Fallout from an affair, how many chances does he get? what do I do next?

[McCharlieMouse]

Ok, I've never posted before so this is a bit scary but have read lots of threads on affairs and have found other peoples experiences hugely useful in dealing with my situation but I've got to a point where I need some suggestions directly on my situation...so some help please. I will try not to ramble too much...

My DH had a 5mth affair last year whilst I was pregnant and while our DS was a little baby. DH moved out and we don't currently live together. After I found out about the affair we jointly decided that we would try and give our marriage a go. We have been going to relate (which I found very helpful) and I thought things were progressing well. I have found out this week that DH has still been having contact with the OW (who he works with - not directly but he does see her 1/2 week in the office) and has been out for drinks with her. He says he doesn't know what he wants but thinks he might still be in love with her. He does still have feelings for me but says these are different feelings to those he has for her (not that surprising - Me: knackered mother of 8 mth old, Her: skinny single woman with no children).

Last night I told him I'd had enough and couldn't deal with this any more, I have acted with dignity throughout and tried to make our relationship work. I actually felt some relief and for the first time since I found out about the affair I felt I had control of the situation. He has since sent me some texts and he is obviosuly panicing. He says he doesn't think his future is with the OW and that if there is a glimmer of hope in our relationship we should give it a go.....so what do I do?? Has he finally come to his senses?

To complicate things we have a holiday booked next week (I thought things were going well so we booked to go away!). I said last night I was cancelling it - he texted and suggested some proper time together with no distractions might be what we need. So do we go....??

Am I a complete nutter for even considering giving him another chance?

He is coming round at lunchtime so I am trying to prepare myself and workout what to do...any help appreciated.

I am definitely now trying to take control of my situtation - and do feel so much better for it. I do know that I can do it on my own so things aren't as scary as they were when I first found out about the affair.

Fanny - being blunt is what I need! I went to see a solicitor when things first happened last year and I am now thinking about going back (trying to get appt tmoro) to see where I stand and implementing some of the suggestions in terms of specific time for access to DS and getting our financial affairs sorted. I need to move on with things even if he is incapable.

The comment about actions speaking louder than words is so right - at the moment he is definitely saying one thing but not following that up with any action what so ever (apart from his dithering).

Some of the expereinces posted here are quite amazing in terms of the way people have dealt with things and moved on, either together or apart. One of the things I am quite in awe of is how people deal with these situtaions when their children are old enough to understand what is going on. I am so glad that our DS is oblivious to all of the stresses of his parents and is happily playing with wooden bricks on the floor and trying to learn how to crawl forwards (he only goes backwards at the moment!) as I type!

It is hard with the children - mine where old enough to know what the reasons were and i do think my h lost a lot of respect because of it. But again that is his loss and i cant feel guilty for him there either.

My eldest DD still does talk about it and will not have her name mentioned in a nice way in the house. My younger dd wanted to call one of her dolls the name and my dd told her it was a horrible name. Noy sure if this is healthy or not but i have to try and let her deal with it herself.

Agree, actions do speak louder then words. My DH hasnt been big on actions or gestures either apart from the dithering like the OP.

McCharlieMouse, glad you are taking control of your situation and after time I dont think things are as scary as when you 1st find out. From my experience I know that when I 1st found out I would have done anything to not have to face the future alone with my DC, now that we have been on our own for the last two months I know that I can actually do it and its nowhere near as daunting as I first thought.

Good for you for seeing a solicitor at the start. I still havent done this although on my original thread it was mentioned several times. I have just been a bit worried about the implications and things moving too quick. Depending how today goes with my DH I think that it is the next move for me.

As for having older DC my eldest two are school age and although they know that we are not living together they dont know the details and are coping brilliantly. It probally helps that the last few weeks of my DH being here we really wasnt getting on and although you try to shield your children from arguements they still pick up on things. Now they see us just getting on together and even having a laugh and joke at times.

Yes, you've proved he was hedging his bets because now you've put your foot down, somehow the OW didn't seem like such an attractive option!

However, you do have control of the situation now so I echo everyone else who has advised you to take your own sweet time to think about what you want

One of the problems post-affair is that you want to try and recapture the good times with your DH to help rebuild the relationship, but there is also a need to have all those difficult conversations. I remember at one point having a row almost every time we went out somewhere on our own. We ended up agreeing times when we would talk about what had happened and I saved my issues up to deal with them then. It helped DH too because he didn't feel hijacked all the time - he could prepare himself for our "sessions" and was therefore much more receptive.

Mrscharlie it's taken a lot of work to get here but I truly do think we are stronger for what happened. DH and I had been together a long time and the affair gave us the opportunity to finish our marraige - I feel that we are together because we want to be, not because it's easier to be together than apart, or because of the children.

Other post-affair-ers - what would you do differently if you were back there again? I think I wasted a lot of emotional energy trying to get DH to commmit to stay and fix our marriage. I wish I had told him to go somewhere else for a month and sort his head out. My home became a battleground for a couple of months - a place that was my refuge became somewhere I hated to be.

Stirling nice to see you sounding so strong and together - what is happening now with you and DH? Have you decided to separate or are you still working through it all?

With hindsight, after he got rid of the OW I would not have let him move back in so quickly and would have made talking stuff through a condition of coming home. However, the kids were v keen to have him back and were really upset by him going - were aged 3 and 5 at the time and came into my room every day looking for their dad and crying when he wasn't there. It was truly horrible from their point of view and I had to do something about it. They are very sensitive to everything - a couple of mnths ago eldest cornered H and told him he hated to hear him shouting at me at night, which is awful (this was during the 'dont remind me of what I did or we cant move on, I can't live with being punished forever' strop stage).

Mrs CM - yes, take control. either it will give him a shock or you will be on the way to making your new life. either is preferable to where you are. If he thinks he can get away with failing to make a decision and stringing you both along he will, believe me.

Anyway, to cheer you all up I found this today at work: so we are killing ourselves and getting fat waists while putting up with this rubbish also (and it doesn't affect men in the same way - how typical!)

Women in strained marriages are more likely to feel depressed and suffer high blood pressure, obesity and other signs of ?metabolic syndrome,? a group of risk factors for heart disease, stroke and diabetes, University of Utah psychologists found.

The same study found men in strained marriages also are more likely to feel depressed, yet ? unlike women ? do not face an increased risk of metabolic syndrome, which is characterized by five symptoms: hypertension, obesity around the waistline, high blood sugar, high triglycerides and low levels of HDL, which is ?good cholesterol.?

Im not in a rush to get my DH back home and would rather wait till we are both sure before having him back and having to go through him leaving or us both just being unhappy with unresolved issues. I did make him leave when I found out and have told him that even if he wants to come back right now its not going to happen as we need to talk a whole lot more about whats happened. Then maybe date to make sure we are 100% doing the right thing.

The longer he dithers about it all though the longer I know I can manage on my own and get used to it. I need to think just as much as him. My DC have not heard from him since the weekend and havent so far this week asked for him, maybe they are getting used to it too? Or maybe that just shows how much he didnt do for them previously?

What I would do differently is probally not waste as much time hating the OW yes she done some nasty things in the aftermath but she is only young and has been told god knows what from him. Was very easy at the time to think 'if it wasnt for her' etc. Of course I know if it wasnt her it would have been someone else.

abedelia, thats an interesting fact I told my DH this was making me ill now I have the proof!

WDYAT - sounds like we are at remarkably similar stages and interesting what you say about the OW. Obviously I do hate her but it does "take 2 to tango" so there is no point entirely blaming her.

DH (D now stands for 'dithering' - as definitaly not a 'dear' or a 'darling'!) is taking time out next week away from me and OW. Meanwhile I have an appt with a solicitor!

No going on holiday by the way - not sure what I was thinking even vaguely considering that.

I would not have wasted so much energy on trying to 'save the marriage' either - i wish i had shown him the door and then aranged a few babysitters and nights out for myself.

I did seek legal advice early on and to the person who is scared it will go too fast dont be - you are under no obligation to go ahead however far you are. I feel so much more in control knowing what i would be legally entitled to now too. My solicitor gave me some fantastic advice (not just about legal matters either), and it helped me see that i would get through it ok.

I actually wish i had faced the ow - and smacked her squarely on the nose - i know it was not all her fault but even so she knew the stakes. I wish i had gone into the office and gave everyone a really good show.
At the time however i felt so pathetic and would have been too scared of being arrested or something.
But it is nice to feel the strengh now - i certainly would never be afraid of her.

Wish i had insisted he go to the std clinic too - i went alone , (oh and also wish i had forged a false letter from clinic to ow and her h saying they both needed to go for tests).

Good things to come out of it are.

I can go on holiday alone (and have actually driven abroad) - not sure h would let me though!!

I dont give in to as many arguements - i feel more justified in my thinking.

I have a fab job with really good money.

I feel justified in spending h money on me (i used to feel a bit guilty as he was the earner - but legal half is mine anyway).

I live much more for today and try and appreciate the world around me.

H and i have our own holiday now too.

I would no longer fear of him having an affair - we both know what would happen and if he did he would be out. So i have found some new boundaries for myself.

McCharlieMouse, It does sound like we are both at the same point in all this. He has only just turned up to talk and now the DC are home from school its clearly not going to happen. He still refuses to answer a few questions I have about it all as 'it doesnt matter' it does to me or I wouldnt ask! So much for the 100% open and honest policy!!

Have told him no more dithering he has taken the eldest DC out for a bit and told him I want an answer from him when he gets back. Just a guide as to what we are doing as we are no further down the road with all this then we was the day he left.

I asked him for his key back and he looked at me a bit like this But did leave it on the side.

And yes the D in my DH stands for anything but dear/darling husband!

Its good he taking some time out next week. Hopefully it will do him good and give him time to think with a clear head. Sounds like your making progress.

HappyWoman, was me who was worried about it all moving a bit quickly with a solicitor good to know that that isnt the case. I think it will do me good to know exactly where I stand with things. Oh and im gonna broach the subject of him visiting the std clinic too! Regardless of what goes on with us he needs to get his sexual health checked out!

I would also happily smack the OW if I happened to see her(despite knowing it isnt all her fault or help matters!)She knew me and knew he had 2 kids and another on the way. Also she has called me some pretty vile things via facebook.

I'm going back to the city / area where the ow lives for the first time in 8 months shortly. God knows what I would do if I saw her - probably ask her a few questions to suss out how much of a liar H still is before considering whether to give her a good slap...

OP and others who have posted here - I am so sorry for what you are going through. My DH didn't dither admittedly, but the pain is still raw and flares up 6 months on.

Aren't these OW cowards, attacking people online? Will post at some other point about what I would have done differently, but I thought with Facebook, you had to be accepted by the person to see their page? Sorry for my ignorance, I don't use Facebook. Since the OW in our case posted stuff on the sites I do use, I have often wondered what she's been putting on Facebook. Is there any way I can check without her knowing?

In my case the OW wasnt on my facebook friends but there is an option when you search for someone at the side and it says 'send message' thats how I got my lovely message. I upped all the privacy but doesnt seem a way round that one.

You can only view it if you are on facebook and if the OW has no privacy on her account.

Facebook is a bit stealthy in that it can often let everyone in your network eg Cardiff, london etc so a lot of people read your profile and lots of info unless you actually opt out of this. So you can see other people's stuff sometimes. If her info is limited to friends only then you'd have to make up a false profile and get her to accept it as a friend - I know this as ow's husband kept on trying this with my H during his revenge period...

Hi all - Just catching up with this as been on 600 mile round trip to a funeral.

Hope everyone is having a decent weekend.

whatdoyouallthink - I think you need to say to your h, that he can either answer all your questions, honestly, in one go, and get it over with, or have this process drag on for a few more months. Why dont they see that the quicker they answer everything the sooner you can heal and get on with your life. Let him know that you are not going to let it drop.

Someone asked what would we do different if we could go back - I am a bit like HW - I wish I had been strong enough to kick h out and only let him back if he had truly cut all ties with ow and begged (on his knees) to come back. I think if you dont make a stand like that it is too easy for them to carry on as normal and still keep in contact with ow.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing

actually stirling mine did come back on his kness - but it took me far too long to get to that stage and i should have stood up to him before that anyway. Not sure the outcome would have been much different anyway but as you say hindsight is wonderful.

Stirling, my H turned up late wouldnt answer anything never mind honestly. Turned into a bit of a slanging match-no idea how. Basically told him I would be seeing a solicitor and thats it decision made. I rang one asap and now have the appointment.

He isnt making any of the right moves or saying any of the right things to suggest that he even wants to come back. Feel like ive been pushed into a corner to make the choice for him so he can walk away saying its all my idea. He is still turning things round to me and the things I done wrong and seems unwilling to accept any of the blame-is this typical of men in this situation? Im hoping at some point he will have his moment of clarity and think wtf have I done and that I will be strong enough to not listen to him.

Despite him saying he isnt I have a nagging feeling that he is probally still seeing the OW. I actually feel like I make so much progress in regards to feeling strong etc and then its a million steps back and feel back at square one.

If he isn't completely consumed with guilt/sorrow and refuses to talk then, to me, it sounds like the ow is still on the scene - or at least he would like her to be

My h sounds like your h - I always felt that he just wanted me to make the decision to end the relationship. Technically known as "a complete lack of balls" !

No he isnt consumed with guilt/sorrow. He says his sorry for what has happened but its hardly a knocking the door down apology. It started off that he was sorry he had hurt me but really sorry he had hurt her and dragged her into it all. He hasnt been saying that for a long while and only did in the early days but still says a lot.

Your right it is a complete lack of balls. Things were so awful the other night that I cant have a night like that again. I dont think he understands exactly how I feel about things and it seems he doesnt want to either.

So appointment made and solicitor is the next step.

McCharlieMouse, how are things with you now?

Wow whatdoyouallthink your h sounds exactly like mine!

I was so very angry when he said that he was just as guilty for what he had done to ow as me I couldn't get him to see that she at least knew exactly what she was getting into - she knew he was married with dc. I was dragged into the awful situation after they had been at it for a year!!

I am afraid your situation sounds very like mine and I dont think ours will have a happy ending.

I strongly advise getting legal advice and not letting him back to live at house until he can prove it is all over. And even then you may not want him back anyway! Remember, take control and you will feel greatly empowered.

Stay strong x

Stirling, Im glad someone can understand the situation!!

In my case the ow is very young(18!!) but she knew me and that we had two DC and another on the way thru how he met her. She got very nasty when it all came out but seems to have calmed down a lot.

Its a shame you dont think yours is not going to have a happy ending. I am very new to mumsnet so dont know your full back story but have read a few threads like this one and seen your advice before and you have a very good understanding on all this.

I got the key back for our house so no chance of him living back here and as I said appointment booked for next week where solicitor concerned. Cant help but think its all so sad that its ended it up this way.

You stay strong too!!x

Stirling and whatdo - it may seem sad at the moment but there will be happiness again in your life.

You will feel better once the awfulness of the solicitor is over - dont go too fast - there is no time limit really and make sure you get all you are entitled to.

I think these men do want you to end it for them so they can be the injured party.

stay strong

Sorry not to have posted over the weekend -my Mum has been here keeping me busy and taking me and DS out places! Good luck with the solicitor WDYAT - I have an appt tomorrow morning.

I've had no contact with DH since last Thurs and have no idea where he is. I am hoping he is out searching for his spine!

I have to admit I did expect the odd text at least to ask how DS is, but nothing...that's his loss though.

Good luck WDYAT and Stirling, I hope things turn out as well as they can given the crappy situation we seem to have all found ourselves in.

Thanks McCharlie I have no doubt that things will be great again - with or without h!!

I think the men will be the losers long term - they will miss out on so much of their dc's and family life in general.

I think we will look back and wonder why we spent so long trying to make it work when they just couldn't be arsed!

Thanks also McCharlie, good luck with the solicitor. Does your H know your going?

Told mine I am yesterday and all he could say was 'oh' no dont do it or its not what I want.

Agree Stirling they are missing out, especially where the dc are concerned cant imagine not waking up with them there and knowing that its for the long run.

Im sure your right Stirling we will look back and wonder why we bothered for so long!