Why doesn't my mother understand that I can't give this baby away?

[electra]

I am 33 weeks pregnant and my mother is trying to force me to give my baby away. The baby's father is out of the picture - he lives abroad. I have two daughters who are 7 and 5 from my marriage and they see a lot of their dad and he and I get on ok - so we are doing everything we can to make their lives as happy as possible.

At first I will admit that I didn't want to have this baby and felt very confused about the whole thing. But as the pregnancy has gone on, I have come to realise that I think it's the right thing for me to keep the child and actually at the moment the thought of someone taking it away makes me quite angry.

The things my mother has said about it are awful and she says she won't support me if I keep it - she talks about it as if it isn't even a person and gets angry if I buy anything for it. But giving the child away isn't an option for me now.

I have tried from the beginning to do what I can live with. I know the situation isn't ideal, but I have tried to make decisions which won't be another hit on my mental health or upset my children further. After being very ill, I have managed to successfully rebuild the relationship I had with my daughters and they trust me again.

Why won't my mother understand? She says I shouldn't be able to keep the baby just because I want to. I can't help my feelings - surely it is natural for me to want to keep my own child.

Her reasons for why I should give the child away include;

She doesn't want to have to help me out with it.

My older dd has special needs and is upset by the pregnancy (I think we will be able to deal with this though)

I am 'not very maternal' (in her opinion)

I will not be able to do anything with my life for the next 5 years (I don't agree with this).

Sorry......I just needed to vent this somewhere as I'm feeling sad about it. Particularly as the baby isn't growing very well and I am having to go for a lot of scans at the moment. I feel as though I'm the only one who cares about it

Oh poor you that is such an awful thing to be worrying about, especially at this time in your pregnancy.

Will your mum not accept that this is your baby, not hers and therefore it is not her decision to make?

Keeping a baby because you want to and because you are able to is a pretty good reason IMO. I think you need to do what is right for you and your daughters and that might mean not having your mum in your life. If you can cope with the thought of that then stand firm.

Wow, I agree with Sidge. Your life, your baby. No one else has a say in the matter.

Sorry you are having to go through this, your new baby should be a happy occasion, something positive and you should do whatever you need to do, to make it that way - no matter what anyone else says.

Prove her wrong. Do it and do it well, show her that you can put your nose to the grindstone and get through this with or without her support.

Good luck and best wishes for you, your daughters and your new baby

Agree with Sidge, it is not your mums decision to make.

Good luck with your pregnancy and enjoy your baby when he/she arrives.

I know it's difficult. BUT just tell your mother that it's her opinion and keep it to herself. Tell her that what you need is a supportive mother not a negative energy. I get so angry with it as my mom is similar (keeps telling me don't have another one.. or the last one I had, couldn't I abort it.. etc..). She probably thinks it's best for your health and that you are well adjusted to your life now so she doesn't want things to upset your life balance again I suppose. But if you want it, you must fight for it and prove her wrong. I'm sure she will change her mind later when she sees the little angel.

That is awful and I am so sorry for you. If you werent maternal you wouldnt care, its that simple. There are lots of support agencies out there - do you have contacts with those. REly on them and show your mum you can do it!! We are always here if it gets tough.

Good luck and believe in your ability to be a fantastic mum! Which you obviously are as you have two lovely daughters and have brought them up with two parents even though it may be harder on you....as Kerrymumbles says IGNORE....you are doing what is right for you and your daughters will be fine! my thoughts are with you xx

Electra, so sorry you find yourself without your mum's support at the moment.
I agree with all other posters: your baby - your decision to keep it. Surely that decision alone makes you "maternal"?! It sounds like you had to do a lot of soul searching and thinking to get to this point where you are certainly feeling protective of your child (hope the slow growth is nothing to worry about). Do you think your mother is protective of you and is simply overshooting the mark a bit? You never know, she may come round; new babies tend to have that effect on grandparents....
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Good luck. With a mother like her I am not surprised you have had mental health issues in the past. Can you say to her 'This is not up for discussion' any time she starts? And can you seek out support elsewhere? It is NOT up to her, never was, never will be: your body, your baby, your life, your choice.

If your mother feels that she will be expected to help you cope with your new baby then I expect she feels like she ought to have some say. I don't think she should have any say in your decision, but I can kind of see why she might think so.

Can you give her reassurance that you're not going to be over-relying on her? Can you explain how you're going to copy - I know that sounds silly, who knows how they're going to cope with a baby, but eg can you get your mum to talk to your eldest daughter about the new baby? Can you begin to map out for your mum what will happen over the next 5 years?

Not remotely the same, but my Dad has Parkinsons and my siblings and step mum have torn themselves apart trying to make the right decision for him (house alterations, care home, moving to a bungalow type decisions). My dh keeps reminding me that my dad is old enough (and sensible enough!) to make decisions for himself without us getting into arguements about what is the best thing to do.

You need to find a way to persuade your mum that you've thought this through, as I know you have. Just tackle one thing at a time with her.

btw, congrats and good luck!

She says you're not very maternal - she hardly sounds like Mother Earth herself

When she says she won't support you, just say "OK" and go your own way. It's not "OK" of course, but as she won't change your mind (and rightly so), either it won't make a scrap of difference or you'll call her bluff.
You have nothing to lose but her negativity.

Oh love. I really feel for you. My mother was the same fifteen years ago. And my father. My mother told me to 'get rid of it' and that I 'wouldn't be able to love it' as though it were some low-life cockroach. My father told me that I would end up 'on the dole in a council house' because they wouldn't help me. Which was total crap and even if it had been true would not have been the end of the bloody world.

But I was in the grip of my parents back in those black old days (I was about your age then) and believed everything they said. I did 'get rid,' though I screamed the ruddy place down and had a breakdown two years later. It was the worst decision of my life. Like solid says, no wonder I had problems and got into shit relationships and married a tosser with parents like mine.

I have no contact with them anymore. I am not the same person anymore. I am 100 per cent different and 100 per cent happier.

Your baby. Your life. Your baby's life. Your decision. Your house, your coffee, your knickers, your family and your decision. NOT theirs.

I mean, have you warned your mother that if she carries on being so unkind/unhelpful she might have a stoke and you aren't going to be the one to wipe her down?

Bloody parents. Congratulations on keeping your child and for posting so very mildly about a horrid position to be in. Is your baby a boy or a girl or do you not know? What names are you thinking of? have you joined your local freecycle group for things? Are you having counselling to remind you that you are your own person and mother, not the daughter/child/imbecile they seem to be trying to keep you as?

Your children have a new playmate coming. This baby needs as much love and support as possible and a big warm welcome into the world.

If your mother was standing next to me I would tell her to butt right out unless she had something positive to say. And if she hasn't she should sling her hook.

I hope you have RL friends and a good HV/midwife etc to help you and shore you up, and possibly your own siblings to lean on. If not, then join the orphan babies club! I have no family, no siblings, no h's family, no family at all around me. And thereby nor does my son. But I tell you, we are tickling along ok and he has made me the happiest knackered old lady ever. And I love him to pieces even though his father is the worst example of shittiness... thereby proving that the 'you won't love it' line of fifteen years ago was a damned cruel lie and utter bollocks.

Ask your mother why she bothered having YOU if she is so bloody concerned about the necessity of being a good parent; because it sounds like she herself is failing signally in this respect right now.

Remind her to remove the huge speeding tree trunk from her own eye before removing the small twig from yours(as Dot Cotton might say )

Good luck.

gawd, bit of a ramble sorry but your mother's attitude has struck a nerve.

I don't think that your mum has any right to question your maternal instinct when hers is clearly lacking.

You say you have suffered mental illness? Was this to do with your mother per chance?

She sounds like a horrid old bag. Keep the baby and lose your mum. You would be better off by the sounds.

What a wretched way to treat your daughter.

How DARE your mother presume to take ownership of your uterus!???

If I were you, I would stop talking to her. What an outrageous thing to keep pushing on anyone, let alone a woman who is already a mother and who is your own daughter.

Your mother is behaving FUCKING APPALLINGLY.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through electra, can only second other opinions and say IT's YOUR LIFE, YOUR BABY, YOUR BODY and tell them to leave you alone. Maternal, yeah, FGS, that's why she's nagging you to get rid of a new life. I think unlikelyamazonian has given a lot of really tangible advice re freecycle, etc. I think you should join a support group, could you speak to your HV? Do you have a nice one? Or a good doctor you could confide in? Sometimes just sharing the load makes you feel lighter. Your dc will grow up to love their new sibling, don't worry about that. Concentrate on your LO and I hope your scans are going alright and you'll soon hold your baby in your arms.

Can I just say I looked at your profile and your girls are beautiful.

To me you seem to be doing a very good job with them and I am sure you will with your new baby.

Your mother is a cow and you deserve more love and support at this special time not her negative comments.

Hope all goes well with the birth and well done you. x

I really do feel for you as my ex tried to pressure me to have an abortion. Please don't do it just for your mum. Keep your baby. It will be a blessing.

And as for your mum-She is projecting her emotions onto you- she has no maternal feelings regarding this baby and therefore is trying to make you take on her own inadequacy. Horrid bitch. Don't listen.

oh electra (it's jj)

What would happen if you totally refuse to engage in any discussion - just say 'this isn't up for discussion' and leave the room (lock yourself in the bathroom!) every time she starts. Put her behaviour on extinction!

fucking bitch. Ignore. Cut her out if you have to.

She does sound toxic but I don't know if people referring to her as a bitch is helpful. On the other hand it might be what you want to hear

Mother/daughter relationships can be very challenging. I went through a difficult time with my mum. We didn't talk or see each other for a year. Funnily enough, our relationship was much better after.

Being pregnant brings with it a lot of emotions and it can be a very vulnerable time when you need loved ones on board. Your mum is not doing a good job of parenting right now - quite the opposite. Yet she is judging you on your parenting skills. Maybe you could point out the double standards? Have you told your mum how you feel about the way she is behaving? It sounds as though you have enough to worry about with the baby without having to put up with this tbh.

"After being very ill, I have managed to successfully rebuild the relationship I had with my daughters and they trust me again."

Can you elaborate on this comment? What happened, were you sectioned through mental illness? Did you lose your children temporarily?

Is it possible your mother thinks this new baby will be too much for you to cope with and you may end up 'very ill' again?

I don't think your mum is unreasonable if she will be the one looking after it and financially supporting it. If you're on to your 3rd child you really should be supporting yourself with the help of the kids' fathers and not still looking to mummy to bail you out.
If you want this baby then you'll have to tell her you are financially and physically able to look after your kids without her help so she doesn't feel you are just endlessly making work for her and taking time and money from her.

blimey 2rebecca, why not say what you think without being in full possession of the facts

Whilst I don't think it is unreasonable for your mother to tell you that she would not be in a position to help you much - financially or practically - with a new baby (especially if you are used to that help already with your DDs and might expect the same with new baby, don't know from your post sorry), it is totally unacceptable for her to try and tell you what to do and to say the hurtful and shocking things she has been saying. 'She says I shouldn't be able to keep this baby just because I want to'. Dreadful thing to say. I can't think of a better reason to have a baby.

Are you having counselling? It might help counterbalance the effects such comments from your mother may be having.

Good luck with your pregnancy and new baby.