Long, very long - and involves prostitution, so please don't read if you're offended

[OFFS]

If you have some sort of "issues" round about sex work, please don't bother replying. I'm as human as you and I'm not interested in your (probably uninformed) vitriol.

I'm namechanging for this post for obvious reasons. I'm an occasional/sporadic poster, and have been hailed as a caring friend on other threads in another name. I am actually a nice person. MNHQ have access to my email address, which is my working name@my working website address, so please keep your shouts of "Troll" to yourselves. I'm posting in the middle of the night because I don't think I'll sleep otherwise. I'll probably go to bed once I hit "Create Conversation", so sorry if I don't respond right away.

So. Several years ago, my DH was headhunted: double the salary he'd been earning, and all sorts of additional benefits. We had to move across country, and we took on a big mortgage. He then got laid off, we both desperately tried to get other work, but all that we could find simply wasn't enough to cover the bills. I suggested that I become an escort/prostitute - not DH, but he agreed. As I pointed out to him at the time, he had no interest in my work when it was dull, boring, routine stuff, no need for him to know the details once I became a whore. (Yes, I'm getting the pejoratives out of the way myself.)

As it turned out, I'd left it too late to save the house, but we sold at the price we'd bought and moved into rented. That's been fine - our landlord is not BTL and our tenancy is secure.

I would point out that I'm what's known as an "Independent" - I don't work the streets, or hotel bars, I don't work in a brothel or for an agency, I don't have any variety of pimp. I have a website and get my business through that. I have never had a violent client. HM Customs and Revenue are the only people who get a cut of my earnings, which is how it should be. For those who don't know, my work is entirely legal, and my clients aren't breaking any laws either.

For the first while, I was earning good money and DH didn't work (we have DCs, he became SAHD, and as I was SAHM when the DCs were very little, that was fine) - then I became resentful that the whole responsibilty for paying for everything was falling on me. Even when I was a SAHM, other than the first 18 months with DS1 and PND, I was earning, through shitty part-time jobs in the evenings and at weekends; he had three years doing fuck-all.

My resentment - I'll be honest - took the form of witholding sex. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but when I was SAHM I felt that it was important that I pleased him sexually, and expected the same from him when he was SAHD. What actually happened was that I couldn't be bothered/felt I didn't have to please him while I was the main earner, and he didn't step up to the plate. The result was/is that we have had rather dull, routine sex for years now. It's complicated by the fact that I am a sex worker - I don't feel comfortable "behaving like a whore" with my DH. (And I'm actually pretty vanilla as a hooker - some of you have more varied and interesting sex lives with your DH/DPs than I do with my DH or clients.)

After I bitched made my point, he did find work. It's not highly-paid and has irregular hours, but it helps. He's great at sharing domestic tasks and I have absolutely no complaints in that field.

Over the past few months, however, I have realised that I'd like a better sex life with my DH. It's not that we've become distant or anything - we still love each other, support each other, he's been brilliant domestically and so on, and we never fight - but sex has been rather dull for years and I wanted to rectify that. It's a gradual process, because I don't want him to think, "She's a whore", but I've been working on it (and he's been duly appreciative, though still not taking any sort of initiative.)

Because of my work, I've always deleted all of my internet histories, run crapcleaner after every online session and so on - I tell the DCs it's to avoid viruses, spyware etc (and we probably have the cleanest PC in the country lol!) but really it's because I don't want then to know the truth. My DH does the same, in the interests of privacy. (Oh come on, no-one wants to know that their dad looks at porn, and our DC are adults!)

We use Firefox as a browser rather than IE.

So, that's the back story. Now the news.

Every now and then, the PC crashes and needs a restart. I don't know about IE, but in such a case Firefox - if you haven't cleared everything - offers a "You closed unexpectedly, would you like to restart last session" or "start new session" option when the PC is back up and running and you fire up Firefox. Usually I hit "start new session" out of respect for privacy (highly prized in our household, and generally repected) but today, out of curiosity, and not expecting anything but porn, I hit "restart". My DH was out at the time, as were the DC. My DH was the last person to use the PC.

I know he looks at porn, and that doesn't bother me; we joke about it. I even thought I knew his favourite sites.

What I wasn't expecting was to find myself logged in to a yahoo account about which I knew nothing. What I further wasn't expecting was that he has memberships on all sorts of adult-dating, cheating, no-strings-attached sex sites. Not paid ones, mind.

Oh, yes, I looked at them all - I don't have the password to the yahoo account, but the yahoo account gave me passwords and usernames to many different accounts on diferent websites, so I figured I'd best use them while I could. And I did.

From quite comprehensive searching (I logged into every account I could find on all of the different sites) it seems he hasn't actually met anyone; there was one email from last summer where he said he was interested in uncomplicated shagging but nothing further seems to have happened. He's still got active accounts on different sites, some of which he accessed yesterday, but he hasn't responded to various winks, nudges or whatever. He hasn't filled out any profiles.

So I don't think he's been unfaithful, and I don't think he's likely to be, especially as I have been making more of an effort lately. (Well, he wasn't.)

So, do I say, "Darling, you did't clear your histories and I found...." or do I let it go, and make more of an effort to interest him sexually at home, or do we have a very uncomfortable conversation?

I would particularly appreciate SGB's input on this one.

And I've previewed this post, and spotted all my typos and really can't be arsed sorting them. |But to anticipate those who will say I've been unfaithful to him - he always knew what I was doing. I knew nothing about this.

Dittany, if you want to debate the issues around sex work, it's probably better on another thread, as the OP specifically asked that her thread not be used for that.

OFFS, I hope your evening goes well, and that you can have a think about ways to find more freedom and privacy from your teenage dcs...do you really feel they would just barge in? That needs addressing too, I think. Good luck!

Sorry, I gave the wrong link for SAAFE - it's here.

Dittany, I'm not campaigning for the sex industry - and I close my eyes when I have sex with my DH, I close my eyes when listening to some kinds of music. Closing my eyes enables me to concentrate on what I'm feeling.

Dittany: sex work at the high end (well-paid consenting self-caretaking sex workers) is a lot less awful than relationship sex engaged in to placate a bullying partner, or out of a sense of miserable, grinding obligation. Lots of relationship sex is unenjoyable, involves barely-given and certainly not freely-given consent from one partner - do you condemn all relationship sex on those grounds?

BitOfFun, they wouldn't barge into the bedroom, but I like to get a bit spontaneous in the livingroom from time to time.

Mind you, it might teach the DCs that if they say "Good night" they shouldn't reappear half an hour later looking for food.

As I said, this is probably best dealt with elsewhere, itching though it gets people with strong opinions!

Definitely! I am lucky in that we get every Saturday night kid-free, so the couch sees some action then

Dittany, you've called me a male fantasist, in short, a liar. You're denying my experience, taht anything I say could possibly be true. That's not far from "denying me a voice" really, is it?

If you point out my glaring discrepancies and contradictions, I'll happily explain them.

Thread is becoming pointless. Just talk to your dh. Quite simple.

Thanks for that, Irisheyes78, I have done. We're sorted, and not a cheesy cock between us.

So when does the "high end" sex end? I assume age plays a part in this? What will you do then?

Jodie, I started when I was aged nearly 39, I'm now getting on for 47. I know of another WG who only started at 52, and "retired" - moved on - at 55. "High end" has nothing to do with being young, lithe and gorgeous - or rather, it doesn't have to do with those aspects. I'm about to start another thread, for those of you who are curious about my working life, and will post the link when I have.

I have said previously in this thread, that I'm taking training soon which will help move me on to another place in life. But every WG is different, she becomes a WG for different reasons, and leaves being a WG for her own reasons too.

What does high end actually mean then? I'm not being sarcastic or anything, just genuinely asking.

OFFS amazing. after getting through this interesting thread, i'm glad to see you and your DH worked it out.

Jodie, the phrase "high end" was not used by me, but by SGB.I have now started started another thread for discussion. Thank you for your interest, and for your lack of condemnation.

chefswife We just needed to talk.

Jodie: TYI 'high end' means a sex worker who is doing the job of her own free will, whose jobs often involve dinner and drinks as well as sex - ie an experience of sex work which is a long way from the drug addicts and trafficking victims working the streets or trapped in the walk-up flats.

OFFS

Did you change emotionally when you started your new job?

I can imagine it changed the dynamics both in your family and in your relationship with your undertaking. Did you have to "close yourself down emotionally" for work, and did this affect your relationship with your dh?

If so, my guess is that he was just seeking a thrill, a bit of emotional excitement. He probably has many questions about your job, that he want to ask, but feels that he cant. While you on your side, might feel you cant take charge in the bedroom and try something new and exciting with your dh, as he might think "blimey, this is what she gets paid for" as he does not know how "vanilla" you are.

I think you have to let your guard down. Be honest with your dh, and tell him how you feel. That sex with clients is just that, sex. A paid for performance with one end: clients satisfaction. Sex with your dh is different, it is making love. It has your emotions and your love added, and in your opinion, you dont have a love life aside from what you do with him, and you want more of it. Not from a technical perspective, but from the perspective of emotional wellbeing, and closeness. Besides, you fancy the pants of him. Which I hope you do. I hope I am not off the mark. I did not read the other replies as I have a fealing it quite possibly "took off". I saw your other thread.

I hope you get this sorted.

So OFFS, you say you've talked to your dh and you are now all sorted? Well thanks for telling us!

I must admit that long post of yours did read like an ad for sex workers and you failed to tell us that you had solved the problem we had taken time in advising on!

I do wonder if there is another motivation to all of this, so for that reason, in the words of 'Dragons Den', I'm out.

Gosh what a dilemma.from what i can see you have both started living lives where sex is a bought and sold commodity and it is hardly surprising the intimacy and trust has gone from your own relationship.You need to talk honestly I can't believe any man deep down would be happy with their wife doing this

Rhubarb, I'm truly sorry if you feel used, because you've been brilliant. The problem is not "all sorted" - that will take time, and work from both of us, but we're making a start. My attitude has changed though, from when I first posted till now, and that's because of the input I had from you and from many others on this thread. As I said earlier, MrsTittleMouse made a post that really made me think; it was like a bucket of cold water when I stopped to take it on board.

I have read it all and thought about it all (and it didn't really kick off, FannyWaglour ) and, as you all said, we needed to have that difficult conversation. We did (one of the reasons I wasn't here most of the weekend) and I don't want to post mortem it here, but I also didn't want to ignore the people who took the time to try to help me, which is why I was posting last night.

I'm also sorry if anyone thinks I was advocating sex work as a Good Thing, but it riles me (and many other independent WGs I know) when people always associate prostitution with streetwork, trafficking, drugs, pimps and so on, because that just isn't true for all of us (though it is undoubtedly true for many).

I'll go look at my other thread now since this one has run it's course. Thanks again to everyone who posted, I really do appreciate the lack of judgement and that you all gave your time so freely. MN may be a "nest of vipers" at times, but it's also a brilliant resource in times of difficulty.

I'm confused really. I don't see that the job you do was relevent to your "problem". That seemed to revolve more around the age old issues that come up when one partner feels they put more into a household than another.

I do find it odd that the whole thread was supposed to be about working out your issues with your husband but that kind of paled into insignificance didn't it?

And i don't know that you needed to start a thread on the ins and outs (scuse pun) of the sex industry either. I didn't see anyone clamouring for lots of details. Bit of mild curiosity perhaps.

What really puts me off offering any sort of advise is the fact that you have specifically named a poster in the op to your other thread in a manner that seems to goad a response, much the same as you were specifically inviting SGB to respond to this thread.
If you wanted specific advice from a particular poster you could have catted her, this all seems to be a bit of a "look at me" thread more than a genuine plea for help if you see what i mean.