WDYAT I couldn't imagine not waking up with DS there - I can't believe how much DH will miss out on, but as I said before thats his loss.

He is a complete shit and has treated me appalingly, but that doesn't stop me missing the stupid b*stard...I'm slightly ashamed to admit that because surely after everything thats happened I would never want to see him again. I guess cos I have the solicitor this morning the reality of the situation is hitting me!

Wow they are so similar!!

I know I think of all the birthdays and xmas things he is going to miss out on and as our dc3 is only a baby all the 1st things that he will miss. Like you say though that is his loss.

I know exactly what you mean feel the same way. Have moments where it doesnt bother me but do also miss him when I know I should just hate him for what he has done and put me (and I guess the dc) through.

Good luck with the solicitor, let us know how it goes.

Missing them is only natural as the have been part of your life for so long but I agree, it is really depressing as you feel disappointed at yourself for feeling like that... I still look at H and am disappointed at myslef for loving him enough to take him back rather than sending him away for 6 months to punish him, so it goes on either way - what we should really be sad about is that they were weak and useless enough for it to have to come to this!

Are yours aware of how much it is hurting the children? The eventual realisation of this is something that also made my H wake up from his self-absorption and think about what an arse he had been...

I dont think mine is to be honest. My middle dc asked me the other day when daddy is coming home because he misses him and wants him to live in our house now. I passed this information over to my H who I think, thinks I tell him to make his guilt worse iykwim. It gets a lot of huffing and puffing from him and for gods sake style comments. I dont see why he should escape the hurt he is causing them.

My H has been away for 3 months already and I dont think he sees this as a 'punishment' as such as he can actually do what he wants when he wants...except for when his mum wants him home for his dinner

They dont know the damange they do the children at all. My dd is still suffering now almost 3 years later - she was older when it happened and can still clearly remember the hurt - she also will never trust again in the same way, i fear.

However my h has had to witness the fallout of that and i do believe he is so very very sorry.

Do you think men just never even think of what will happen if they fuck about??

I think that is why i do still blame the ow - she was a mother and i just cannot believe that she did not know how it would all end. She was a selfish cow who gave me no thought whatsoever as long as she got my h. But as she didnt in the end - even doing all the 'tricks' that you can when you are not so knacked from looking after house and kids. So she couldnt have been all that great after all.

Thoughts are really with you OP - my OH had an affair a few years ago. Before something like this happens, you think that you'd just get the locks changed immediately and give him the elbow. But when you're faced with the reality of dismantling your entire life together it's a different story.

We managed to move on, thanks to relate, who were wonderful. But it takes a lot of work, and as a baseline it has to be properly over between your partner and the OW before you can ever begin the repair work. No going for drinks with the OW to talk things over, no business trips, no phone calls or texts. It's difficult in a work situation, but if he gives a toss about saving your marriage he needs to cut this woman out of his life in as many ways as possible and begin rebuilding your trust in him from zero.

I have to admit, it doesn't sound like your DP is doing any of that.

Not sure if anyone is still watching this thread - but a quick update from me....

It seems that I whilst I thought my h was spending some time this week to work out what he wants, actually what he has been doing is having a golfing holiday in Dubai with the OW!!

After I found out about the affair last year I really didn't think he could stoop any lower, how wrong I was.

My only option now is to get rid of the lying, cheating b*stard as quickly as possible. I hope other peoples experiences end up with a much happier outcome than mine.

Sorry to read this, Charlie, but yeah, think you're being wise to call time on this relationship.

Oh god Charlie, I am so sorry... Well, at least now it is sorted and you know which direction to take rather than sitting in limbo. Believe me, rebuilding things is not easy and you have missed out on nothing - it is very stressful indeed. Look at it this way, you now have a whole world out there to explore that is full of decent men, and when your DS is old enough to understand you will be able to hold your head up and know you did your honourable best by everyone.

As a PS, get your financial future sorted and see the solicitor before he blows any more of yours and DS's money on that old shrew... also, given the failure rate for affair-based relationships, I would be prepared to sit and watch it all explode on him within a few months once the shine wears off (especially when he is paying maintenance to you, big holidays are out and he isn't quite such a great catch for her anymore...)

McCharlie, been waiting for your update, sorry its not worked out for you. Just for the record my H also played golf and this is where he met his OW!!

Mine is also going to follow suit im afraid. He has been round tonight and another slanging match with him calling me all the names under the sun(yes my dc were around) and how ive ruled the marriage and not him how he dont trust me and god knows what other bullshit he could think of.

Finished with him saying 'see your solicitor and do what you want' wow, makes that a whole lot easier now!!

Do as abedelia says and get your finances in order as quickly as possible. Really am so sorry for you, none of this is easy is it.

So Sorry McCharlie - it must have really hurt to find that out

I dont know about you but I wondered how I could have known someone so long but not know them!

Like Abedelia says - you now know where he stands in this sorry affair, and so you must just concentrate on you and the dc. What he does now is up to him.

DO NOT do anything for him - No washing or cooking for him or we will all come and sort you out

Aw McCharlie - sorry to hear your update. On a positive note it does let you know where you stand and the next time he comes round sniveling you can tell him where to get off.

Thanks guys - your comments are all really supportive. Feeling somewhat fragile at the mo' but am getting on with all the practical things - including more contact with my solicitor and sorting out my finances!

I was telling someone at playgroup today about my situtaion (I felt they deserved some explanation after I had cried all over them!!) and it felt so strange describing what he had done, it felt like I was describing a complete stranger.... definitely not the man I married.

Agree with HG - at least I now know for sure there is no way back!

It does look different when you tell people - you sort of get a different perspective and also it makes it all more real.

I understand what you mean about it feeling like you are describing another person, not your h!

Funnily enough, that is how I deal with it in my head now. There is the person that I loved and who loved me - he has gone now. He has been replaced by the shit who has hurt me and lied to me.

BTW I was thinking about your cheating h in Dubai and wondered if you have joint credit cards - could you report it/them lost and get them cancelled so he cant spend anymore? (would embarrass him too!)

Hi McCharlieMouse, i just want to say that i think you are a brilliant, strong, courageous woman and i admire you. I am going through something similar right now and i know all too well how much pain and grief this causes. I want to give you advice, but i am so stuck in my own stuff right now that i am probably not the right person for the job. I really don't trust my own judgment at the moment, i know you know what i mean. I will be posting my own thread about my situation today and i invite you to read it and comment if you like but if not, just know you are not alone, i feel your pain. Keep your chin up and i hope i can be of more help to you some time soon when i get my own head a little bit clearer. Take care.