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Original poster

Right. I need to sort my marriage out and I need some help please.

76 replies

oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:14

I must start by saying I love my dh, deeply. We have spent 7 years together building trust, intimacy, and a partnership that works.

However, we have hit a rocky patch lately. Normal, I am sure, but the thing is, I am suddenly aware, more than ever, that this is all because we are so fundamentally different (shocking, I know, but it has actually taken me this long to realise face this).

The big difference between us is: I like chaos, have bounds of energy and patience, and am not so fussed by a need for order/organisation.

He, on the other hand, prefers tidiness and a 'quiet life' (how I am beginning to dread this phrase), and has decreasing energy levels and motivation.

This causes endless frustration on my part, and anxiety on his. He told me the other day when we attempted to talk about it that he felt constantly on edge, waiting for me to have a go about something. And it is true, I freely admit, I am constantly nagging him.

An example: Ds1 (nearly 4yo) will hardly do anything with him. IMO, this is becaus he doesn't get much attention from DH when they are together (again, I am not having a go here, I think this is due to DH having less confidence with ds1 than ds2 from the start). So, before Xmas, I suggested they go to Soccatots together to spend some time together (DH v keen on football). After a few times of suggesting this, I showed him the website and we looked at the pics. he made some placatory noises and mumbled a bit, wasn't too interested, but said he'd give it a go in Jan. I wrote the phone number on our bulletin board... and there it has stayed. Mentioned it a few more times. Rang up to find out a bit more info. Passed info on to DH.... Finally rang woman, handed him the phone, and they went last weekend, both came home beaming, and they went back this weekend, so result. BUT. I know if I don't stop sorting these things, he won't ever do anything for himself (apart from houseowrk, which he helps out a lot with... because he likes a tidy, organised house -- he will even tidy toys WHILE THE KIDS ARE STILL PLAYING WITH THEM).

It is the same with his friends -- they ring to go out for a drink (we recently moved to a more remote area, so it is quite sweet that they are making the effor to stay in touch), he never rings back, but complains he has no social life.

OK, I will stop ranting and post now, but the idea is that I am going to try and have a chat with him again later (as tension levels are nearly unbearable), and I need some advice as to how to sort this all out without sounding like a harpy.

Any help very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:20

One final example, and this one had me really worked up: he has been off work this week, so had the kids while I work so we could save a bit on child care. There is another family with similar circumstances that happened to have the dad looking after the kids too. So the moms and I were talking and suggested meeting after we (the moms) finished working for a meal (with both families at a kid friendly restaurant), and the dads could meet up a bit beforehand to let the kids play and have a chat.

Trying to sort this caused a 5 alarm row: the kids would never behave during dinner (actually, they enjoyed themselves and were all really well behaved), he didn't want to be getting home too late (back before 7.30), he thought I had said I would leave work early to give him a hand (I might have, but I actually am really behind, so if he was able to manage OK for a playdate with someone's company he enjoyed, I could actually get some work done)... etc...

In short, loads of excuses, and in the end we all had a really lovely evening (His words too!).

OP posts:
Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:21

I have tried emailing him (to avoid sounding like a harpy), telling him how much I appreciate his hard work and love, but that I am concerned about his decreasing motivational levels and I worry if he might be depressed -- got nowhere...

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BitOfFun · 21/02/2009 11:23

It sounds a little bit like your need to "sort out" things is creating a lot of stress and tension for both of you! I hope that doesn't sound unhelpful, but it is coming across to me that you are "over-managing" him and your life together, and that if you took a step back he would have to find his own solutions, albeit at a slower pace to you. Does that sound right, or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:25

No, you are partly right, BoF.

it just seems like every family activity has to be a row. Should I just start saying things like, 'I'd really like to take the kids for a walk would you like to come?' and then go by myself with them if he doesn't want to?

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mumonthenet · 21/02/2009 11:28

understand your frustration but you do realise don't you that you are going to have to back off a bit?

If you sit your dh down to talk you are going to have to ask him what parts of your behaviour he would like you to change, and not just tell him what he's doing wrong.

Sad he won't get off his butt to keep up with his friends, but it's HIS life - his mistake.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:30

OK, mumonthenet, I will do that and am prepared for the inevitable consequences ('you nag me too much!').

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Hassled · 21/02/2009 11:31

I fully understand how frustrating this must be for you, but to an extent I think you have to accept this is just how your DH is. You can't fundamentally change people - and in most partnerships I think there is always one who is the prime organiser and takes a more proactive role. If you can accept that as your "job", while his job is XYZ (the housework, the calm time with the DCs?) then you might work together in a happier way.

Maybe making a list of all the things that drive you nuts about him, coupled with all the things you love about him, would make you take a step back?

I'm not suggesting he gets away scot free - you will end up feeling like a complete martyr with teh weight of the world on your shoulders. And he has to understand that - that by being so hands-off and inactive, you end up carrying the whole load. But if he is at heart a shy, quiet person then he will always be a shy, quiet person - and pursuing the football thing might have seen very daunting to him.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:32

There are other things too, the kinds of things that come up in AIBU all the time (e.g. promises me a lie in per week (rest of week I get up around 6am with dses, get them dressed & breakfast, walk dog, etc...), but then won't get out of bed, lets kids wail endlessly until I get up, then says, 'I'm just going!!')

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Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:33

hassled, that is a very good point. I find that sort of thing very easy, so it didn't occur to me that he would find it difficult.

whew, it is so hard.

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Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:38

back to an earlier point: I am not that bothered about him letting his friendships whither (as Mumonthenet says, that's up to him), but I am very concerned about his relationship with his sons.

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BitOfFun · 21/02/2009 11:39

Now the lie in I can help you with. As soon as you hear the kids for the second time, knee him in the heebies. You will have warned him the night before. He won't believe you, but he won't stay asleep the following week. Guaranteed.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:41

BitOfFun, that has made me smile.

Apart from that, I am being a bit unreasonable?

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fluffles · 21/02/2009 11:47

I think you need to pick your moments - maybe just after one of these events where he admits he enjoyed himself... ask him THEN how he feels about you 'organising him' make sure he understands you don't want to organise every minute of his time but see if he could agree to something arranged like this once or twice a week in future... make sure he knows it's not a slippery slope to a life like a hi-de-hi holiday camp.

Poor man is clearly quiet and a little self conscious in new situations and sounds like he has mild anxiety problems.

Hassled · 21/02/2009 11:49

I think you might be a tiny bit. He certainly needs to pull his weight more than he does, but that's almost a separate issue to your main concerns.

You married him the way he is (unless he's changed radically post DCs), the very first thing you said was that you love him deeply, and to an extent you have to like it or lump it. For every 1 thing you dislike about him, I bet there are 2 things you love about him. So you swallow the irritating stuff and make the most of what you do have, and he does the same about you - that's what makes a good marriage work (I speak as someone on her 2nd DH, btw ). He won't ever be perfect - no-one is.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:49

It has been quite a revelation that I, Royal Princess Oregon of Saintliness, is actually out of order.

Thought you would all come on here telling me what a lazy so and so dh is and to kick him right in the behind.

But actaully, it is me that needs to work on accepting him the way he is.

And you are all completely right!

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Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:53

I am not sure that I want to carry on organising him, Fluffles. I think the footie thing is going well and I am happy for him to sort other activities as he would wish.

The main source of tension is when we have to sort our family activities: Saturdays, holidays, etc.. as we seem to want to do completely different things.

And yes, I know we must compromise, but we always end up in a row first! (let me tell you, he doesn't seem quite so shy then!! )

This is really helping, thank you.

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AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 21/02/2009 11:54

I think you really need to stop trying to change him. You can't change him. What you can change is how you react to his behaviour, and how you feel about it.

Take your football example. Why was it so important to you that he organise it himself? Your family were all unhappy when you were trying to force things to happen that way (you = frustrated, dh = nagged, ds = no football), and you were all happy when you just went ahead and booked it. Okay, so it means you have to be the one to organise things, but so? You obviously do it better than him. You've said yourself that he's not lazy and pulls his weight with other things in the house and the relationship. Accept that this is your role in your family and make your peace with that. This doesn;t mean be a martyr, just be more realistic about yours and dh's roles. Stop trying to force people out of their natural shape for no real reason. Pick your battles.

I relate very strongly to your post. I could have written it once.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 21/02/2009 11:55

Sorry - bit slow to type. Not sure how useful my post is now I've read on since I started typing.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:56

So, a plan (what do you think?):

  1. Ask him what he thinks we need to work on/ sources of family tension
  1. tell him my list.
  1. Work out ways we can compromise (e.g. alternate Saturdays we get to take turns deciding what to do instead of tug-of-war stay in- go out, discuss lie-in thing -- possibly not mentioning BitOfFun's suggestion until it becomes necessary).
  1. remind him of all the reasons I do love him (and there are quite a few, you are correct)!
OP posts:
Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 11:57

Alice, that is very useful!!

What worked for you, if you were in a similar situation?

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Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 12:00

Am I allowed to say the he can act like a martyr at times about some of the jobs he does too?

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Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 12:06

I meant, allowed to say it on MN but not to him .

thank you all, I feel miles better, and think I have a pretty good idea of how to communicate with him (starting with an apology).

This thread has really been helpful, even though it has made me admit I am wrong for a change!

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JiminyCricket · 21/02/2009 12:09

I understand. I have a theory that women get more active and sociable as they get older, and men get more lazy and unsociable (to put it nicely, more settled in home life, not nicely, welded to the sofa). Though your dp doesn't sound lazy, just doesn't get out there to organise things. My lovely dp is great in most respects, but I regret that he has lost touch with his funny, witty, sociable side and doesn'y keep up with his friends. I recentyl found out that his pre-me friends think this is MY FAULT. Also he possibly wouldn't have got on and booked the soccer tots thing (but would if something was his idea) and isn't keen to socialise with other parents. I told him recently that the only thing I would like us to work on is to be more outgoing. Bottom line, i will enjoy life more and find him more interesting if he has interests, friends and a social life. He took this seriously I think, and has done more with others e.g sledging with people from school while I was at work.

Original poster
oregonianabroad · 21/02/2009 12:13

Interesting theory, Jiminy, certainly true in our case. I remember him once telling me in the early days that he wished I had more energy!! Seems quite laughable now.

When you spoke to your dp, did you put it in those terms or dress it up a little?

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MinkyBorage · 21/02/2009 12:46

I love this thread. mn at its best. Well done and good luck oregonianabroad