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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why doesn't my mother understand that I can't give this baby away?

77 replies

electra · 27/02/2009 21:27

I am 33 weeks pregnant and my mother is trying to force me to give my baby away. The baby's father is out of the picture - he lives abroad. I have two daughters who are 7 and 5 from my marriage and they see a lot of their dad and he and I get on ok - so we are doing everything we can to make their lives as happy as possible.

At first I will admit that I didn't want to have this baby and felt very confused about the whole thing. But as the pregnancy has gone on, I have come to realise that I think it's the right thing for me to keep the child and actually at the moment the thought of someone taking it away makes me quite angry.

The things my mother has said about it are awful and she says she won't support me if I keep it - she talks about it as if it isn't even a person and gets angry if I buy anything for it. But giving the child away isn't an option for me now.

I have tried from the beginning to do what I can live with. I know the situation isn't ideal, but I have tried to make decisions which won't be another hit on my mental health or upset my children further. After being very ill, I have managed to successfully rebuild the relationship I had with my daughters and they trust me again.

Why won't my mother understand? She says I shouldn't be able to keep the baby just because I want to. I can't help my feelings - surely it is natural for me to want to keep my own child.

Her reasons for why I should give the child away include;

She doesn't want to have to help me out with it.

My older dd has special needs and is upset by the pregnancy (I think we will be able to deal with this though)

I am 'not very maternal' (in her opinion)

I will not be able to do anything with my life for the next 5 years (I don't agree with this).

Sorry......I just needed to vent this somewhere as I'm feeling sad about it. Particularly as the baby isn't growing very well and I am having to go for a lot of scans at the moment. I feel as though I'm the only one who cares about it

OP posts:

Original poster

electra · 04/03/2009 21:58

citronella - I think that would be a really good idea. Sometimes she seems to hate me and I can't figure out what I have done. No matter how hard I try, nothing I do is right. I have never had a relationship with my father - I have since learned he didn't want children and didn't really want me. With my mother things were different. I used to think I had a good relationship with her but when I look back on it now, I can see that it was always emotionally abusive and that she was only nice to me when I was doing what she wanted.

I often say to her now 'I don't need you to do that, thanks' - knowing she will throw it in my face later but she takes no notice and does it anyway.

She brought up the issue of the baby today. Apparently she is worried I will call her and want her to help me settle the baby at night When I had dd1 she would regularly call in at night time to help me settle her -- entirely her initiative with no asking from me. But at the time I was only 21 years old, it was my first baby and I was not at all confident with a newborn. None of my generation in my family had yet had children. Today the situation is entirely different.

OP posts:

Original poster

electra · 04/03/2009 21:59

Thanks again for your kind messages...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/03/2009 22:06

Your mother is toxic. You need to get her out of your life, no matter what. Because she is bad, bad, bad for your mental health.

And if she can't see that, too fucking bad for her.

'She says I should give the baby away for her sake. There is a pattern throughout my relationship with her where she decides to do something to help me, without my even asking and then after she's done it she throws it in my face time and again or complains about having done it. This is very tiring for me.'

She is beyond twisted.

I have a normal mother.

A normal mother would never, ever consider doing this to her child. EVER. She would be supportive of her decision to keep the baby. End of.

Get rid of this huge source of mental stress in your life, please, for yours and your childrens' sake.

hellymelly · 04/03/2009 22:13

Perhaps because you were so young when you had your first baby your mother was able to take a more controlling roll than she might have been able to if you had been older and more confident?She is crushing you horribly and seems to be extremely callous.I would say this is her problem,she seems to be using your vulnerabilty to bully you.It is YOUR baby,not your mother's or anyone elses.Do you have any other support?Friends or other family? Could you get extra supprt from the maternity mental health co-ordinator at your hospital?(I had a traumatic birth with DD1 and the MMHC at my hospital was amazing and gave me lots of great support with the birth of DD2)sounds like you need help from anyone but your mother.good luck with your baby,I am sad for you that you are going through this,especially when you need to just focus on your pregnancy and your other daughters.

hellymelly · 04/03/2009 22:13

Original poster

electra · 05/03/2009 15:07

I know expat But it's easier said than done. My younger dd is beginning to dislike her - because she sees her behaviour towards me and thinks it is unkind. Of course, I get the blame for that too, apparently I have poisoned her against my mother, even though I would do nothing of the sort and don't say anything negative about her to dd2.

Thanks hellymelly. My mother tried to force me to have an abortion the first time I was pregnant, even though I had a supportive partner then who had a good job and wanted to keep the child as well. She wanted me to have a career and a baby at 21 was not in her plans for me....and she has resented me for that ever since. At 23 she was trying to convince me to get sterilised Actually, I don't think she is well herself.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/03/2009 15:14

The easier said than done is costing you a lot mentally. Please try to find support to heave ho this gal from your life, because the toll she's taken on your emotionally over the years is huge and is now moving on to the next generation.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2009 15:14

Original poster

electra · 05/03/2009 16:16

expat - you are right. But do you think it would be completely futile to attempt some kind of counseling as citronella suggests?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/03/2009 16:39

it would be a good idea for you to get counselling for the damage your mother has done to your self-esteem and emotional well-being.

but not to salvage your relationship with her. that would mean she sees and acknowledges there's a problem with her behaviour.

you can't have a healthy relationship with someone like that and a dysfunctional one, like the one you have now, is taking too much of a toll on you.

so it's futile to seek counselling to have a relationshi with her.

go to get your self-esteem back so you can be more assertive around people like her.

but you need to get her out of your life for now because she's very toxic and you're quite vulnerable just now.

IMO.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2009 17:39

electra,

I would agree with Expat; it is futile to enter into relationship counselling with your Mother. She is a toxic parent and far too damaged as an individual and will just use any joint counselling (I urge you again NOT to go down that route) as a stick to beat you with. Toxic people never take any responsibility for their actions, blame others always for their own failings and never issue apologies.

I would suggest counselling for YOURSELF because your mother has done you much emotional harm over the years. Would also suggest you visit the "Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

These sorts of problems as well can become generational in nature; you cannot allow the next generation i.e your children to be influenced in any way by your malign presence of your Mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2009 17:42

Not at all surprised to read either that your youngest DD dislikes her - you have a very perceptive DD.

Original poster

electra · 05/03/2009 22:12

Thanks for replies. Attila, I read the stately homes threads and sometimes post - it's only recently that I recognised my parents fit this pattern of behaviours. I think I have spent years feeling confused about why certain things happen.

I don't find myself parenting my own dds in the same way though at all - it goes completely against the grain how they approach parenting - denying a person their feelings and trying to make them feel like a bad person for a start.....

Anyway, I suppose I do need counseling because otherwise I won't learn to believe that I don't need my parents. Thanks for your good wishes.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 05/03/2009 22:15

it's not that you don't need them, it's that you don't need that type of behaviour. think of it in that way.

you don't need that type of behaviour.

from anyone.

Reallytired · 05/03/2009 22:23

I think what your mother is toxic and you should ignore her.

"She doesn't want to have to help me out with it."

She doesn't have to help you out with it. I am sure you are resilant at finding other sources of help. Prehaps your health visitor could put you in contact with homestart. Or maybe you could get a trainee nursery nurse to help you inorder to get experience with babies. I know someone whose health visitor precisely arranged this when she was struggling to cope.

"My older dd has special needs and is upset by the pregnancy (I think we will be able to deal with this though)"

Many children without special needs get upset by pregnancy and the arrival of a new sibling. My son is planning to swap our new baby with his friend's guinea pig!

I am sure that your children would be devestated if you gave your baby up for adoption.

"I am 'not very maternal' (in her opinion)"

She is just putting you down. Even if you don't always feel maternal it doesn't mean that you aren't a good mother.

"I will not be able to do anything with my life for the next 5 years (I don't agree with this)."

Well, there you go. Life is what you make of it. There are more options for mothers with young children than ever before.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2009 22:25

Excellent post, Reallytired.

ladylush · 05/03/2009 22:38

Some useful services:
Surestart
Perinatal Mother + Baby (via CMHTs). Ask your CPN

Original poster

electra · 06/03/2009 15:18

Thanks so much - all of you. Those are great suggestions that I haven't thought of. My social worker did say that she would go through the kinds of support I could access before the baby is born and I have told my mother many times that I would not need her (practical) help if she did not feel that she could give it. To which she replied 'oh, that's rubbish.....you'll never be able to '

You are right - I must be a resourceful person. I have run an educational program for my dd who has special needs (since she was 3), and I managed to get the provision I wanted for her into her statement, even though the council were very opposed to it, and it is supposed to be hard to do. I did this because I was so determined, and without any help from my parents....so I should be able to handle this too

OP posts:

roseability · 06/03/2009 15:47

Electra - I must back up what others have told you on this thread. I also feel you need your mother out of your life. You can stand on your own two feet. I have toxic parents myself and only through counselling (for myself) and surrounding myself with supportive people did I manage to be myself and stop trying to please them. Do this for yourself, you deserve it.

Original poster

electra · 06/03/2009 17:48

roseability - how did you find your counselor? I'm not sure what the first step is...

OP posts:

roseability · 06/03/2009 19:17

I actually got mine free through my job. I know it isn't so easy for others. Have you tried your GP? Other posters might have more ideas.

It is amazing the effect and power our parents can have over us. The fact that you are making a stand about this baby is very brave and you should give yourself a big pat on the back for that. It is a great step towards breaking free from your mother's toxic grip.

What kind of support network do you have?

I do still have contact with my parents but don't ask for their help in any way. I rely on others I trust and love. I hope you have this.

jangly · 06/03/2009 19:30

Your mother's no saint, but then who is? Its very unrealistic of her to tell you to give the baby away. Of course you wouldn't want to do that. However, if she has started to talk baby clothes, then it sounds as though she is coming round to the idea of having another grandchild. I would say give her time. Don't call her a bitch (I'm sure YOU don't anyway) - and certainly don't shut her out of your life! What would be the point in that!?

charitygirl · 06/03/2009 19:37

at jangly

roseability · 06/03/2009 19:43

Second that charitygirl

There is being no saint and then there is being abusive and manipulative to your own child.

jangly · 06/03/2009 19:53

Yes, of course. Its much better advice to go in all guns blazing, ruin any family relationship there might still be, take away the granny to the other two little girls, etc. Yeah, definitely take the bitchy line everytime.

NO! Actually its best to go softly softly and give them time. Especially when you can't possibly know the whole of the situation.

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