Right. I need to sort my marriage out and I need some help please.

[oregonianabroad]

I must start by saying I love my dh, deeply. We have spent 7 years together building trust, intimacy, and a partnership that works.

However, we have hit a rocky patch lately. Normal, I am sure, but the thing is, I am suddenly aware, more than ever, that this is all because we are so fundamentally different (shocking, I know, but it has actually taken me this long to realise face this).

The big difference between us is: I like chaos, have bounds of energy and patience, and am not so fussed by a need for order/organisation.

He, on the other hand, prefers tidiness and a 'quiet life' (how I am beginning to dread this phrase), and has decreasing energy levels and motivation.

This causes endless frustration on my part, and anxiety on his. He told me the other day when we attempted to talk about it that he felt constantly on edge, waiting for me to have a go about something. And it is true, I freely admit, I am constantly nagging him.

An example: Ds1 (nearly 4yo) will hardly do anything with him. IMO, this is becaus he doesn't get much attention from DH when they are together (again, I am not having a go here, I think this is due to DH having less confidence with ds1 than ds2 from the start). So, before Xmas, I suggested they go to Soccatots together to spend some time together (DH v keen on football). After a few times of suggesting this, I showed him the website and we looked at the pics. he made some placatory noises and mumbled a bit, wasn't too interested, but said he'd give it a go in Jan. I wrote the phone number on our bulletin board... and there it has stayed. Mentioned it a few more times. Rang up to find out a bit more info. Passed info on to DH.... Finally rang woman, handed him the phone, and they went last weekend, both came home beaming, and they went back this weekend, so result. BUT. I know if I don't stop sorting these things, he won't ever do anything for himself (apart from houseowrk, which he helps out a lot with... because he likes a tidy, organised house -- he will even tidy toys WHILE THE KIDS ARE STILL PLAYING WITH THEM).

It is the same with his friends -- they ring to go out for a drink (we recently moved to a more remote area, so it is quite sweet that they are making the effor to stay in touch), he never rings back, but complains he has no social life.

OK, I will stop ranting and post now, but the idea is that I am going to try and have a chat with him again later (as tension levels are nearly unbearable), and I need some advice as to how to sort this all out without sounding like a harpy.

Any help very much appreciated.

You could be me and my dh.

Except we've just had a blazing row and I'm not ready to admit I'm wrong yet.

Good luck - hope you manage to get it all sorted out.

OK, so here's what I did:

1. Apologised (I even used the words, 'I think I was being a bit unreasonable last week.'

1. Asked if we could think of some strategies for each getting to do what we wanted on the weekends/ during family time.

1. Asked if he wanted to talk about things & what he thought was good or not so good.

4.Told him I loved him and thought he was a good father and husband.

Thanks all for your great advice. DOn't know how much (if anything) will change long term (and I realise I need to accept this), but feel much better for having vented & sorted things out a bit with him.

oregon, I think its interesting you say you have no need for organisation or order, and like chaos, yet your dh's laissez faire attitude with your sons annoys you whilst you seem to be organising everything! (even your apology, which was great BTW)

So an outsider it sounds like your differences are more to do with being extrovert/introvert than order vs. disorganisation.

True mrsmaidamess (like your name btw).

I do appreciate certain types of organisation (OK, OK, I am a complete control freak about some things).

I hope you feel better about things- you've been a great sport, good luck!

I also believe some men feel self concious and awkward doing certain things with children, like they don't know how to 'play' and relax.. (Some can also be bone idle of course)

My friends dh REFUSES to take his kids anywhere, eg swimming, bike riding etc, but will happily play lego for days on end with them, or computer games.

My friend has decided to take what she can get!

Thanks, BitOfFun! I'll keep your suggestion about the knackers in the am to myself for the time being (although I was considering using it as he just came prancing in here, gloating about it being 'his' turn for a lie in tomorrow!' Cheeky, or what?! )

have a nice lie in!

Sorry Mrsmaidamess, I didn't see your post till this morning. I agree there is an element of that going on here, but what has been annoying me is that I haven't seem much interaction at all on dh's part with the dses -- in the house, on his own terms, or not.

Having said that, we were talking about the soccatots thing last night and he commented that he already feels closer to ds1 just after 2 weeks (and there was a really obvious rift between them before).

Anyway. More acceptance from me, less moaning.

hello...
i came on here to start EXACTLY the same thread... you have had a lot of good advice oregonian but as i am in your situation (or very similar) i find it hard to be as forgiving and objective as the others... in fact i want to lock your dh and mine in a room and shout at them till they get their act together!!!!

do you find you end up resenting your dh enormously? and he you? because this seems to be the problem with us, more and more. i am so tired of always organising everything, lunch dinner, paying the bills, social stuff (what little we do), holidays, presents for his mum, clothes and shoes and toys and books and parties for the children, weekends etc... it's got to the point now where i wake up on sunday morning already tense, because i KNOW he is not going to organise/propose anything and i will go crazy with it. i have started to really hate weekends. the only thing he seems to want to do is go to the gym, otherwise i cant remember hte last time he planned and executed anything.

and even if he does express a desire to do something... he can't plan around it, ie when and what the dds should eat, etc. and i feel more and more like I am the family's PA, and while i am good at organising stuff and i love it, i have simply had enough. i don't want my life to be like this.

my mum was here visiting for a week, so perfect chance for us to go out while she babysits, he hasn't expressed a single desire to do anything, we've been to the theatre one night (on my suggestion) but that's it. and every night i have waited for him to propose something, and every night he hasn't, and every night i have resented him a little more.

I love him dearly, he is a wonderful, kind, loving man, full of good qualities and a truly great father, he has made my life so happy, but i don't know if i can live the rest of my life with someone who has so little enthusiasm for life.

whenever we talk about this we end up rowing and yesterday he accused me of it being all my fault, that he is "burnt out" trying to always please me and always bracing for my next disapproving nag.

sorry for hijacking your thread, but i am feeling really miserable about this situation, i spent the whole afternoon crying yesterday and i could have died in shame when dd1 (3!) came to comfort me with the words "don't cry mummy and be good to daddy ok?"

beforesunrise....

I!!!!!!!
KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you were at a low point yesterday -- me too, actually! It is sooo exasperating, isn't it? A couple of years ago we were on holiday and had what we refer to in our household as a 'divorce row' (i.e. not your bog standard, daily irritation row, but a full-on, mega heavy, make or break type row), and I said to him, 'I just can't imagine having the same row with you every single weekend till one of us dies!'

That was 2 years ago... and we still have this same issue. It's never going to go away, so as others have suggested, we just have to accept our role and get on with it.

And there must be some parts of us that secretly love some parts of our family role: Like with the presents. At Christmas time I was having a martyr strop about how much I do (especially where his family are concerned -- 5 nieces, 3 siblings + partners, and his parents), and he righlty pointed out that a. I actually enjoy finding nice presents for people, and b. if I 'let' him do it, I wouldn't like what he chose.

I guess the trick is to focus on what we love about them, and what elements of our role give us pleasure. It's our dses b-day soon, and I am quite looking forward to the 'organising' bit. Will just make sure I try to delegate things in a nicer way, while also making sure we are actually sharing the workload.

I hope that helps. Please keep coming on here to talk if that is helpful to you, I find it really nice knowing there is someone else around that knows exactly what I mean!

(And we can have a good moan at the same time!!

beforesunrise... you about? things any better?

Hi Oregonian.

Some of what you say rings a bell with me although my DH and I don't really row. He takes my points more seriously when I put them in other ways which is a shame because I think a good row every 6 months is actually quite healthy!

DH is naturally laidback and I like to organise things. We seem to have found harmony by accepting our natural roles as mentioned earlier on this thread. I do consult him alot but he's usually happy with the decisions I've made or doesn't have the energy to come up with anything better!

However I can't organise everything so sometimes I have to sit back and watch him muddle through. We need to buy a new car and we decided in October that he would research, go round the car dealerships and decide what we will buy (I don't care really as long as the whole family can fit in!) and I will just come with him when we negotiate the price because I am better at figures. He still doesn't know what he wants!

DH really enjoys it when we do things with other friends with children but if I don't organise anything, he would never pick up the phone or email anyone!

He did one of those tests at work which labelled him as a natural team player. He definitely prefers to follow than to lead.

HI Otherside,

Thanks for your post. Doesn't it drive you crazy waiting for him to follow through though? I usually do our holiday bookings and stuff, and usually he complains (long-standing pattern), till I get fed up and shout, 'fine! you do it then!' and wait, and wait, and wait... and then do it myself at the last minute.

But, I suppose, the key might be to agree beforehand who is going to take responsibility, like you seem to -- that's helpful.

I find myself using HTTSKWL.. with him all the time, do you?

Hi,
I'm sort of on the other side of the fench. Dh has loads of energy and is always on the go. I'm much more laid back and have always got all my stuff done 'just in time'. aka last minute rush around.

He drives me MAD every weekend when he comes bounding up and wanting to do this that and the other. The very sight of all his energy saps mine away instantly and puts me in a total no-action loop. I'm much better on the week days when he's away at work and I'm doing things with the kids all day. I start off slower but get there in the end. Sometimes, don't get there but hey ho...

Not exactly your situation though. He's the more social one but I'm the one who books all the holidays. I tend to plan activities in advance for him too just to get him out of my hair!

Thanks sweetgrapes. Sometimes I see the look of dread on my dh's face as I come bounding up, brimming with enthusiasm for my latest scheme! I know it's because he's drained, and can't face any more of my crackpot ideas.

But, the crackpot ideas are what make me get uup in the morning! If I haven't got at least 10 projects on the go, I start to feel a little restless.

It used to wind me up a lot more but I guess the planning ahead is our solution. It just evolved rather than sitting down having at family meeting HTTSKWL style.

Eg with Christmas we'll discuss what gift ideas we have for both sides of the family and who is going to order it online/go to the shop and by when.

I trust him to follow through eventually and when time is an issue we do agree deadlines.

With the car as long as the old one doesn't need any major repairs, it's not a problem that it takes him time. It's very interesting to see how much time it is taking.

do you mean, if you were the one doing the buying, it would be on the drive by now?

With us, though, it is also a problem of communication both our cars are getting old, and if we plan to replace, we need to look at our finances and work out how we can pay for it and when but we never even seem to get that far without a massive row (forgot to mention, our 2nd biggest row is about money).

I am sure that I would have bought a car by now but I am not intersted in them at all and I think DH will make a better choice in the end. Decisions nevery come easy to him, especially when thousands of euros are involved!

I've never really got rows about money. Does it come from not having the same priorities?

When we didn't have any spare money, we always had the same priorities and agreed on what we should go without so there was never anything to argue about.

Yes, excatly.

My priorities are crackpot projects and frivolities (although I am not a big spender and am generally good about budgeting); his are saving, saving, saving. He is generally a lot more cautious than I am (which is not a bad thig).

Sometimes it feels like we are rowing just for the sake of it.

Reviving this as it is not getting much better... new problems emerge as the week grows more stressful.

I don't know if we can be happy together anymore????

Oh oregonianabroad, am sorry to read this. Wish I could think of something constructive. for you both - hope you find a way through it.

Thanks choosyfloosy. Am just having a low moment. I assume every partnership has these moments.