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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So, I asked 'do you still fancy me'?, he said no

67 replies

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 15:41

I don't know what to do about our marriage of 21yrs! We were having a 'talk', me not happy etc. We have zero intimacy between us. He keeps well away from me. He says he has conditioned himself to keep away from me . Because, I had pnd and was on prozac and didn't feel like sex AT ALL for 5 yrs. I kept telling him I felt guilty, but he couldn't accept it. In his opion nobody has depression or lack of sex drive for so long and he was HURT. I asked where would he like our marriage to be and could not answer. I am so so very sad, I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 20:07

the two schools are quite far apart and not exactly too close by our home plus there is a huge amount of traffic. Choosing different schools is not an option.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 22/02/2009 20:08

Broken, you cant make someone love you if they dont.

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 20:09

Buses? sharing with another parent now and then?

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 20:10

lift share is not an option. I am not trying to make him love me. I am just in a sad place.

OP posts:

Ewe · 22/02/2009 20:10

It is obviously going to take some work but that's not a totally unrealistic wish bh. Have you got an opportunity to get away for a weekend and really talk? If you were on your own after a few glasses of wine do you think he would be able to open up.

Have you told him 100% honestly how you feel?

violethill · 22/02/2009 20:10

I think you now need to break that wish down into realistic chunks.

'Being happy' is just too big, too woolly to get your head round.

Write a list of things which make you happy. eg for me it would be things like: a long soak in the bath, cooking a lovely meal with DH (not for him!), watching a good movie, achieving a particular success at work.

You sound as if you are waiting for 'happiness' to creep up on you, and that your life is on hold until that happens. It won't. You need to start acting now to make your life how you want it. Happiness will then be the by-product. Whether you can achieve that with your DH is another issue..but at least you will have been proactive and made your life richer.

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 20:10

prettfly agree - and the more you ask, if they are sadistic, the more they will pull back and deny it to you. Stop asking, start living and make your own life- even if it is under the same roof for the moment.

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 20:11

violethill- are you a counsellor or a coach? {smile]- you seem to be talking like one- not a criticism, just a commment!

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 20:12

Yes, you are all right. It just gets too much for me sometimes, like now.

OP posts:

warthog · 22/02/2009 20:15

sorry if i'm wrong, but is that you, 247? if so, sorry things have not got better. it's been over a year now i think.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 20:17

OP posts:

violethill · 22/02/2009 20:18

veryembarrassed - no I'm not, though have worked with a few so may be rubbing off!!

The most important thing I've learned from counsellors is this business of understanding that it is all about changing yourself, how you are, what you do, how you respond to other people. If your partner is abusive/inconsiderate/lazy etc you are really very unlikely to actually change how they behave by nagging/ telling etc. What you can do is change your response, and change things about your own life so that it becomes in the other person's interests to change.

veryembarrassedmummy · 22/02/2009 20:20

agree VH- you cannot change anyone else.
Change how you behave and their behaviour will change.

Original poster

brokenhearted · 22/02/2009 20:20

I'm going to try so so hard from now on, if its not too late.

OP posts:

violethill · 22/02/2009 20:26

brokenhearted - you sound as though you so want this relationship to work, and I applaud you for your commitment. You are clearly prepared to work hard... but please make sure you are trying hard in the right way. You seem to be in danger of trying terribly hard to please your husband.... start thinking about yourself. Maybe what he needs is a wake up call. If he were to come home one night next week and you announced that you'd joined a club/ were looking for work/ had read a really good film review and wanted to discuss it with him... maybe that would make him sit up and take notice.

intheLiffey · 22/02/2009 21:22

I feel sorry for you, because you still want him, but I think that during that five years you 'recategorised' the relationship. I don't blame you. You had pnd and it was the last thing on your mind. But from his point of view, during those five years he saw you in a different way. He had to really. It would have been torture otherwise.

I hope that you feel strong enough to be on your own, because initiating a split with somebody is like cycling uphill with heavy bags, but once it's done, the decision made, the deed done, it does get a lot easier.

warthog · 23/02/2009 06:30

brokenhearted, thing is you have been trying so hard already. i'm worried that if you continue to try so hard and be the only one to put effort in, you will continue to be taken for granted.

i really really think the best way to go forward is to start living life for YOU again. start going out with friends, having hobbies, enjoying life. he will either sit up and notice or he won't care.

at least you'll have your answer then, and he'll either start treating you with the respect you deserve, or he won't. but at least you'll have new things to look forward to and perhaps give you the courage to move on.

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