Long, very long - and involves prostitution, so please don't read if you're offended

[OFFS]

If you have some sort of "issues" round about sex work, please don't bother replying. I'm as human as you and I'm not interested in your (probably uninformed) vitriol.

I'm namechanging for this post for obvious reasons. I'm an occasional/sporadic poster, and have been hailed as a caring friend on other threads in another name. I am actually a nice person. MNHQ have access to my email address, which is my working name@my working website address, so please keep your shouts of "Troll" to yourselves. I'm posting in the middle of the night because I don't think I'll sleep otherwise. I'll probably go to bed once I hit "Create Conversation", so sorry if I don't respond right away.

So. Several years ago, my DH was headhunted: double the salary he'd been earning, and all sorts of additional benefits. We had to move across country, and we took on a big mortgage. He then got laid off, we both desperately tried to get other work, but all that we could find simply wasn't enough to cover the bills. I suggested that I become an escort/prostitute - not DH, but he agreed. As I pointed out to him at the time, he had no interest in my work when it was dull, boring, routine stuff, no need for him to know the details once I became a whore. (Yes, I'm getting the pejoratives out of the way myself.)

As it turned out, I'd left it too late to save the house, but we sold at the price we'd bought and moved into rented. That's been fine - our landlord is not BTL and our tenancy is secure.

I would point out that I'm what's known as an "Independent" - I don't work the streets, or hotel bars, I don't work in a brothel or for an agency, I don't have any variety of pimp. I have a website and get my business through that. I have never had a violent client. HM Customs and Revenue are the only people who get a cut of my earnings, which is how it should be. For those who don't know, my work is entirely legal, and my clients aren't breaking any laws either.

For the first while, I was earning good money and DH didn't work (we have DCs, he became SAHD, and as I was SAHM when the DCs were very little, that was fine) - then I became resentful that the whole responsibilty for paying for everything was falling on me. Even when I was a SAHM, other than the first 18 months with DS1 and PND, I was earning, through shitty part-time jobs in the evenings and at weekends; he had three years doing fuck-all.

My resentment - I'll be honest - took the form of witholding sex. I know this will sound odd to many of you, but when I was SAHM I felt that it was important that I pleased him sexually, and expected the same from him when he was SAHD. What actually happened was that I couldn't be bothered/felt I didn't have to please him while I was the main earner, and he didn't step up to the plate. The result was/is that we have had rather dull, routine sex for years now. It's complicated by the fact that I am a sex worker - I don't feel comfortable "behaving like a whore" with my DH. (And I'm actually pretty vanilla as a hooker - some of you have more varied and interesting sex lives with your DH/DPs than I do with my DH or clients.)

After I bitched made my point, he did find work. It's not highly-paid and has irregular hours, but it helps. He's great at sharing domestic tasks and I have absolutely no complaints in that field.

Over the past few months, however, I have realised that I'd like a better sex life with my DH. It's not that we've become distant or anything - we still love each other, support each other, he's been brilliant domestically and so on, and we never fight - but sex has been rather dull for years and I wanted to rectify that. It's a gradual process, because I don't want him to think, "She's a whore", but I've been working on it (and he's been duly appreciative, though still not taking any sort of initiative.)

Because of my work, I've always deleted all of my internet histories, run crapcleaner after every online session and so on - I tell the DCs it's to avoid viruses, spyware etc (and we probably have the cleanest PC in the country lol!) but really it's because I don't want then to know the truth. My DH does the same, in the interests of privacy. (Oh come on, no-one wants to know that their dad looks at porn, and our DC are adults!)

We use Firefox as a browser rather than IE.

So, that's the back story. Now the news.

Every now and then, the PC crashes and needs a restart. I don't know about IE, but in such a case Firefox - if you haven't cleared everything - offers a "You closed unexpectedly, would you like to restart last session" or "start new session" option when the PC is back up and running and you fire up Firefox. Usually I hit "start new session" out of respect for privacy (highly prized in our household, and generally repected) but today, out of curiosity, and not expecting anything but porn, I hit "restart". My DH was out at the time, as were the DC. My DH was the last person to use the PC.

I know he looks at porn, and that doesn't bother me; we joke about it. I even thought I knew his favourite sites.

What I wasn't expecting was to find myself logged in to a yahoo account about which I knew nothing. What I further wasn't expecting was that he has memberships on all sorts of adult-dating, cheating, no-strings-attached sex sites. Not paid ones, mind.

Oh, yes, I looked at them all - I don't have the password to the yahoo account, but the yahoo account gave me passwords and usernames to many different accounts on diferent websites, so I figured I'd best use them while I could. And I did.

From quite comprehensive searching (I logged into every account I could find on all of the different sites) it seems he hasn't actually met anyone; there was one email from last summer where he said he was interested in uncomplicated shagging but nothing further seems to have happened. He's still got active accounts on different sites, some of which he accessed yesterday, but he hasn't responded to various winks, nudges or whatever. He hasn't filled out any profiles.

So I don't think he's been unfaithful, and I don't think he's likely to be, especially as I have been making more of an effort lately. (Well, he wasn't.)

So, do I say, "Darling, you did't clear your histories and I found...." or do I let it go, and make more of an effort to interest him sexually at home, or do we have a very uncomfortable conversation?

I would particularly appreciate SGB's input on this one.

And I've previewed this post, and spotted all my typos and really can't be arsed sorting them. |But to anticipate those who will say I've been unfaithful to him - he always knew what I was doing. I knew nothing about this.

You aren't being unfaithful to him as I see it. And surely he must see it that was after all this time without complaint.

I agree about having a talk with him.

I can imagine he would be rather resentfull of strangers getting to have sex with his wife and not him.

Maybe he was seeking the thrill of dirty talk over the net?

tbh i don't know what to suggest as you really do need to talk to him, however uncomfortable

Aargh, you're all replying too quickly! Sorry I can't respond to you all individually now, it's taking too long.

The difference between sex at work and sex at home is that the former is actually kind of more fun. . It's like the start of a new relationship every time - we talk, laugh, have a glass of wine before getting down and dirty, and often I'm wined and dined in lovely hotels, or taken away for the day. I've been go-karting, sight-seeing, to the theatre with clients - all sorts of stuff DH and I haven't done in years. With regular clients, we have long conversations about all sorts of things and they actually listen, in a way that long-term marrieds tend not to (or at any rate, DH and I don't).

(Yes, I think we need to do more of that stuff, get to know each other again instead of taking each other for granted, and writing it down here has helped me see that.)

As SGB says, it's what's called the GFE (GirlFriend Experience) and yes, it's fun. I always use condoms with clients but not with DH, I guess that's the main difference. Not much, is it? Thanks for the book references, SGB, I'll have a look. I did wonder if it would be "fair" if I "allowed" him to have no-strings sex with others, but when I thought about it more I really don't want him to. I realise that may be two-faced of me, but it's how I feel.

Sex at home is more routine. We know how to please each other but it's usually a late at night quickie, or the same in the morning - it's difficult to be spontaneous because we really don't know when the DCs are going to wander in, but I realise that's an excuse.

Oh dear. It sounds as though you really wouldn't want to give up this job even if you had the choice - and I'm sure your dh must have picked up on this too.

tbh, I'm sorry, but I really feel for your dh now. How can he compete?

When I was reading the OP I was thinking about how I'd feel in the SAHD position - being a SAHM myself. If I found out that DH felt that the onus was on me as the SAH partner to please him sexually as he brought in the money then I would be really pissed off. And if he witheld sex as a punishment then I would seriously question our relationship.

I think that you need to have a serious talk about your relationship anyway, not just because of your discovery. Could you start by admitting how you feel about your sex life and suggest things that you think could make it better and then open the floor to him?

Rhubarb, if he was feeling insecure because he'd lost his job, he could have done something about it rather than sit on his arse for three years, till I got stressed and insisted he find work. He doesn't seem to have his ego invested in what he does - he's not an ambitious man at all. Which is fine, because he's loving and caring and money isn't everything, but it does mean I have to keep working just to pay the bills. His salary this month will cover the rent and put £50 a week towards the shopping, but there's an enormous electricity bill outstanding, we had to order heating oil and we're running out of coal. The house we rent is cheap, but it's big and draughty too.

The Dcs are at University and College - DC1 also works part-time but needs to use his money to keep his car on the road, pay his day to day expenses and so on, and charging him rent isn't feasible. DC2 is looking for work but it's a difficult time, particularly when he has no experience.

I think this is actually more complicated, in some ways, than just the fact that you are a WG - I think there are actually a fair few unspoken resentments on both sides which are more to do with gender roles and expectations than your work. As Rhubarb says, it's possible that he feels a bit of a failure and that has made him wish to 'punish' you in some way - I wonder if you also feel, to some extent, that he is a bit of a failure.
Counselling might help, but you will need to look for a specialised counsellor: the standard ones will simply blame everything on the sex work - and on you for enjoying it.
I am not 100% sure where you would find such a counsellor, but the IUSW or the ECP might be able to help - or you could get in touch with the Leydig Trust.

Rhubarb (again lol! Thanks for your continued input) I do want to give up this work - but we can't afford it. He doesn't have to compete - I might be out having fun with clients but the long-term love and support DH provides is much more important.

MrsTittleMouse, it's not DH who felt the onus was on me, it was me. I know it's weird and probably old-fashioned, but it's just how I felt.

But look at it this way OFFS:

He got laid off the job of his dreams - what a blow to his confidence that must have been. You say he desperately searched for other work, it must have been a nightmare for you both! Then YOU suggested that you start work as a 'Working Girl'.

You withheld sex from him when you felt he wasn't doing enough to get a decent job and you described your sex life as dull.

All of these are pretty hefty blows to a man who is probably already feeling pretty depressed.

You enjoy your job, you enjoy being treated like a date, you get well-paid for it. Whereas he's had to take on a job that he's no doubt over-qualified for.

I'm sorry, but this man is very unhappy and I do think you need to spend a little time in his shoes.

SGB thanks again. DC1 has just come back and needs the computer for a while, so I'll have to leave just now, but I will be back.

Thanks all for your help, and for not judging me.

Best of luck. Open that wine up, send the kids packing, talk to him. Be prepared to listen and to listen to things you might not want to hear. It's important he feels he is being taken seriously. Look at what changes you can make, both of you. So if he has a problem with your job, you can offer to reduce your clients even more so long as he puts in more of an effort to find work.

Don't use sex as a weapon - it's disasterous, tell him instead how much you love him, need him, respect him. Try to make time for each other once a week. Get the kids to agree to leave you alone one night a week so that you can watch a DVD/go for a meal/to the pub/cinema etc. Your teens could also do more to help, I had to pay rent as soon as I had a job, regardless of what else I needed to pay for. It might teach your kids the value of money and when they move out they'll need to pay rent won't they? They could at least contribute to your bills.

Best of luck.

I don't think you are 'being unfaithful' to your DH by the work you do, and think that for your DH to enter into a sexual relationship for fun, and for his benefit alone (given that your working sex is for the benefit of the family) then it doesn't balance anything out.

I can see that the fantasy element of work - you can re-invent yourself in each session - keeps it interesting...it's quite possible (ask any number of MN-ers) that your home sex life would be exactly as it is now had you not taken up sex as an income.

I'm not even sure the problem is wholly rooted in your job, but in the cycle of a marriage and partnership. Could you save enough to take a holiday from your job (everyone needs time off sometimes!) , spend some time talking to your DH about the whole of your relationship, what you both want, enjoying some time away from the humdrum teenager-ridden environment and make a 2 year plan to get your lives 9both of you) the way you would like them to be.

And (again, ask any Mner!) lots of couples actually make an effort to recreate the full GFE as a way of rejuvenating thier kives - a little fantasy away from real life.

As for his internet use...so many looks, searches, and unfollowed up...maybe he is looking for you. Maybe he fantasises about finding and meeting you in a different context. or maybe he just wants to know more about your world but feels he can't ask...or that it would breach some damn in your agreement to ask. Who knows. You need to talk.

OFFS - didn't you say that you put the pressure on yourself when you were SAH, and then assumed that your DH would do the same when he was the SAH parent? So you assumed that as you brought in the money that your DH would want to please you sexually?

I agree that this is probably less to do with your work
and much more related to the life cycle of matrimonial bonking.

The main issue is that you are not happy in bed.
And now you know that neither is he which in some ways is good news -
there is no doubt that you both feel the same way!

So address it and soon. Have a chat.

I am not sure I would start the conversation by mentioning the secret account, though.

I agree with the others who have said what he is doing is a different kettle of fish, as it was hidden from you, and you do need to talk to him about it.

Can i ask if this has changed the way you feel about your work, i.e you are feeling how the wives or gf's of your clients probably would if they found out what their partner was doing?

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, i hope you are able to work through it with your h.

Good luck

I haven't read all the posts, so please excuse any repetition.

I think you have to separate out a marriage problem from your line of work. Although in your eyes you might see a connection, it's a tenuous one at best.

He perhaps feels shut out of your marriage- in the way that you do- you have said that the sex with him isn't that great- so this is his way of getting his thrills.

I CAN see that he possibly feels he has to hide what he does because he feels that what you do is not really totally acceptable to most people- maybe even him, deep down- and he feels possibly that internet porn/dating which he is getting involved in is a bit sleazy as well.

Put your work to one side and discuss your marriage with him in the broadest terms- not just the sex.

OFFS, I haven't read all the posts either but here's my twopence worth.

(theory 1) Do you think that deep down your job may be affecting him and he thinks he doesn't measure up anymore or (theory 2) does he think you can't be bothered making an effort sexually? or (theory 3) I don't know what im talking about .....

Is there a chance he could be resentful of the lifestyle that comes with your job as well as the issue of sex - theatre, lovely meals out, having someone pay you lots of attention? Could he be looking for the same? How much time do you spend alone together - perhaps you need to make time to go out for meals or nights out with your dh as well as your clients.

You do need to talk to him, we can only second guess what's going on inside his head whereas hopefully he will tell you himself if asked. You then know where to start (or come back here and we'll tell you!).

Sorry, theory 2 should add because of your work, its maybe making sex an issue between you when it shouldn't be, ie your afraid to let go in case he thinks thats what you do with a client, or he's scared to ask you to experiment, in case he makes you feel like he's a client, iykwim.

He probably just joined them so he could look at the pictures

Ok, I know you have asked repeatedly for people who want to flame you to do one - but you have asked for some opinions so please dont take this the wrong way.

You both needed to do something for your family to stay afloat. Whilst I have to be honest I raise my eyebrows at prostitution it is entirely your decision so fair play for that. Since then you have apparently found a job you love and enjoy. Your partner does not. You have sex with other people who may pay you but you have made no bones that you get a great deal of enjoyment out of it. Your partner does not. The boundaries of intimacy have been removed for you. Sex means something different to you now to what it did 8 years ago. For your partner it probably does too. He now sleeps with a professional sex worker. You do not.

I dont want you to get angry but this mans masculinity has to be hitting the floor. No job he can respect, his wife had to turn to prostitution and wouldnt even sleep with him unless he demonstrated the willingness to earn it (sorry but that is true as well - you stopped sleeping with him when you felt he wasnt trying hard enough to get a job) and he probably feels like sxxxt.

The sad thing is I actually think you do still care for him. But you want something that I fail to see how you are going to have. You want to be wined and dined, flown abroad, romanced and paid for it and you want the security and safety of your home life. Surely you have to be able to see that even the strongest male ego would be taking a beating after that. I genuinly think it is time you looked at what was more important, your work or man and chose.

I think she may have a point there. Hope your talk went well, but I do think you need to do a little soul-searching yourself on this one.