Controlling DP

[RoastingRooster]

I am due to be married in May. I have lived with my partner for a year and I am having serious regrets and worries. I can't go anywhere or do anything without him kicking off. When he gets in from work he questions me about my day. Disguises it as "did you have a nice day" and then pushes and pushed for info "did you go into town for your lunch? that's nice...who did you go with...Sarah, Stacy and John? who's John? Does he work with you? you've never mentioned him before? How old is he? funny how you've never mentioned him. Is he married then? bet he's gay. Sounds like a twat..." etc and then later he'll get really nasty and say stuff like "maybe if you hadn't been fucking around with John all day you would have remembered your prescription" etc.
He texts me constantly and if I don't reply within 10 minutes he phones me. This has gotten me into trouble at work before and I have told him and he says "so its illegal for a bloke to text his girlfriend now?" etc.
I know he checks my phone, goes through my texts and my emails. Searches history on the net. He smashed our last PC when he found a dating site in the history. It was just a pop up that had come up with a different site but he didn't believe me.
At first I used to just not go out because I knew it would cause a massive row. Now if I do go out he literally won't let me.
I feel like a hostage but its all my fault and I know if I break off the wedding everyone is going to laugh at me making yet another mistake. The kids will be upset, god knows how DP would react. I darnt even suggest it to him

this is the thing that would work for me every time:

YOU OWE IT TO YOUR CHILDREN TO LEAVE.

You will either be killed or viciously abused if you stay in this relationship. Either one of those things will hurt your children so much. I AM NOT saying this to make you feel bad. It is not your fault. I am saying it because I am afraid for you and you are a mother and I am trying to say it in mother-language.

PLEASE the very next time YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN are out of the house OR he is out of the house and will be a significant amount of time i.e. the start of a work day - children home from school "sick" with a tummy bug, whatever - call the police. Say you are in danger. Tell them what you have told us word for word and ANYTHING YOU HAVE LEFT OUT FOR FEAR OF EMBARRASSMENT.

Delete all your net history, including recycle bin. Plant false history in it by clicking on loads of sites for just one second so it doesnt look suspicious. And be as nice to him as you normally would, no more, no less. But be submissive. And lie through your bloody teeth as if you and your childrens lives depended on it. Fool him into thinking you are maintaining status quo but no matter what protect yourself and your children by legally and physically removing yourself from him. You will need a restraining order.

I am sorry to be so damned extreme in my posting - I am usually a fairly reserved person and try to see all sides - but if what you say is true and I believe it is - you and your children are in danger and it makes me afraid for you. Please please please call the police, call the women's aid people linked to earlier and again, lie to him. Make him comfortable until you can safely get out. Please let us know you are ok and what you are doing.

I am sorry if anyone thinks I am being too extreme I got a real gut feeling I had to post this exactly as I have done.

I really hope you and your children are ok. And please, give yourself a break. You are not responsible for all this and you can still turn it around.

My gosh everyone is so worried - I really hope that you have the strength to realise that all these women cannot be wrong - that we can see that you are in a bad bad relationship which makes the rest of us whinging about unfaithful dhs feel like we're lucky.

You have had the strength to get yourself on here to seek advice - now take it. And take yourself and your kids away from this man.

And please let us know you are ok.

Sending you all the luck in the world.xx

Please post again if you can and let everyone know how you are. Worried.

hereidrawtheline you are not being too extreme at all, sweetheart.

PLEASE LEAVE NOW.

i really hope you are ok rr.xx
fwiw i left a controlling man in sept 07, it was a huge weight off my mind.

the reason i eventually left instead of 'trying to continually make it work'?

my daughter. she was becoming withdrawn, biting her nails continually becasue of all the arguments, nightmares, i and my daughter weren't close anymore, she used to just look at me as if to say 'please leave mommy, this isn't a good situation'. so i left.

me and dd are a hell of a lot closer now. it will hard in the beginning, i won't le to you about that but it won't be anywhere near as hard as if you stayed. what he would have to do to make you leave? hit you? injure you? or injure your children????????

you will befine sweetheart but you need to leave now before he gets any worse.xxx((((((((((((((((((rr)))))))))))))))))

Luckily I did leave my x, but like you, I had my doubts too at the beginning. Serious doubts. I'll never 100% understand why I didn't listen to my doubts, and just leave.

why did I offer up my life for his convenience for so long?

I think I wanted to make my life look right from the outside. What other people thought of my life mattered so much. I now realise that this was a sign of low self-esteem, although I thought my x hadn't damaged my self-esteem. I knew he was a nasty bully, and I knew the things he said about me and the way he treated me weren't right. So I mistakenly believed that I could 'handle him', handle 'it' (the controlling) but in actual fact, my self-esteem WAS shot to pieces, because I was paralysed to move for so long.

Now, I realise that you have to make your life happy starting with the inside, YOU.

My only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner.

don't agonise over things like I did for years. DOn't make lists of pros and cons of staying and leaving. Just end it.

You can deal with the repurcussions. A man like this won't take it lying down, but if you've been able to deal with his controlling nature without losing your cool then you can deal with the abuse he'll dish out when you leave, because you know it'll never be so bad again. You leave him and you're free for EVER.

that 'PLEASE LEAVE NOW' was for rr sorry

ps, I left for the sake of my children too. In the end. I thought I had been staying for their sakes, but when my dc1 regressed to wetting her knickers again at 4 and a half, Iknew it was time to go. that was my wake up and smell the coffee moment. What is my life all about, raising two children who are destined to be unhappy screwed up bullies like their Dad?

NO WAY!!!

I hope you are OK. Everything probably seems really overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time.

As everyone has said, you should call Women's Aid - they will be able to support you through this and talk to you about your options and the way forward.

I know it is hard to believe, but your partner is not just being "difficult", he is potentially dangerous to you and your children. If you want to leave him, you have to plan it properly to protect yourself and your children. This is a good starting point

Don't let him know what you are thinking, if you don't know how to delete your history, details are in the handbook. Get advice and keep safe.

Oh boy, I hope she's OK. I hope she's so busy getting out she hasn't had time to post. I hope this man hasn't found her history. I hope the worst he's done is smash up another pc.

RoastingRooster, if you're OK please put us out of our misery. I do hope you are.

Seconding Jux. Wishing you all the best RR.

Have you married him eventually??? How are you now?

Zombie thread

He smashed up your PC, burnt your passport, and assaulted a man in a pub.

Someday he will hit your and he may even hit your children.

Oh! Just realised it's a zombie thread.

I do hope the OP is OK, wherever she is.