So, I asked 'do you still fancy me'?, he said no

[brokenhearted]

I don't know what to do about our marriage of 21yrs! We were having a 'talk', me not happy etc. We have zero intimacy between us. He keeps well away from me. He says he has conditioned himself to keep away from me . Because, I had pnd and was on prozac and didn't feel like sex AT ALL for 5 yrs. I kept telling him I felt guilty, but he couldn't accept it. In his opion nobody has depression or lack of sex drive for so long and he was HURT. I asked where would he like our marriage to be and could not answer. I am so so very sad, I just don't know what to do anymore.

Yes I would happily go to Relate alone, I will look into it. Before the DC arrived I loved him to death and pampered him all the time. it was nor really reciprocated. The DC came and they got all the love. I got the pnd. He felt let out. He wanted to leave. He said he didnt love me anymore. He stayed. I have felt unable to show love to my DH since he said he no longer loved me. Where have I been a bad person. He has always known I love him. Yes he is controlling. Yes he is a great dad. He is/always has been disrectful of my feelings and belittle much of what I do. He claims 'I am not normal, I talk rubbish, I am mad' the list goes on/ I have little confidence as a result of years of this. Nabster, in return, I have raised my Dc practically single handedly. Take 3 hours per day to do the school run. Clean (myself) our enormous house (no help), take care of everything so the Dh can leave the country at the drop of a hat. Have NO family around to help me. YES, i am scared to leave. More importantly I want to work it out.

You are the victim of emotional abuse- can you see that? All perpetrators of abuse try to make their victims feel it is their fault.

Your DH is controlling, selfish and probably insecure, deep down.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG- except feed this man's ego, to such an extent pre-DC- that his nose was put firmly out of joint when he was no longer the centre of your attention.

Unless he is willing to change, and that will take a huge amount of effort and counselling, then I don't think you have a viable marriage.

Why do you stay with a manwho treats you this way? It talkes 2 to build a marriage- good or bad- and although you have done nothing wrong, you have allowed yourself to be dominated. It is now time to stand up for yourself, and that might mean moving on. If your DH is high earner you won't want financially, which will make it easier.

Uh oh, what a pathetic little wanker he must be to bully you like this. It's always a big noisy alarm bell when anyone says to an unhappy partner 'it's you who needs to change then everything will be OK' because it's always a case of 'you must obey me or suffer'.
Do get some counselling. It will give you the strength to tell him to piss off.

Broken Hearted: Whether he still fancies you or not isn't the deal breaker IMO. You asked him, and he answered honestly, which must have hurt, but on the other hand, would you have preferred him to lie?

To me, the lack of love, or at least love as you want it from him, is far more serious. You talk about your DH being rich, successful, the one who calls the shots... what about you? What are your ambitions? What do you want to put into and get out of life? I don't mean this in a nasty way (I'm simply trying to reflect back to you how you are coming across in your posts) but it feels like you have become a non-person in the relationship, or at least a very very poor second to your husband.

The key to any relationship issues is to accept that you cannot directly change the other person. What you can do is change youself, and then hopefully this will change the way the other person responds to you.

Try to put aside feeling scared and anxious about the marriage ending, and ask yourself what changes you can make to improve your own life. What the hell are you doing spending 3 hours on the school run? Madness!! How can you possibly have your own life while you're doing that? And having a huge house is just a burden if all you do is run round trying to keep on top of things rather than taking any pleasure in it.

You are not an accessory in this marriage - you are a person in your own right. No one can wave a magic wand and provide answers. I think talking is the only way, maybe trying counselling yourself if he won't go. But the starting point has to be looking at how you can move towards making your life better rather than spending the next 20 years in a loveless marriage just because you can't think of a better place to be.It really doesn't have to be like that - you deserve better.

Here here Violet Hill. What I was trying to say only much better put!!

This is so sad and I agree with the other posters.

Unforutnately I think many men in this situation and even in lesser financial situations don't want to split because they think they will get fleeced financially.

Which is totally wrong of course but JMO,

I wouldn't and couldn't fancy someone who didn't have sex with me for 5 years.
Would kill all feelings stone dead.

Would it have killed you to do it with him?

Moondog!

how old are your kids?

Whilst I often recoil in horror at Moondogs postings this time I am in partial agreement with her/him. Apart from the rather flippant comment at the end.

My exH refused sex for about that period of time for reasons still not known, which contributed to the downward spiral of our marriage. In the end I did not find him attractive any more.

5 years is an awfully long time to be without sex you know.

Putting aside the emotional side of things, as only you can know whether or not you can cope with it etc. It is possible to get intimacy and sexuality back in your relationship with a little bit of effort, if of course that is what you decide you want to do.

Firstly, you have to feel good about yourself, PND is not going to have helped this so try and think about what makes you feel attractive and sexy. Get a haircut, legs waxed, manicure, pedicure, massage, facial etc.

Ensure you are wearing clothes that flatter you and make you feel like a woman, far too easy to get into a clothes rut. Wear sexy underwear everyday, ditch anything that isn't nice.

Get some other interests, take up a hobby, get a job, whatever takes your fancy.

Go out on dates together as another poster mentioned. Talk about things that you both have an opinion on - politics, current affairs, religiong etc. Remind him you are a person in your own right, not just a mother.

Regarding the sex, texting can be great in this sort of situation, send teasing messages throughout the day. It's just like really long foreplay, should hopefully make you feel wanted too.

Either this will wake your H up to how fantastic you are and get some intimacy and mutual attraction back or you will be in a good place to move on if it doesn't work out.

Hope you manage to sort it out whatever route you go.

I wouldn't and couldn't fancy someone who didn't have sex with me for 5 years.
Would kill all feelings stone dead.

How do you know?

That is a very black and white view.

My DH and I didn't for 8 almost 9 years due to my health issue and my subsequent lack of desire for him- it was hard to see the difference after a while.

He has never stopped fancying/wanting me and loving me.

I don't think advising her on how to get her libido back is actually the best help here. It could come across as a bit like 'Look, shut up and suck his cock and then he'll stop being angry and controlling and mean'.
It would be more useful if someone said to him and men like him: if you want more sex, stop bullying your wife and start treating her like a human being. You;re not entitled to fuck her whatever she thinks about it.

ewe- I know you mean to help the OP, but your ideas fall wayshort of the mark- this woman is suffering emotional abuse/bullying etc and you tell her to get soem sexy knickers and have her legs waxed???

Those ideas might work if the sex is an issue and nothing else, and both parties want to make it work, but it is not really the issue here- there is a huge amount of emotional stuff that needs sorting.

I think the OP has made enoguh effort to make her selfish DH happy already, and been given no thanks for it, without having to rush off and tart herself up for the tosser.

veryembarrassed - I think that's a testament to a very strong relationship and I respect you for that.

I'm not sure all relationships could survive five years without intimacy though... it could leave one partner feeling very rejected and lead to all sorts of other problems surfacing.

I was in a similar situation solidgold and it worked for me, one can only comment based on own experience, I think. It is not "shut up and suck his cock" but ultimately if she has pushed him away for 5 years he is going to feel rejected and his self esteem is probably through the floor.

I know mine would be had I been on the receiving end of it, regardless of other reasons being the cause which you can of course know logically, ego often makes you feel otherwise. I did also say I was commenting specifically on how to get intimacy back in your relationship, not the emotional side of things. OP is grown up who I am sure can pick n choose the advice she takes!

VH- thanks for that. Yes, we do have issues and after a hwile my health issue got slightly better but my emotions got in the way- but we might be finding a way through it.

Just think about couples who are ill, with any chronic illness, or disability- you don't just stop caring for them or loving them, just because you don't have sex any more.

Well, PND is an illness too- and although a man might feel rejected, well, he's just got to get over it hasn't he, and stop thinking of himself so much.

I think ewe is being unfairly criticised here. The sex part was only one bit of the post. She also made really sound suggestions about getting a job or a hobby, and trying to initiate discussion about various topics.

I think sex is the least of the problem here. I think the OP needs to wake up to the fact that she is a person in her own right, and does not exist to service her kids and husband. Yes, he sounds like a bully, but she's not going to change his behaviour, she can only change herself, how she responds to him, what she wants out of life etc.

The OP sounds to me like a woman who has lost her own life because its become consumed by everyone around her - husband and kids. That's no way to live a life.

I must have confused some of you. I didn't stop having sex for 5 yrs. I had pnd and was on antidpressants. We probably had sex every 4/5 weeks not longer than 2 months abstinance. I do keep myself very groomed, hair and makeup before I even come downstairs! I have no choice re the school run and as I love my kids so much there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I do try to talk about things and stuff but he frequently belittles what I am saying. He talks constantly about his work and I LISTEN, i am however frequently told i'm not interested.

Just for the record, I agree with a lot of oyu who are saying I need to think of myself and change the way I respond to him etc and I totally agree. Its just hard when your self esteem is shot to pieces and you feel so unloved and unworthy. But I am trying.

concentrate on doing what helps you and leave him to sulk.. sorry to be so blunt.

Nabster - he is not sulking, he does and always has just gets on with his life and leaves me to myself to be sad.

brokenhearted - if you could have one wish that would stop you being sad what would it be?

You really have no choice but to do a 3 hour school run every day? I presume you mean a 3/4 hour journey each way, x 4?

That's a hell of a commitment, and is effectively stopping you from getting on and having your own life I would have thought.

My one wish is that we could be happy and I would feel loved by him. I really want to be here and be happy. School run is anything from 1 hours plus each am and pm.