Long, very long - and involves prostitution, so please don't read if you're offended

[OFFS]

If you have some sort of "issues" round about sex work, please don't bother replying. I'm as human as you and I'm not interested in your (probably uninformed) vitriol.

I'm namechanging for this post for obvious reasons. I'm an occasional/sporadic poster, and have been hailed as a caring friend on other threads in another name. I am actually a nice person. MNHQ have access to my email address, which is my working name@my working website address, so please keep your shouts of "Troll" to yourselves. I'm posting in the middle of the night because I don't think I'll sleep otherwise. I'll probably go to bed once I hit "Create Conversation", so sorry if I don't respond right away.

So. Several years ago, my DH was headhunted: double the salary he'd been earning, and all sorts of additional benefits. We had to move across country, and we took on a big mortgage. He then got laid off, we both desperately tried to get other work, but all that we could find simply wasn't enough to cover the bills. I suggested that I become an escort/prostitute - not DH, but he agreed. As I pointed out to him at the time, he had no interest in my work when it was dull, boring, routine stuff, no need for him to know the details once I became a whore. (Yes, I'm getting the pejoratives out of the way myself.)

As it turned out, I'd left it too late to save the house, but we sold at the price we'd bought and moved into rented. That's been fine - our landlord is not BTL and our tenancy is secure.

I would point out that I'm what's known as an "Independent" - I don't work the streets, or hotel bars, I don't work in a brothel or for an agency, I don't have any variety of pimp. I have a website and get my business through that. I have never had a violent client. HM Customs and Revenue are the only people who get a cut of my earnings, which is how it should be. For those who don't know, my work is entirely legal, and my clients aren't breaking any laws either.

For the first while, I was earning good money and DH didn't work (we have DCs, he became SAHD, and as I was SAHM when the DCs were very little, that was fine) - then I became resentful that the whole responsibilty for paying for everything was falling on me. Even when I was a SAHM, other than the first 18 months with DS1 and PND, I was earning, through shitty part-time jobs in the evenings and at weekends; he had three years doing fuck-all.

My resentment - I'll be honest - took the form of witholding sex. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but when I was SAHM I felt that it was important that I pleased him sexually, and expected the same from him when he was SAHD. What actually happened was that I couldn't be bothered/felt I didn't have to please him while I was the main earner, and he didn't step up to the plate. The result was/is that we have had rather dull, routine sex for years now. It's complicated by the fact that I am a sex worker - I don't feel comfortable "behaving like a whore" with my DH. (And I'm actually pretty vanilla as a hooker - some of you have more varied and interesting sex lives with your DH/DPs than I do with my DH or clients.)

After I bitched made my point, he did find work. It's not highly-paid and has irregular hours, but it helps. He's great at sharing domestic tasks and I have absolutely no complaints in that field.

Over the past few months, however, I have realised that I'd like a better sex life with my DH. It's not that we've become distant or anything - we still love each other, support each other, he's been brilliant domestically and so on, and we never fight - but sex has been rather dull for years and I wanted to rectify that. It's a gradual process, because I don't want him to think, "She's a whore", but I've been working on it (and he's been duly appreciative, though still not taking any sort of initiative.)

Because of my work, I've always deleted all of my internet histories, run crapcleaner after every online session and so on - I tell the DCs it's to avoid viruses, spyware etc (and we probably have the cleanest PC in the country lol!) but really it's because I don't want then to know the truth. My DH does the same, in the interests of privacy. (Oh come on, no-one wants to know that their dad looks at porn, and our DC are adults!)

We use Firefox as a browser rather than IE.

So, that's the back story. Now the news.

Every now and then, the PC crashes and needs a restart. I don't know about IE, but in such a case Firefox - if you haven't cleared everything - offers a "You closed unexpectedly, would you like to restart last session" or "start new session" option when the PC is back up and running and you fire up Firefox. Usually I hit "start new session" out of respect for privacy (highly prized in our household, and generally repected) but today, out of curiosity, and not expecting anything but porn, I hit "restart". My DH was out at the time, as were the DC. My DH was the last person to use the PC.

I know he looks at porn, and that doesn't bother me; we joke about it. I even thought I knew his favourite sites.

What I wasn't expecting was to find myself logged in to a yahoo account about which I knew nothing. What I further wasn't expecting was that he has memberships on all sorts of adult-dating, cheating, no-strings-attached sex sites. Not paid ones, mind.

Oh, yes, I looked at them all - I don't have the password to the yahoo account, but the yahoo account gave me passwords and usernames to many different accounts on diferent websites, so I figured I'd best use them while I could. And I did.

From quite comprehensive searching (I logged into every account I could find on all of the different sites) it seems he hasn't actually met anyone; there was one email from last summer where he said he was interested in uncomplicated shagging but nothing further seems to have happened. He's still got active accounts on different sites, some of which he accessed yesterday, but he hasn't responded to various winks, nudges or whatever. He hasn't filled out any profiles.

So I don't think he's been unfaithful, and I don't think he's likely to be, especially as I have been making more of an effort lately. (Well, he wasn't.)

So, do I say, "Darling, you did't clear your histories and I found...." or do I let it go, and make more of an effort to interest him sexually at home, or do we have a very uncomfortable conversation?

I would particularly appreciate SGB's input on this one.

And I've previewed this post, and spotted all my typos and really can't be arsed sorting them. |But to anticipate those who will say I've been unfaithful to him - he always knew what I was doing. I knew nothing about this.

OFFS, I hope you don't mind my curiosity, but what do your kids think you do for a living?

If your husband hasn't worked until recently, I'm assuming your honesty about your profession does not extend to your kids?

It isn't the kids' business. ANy more than the details of their parents' sex life is the kids business.
I also can see where prettyfly is coming from OFFS, but like I said, I think both you and your DH have a lot of underlying resentment of each other - you feel he is useless and lazy, he feels that you are having a whale of a time and not interested in his wellbeing. I think there may be a fair bit of truth on both sides.
I hope you can sort it out (though TBH in many ways I think actually the most viable option would be for you to agree that he can have no-strings sex outside the relationship as long as he is careful about it.) But both of you are going to have to make concessions here, I think.

I agree with the 'hidden resentment' theory. Even though it is a job, you have technically had sex with another man. This might have lowered his threshold towards doing the same, but it doesn't seem to have gone that far yet.

I think the underlying issue is valuing him. For the sake of the relationship, you might have to give up your work to give it a chance. How would you feel about that?

Don't you think it's all just a bit fucked up? Why don't you both seek some therapy. No 'vitriol' (honest) but you know this is all a bit tawdry and...well, sad.

Dittany: well it doesn;t sound like a fantasy to me, because I know sex workers at the top end of the business who do enjoy the job.

Yes Dittany: sex work is often not freely chosen, not well paid and not enjoyable. But in some cases it can be. ANd the OP rang true because it reminded me of people I actually know and socialise with (though FWIW I don't think the OP is anyone I know as none of the successful-and-willing sex workers of my acquaintance have teenage DC - and if a friend of mine were having marital difficulties along these lines she would phone me up and ask me for my advice if she wanted it).
Also FWIW sex workers at the top end of the market can and do refuse clients they find unattractive (or obnoxious).

probably my only coherent thought on th ematter is that i think there is hope..i def think there is hope

i am far FAR FAAAR from an expert in these matters but i do know that good relationship therapists who specialise in the sexual dynamics do amazing work...starting with identifying what's really going on...sometimes a real surprise.

(like you didnt know?)

very best wishes

"It isn't the kids' business. ANy more than the details of their parents' sex life is the kids business."

Yeah it really is. If my mum bought me a car with the proceedings from selling her ass, I'd want to know. If only so I could tell her that buying me a car is just not that important!

OP sounds like her priorities are all fucked up, and I can't imagine that this secret will be kept forever. One day her boys will find out their mum was a prostitute, and on that day they will develop lots of big hairy issues about women.

So, she enjoys her work? I enjoy my work.. lots of woman enjoy their work...

She did what she had to do to get her family out of shit at the time..it may not be what a lot of woman would do but it worked for them.

I 'know' someone who did the same, it didn't colour my view of her, it made me see how determined she was to keep her family together & keep a roof over their heads.

I am another who thinks you should have a chat with your DH. I don't think I would mention the accounts, just ask him if he's still OK with what you're doing. If now surely this will give him an opportunity to bring up whatever issues he may have?

On these days you go out with clients, where do you end up? You say you don't go to hotels etc... Do you think DH mau have seen you out somewhere & got a little jealous? I also think that when he joined these sites he may have been checking up to see if you had joined?

I wish you luck whatever way it turns out. If it does surface that DH wants you to give up your job, would you be willing to do so?

OP how brave are you for posting at all! have you thought of the possibilty that your DH is reserching on these sites, with a look too helping your finances? could he have adopted the same attitude as you as in do your all to help the situation even if it means working as an escort himself?... i just think that after 8 years, your DH must have worked through the thoughts about your job long ago.

Don't know whether your Dc are Ds or DD. If they are DS, what happens if ever they find your website and book their own mother without being aware it's you? Esp. If they do it via an e-mail account you are unaware of?

FWIW, I tend to agree with prettyfly1. I think your DH is finding it difficult to accept that you will sleep with men for money and yet withold sex from him as a punishment. It must feel like you are charging him for sex, albeit in a different 'currency', just as you do your clients!

I have to say no amount of debt would make me lie under any man. I ould rather starve than put a strangers cheesy knob in my mouth or fanjo for a wad of cash.

Really feel for your husband and I think he may have lost all rspect for you.

not helpful Irisheyes, and your language verges on the abusive

Wnat Mrs Mattie said.

I can imagine it's easy to used to the easy money and it is easy money if you're enjoying it the way you do.

He could be resenting your job but maybe the lifestyle aspect of it rather than the sex. I think if he had hang-ups about your actual work then he'd be flirting with visiting a WG himself. Instead he also seems to be seeking out the 'first date thrill'.

I think you should bring up the account. Tell him you respect his privacy and came across it all accidently. Talk about where you go from here. I think if you are to move forward in a positive way you need to get everything out in the open. Otherwise there's a risk of you blowing up about the accounts during some future argument.

Good luck.

Irisheyes: well, no one is forcing you to do so. No one is asking you to do so. So you needn't lose any sleep over it.

Well, I'm back - sorry I was away so long, I went to visit a housebound friend on Friday night and was too exhausted to come back on here afterwards, and had a day out with some other WGs yesterday. Some of us have a pretty excellent support-system going.

Some disjointed thoughts: sorry you don't all get a name-check!

MrsTittleMouse, I realised after I went offline that I had misunderstood your comment, and I apologise. Yes, while I was earning less, I felt I had a duty to "keep my man interested" and made most of the sexual overtures. He never seemed to object. When I became the sole wage earner, I did expect him to take more control in that area, but I suppose I really ought to have mentioned it to him.

I do think much of the mundaneness of our marital sex is down to the fact we've been together for so long, and had already decided a couple of months ago that it was an issue I should address (since he clearly wasn't going to). So, I've already been making more of an effort with him, and we've been having more fun - this relationship can and will be rescued.

There's a very interesting story in the Sunday Times magazine today about women and desire. One of the points made is that for women to feel sexy, we have to feel desired, and although DH didn't make advances because he thought I might not be keen after "work" I interpreted this as him not desiring me. Being paid for sex is a turn-on - what clearer evidence of being desired?

I have given all of your comments a great deal of thought since I was last here, and I'm very grateful for your input. It's true that for the first three years, when he didn't work and didn't even seek work, I lost some respect for him. However, we discussed that, he now works (albeit not in a well-paid job) and does lots domestically so that's no longer an issue. The job he lost was not a dream job btw - he went for it because it was a doubling of his pay, but once he had it he really wasn't happy in it. The job required a much more pro-active, dynamic type, and he's just too laidback for that. He's now happy with the work he does. I don't think he's useless or lazy - well, maybe a bit of the latter, but, realistically, no more than I.

"By KerryMumbles Sat 28-Feb-09 14:11:30 Am I the only one who is DYING to know who op is?"

Lol, you almost certainly wouldn't recognise my name anyway. And yes, I'm hoping to take up a training course in a couple of months time which will enable me to wind down the prostitution and move on, but it won't be an overnight event.

lilacclaire yes, I think that's been part of it, and cetainly part of what we need to address together.

Do my children know? No. It's none of their business, dizietsma, and if they do find out I'll sit down and talk with them. Other WGs have been outed to their DC in the past and it's not pretty (it's pretty fucking vindictive where it's been done deliberately) but can be dealt with.

Irisheyes78, my clients are all lovely and fresh from the shower, cheesy knobs don't feature.

drlove8 We talked in the past about his becoming a male escort, but the sad truth is that unless a man is willing to service men, (and he most certainly is not) there's not a great deal of demand, particularly not for an older man.

sayithowitis There's no chance I'd accept a booking from anyone under 35.

And dittany, dear, sweet dittany, you do like to deny sex-workers a voice, don't you? You couldn't believe PinkTulips had been happy as a lapdancer either. I know you can and probably will trek out all your "facts" and figures about how terrible the industry is for everyone in it, and I know that for some - maybe even most - it's not such a great life. But that doesn't make me a man, nor does it make me a fantasist. As I said in my OP, MNHQ can see the email address attached to this account, and it's my working name @ my working website - ask them if they think I'm a man?

I know it doesn't suit your worldview, but I did choose to go into this with what I thought was my eyes open - and it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it might be. I've never had an abusive client and have walked out on two - one because he leapt on me the second I got to his hotel room and it rather scared me, and the other because he was a total dickhead. Another I refused to see again because he's a Tory patronising fuckwit.

I choose which clients to see and which to avoid. There are lists of dodgy clients out there in internet land, accessible to WGs who need the information. We WGs talk to each other (much to the shock of some tossers ) and there's an incredible amount of support (as well as bitchiness, of course - we're women as well as whores) available amongst us. Just today I heard of a WG who had an accident while working out of the country - three others have arranged for her repatriation and will nurse her until she has fully recovered. Have you seen the SAAFE website, at all?

As for finding my clients attractive - yes, some I do find very attractive, and not just for the size of their wallets. Others are not so physically appealing but we get on and "click" on a mental level, and, well, I can always close my eyes. There are many, many worse jobs.

So... I think that's it. Thanks again for all of your input. I'll wander round a few other threads (must remember to change my nic back!) and then go sedfuce my DH.

Dittany: the sort of high-end sex work the OP describes routinely involves the choice to decline a customer who is unappealing or unpleasant. For successful high-end sex workers, and some other people, sex with someone you don't know very well is not horrible: at worst it's OK, at best it's quite enjoyable.

SEDUCE my DH lol!

Only read the first post.

Not sure why your job is relevant.

I think you need to talk to him about the sites he is using. It may be an uncomfortable conversation but he's potentially cheating and if it were me I would want to have that conversation with him.

just read the rest of it. I'm off as I know you really don't want shouts of 'troll'.

My original advice still stands.

Now you see, SGB, that's why I really wanted your input. You actually understand what I'm talking about.

blows kisses