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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So, I asked 'do you still fancy me'?, he said no

67 replies

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 15:41

I don't know what to do about our marriage of 21yrs! We were having a 'talk', me not happy etc. We have zero intimacy between us. He keeps well away from me. He says he has conditioned himself to keep away from me . Because, I had pnd and was on prozac and didn't feel like sex AT ALL for 5 yrs. I kept telling him I felt guilty, but he couldn't accept it. In his opion nobody has depression or lack of sex drive for so long and he was HURT. I asked where would he like our marriage to be and could not answer. I am so so very sad, I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 15:47

Try Relate?

He sounds incredibly selfish tbh.

My DH and I did not have sex for 8 years due to my health problem but her never ever put me under pressure. I began to doubt if I fancied him...still a bit of an issue, tbh.

You may well be able to get back to where you were, but you do need help.

Would he go to Relate- or if not, would you go alone? you need an impartial counsellor to help. Sorry you feel so down. Bloody men.

citronella · 22/02/2009 15:48

for you.

Don't really know what to say in those circumstances. Have you tried or considered Relate?

citronella · 22/02/2009 15:49

x-posts

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 15:50

We tried Relate about 4 years ago and tbh we onlywent 3 times. Dh decided we didn't need them. I asked him would he be sad if I left he slowly answered ' yes, but you would miss anything if it had been with you for 21yrs' [sadsadsad]

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 15:52

To be fair though and I am sorry you feel so sad, if you were "rejected" which i believe is how your dh is probably feeling for five years then you would wonder as well. Five years is an incredibly long time to go without intimacy and i can understand why he feels so rotten. I know ill get caned for that but people do have needs and whilst yours had a valid medical reason it cannot be easy for him either. You need to go to relate and so does he so he can sort through his feelings. My partner had depression and I have had it. Depressives are so difficult to live with - through no fault of thier own- and it does wear you down. I am sorry but i dont think he is being selfish. I think he is a man who wants to feel loved and given affection and has not had it for five years and is now feeling very cold over it. Men are allowed feelings too.

Dragonfly74 · 22/02/2009 15:52

Hi brokenhearted, sorry to hear your feeling so low.

I don't have any words of wisdom i'm afraid.
My dh and I are going through something similar, since the birth of our ds 3yrs ago I have had little to no interest in being intimate, He has been understanding but I can see that it gets to him. What you said about feeling guilty is so true, I'm constantly beating myself up for failing him as a wife.

As I said no words of wisdom I just wanted to let you know you not alone.

Take care. x

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 15:53

Bastard. Go to Relate yourself and decide if you want to stay with this idiot. I think you deserve better.

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 15:57

I dont think you have failed him as a wife btw - can I ask, have you had councelling for the depression to examine why you might be feeling so low????

helsy · 22/02/2009 15:59

I agree with prettyfly - he may well be feling rejected and lonely, which is a horrible way to feel when you're actually in a relationship.
It sounds as though he's being honest about how he feels, and that may be a good thing rather than the disaster it may appear to be at the moment. Keep talking.
Might it help if you could find some literature for him that relates depression to loss of libido?

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 16:00

prettyfly1, I didn't completely stop having sex with him, just frequently didn't. Continued to tell him how much I loved him etc. But I do know what you are saying. By the time I got off my antidressants, he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave. Well that was 5 years ago and yes he is still here but he is totally switched off from me. I have been unable to show my love for him since then as at that time he told me he didn't love me anymore so I couldn't muster up the affection towards him after being told that. Here we are 5yrs later and I am craving his love and attention and do not get it. We both busy ourselves giving love to DC.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 16:02

Oh ok, so the period you didnt have sex for was a long time ago but the pair of you have kind of been floating in limbo since then. I hate to say this but I think you have hit a straw that broke situation and everything is coming to a head. Neither of you can be expected to carry on in a sexless, loveless relationship that you dont want to be in, thats incredibly sad. I know you have invested 21 years but the last 6-7 according to you have been bad. If he isnt prepared to save it then I really think you need to consider relate to help you move on. It isnt fair to anyone to carry on like that - there is so very much more to life.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 16:07

I so agree with you prettyfly1. I do want to carry on though. I do still fancy him and he found that strange! I have never wanted out of our marriage, but I do look to him to rekindle it due to the things he has said to me. He wont say categorically what he wants. He just says he doesn't need to change, 'I do'. But I am not doing anything wrong, truely I am not, other than not feeling able to approach him physically which as I said, I find it too hard since over the years has has a. wanted to leave. b. stopped loving me. and c. said he doesn't fancy me.

OP posts:

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 16:07

If he doesn't love you- why is he still there? Is he going for the easy option- i.e. he can't be bothered to either work at the relationship, OR make the break?

And what do you want? do you want to stay with a man who says he doesn't love you? Do you believe he is telling the truth- or is he hurt and is trying to hurt you? Have you asked him WHY he doesn't love you?

If he really does NOT love you, then there doesn't seem to be much point staying with him, except for your DCs sake.

Even if he won't go to Relate- and all your posts seem to suggest that you do what he says/wants, rather than what you want/might help- then go alone to get some clarity.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 16:11

He claims he doesn't love me in the way I want him to??? and No, he doesn't cherish me. I have asked why he is here and he says 'I dont know', I cant get a straight answer. Part of me thinks it is just convenient for him to stay and sometimes I think he is waiting for me to go so that I look like 'the baddie who broke up the family' IYSWIM.

OP posts:

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 16:24

It seems like communication is the only way forward.

if he was in counselling, I doubt if he could get away with his "don't knows" as answers...the counsellor would press for more thoughts on that from him.

He seems to be dodging responsibility for it all- he says what he DOESN'T want, but not what he DOES want! Not good enough, really. Not fair on you.

Please try to either talk more to each other- or see a counsellor together or alone. He sounds a typical man in many ways- buries his head in the sand and maybe wants you to make the moves- well, be strong and do that- take action instead of letting it stagnate.

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 16:24

Then I think you need to find the strength to accept it may well be over. You cant live like that - its just cruel to yourself. Are you hoping that if your perfect etc and just hang in there h will love you again??? I am not trying to make light by the way. My parents have been married for 28 years and about four years ago they went through an incredibly rough patch so you can come through it but both partners have to really want to and I am just not sure from what you have said he does.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 16:39

I wish I KNEW what he wanted. He knows I am unhappy and all he can say is that he is prepared to amble on and once I change, he will fall into place!!!! BTW he is rich and successful and controlling and manipulative and I really think he thinks I will put up with anything. Its so sad, it just doesnt need to be like this. He is so full of anger. He constantly pulls everyone to shreds and refers to most people as morons. I do hate that about him but he does, believe it or not have other qualities

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 16:43

Like what. It doesnt sound liek you like him very much right now. If you are married you are both rich and successful btw. He got there with your help. Thats the way marriage works.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 16:46

Yes it should work like that but he tells me he earns the money so he makes the decisions, I love him but I don't like the way he speaks to me.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 16:48

Which would go a long way to explaining your lack of real attraction to him. I wouldnt want to sleep with someone who made me feel like I was a subservient dependent of them.

singyswife · 22/02/2009 16:48

Can you try a 'trial seperation' and during that time rediscover each other. Go out on dates, family outings etc but there will be enough disctance between you both that you will realise if it is the physical presence of someone there that you miss or the actual person. Am I making sense. It doesnt sound like either of you want to give up on this and this might just be a way to make it work.

Nabster · 22/02/2009 16:48

In sickness and in health.

Some are able to follow this easier/better than others.

What do you want to do?

What does he want to do?

Just reading your last post it seems like he feels he has provided money and what have you provided?

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 22/02/2009 16:52

Initially I thought that maybe he was not being that unreasonable - if you have been pushing him away for 5 years it's not that surprising that he has withdrawn from you.
However, if he has been bullying and criticizing you for 5 years then it's not surprising you don't feel like having sex with him very often.
I think you should get some counselling on your own, sort out your feelings, which matter just as much as his, and then think over what you would like to happen, and talk it through with him.
He may well not exactly 'want' to leave because, after all, he's getting his meals cooked and his washing done, and he may feel that by waving the threat of leaving around he will make you scurry round servicing him more thoroughly, and yet if he's told you that he isn't sure he wants to be with you, he can get laid elsewhere with a clear conscience if he gets the opportunity...

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 16:57

Even without you adding your lates post, Icould tell he was a bully and that you felt under his thumb.

Men who have anger problems always want to blame other people for their life.

He needs help, you need help.
Don't even try to understand him - he is not exactly falling over himself trying to understand YOU , is he?

Was it ever good between you? or did you lean on him and feel he made you feel secure?

Go for counselling on your own- the idea that you might not want him, might be enough to make him start thinking about the reality of losing you.

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 17:04

MMM. I am a firm advocate of marriage forever but i dont believe it says anywhere in the vows "i will stay with you in the face of ongoing coldness and rejection, demeaning comments and lack of love" I do believe however there were some remarks about mutual respect, which appears to be an issue here.

I didnt agree with very embarrassed at first but I have to say now, with the tone of your posts, there are obviously some fairly serious resentment issues which go well beyond the lack of sexual intimacy. How do you feel about going to relate alone - do you think this will help.

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