Fallout from an affair, how many chances does he get? what do I do next?

[McCharlieMouse]

Ok, I've never posted before so this is a bit scary but have read lots of threads on affairs and have found other peoples experiences hugely useful in dealing with my situation but I've got to a point where I need some suggestions directly on my situation...so some help please. I will try not to ramble too much...

My DH had a 5mth affair last year whilst I was pregnant and while our DS was a little baby. DH moved out and we don't currently live together. After I found out about the affair we jointly decided that we would try and give our marriage a go. We have been going to relate (which I found very helpful) and I thought things were progressing well. I have found out this week that DH has still been having contact with the OW (who he works with - not directly but he does see her 1/2 week in the office) and has been out for drinks with her. He says he doesn't know what he wants but thinks he might still be in love with her. He does still have feelings for me but says these are different feelings to those he has for her (not that surprising - Me: knackered mother of 8 mth old, Her: skinny single woman with no children).

Last night I told him I'd had enough and couldn't deal with this any more, I have acted with dignity throughout and tried to make our relationship work. I actually felt some relief and for the first time since I found out about the affair I felt I had control of the situation. He has since sent me some texts and he is obviosuly panicing. He says he doesn't think his future is with the OW and that if there is a glimmer of hope in our relationship we should give it a go.....so what do I do?? Has he finally come to his senses?

To complicate things we have a holiday booked next week (I thought things were going well so we booked to go away!). I said last night I was cancelling it - he texted and suggested some proper time together with no distractions might be what we need. So do we go....??

Am I a complete nutter for even considering giving him another chance?

He is coming round at lunchtime so I am trying to prepare myself and workout what to do...any help appreciated.

Whatdoyouallthink - I think our posts crossed. See previous post for lunchtime update.

It's a head vs heart thing for me at the moment. Head saying - enough of the dithering he's had time, if he doesn't know by now what he wants he never will. Heart saying - if there is a chance then we need to go for it on the basis we have had 10 great years togther and share a wonderful 8 month old DS. I know it is now my choice but it is still bloomin' tricky!

Iris - I have been in your shoes before, twice in two different long term relationships, one was 4 years, the other was 8 years. I respect people who can make it work after an affair. I just know that from my own personal experience, it never worked for me and I wouldn't try again with someone who did that. I couldn't donate the time and emotions again. Both times it ruined my esteem and turned me into a person I did not like. I wouldn't go back there for anyone.

I don't mean that everyone else should think like me, that's just my own wee story I don't have that level of forgiveness in me. If DH cheated on me, his arse would be out the door and he knows it and I'd expect the same if I did that to him.

If you have made it work then I think that is brilliant and I wish you the best. I know that a lot of people can come out with a stronger relationship after an episode of cheating is discovered. Hats off to you, stories like yours give cheated on people the chance to see that it can (with a lot of effort, hard work and love) work out afterwards.

Sorry x posted there!

The time out for him sounds like a very good idea as you will both have time to think. You still sound very strong and im sure you will come to right conclusion for you and your DS.

HolyG - I am not surprised you would not take it again! Going through this all once is quite enough for several lifetimes. PS, what is it about the 10 year thing? We were at 10 years and several other people seem to have hit problems at this point. Does a bomb go off in their brain at this point or something?

Just to add, we are another couple at 10yrs too!! Very strange, although I dont think the bomb is in their brain

Ours was 14yrs! 2 x 7yr itch!!

This is another interesting thread.

It is amazing how many times we see that the h goes off and does what he wants and the dw holds everything together, looks after kids etc and waits for the prat to make his mind up on what HE wants!

We need to get tougher

I too would never do it again - but until you have been there i dont think you really know what you would do.

However i know i would not fight for him again - if there ever was another time she would be more than welcome to him and i would take him to the cleaners and live the rest of my life to the full.

But then he knows that too now and knows how lucky he is to still have anyway. If he did do it again it would have to be for a better woman so there would be no point in fighting anyway.

Even the slightest hint of it and I would be out of the door like a greased weasel, stopping only to clear out the bank account and pick up the passports!

However, in some ways I do appreciate that he did take a few weeks to think before coming back - a friend of the family's H came home, stayed about 3 months then ran off with the ow AGAIN. I think this was on his mind at the time as he did tell his OW in emails that any decision made was final and whatever she did, she couldn't count on him anyway (nice to see his behaviour was universal rolls eyes)

I am sure you will all feel the same but I have been most stunned by my h's total selfishness - It is all about him, how he feels, how it affects him.

Quite a few months into our problems I got my h to see things from my point of view and he was shocked to see how selfish he was being!

He has managed to forget all of that again now - Must make him feel better.

Stirling - how in hell's bells did you manage that? Immediate tips, please...

So much or our talk, I have had the 'glad you're feeling better' comment and tho this came with plans to recreate our first date for our anniversary, I can't help notice that things have been sidestepped yet again.

Not sure really abedelia, just caught him in a very low mood and told him how it was affecting me and asked him to turn things around and see how he would feel.

Trouble is, it launched him into another round of self-pity and guilt - didn't really help.

I leave him to get on with it now. I get on with my life and we talk when we have to. I feel totally in control now but I have had to cut myself off emotionally from him.

I think now that if he does really want to make a go of it it is probably too late for me

That's really sad, I know my H is trying hard (albeit solely on his terms, in a way) and I don't want to get to the point where the resentment about the lingering issues kills everything for us. There are just a few things - such as what was going through his head when he decided to first tell her he liked her as more than a friend - that I really need to hear, it won't change things but it will be a real demonstration of honesty. I also know he told her he'd liked her since he met her so currently feel all thet time together for us was a lie as he was obsessing about someone else

I think (and OK have never been in this situation and never will be as don't do couplehood or monogamy) that the best way to survive is to work on building a life for yourself whether the man comes back or doesn't. Because hanging on waiting for him to make his mind up is so very bad for your self-esteem, it makes you feel so powerless and dependent. If you work towards surviving fine without him, then if he does bolt, you're already most of the way there and haven't wasted your time; if he wants to come back, he can earn it.

I feel I have done that now solidgold. I feel like I emotionally separated from him a while ago.

I now look and feel great. I have just started work after not working for 8 years and I am loving it. I am now seeing the future as something exciting and not something to be scared of!

Tiny bit of sadness there but that is because he has thrown away what could have been a good future for us and the dc.

abedelia you are right - the resentment does kill any love. It is sad because you can see the love ebbing away and there isn't much you can do about it. You must both put 100% for the relationship to work.

only read your OP.

the focus is still on him.

he is panicking.

he thinks you should go on the holiday.

he thinks he might still love her.

not a word about YOU and what YOU might want or need.

he went back out with her whilst he was in counselling to save his marriage.

actions speak louder than words, as they say.

Good for you Stirling. I signed up to learn something I've been meaning to for ages, and earned loads of wistful muttering when I took the dcs on holiday recently ('wouldn't have done that before' he said). Really, you have to look after yourself and be as selfish as they are or have been - though I am slightly afraid of this as I know once started I won't stop...

If you start being selfish and don't stop, then that is a great thing, a really great thing. Making a success of yourself is the best medicine surely, for you and for him? it gets you confidence and it gives him a shake to realise you're not going to spend your life wallowing over him.

When I say success I mean anything from going on holiday, doing a bit of learning, going on nights out....basically anything that people would have thought that you would never have done without DH at your side.

it is hard being selfish - especially when you are used to looking after children.

we often put everyone elses needs before ours. But just starting small will help - have a lovely bath just for you - sod the wahsing or ironing .... or whatever and just relax a little everyday.

But i do still find this hard.

Dont expect your h to open up about what went on in his head - he probably doesnt even know and it certainly wasnt logic. But his way of dealing with it will be to not try and work out what was going on but just to try and forget it - and so he cant understand your need to go over it again and again to try and make sense of it.

Have you ever done anyting out of character and then wondered why you did it? It is a bit like that - they dont go out to hurt and destroy the family - it just happens and they really have not thought about it.
That is another reason the ow gets such a hard time as being a woman we expect them to have throught about what they are doing.

Also try and see it as an addiction - would you try and ask an addict logically why they took the drugs? At that time they are not acting in a logical way.

Hopefully there will come a time when your h can open up and you will then be able to see the pain when he realises what a fool he has been and he backs it up with his actions to ensure it never happens again.

At the time my h honestly thought he could keep the 2 lives seperate. It was only when the ow decided she wanted out of her marriage and let her h find out that things got out of hand - he didnt want to give up his marriage for her but he found it difficult to cut contact with her and as she was more available it became harder and harder and so eventually i found out. He really thought it would just fizzle out on its own and as long as i didnt know it would be ok. When he had to make the choice he did feel bad for both of us as he had made some foolish promises to ow (which he knows he only said to keep it going - such as he would always be there for her....).
Luckily in my case the ow was quick to see it for what it was and never really caused us too many more problems. But then h also quickly cut all contact anyway.

Stirling, my DH has been just as selfish its all about how its not easy for him how upset he is etc etc. When I say imagine how I feel he just says oh i know i know and that makes me feel crappy too. Feel like shouting at him NO YOU DONT KNOW. Great that you have gone back to work and feel good. Understand the sadness too about what has been thrown away. I can see though that my DH has been selfish for the past however many years anything I wanted to do hasnt been supported and ive not been able to do it. Like when I wanted to go back to work and he said he couldnt help with the DC because of his work etc.

abedelia, Sorry you DH sidestepped the issues with you maybe you could try to talk again? I dont think we will ever understand what was going through their heads at the time, I know I wont. All my DH says is 'it never sat easy with me' as if that makes it ok! Another reason I want the details is as you say, a demonstration of some honesty FINALLY. I feel that all the time I was pregnant with my DC and he was telling me how happy he was and how much he loved me is just a joke. I wonder if he told her he was saying them things to me....I doubt it very much.

I am very much trying to get things back on my terms as he would only talk when HE wanted to so trying to get him to only talk when I want him too now. Which is hard as I want to hear what his got to say but feel that putting him off as he has me is giving him a taster of what its like. General day to day life without him though hasnt changed much for me so shows exactly what he didnt do when he was here.

So his coming today for the honesty chat...lets see how things go.

Good Luck whatdoyou.., I hope you can get something out of him that might help.

But remember (a bit of advice given on here and very true) it isn't what they say but what they do - Actions speak louder then words!!

He could be saying he wants it all to work but if he is still in contact with ow or isn't going out of his way to make things better then you know what the outcome is

I think one of the things i learnt from this too is that it is not HIM that makes you happy. Happiness comes from you and when you start to do things for you to make you happy you start to see that. You do not need this man to make you happy - but you could be happy to have him in your life.

That is how i now see it - i am with my h not through some magical loyalty i have to my marriage vows but because i actually like him and we have fun together.

We tried for a long time to patch things up and were lucky in that we did get to spend a lot of quality time together. We had some fabulous short breaks (just the two of us) and it was on one of these that i suddenly thought - i want to grow old with this person. And so while the good times continue to be added to i feel i can stay. It was a very weird moment - i had times of resentment and hatred for the things he had put me through but i really liked being with him and sharing those times.

We do still have our problems but we have both learned that we can overcome them and so they dont last too long.

Try to put the old marriage and relationship behind you and think of some new rules to live your new relationship.

For me too that was getting a job again (i too allowed my h to convince me that he could not do any of the childcare because of work commitments)That has changed now and he really does help much more.

Sorry to be blunt, but he has already made his choice. He had an affair, and he has moved out. I agree with expat, stop focusing in him, focus on yourself!

What do YOU want? Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Honestly, your dc is very young. It is better to make a break now, than when the child is 2, or 3 years old. I think you should make a point of seing a solicitors, get contact sorted out and start divorce proceedings. You need to find out where you ae financally, and sort out things such as maintenanc.

TAKE CONTROL. You will soon see from his actions what he really wants.

If he is dithering, it is not because he loves YOU so much, but because he is unwilling to let her go and focus on you.

Sorry to be blunt, but he has already made his choice. He had an affair, and he has moved out. I agree with expat, stop focusing in him, focus on yourself!

What do YOU want? Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Honestly, your dc is very young. It is better to make a break now, than when the child is 2, or 3 years old. I think you should make a point of seing a solicitors, get contact sorted out and start divorce proceedings. You need to find out where you ae financally, and sort out things such as maintenanc.

TAKE CONTROL. You will soon see from his actions what he really wants.

If he is dithering, it is not because he loves YOU so much, but because he is unwilling to let her go and focus on you.

sorry I double posted

HW that is so right

I feel happier now just doing things for me. Keeping fit, working, going out with friends. It was harder when the dc were smaller but the youngest is 4 now and I feel released to do other things now.