Is my husband cheating AGAIN?? Help!

[juliaruralwife]

I would love some advice on what to do with myself and my life! I feel trapped and alone...

My DH has had 2 affairs over the years - which have totally destroyed my trust and turned me into a snooping doubter. We worked through these affairs and moved on - and out of London to a very rural life. He now works in London and I am on my own in stupid big house during the week (kids at school).

However latest issue arrived on Valentines. He had to go to a work thing and couldn't make it back til Sunday. I had said I didn't mind him missing Feb 14th - but never said lets ignore it totally! So on evening of 14th he didn't call and said he had fallen asleep. He came back on Sunday empty handed and hungover.

So alarm bells start ringing and when he came home I had a look through his bag. (Last year I found a filthy Valentine from some bint from his office - counselling and reconcillation followed that episode). And I found some pills called Cialis. Anyone heard of these? They are like Viagra but not immediate - you take them in the morning and guarantee a no problem hard on later apparently.

So I confronted him with them and he said they were for a friend. Comical really! i obviously told him I ddn't beleive a word and the only way I might beleive him was for him to hand over the tightly guarded blackberry so I could check for texts emails (it was clean but he has learnt by now having been caught out before this way).

Of course I think he may have been with someone else on the evening of Feb 14th.

I asked him to swear on our childrens lives that he had never taken one and he told me had taken one - on his own! Why?? He then changed his story and said that he had got them for us. That he had been worried about our sex life (?what sex life?) as he comes to soon, doesn't make me come and that he worries about hurting me. (I have an unfortunate cyst which occasionally flares up but hasn't been a problem for years)

Blimey this is getting personal!

Anyway his gist was that I should be grateful that he was concerned enough to go to the Dr and do something about our sex life. However when he is at home he slumps into bed, tells me life is shit and promptly falls asleep. I would be totally up for some action but he never appears to be - he never makes a move anyway.

What am I to make of all this? I dont really trust him.

I am lonely, unemployed (been a full time Mum for last 10 years and so am financially dependant) and feel my life is wasting away keeping house (badly according to him) for a man who has no respect for me, is constantly critcal.

I know lots of you will say - get off your arse and get a life/job etc. But I dont know where to begin... HELP!!

op how did it come about that the doc told you he had prescribed the meds?

Did you phone doc and say "dh says you prescribed these - is that true?"

I am really shocked that the doc told you anyTHING AT ALL.

I hope you can work this out .
Do you love each other?

christ, you're easily scared.

prettyfly sticks her tongue out and blows a very long rasberry at blinks .

Op what are you planning to do now. Do you feel you can confront him with what you know.

I find it very interestng that everyone is so hung up about the Dr.

To answer your question, Jasper, yes that is exactly what I did. I called him said that I had found these pills and h had told me you prescribed them for him, did you? And he said yes I have prescribed them for him. I think he crossed the line when he said that he didn't think I should worry (I told him I didn't think h was using them with me) as he obviously knows nothing of our history. That, for me, was the inappropriate part of his behaviour.

Anyway like I said before that is not my issue. Frankly I dont care whether this Dr is in the right or not. I need to work out whether I am prepared to put myself on the line again to trust an evidently untrustworthy h.

I do love him. But my god he makes it hard! He infuriates me and has a bad temper but he is also selfless when it comes to providing for us and the best company when happy. I would never have stayed if I didnt love him.

However I am not prepared to stay through any more of his deceits.

I shall be confronting him - but wont be til he comes home at the wkend. But experience tells me that it wont do any good. He is as clever at arguing as a barrister and will shut it down. I know that what I need to do is to make my own decision and change my own life to make myself strong enough to feel as if I have choices. Which dont feel I have at the moment.

This has been a very interesting experience listening to you all - helpful and not so helpful (cheers up for the stirring blinks!) Thanks to the rest of you! x

i'm with blinks tbh.

just thought i'd add that as a bystander.

Well, he could have told the doctor anything, couldn't he? Sadly, he's more likely to say 'my wife and I have been having problems' than the more shameful 'I have a randy young mistress I want to impress and am scared my guilt over what I am doing to my frankly rather saintly wife means I won't be able to get it up...' Rural doctors work by a completely different set of rules - why else do teenagers have a fit about going on the pill and having to see their family doctor about it? Having grown up in a small village it sounds very plausible to me. Julia - why don't you try and gather some evidence? Have a google about spyware and all that? Prepare yourself for the worst though and make sure you have a life to go to - do a college course or something to help you meet people and make you more employable.

A very historic ex's mum got divorced from his evil abusive dad, went to work as a secretary at the local flying club and ended up re-married to a millionaire within two years. Lucky cow. So there is hope (even if this example is very extreme!).

You are so right abedelia! Of course he is very adept at lieing and would have said exactly that to the Dr.

Have looked into spy ware but we have separate pcs and his is a work one which is totally impenetrable with passwords all over the place. I've tried. Also I found the 1st affair on his pc and the second on his phone so he has wised up to that.

Love your example - great place to meet millionaires a flying club! Loves it!

Sorry but agree totally with Binks.

I work in GP surgery and this GP had totally crossed the boundry of confidentiality with potentially serious repercussions if reported.

however your DH had had 2 affairs and now this. It would appear you cannot trust him. Once trust has gone it is so difficult to get it back. If you are prepared to live in doubt for the rest of your life-fine but your kids will on time pick up on this.
You and the kids deserve better

julia you sound like you have gained a bit of strength since first posting. That is good.

If you can examine your OWN life, irrespective of him, and make some positive changes , that will increase your happiness and self esteem.
That will have a knock on effect on your marriage and also your ability to face the challenges it currently presents.

good luck.
it is hard to focus and stay strong when you feel beaten down like this

He needs to show you just how much he wants to be in this marriage - and he just isnt at the moment is he?

It sounds as if you are going to start looking for a new life of your own and that is good.

He may be good at providing but is that not just so he can be selfish - you look after his children - feed clothe educate and organise drs dentists trips friends ect - just how much do you think that would cost him if you were not around.
Dont underestermate yourself just because you dont work. Without you he would need lots of help just to look after a house and garden without the family - and if you do have help he would still need someone to sort that out.

Take care

Thnx HappyWoman. you make many good points

Feeling blue today - h is away on more business and is being uncommuncative and grumpy. I deserve better.

you do julia
get out the house and make him sit up and see you as a woman again....

Would you like to find out that he is having another affair so the 'blame' will be on him? I can understand that because otherwise you will be seen as the 'baddie' for breaking up the marriage.

Do trust your instinct though and even if he is innocent he should NEVER EVER from now on put any of the guilt back onto you. So even if you are a bit clingly he should understand that and support you.

However i suspect from reading your posts he is trying to make you feel bad for questioning him (still), and so has the 'excuse' that it is you that is not putting in the effort to trust him again.
'Poor him having to go out to work and yet you still wont trust him and he finds it all so hard'

It really dosent matter whether there is anything going on or not - you are not feeling happy with the way the relationship is going. But that is not your fault - it still takes 2 to make a good relationship.

Hope yo find the strength to do something for you and not waste any more of your energy worring how your actions will impact on him. You do deserve better than this - its not enough for him to just stay faithful he needs to now do more.

Good luck and hope you have a better day today.

I think a big issue here is the fact that he cheated and that he won't let you have access to phone and emails. One of the major conditions of my H being allowed home was giving me access on demand to all of this so I could see for myself he wasn't up to anything anymore (although he is a rubbish liar so I could always tell by the look on his face anyway). I don't check anymore but knowing I can is very important. And yes, you need to get out and do things for yourself. You'll feel a lot better - he isn't the only person who can make you happy, you know - you can do that by yourself!

Yes - knowing you can have access if you want is important and as you say after a while the desire to snoop goes away as you become more confident in believing yourself.

Is only now more than 2 years down the line that i am believing h is here for me - not he dc or the easy life (which it has not been). As i feel more confident in that i dont feel the need to check up as much - but dh is so good now at giving me all the info in advance anyway.

If they still want to go ahead and have an affair they will - by covering their tracks better ect ..... all the snooping and checking will not stop it BUT you have to believe he wants to stop being unfaithful.

It sounds as if you dont believe he really wants to stay with you and has just got better at hiding - but that is your self esteem at a low.

The sad thing is that even if he gave me the passwords to him phone/pc etc I would still be thinking that he has some random hotmail account that i wouldn't know about.

But I think that all your advice on making a life for myself is the BEST. I know that if I get out and do stuff for myself I will feel stronger. I spend such alot of time pulling the bubble around myself to protect myself from the h's ranting that I have cut myself off from life too.

Even this morning I told him about a small paving stone that has broken and it was like I'd told him the chimney had fallen in or something. I just sit quietly and let him rant about it and go lalalala in my head. I spend a stupid amount of time mouthing "wanker" behind his back or down the phone. Sounds so pathetic when I put it down here...

Hi hum - off to the beach with my darling dog to think. Thanks for your continuing support x

No problem - enjoy your walk! By the way, though, random hotmail accounts can be discovered by looking through the browser history. People having affairs are generally behaving in a slightly mad way and don't take as much care as they should...

julia it does not sound silly

none of it does

alot of us put up with an awful lot of stuff in our lives, one day - if we are lucky - something happens that makes us sit up and say 'do you know what -this is shit I dont have to be treated like this'

could be parent- employer- friend or husband

we LET ourselves be treated like it.

It does not have to be like this for you. If you don't want it - get out of it. IME HE will be the one sitting up and begging when you start to pull out on him. He will be the loser.

I am 41 this year and I dont know how old you are Julia but i do know this - 'it aint a dress rehearsal' and you want to enjoy what's left

Think about how much of the last few years you have really enjoyed.

remember Kim Grove and 'love is'?

'Love Is' not needing to check his emails'

I will turn 40 this year Pilli.

You are SO right in what you say - life is way too short to drift along being miserable in varying degrees.

Love is not giving him the finger behind his back or doing a little dance of relief when he leaves for work.

Time to stand up for me and try to find what makes me happy. It's been so long I think I may have forgotten!

Thank you - you have no idea how much strength your kind words give me. x

Weird DR, and cheating H without question.

julia - got a little tingle from your post

feel free to CAT me x

julia it really does help to find what makes you happy - and you may be surprised what some of the things are.

I like to think i make a stranger smile everyday and in my darkest days i would set myself that challenge. It is lovely to think that even for those few moments you have spread a tiny bit of happiness.

I also like to take in nature - but it sounds as if you already do that with your dog walks along the beach.

Hope it does work out and i too think it will be your h that sits up and sees the changes and will want to make you happy.

Good luck

The OP said the doc was a private one not a rural NHS GP..