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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling DP

65 replies

RoastingRooster · 24/02/2009 12:47

I am due to be married in May. I have lived with my partner for a year and I am having serious regrets and worries. I can't go anywhere or do anything without him kicking off. When he gets in from work he questions me about my day. Disguises it as "did you have a nice day" and then pushes and pushed for info "did you go into town for your lunch? that's nice...who did you go with...Sarah, Stacy and John? who's John? Does he work with you? you've never mentioned him before? How old is he? funny how you've never mentioned him. Is he married then? bet he's gay. Sounds like a twat..." etc and then later he'll get really nasty and say stuff like "maybe if you hadn't been fucking around with John all day you would have remembered your prescription" etc.
He texts me constantly and if I don't reply within 10 minutes he phones me. This has gotten me into trouble at work before and I have told him and he says "so its illegal for a bloke to text his girlfriend now?" etc.
I know he checks my phone, goes through my texts and my emails. Searches history on the net. He smashed our last PC when he found a dating site in the history. It was just a pop up that had come up with a different site but he didn't believe me.
At first I used to just not go out because I knew it would cause a massive row. Now if I do go out he literally won't let me.
I feel like a hostage but its all my fault and I know if I break off the wedding everyone is going to laugh at me making yet another mistake. The kids will be upset, god knows how DP would react. I darnt even suggest it to him

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 24/02/2009 12:53

You cant seriously get married to this man on the basis that other people will be amused if you dont. Would they find it funny if they knew what you were going through. Not if they are worth worrying about. SO you made a mistake. If it is this bad now, what do you think will happen when the ring is on your finger. Marriage is supposed to be for life. Is this what you want forever?????????

He is showing all of the classic abuser symptoms and you need to leave, if not for yourself then for your kids.

Hassled · 24/02/2009 12:55

And is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? You sign up for better or for worse - your relationship will only get worse. Abandon the marriage and abandon the relationship. He's not a partner, he's controlling and abusive.

No one will laugh at you for leaving a bully - and your kids will get over it.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 24/02/2009 12:57

COntact WOmen's Aid now. You need to leave this relationship. This man will become violent fairly soon, he is a textbook abuser who thinks of you as an object he can own. Are the children his? If not then they are in danger too, however nice he may be to them at present.
Never mind that people will laugh at you for getting away from him - most of them won't. Most of them will say how glad they are that you have dumped him, and how worried they were about you (obsessive abusers like this are generally pretty obvious to other people). But make plans to leave ASAP: get all your plans in place, and maybe have a friend with you when you actually say to him that you are leaving, because men like this are very likely to become VERY dangerous when you try to leave.

charitygirl · 24/02/2009 13:00

PLEASE don't marry him. What do you mean 'it's all your fault'. No it isn't - this man is not fit to have a relationship with.

Listen to solidgold and get in touch with Women's Aid.

Flightattendant27 · 24/02/2009 13:01

GET

OUT

NOW

I think you know that, I understand it's embarrassing to admit a mistake but it's certainly better to go through that than a single second more of this shit.

Run for the hills - get really angry about it and direct that at him, not yourself.

Miyazaki · 24/02/2009 13:01

You know this isn't right.I usually am of the, oh talk to him, school of posting. BUT if you have represented your relationship accurately in your OP, it isn't going any where good. Agree with SGB completely.

Flightattendant27 · 24/02/2009 13:02

Plus if you want any help or someone to be with you when you tell him, please don't hesitate to ask. Men like this make me furious beyond reason.

prettyfly1 · 24/02/2009 13:04

does he work. Can you go anywhere. I really dont mean to be alarmist but i think you should make a plan, pack your bags, grab the kids then go. If you have any reason to worry call the police. Change your phone number, do whatever it takes but do not stay with this man.

drlove8 · 24/02/2009 13:06

dont get married-RUN !your life will be shit, and he'll get worse when your married to him. men like that think marriage means they OWN you. run, or better still phone a taxi- just leave!

runforyourlife · 24/02/2009 13:07

His behaviour clearly comes from deep rooted insecurities. If you've done your best to reassure him and you have done nothing to cause his anxiety (and it sounds as if you've done everything; including stopping your life which is never, ever, ever a good thing!) then the position isn't going to get better in an instant. He needs to sort out his trust/jealousy/insecurity issues. You need to decide whether you want to wait/support. However, you can't go on as you are. At the very least, could you postpone the wedding, speak to him about it and try and re-establish your social life?

Flightattendant27 · 24/02/2009 13:07

Yes whose house is it? If you ring the local police (not 999, just the station) and ask they will have a dedicated Domestic Violence team (yes this is abuse, it's mental/emotional abuse and classed as DV) You'll be taken seriosusly and they will send someone round to help you, change your locks etc etc if needed. don't be afraid to ask. Lots of people know about abusive men, understand what you're dealing with, and will be only too glad to step in and protect you and make sure he gets the message!!

juliaruralwife · 24/02/2009 13:07

Seriously - he sounds scary. You can't imagine he will change and become the lovng trusting man you really want?

Take yourself (and the kids?) away to stay with a friend/short break somewhere and split up over the phone. Stay away until he has gone. Your family would understand if you just tell them what you have told us.

Good luck and be strong. You deserve better. Much better.

Flightattendant27 · 24/02/2009 13:08

Runforyourlife - waiting/supporting isn't going to help if the bloke has no self awareness whatsoever. He has to want to change if it's ever going to happen - doesn't sound like he thinks it's a problem tbh

warthog · 24/02/2009 13:12

if you don't get out now you will be making a BIGGER mistake.

it will only get HARDER.

i bet people won't laugh - they will breath a sigh of relief that you're getting rid of him. i bet you anything they haven't said anything up until now because they want to support you in your choice.

start looking secretly at places to move into, round up some friends, tell him it's over and get the hell out.

runforyourlife · 24/02/2009 13:20

FA27 - totally agree. Was trying to say that it's not the OP's issue it's her DP's deep rooted problem and it's not going to solve very easily, if at all. The reality is that we don't know what he thinks but we do know the OP is suffering and she needs to concentrate on herself.

Original poster
RoastingRooster · 24/02/2009 13:20

Thank you for the support. I have nobody in real life to talk to about this.
He has destroyed my passport. I was looking at going to Italy and he found it in the history and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was going to run off there. I wasn't, I was just getting quotes for a holiday for all of us.

I asked him if he thought I should stay because I want to, or because I'm forced to and he said "I think you should stay, end of"

I asked why he won't let me go out with friends, he started with the excuse that he shouldn't be left with the kids all the time. I arranged for them to stay with their grandmother and he still wouldn't have it.

Last year he hit a man over the head with a snooker que because he said he was "staring" at me. It ended in a huge brawl as the man was with a lot of friends, the police were called and lots of them were arrested. I was almost arrested even.

I'm just so pissed off and down and sick of everything. Nothing ever goes right and I don't mean to feel sorry for myself but I just wish something would go right for once.

The children are not his. He works full time, I work part time.

OP posts:
Miyazaki · 24/02/2009 13:24

Ok, so you must be careful with your computer history.

You must call Womens Aid. Please call them now. Are you at work?

warthog · 24/02/2009 13:49

he BURNT your passport?

get you and your kids out of there now.

please call women's aid.

Niftyblue · 24/02/2009 13:53

GET OUT NOW
You can`t marry him it will only get worse

DON`T DO IT

CaptainRex · 24/02/2009 13:54

I was engaged to a controlling man like yours, and like you, was most worried about others would say if we split up. And you know what? All of them were happy for me as they all hated him but were afraid of loosing me if they told me (my parents especially)

Please leave, asap. You will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Meglet · 24/02/2009 14:01

For Gods sake, please don't worry about everyone laughing at ou if you break off the wedding, bollocks to them. And the kids will be more upset if / when he turns into a monster.

Please end it now. Speak to your family / friends and get out. He is going to get a whole lot worse if you get married.

Wishing you all the strength and love in the world. It will be tough but you will be free of him. Your police can probably help if he kicks off. I have problems with my ex P and the police are completely wonderful and very diplomatic.

blinks · 24/02/2009 14:07

hope you follow everyone's advise...

MitchyInge · 24/02/2009 14:12

aarrghhh

what everyone has said, get OUT of there

charitygirl · 24/02/2009 14:17

Something can go right for you, but only if you leave this wretched bully. Be proactive, and call Women's Aid.

And be careful with your web history

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 24/02/2009 14:22

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