Is my husband cheating AGAIN?? Help!

[juliaruralwife]

I would love some advice on what to do with myself and my life! I feel trapped and alone...

My DH has had 2 affairs over the years - which have totally destroyed my trust and turned me into a snooping doubter. We worked through these affairs and moved on - and out of London to a very rural life. He now works in London and I am on my own in stupid big house during the week (kids at school).

However latest issue arrived on Valentines. He had to go to a work thing and couldn't make it back til Sunday. I had said I didn't mind him missing Feb 14th - but never said lets ignore it totally! So on evening of 14th he didn't call and said he had fallen asleep. He came back on Sunday empty handed and hungover.

So alarm bells start ringing and when he came home I had a look through his bag. (Last year I found a filthy Valentine from some bint from his office - counselling and reconcillation followed that episode). And I found some pills called Cialis. Anyone heard of these? They are like Viagra but not immediate - you take them in the morning and guarantee a no problem hard on later apparently.

So I confronted him with them and he said they were for a friend. Comical really! i obviously told him I ddn't beleive a word and the only way I might beleive him was for him to hand over the tightly guarded blackberry so I could check for texts emails (it was clean but he has learnt by now having been caught out before this way).

Of course I think he may have been with someone else on the evening of Feb 14th.

I asked him to swear on our childrens lives that he had never taken one and he told me had taken one - on his own! Why?? He then changed his story and said that he had got them for us. That he had been worried about our sex life (?what sex life?) as he comes to soon, doesn't make me come and that he worries about hurting me. (I have an unfortunate cyst which occasionally flares up but hasn't been a problem for years)

Blimey this is getting personal!

Anyway his gist was that I should be grateful that he was concerned enough to go to the Dr and do something about our sex life. However when he is at home he slumps into bed, tells me life is shit and promptly falls asleep. I would be totally up for some action but he never appears to be - he never makes a move anyway.

What am I to make of all this? I dont really trust him.

I am lonely, unemployed (been a full time Mum for last 10 years and so am financially dependant) and feel my life is wasting away keeping house (badly according to him) for a man who has no respect for me, is constantly critcal.

I know lots of you will say - get off your arse and get a life/job etc. But I dont know where to begin... HELP!!

I know so many men who cheat (and women), have a friend choosing between his lover and wife at the moment and another one divorcing whose wife got fed up after years, probably decades of cheating and the latest girl friend was the last straw.

I think in general with these people if they admit to one thing like a kiss you can usually assume it's 2 women over 4 years with full sex. In other words they admit about 0.1% of what really went on.

Any man who moves his wife to the coutnry and stays in London who has a history of adultery is playing away regularly, probably every week, every other night he's away. Now plenty of women can live with that because they lke the money and love the man and that's an option not to be discounted. I don't think I'd tolerate it but I work full time and keep myself. I don't think long term it makes these women who tolerate adultery or turn a blind eye to it, very happy.

You need to move into London again with the chidlren and be with him every nigth and have lots of regular sex and not give him one iota of opportunity to play around. As long as you live apart like this he will be at it all the time because he can get away with it.

All I can say is I divorecd not long after 40 afer 19 years. I thought it would be dreadful and the children and I are much much better off. There was no cheating it was just his conduct to us was intolerable and it is much much better on my own, nothing like as bad as I thought it would be and yet I delayed and put off doing it for years.

I posted nearly 4 months ago and it has been really interesting to go back and read the thread.

I am still here and cant quite beleive that I am still here. Still being told I'm a stupid cow, useless, unloving, unaffectionate, inefficient etc etc

I am back on here to help firm my resolve that I have to finally get out of my marriage. I should have left after the first affair dragged on for nearly 2 years. How dumb am I??

But I am so scared to be out there on my own - not having worked for over 10 years it's scary!I have started volunteering - just following on from suggestions in the thread from Feb - and I am enjoying it loads. Am still so bogged down with looking after the house etc.

Sorry - am rambling.

I just want to know that I am not going mad and that leaving him is the best thing for me and the kids. My eldest DS told me I should divorce him last weekend - he thinks his Dad is a git. My younger DS asked me if I regretted marrying someone who is so shouty.

If the children have noticed and are saying things like that then it is time to run to the hills, for the sake of the sanity of all of you. You will be doing the best by the 3 of you and the boys will have more respect for you in the long term. Seems they already think their dad is a shit and want out - all they need is your help.

Your husband sounds and always sounded awful - he has destroyed your confidence and shows no remorse. Let his tarts have him and I hope their demand for hotels and meals bleed the bugger dry!

hello julia, yes it is interesting to see some posts from a while ago

you do sound like you are branching out a little re. the voluntary work etc

re. looking after the house, could you tap dh for a cleaner to allow you to spend more time away from the home eg. to look around for a PT job

alternatively, sod the housework and do it anyway

your tone sounds stronger and more focussed. It must be so difficult to contemplate branching out on your own after so long, but really, what are you getting out of your marriage? Even your kids are wondering why you are still in it.

you deserve better than being belittled and abused in this way

what do you want to do at this moment in time?

I remeber your posts.
Go and read fadingaway/boilerwomans threads. The advice will be the same for you i am sure.

You dont have to put up with this you know - it will be hard but surely anything will be better than living your half-life.

you know he will be angry and want to twist it all to be your fault, but stay strong and do what you (and now your children) know is the right thing. you deserve that.

Nice to hear some friendly advice again - thanks!

Had a massive row last night over the phone - those little sex pills keep turning up and I have now found out that he has been getting prescrptions for them for 2 years. Co-incidentely co-inciding with the commencement of his 2nd affair.

He told me last night that he got them because I have this cyst and that he finds this and therefore me a complete turn off, that he doesn't want to touch me and that I am no longer "hot". Not trying to blow my own trumpet but I'm not an ugly woman. Or fat. And the cyst has not been a problem for long long time - he just doesn't beleive me when I tell him it is fine. He just holds this horrible image of god knows what in his head. Anyway I went to bed convinced that our marriage was over.

This morning he calls all contrite and sorry for all the things he said. Wants to make it all better. What's that saying - never a truer word spoken in anger? Actually it may be in jest but the sentiment is the same...

There are only so many sticking plasters you can put on a wound before the whole thing falls off...

oh julia - i wish i could send you some strength.
Being in a marriage should make you feel good and want to please the other person, not having to think about everything in such detail.

His past affairs are obviously sitll impacting on you and it seems he does not care. Just because he is over it does not mean you are. Seek some help to get over it - whether you stay or go.

If you want to talk more - you can always cat me or tell me and i will cat you.

Take care.

Thanks HappyWoman. Wish I was one too!

Been thinking this afternoon that if he has to take a pill in order to have sex with me then our relationship must be over. How can I carry on knowing a) that he finds me so undesirable that he has to take a pill to get it up and b) that he has therefore been faking it for the last 2 years and c) that as he is so physically fixated that it is enevitable that in another decade the problem will be even worse and not repairable (unless I go under the knife to maintain a "hot" look - ain't gonna happen) and I will watch him disappear with a younger woman.

Gonna be a rocky weekend!

good luck

You are obviously very capable - as he works away a lot - do you think that much would change really????

I know what you mean about the being fixated on looks - i can honestly say that my own body issues have never been an issue with dh, but it would worry me if i didnt think i could rely on him if my body did start to 'fail' iyswim.

I think you will be fine - he will probably be very angry but it really doesnt sound as if he has really put a huge amount of effort into your relationship so he shouldnt be too surprised.

good luck julia, keep us posted