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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Controlling DP

65 replies

RoastingRooster · 24/02/2009 12:47

I am due to be married in May. I have lived with my partner for a year and I am having serious regrets and worries. I can't go anywhere or do anything without him kicking off. When he gets in from work he questions me about my day. Disguises it as "did you have a nice day" and then pushes and pushed for info "did you go into town for your lunch? that's nice...who did you go with...Sarah, Stacy and John? who's John? Does he work with you? you've never mentioned him before? How old is he? funny how you've never mentioned him. Is he married then? bet he's gay. Sounds like a twat..." etc and then later he'll get really nasty and say stuff like "maybe if you hadn't been fucking around with John all day you would have remembered your prescription" etc.
He texts me constantly and if I don't reply within 10 minutes he phones me. This has gotten me into trouble at work before and I have told him and he says "so its illegal for a bloke to text his girlfriend now?" etc.
I know he checks my phone, goes through my texts and my emails. Searches history on the net. He smashed our last PC when he found a dating site in the history. It was just a pop up that had come up with a different site but he didn't believe me.
At first I used to just not go out because I knew it would cause a massive row. Now if I do go out he literally won't let me.
I feel like a hostage but its all my fault and I know if I break off the wedding everyone is going to laugh at me making yet another mistake. The kids will be upset, god knows how DP would react. I darnt even suggest it to him

OP posts:

Gemzooks · 24/02/2009 14:27

Just re-read your first post as if it was a friend of yours who had written it. Wouldn't you be telling her to get out? Of course not easy, but you need to do this. He sounds really dangerous at worst, and at best, someone who will ruin your life. you are worth so much more than this weirdo. get out now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2009 14:28

RoastingRooster,

Re your comment:-

"If I break off the wedding everyone is going to laugh at me making yet another mistake"

Actually they will not and will be very understanding but you will be making a huge massive mistake of gargantuan proportions if you marry this abuser.

He is BAD NEWS for your children now let alone yourself. His controlling abusive behaviour will escalate; he was controlling you from soon after this relationship started. You may not have chosen to read the writing on the wall, perhaps you've only hung on this long in the (always forlorn) hopes of changing him. As you can see and have seen to your emotional cost no-one can make him change and it is not your job to rescue or save him.

Your children will not be happy and they are not now (they see how he is towards you and are unhappy for you); if this man becomes their stepfather he will drag them down with him as well. You cannot let that happen to your children as you're responsible for them too.

Destroying your passport deliberately as well is a criminal offence; that was not his property to destroy.

Get help from your family and friends and make firm plans to leave him asap and certainly before the wedding day. Call the wedding off now. Seek advice too from Womens Aid. Police are also helpful in these circumstances; you may ultimately need to take out a restraining order against him coming anywhere near you and the children.
You will need much help and support in order to leave - as others have correctly pointed out it is when you are ready to leave that these people become the most dangerous. They do not like to give up their victim easily.

You may also want to read Lundy Bancroft's book called "Why does he do that?". You will certainly find your (hopefully soon to be ex) man in those pages. These men work to a script.

You cannot go through with the wedding under any circumstances.

ScarletA · 24/02/2009 14:42

I doubt you will get a single person - on here and your friends and family in RL - who will tell you anything else. You HAVE to leave this man. He is not just controlling, he is abusive and dangerous. Once he 'owns' you by marriage or you get pregnant, things will get worse. I am sorry but years and years of experience in this field tell me this.

Please phone women's aid today, roastingrooster. They will help you understand your options and plan your escape. Because that is what it will have to be.

You have ALL our support on this, please get out now. Your friends and family will be on your side, they know what he is like.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 24/02/2009 14:43

I can just see the next thing being that you won't be allowed to go out to work.

It is better to make one mistake of getting involved with this "man" than to make a second by marrying him as well.

It isn't your fault and no-one will laugh at you, so leg it NOW while you can!

FairyLightsForever · 24/02/2009 14:52

RUN NOW Your kids will be far more upset when you are beated black and blu with various broken bones, or worse dead. I nearly lost one of my best friends last year when her controlling partner lost it and strangled her. Thankfully she survived. Someone else I knew wasn't so fortunate and her little boy is growing up without his mummy.
Please leave

FairyLightsForever · 24/02/2009 14:57

...beaten black and blue...

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 24/02/2009 15:15

This is one of the most frightening OPs I have read in some time, Roasting Rooster. You honestly need to think about getting out within days if not hours, because unfortunately men as potentially dangerous as this one sounds have a highly-developed ability to suspect that you might be about to leave, and if he finds any evidence then he will probably become violent. He's already had your passport: you need to get other important documents/id/credit cards etc packed up and out of the house before he destroys them. I would also say that if you can 't be sure of a safe slot of time to pack bags for yourself and the DC that you get the Domestic Violence team to come round while you pack and leave, so he can't attack or even kill you. Men like this do kill partners who are trying to leave.

prettyfly1 · 24/02/2009 15:56

I am right behind solid gold. There is something utterly terrifying about this thread. Can he check your history here. Please make sure you delete all of it. Please please please get out. Very very concerned for you and your children.

Flightattendant27 · 24/02/2009 16:22

Yes give him NO indication that you are even considering leaving him.

It's dangerous - it's a real flashpoint when the abused partner decides to leave.

BE REALLY CAREFUL and take care xxx

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 24/02/2009 17:01

OK if the house is in your name, then your other option is to call the police and have him removed and prohibited from returning - but generally controlling men make sure that the house is in their name and that the partner has little or no moneyh of her own.

cestlavielife · 24/02/2009 17:21

do NOT marry him!

please, please, get out, now.

it is NOT your fault - yes you decided to get together with him but believe me your friends and family will be glad you leave...

so many of mine told me that once i had left. but they were too scared to say it to me before...

CarGirl · 24/02/2009 17:30

I know someone who has jut called off her for this summer. I am really proud of her for realising that the marriage isn't right for her & she's not ready. I am so pleased that she was brave enough to call it off rather than go along it with because it's all booked etc.

How do you know your family & friends really worried about you and desperate for you to leave but are too frightened to say anything?

Jux · 24/02/2009 17:36

Where is she?

Hope you're OK RR.

Colonelcupcake · 24/02/2009 17:49

Please leave, DO NOT MARRY HIM, Do not give him any indication of what you are doing do it whilst he is at work and get rid of the mobile.

Advance planning:

Find somewhere to go at least 10 miles away
Contact CAB
Get your own bank account and put whatever money you can in it
Get hold of any and all important documentation

Do this ASAP

marie1979 · 24/02/2009 19:55

im not in any postion to post on here but please get out now if you can go and stay somewhere he cant find you save up if you have no money and hide it and give no hint you are leaving good luckx

PerArduaAdNauseum · 24/02/2009 20:45

Bumping in the hope Rooster comes back. Are you ok Marie79?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 24/02/2009 20:55

Hope you're okay Rooster. Want to join in with others and say - get out now. Please don't marry him. Make sure you and your kids are safe and please listen to others on here about contacting Women's Aid.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 24/02/2009 20:56

Sorry for double post

Simplysally · 24/02/2009 21:04

Adding my support as well. Please clear your internet history as well and then remember to empty the recycle bin.

Janos · 24/02/2009 21:29

On the basis of your O, Rooster.

DO NOT marry this man under any circumstances. He will get worse. In fact I would suggest very strongly that you ened the relationship.

His behaviour is completely unreasonable.

So what if people laugh at you for making a mistake? Better to make a mistake now than have a lifetime of misery ahead of you.

Janos · 24/02/2009 21:30

I mean that marrying him would be a mistake..leaving him would NOT be a mistake!

Miyazaki · 24/02/2009 21:33

Rooster, please come back and let us know how things are? Is it freaking you out that everybody is so concerned?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 24/02/2009 21:45

Get the feck out of that relationship as fast as you safely can, he's a nutjob. One woman per week is killed in the UK by partner or former partner. Don't be a statistic. Good luck, be strong, your life will be so much better when you are out of this.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 25/02/2009 00:47

She may not be back until tomorrow if that's when she or H are at work.

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