purpleone-You're right, you cant change it but you can make inroads to believing that none of it was your fault.
I often wonder about my addictions. Am I punishing myself. Is it my low self esteem. Avoidance. Hunger for something to fill up the emptiness I feel inside.
For me ,I think its a combination of all of these things.
Do you think you are blocking your feelings or punishing yourself?
OR could you be trying to punish them?
At that point in your life when your father said those 'awful' 'disgusting' words. (Which by the way was the only way he could handle his own sense of failure as a father.
Do you think you set out to destroy yourself in order to punish them?
I think there is a pivotal point in the relationship between the child and the parent when the relationship is abusive where the child makes a decision.
She decides to let her parents off the hook by concluding they 'are' in fact as worthless as their parents actions and words have implied.
'Or' they feel a rage that knows no bounds but that rage has no safe outlet and so it's unleashed upon themselves. They set out to destroy themselves in order to punish the parent.
I know at points in my life I have thought, supposing I die, then they'll be sorry.
I used to have dreams where I would scream soundlessly at my mother, rage at her. I was always in our old house and there would always be lightening and floods. I know this was the only outlet at the time for my suppressed rage and anger at how they had treated me. Only it had never been safe to express this anger. I hid it.
But of course, as others have said it reared its head elsewhere later in life. My anger was my recklessness, my drinking, my binging, my abuse of myself.
All that anger that my body had contained, their anger, my anger, my siblings anger. All swelling up inside me. It's inevitable at some point you just want to hit self destruct.