I messed up my dw's birthday and it feels like I'm messing up my whole life!

[FelixCastor]

Hi - I'm the dh of an ex-MNer, have namechanged to protect her identity although I don't think she posts on here anymore.

I'm incredibly unhappy at the moment, mainly because of my job which is slowly driving me mad. I work very long hours and feel like I spend a lot of time stuck in traffic getting to and from work. The people I work with are just not my type of people (think very sales-oriented, high male ego types and you're halfway there) and I struggle to identify with them at all. The desk I work at is little more than a small shelf and there's no natural daylight coming into the office. Yesterday a whole load of shelves (which had been screwed into plasterboard) came down. Luckily no-one was hurt but they very easily could have been.

Before anyone says anything about health and safety, or proper working conditions, I have to tell you that these things just don't matter to my employers. There have been a couple of times when other people have spoken up about various issues and the next day they are just gone. No notice, no warning, they just get disappeared. And yes, I'm sure all these people could take the bosses to a tribunal, but I can't run the risk of losing my job and going through a lengthy tribunal (which even if I win there is no guarantee I will get any money out of the company!) when I have a mortgage to pay and a family to support.

We have 1 ds together, who is 2, and another baby due on Monday - but who has been threatening to come for the past couple of weeks! We thought she was going to turn up on Tuesday - dw was getting very regular and painful contractions but not dilating at all. I went back to work on Wednesday when it became clear that things weren't happening.

Wednesday was also my dw's birthday. In all the kerfuffle over whether the new baby was going to come, I didn't do anything for it. My dw was very upset by this but didn't really say anything at the time. I ordered her a present off Amazon (which was stuff she'd given me a list for - so not exactly a surprise for her!) which came today but she hasn''t even opened it.

Today she's been really upset - she made the point that her work colleagues made more of an effort over her birthday than I did. They sent her a card and an NHS form (which I can only assume is an in-joke of some description!) and she made the point that it wouldn't have taken me much effort to get ds to scribble on a piece of paper and write "Happy Birthday" on the top. She was really upset and crying. I know some of that is going to be hormones - she's nearly 40 weeks pregnant, after all, but I do feel very bad that I didn't do anything. I got her some flowers yesterday but because I'd had such a bad day at work it didn't quite come out the way I'd planned and she told me she felt like I'd just chucked them at her and then been in a grump all evening (which is not entirely inaccurate).

The thing is, I know she's right and I feel like I'm failing my whole family by not being more happy when I'm at home - but I'm so miserable generally I just don't have the energy spare to be jolly happy daddy/husband. I love my family dearly and I want to be better - I just don't know how.

She is heavily pregnant - nothing you do will cheer he up.

Buy her somthing lovely (jewelery?) as a present when the baby arives, and tell her how fabulous she is for having "given" you 2 fabulous children.

And try to look for another job.

Didnt want not to answer, have you told her how you feel . Tell her how sorry you are for not doing anything special and the reasons why .Maybe you could have a night out together, take you chances that the baby doesnt come during dinner. Spoil her like crazy when the baby comes and maybe give her a late birthday treat after the baby has been born .
Can you talk to someone about your work situation if you dont want to worry your wife.

If I was the DW and my DH were to post this, I would be so pleased to know he felt that strongly. My DH is the strong silent type who loves us all deeply, but secretly quietly.

I think you should open up and tell her how you feel, and just tell her how much you love her. IMO, make it more about 'her' and not the children. Like Lynette said, a lovely present when the baby arrives would be great. She sounds like me, in that its not about the money, just the thought. Buy her a really nice card, and write something lovely in it.

Good luck.

Please don't flagellate yourself about this. She is heavily pregnant. You probably could have bought her a piece of jewellery from Tiffany and she would have been unhappy.

Admittedly you could have got her some flowers and made more of an effort, hiowever it is understandable that you are otherwise occupied and 'did not think'. When you are very unhappy in a job it is absolutely all consuming, and it does tend to take over. You must also feel very hesitant about talking to your wife about it as she is obviously heavily pregnant and also you have a toddler, of course you don't want her to worry. But I think you should say that you are unhappy about your job.

However, being unhappy does tend to make you feel completely lethargic and reluctant to actually do something to change it. I am currently in a job I hate but it is only recently that I have actually picked myself up and applied for jobs etc, instead of making excuses (too tired, what's the point etc).

Also, you can't underestimate how bloody knackering long commutes are. They do feel like wasted time and it doesn't help your feeling of unhappiness.

Try to spend some time in the evning looking for other jobs, tidying up your CV, speaking to recruitment agencies if appropriate, etc. Easier said than done though, but you need to try and fix your job situation. You spend at least 40 hours a week in your job, and if you don't enjpy that it will seep through and affect other parts of your life, as you know.

I would show your wife this thread, tbh. It would be good to show her that you do cherish her, even if you haven't shown it for her bithday.

We did have a long "conversation" (row) this morning, which ended with her in floods of tears. I have told her my reasons but the thing is that I'm telling her all the time how unhappy and angry I am, and why I'm a nightmare to be around. I should imagine she's sick of hearing about it tbh.

There's no-one else I can talk to. That's why I'm on here.

That first sentence of my last post reads really flippantly, I dodn't mean it as heartlessly as it sounds

Talk to her! Sure she is full of hormones but she will just want to feel that you are there with her in spirit not just in body!! That was my experience anyway!! My dp told me he couldn't come to the hospital to see me and our newborn untill he had tidied the house!! He was worried about what I would say about the state of the house but I only cared about us being together as a new family!! Just tell her what you've told us, you love them and want to be with them!

I have been looking for other jobs, btw, since before Xmas. I had a couple of interviews but because I'm in such a bad place I just fucked them up and obviously didn't get the job.

Just had a whole load of work thrown at me - and had half the office copied in on an email which was having a go at me. I really want to just quit but I physically can't. I told dw about this, and she says I should make an emergency appointment to see the GP this afternoon, get signed off sick with stress and then if they sack me take them to a tribunal. But the thought fills me with utter dread.

GetOrfMyLand - she told me this morning that I could have scribbled on a piece of toilet paper and bought her a Mars Bar and that would have been enough.

She's really not the Tiffany diamond type - she doesn't even wear jewellry most of the time (except her wedding ring).

That was my guess- its just about the thought. Like I said buy her a nice card but write something lovely in it. Do it today! Don't do what my DH did and buy me a babygro for valentines day- was not appreciated.

If everytime you try to talk about it it ends up as a row why don't you try to write it down. Apologise for the birthday and suggest that you make it up to her after the baby has arrived by taking her out for the night (obviously this will have to wait until she is happy to leave the new baby). Your original post was very heartfelt and that may not be coming across to her when you talk to her because you are tired and grumpy, so writing it may make her feel what you are trying to say.

I am sue you know you have to tread on eggshells at the moment. She is liable to be upset whilst being so heavily pregnant. Is she sleeping? And does she have a good support network of friends and family.

It is also very important for you tochat to someone else about the problems you are having. Is there really nobody you could talk to?

Your work sounds like a shambles. have you looked elsewhere?

Oh, Felix! I am so for you and your DW. Is there really no-one that can listen to you? Do you have anyone who would look after DC while you give DW a lovely evening of being number 1? You could get one of those special microwave meals from M&S or even Tesco's for about £10, some choccies, a DVD she wants to see, get her a card, not birthday, but an ' I Love You' type of card, give her some lovely bath stuff and massage oil and offer to give her a massage or a back rub. Buy her an iPod and fill it with all the songs that are so special to you both and that will tell her, better than you probably, just how much you love her. Really, really, pamper her. I am sure she is taking it worse because she is very hormonal at the moment, and also, just a bit scared of how it will be during labour etc. For the whole evening, try not to tell her anything negative about you or your feelings, make it truly her night.

However, I do understand how you feel about your job. Sometimes DH is the same. Is there any possibility of a move? It may be hard at the moment but is it something you could be planning for when things are a bit better in the economy? I think somehow you are going to have to find a way of dealing with this situation because otherwise you could end up becoming ill and nobody would ever wish that on you.

I truly hope you manage to sort this out.

How about getting a nice photo frame, putting a photo of you as a family in it and writing something in a card about how you are proud of her giving you a lovely son and that you are looking forward to the next addition to your family?

GetOrfMyLand - she does have a few very good friends around her. Her closest friend was going to take her for a manicure today (which she'd asked me to get her for a birthday treat but I left it too late, and didn't know what I was looking for) but the friend is in hospital with her own baby who has a bad tummy bug - so I'm sure she's upset about that too, and of course worried for her friend's baby.

I really don't have anyone to talk to. Dw has suggested I talk to the husband of the friend above (if you're following me) but we haven't known them for long - dw and her friend seem to have "clicked" instantly but it doesn't work that way for me.

I have been looking for other jobs, really, but as I'm sure you're aware it's not the best time and even though I'd be willing to take a pay cut there just isn't that much out there.

You do come across and genuinely very stressed. Please don't kick yourself about the interviews going badly, you really do need to look at those interviews not as failures, but as learning tools for the next interviews you gain, iyswim. Easier said than doen and it sounds as if you are in a viscious circle of lack of confidence and fear of failure.

I think it may be worth going to see your doctor and at least it will be someone that you can talk to impartially about how stressed you are feeling. You don't necessarily have to get signed off, you can discuss options. You do need to get out of that job though, it sounds poisonous. Please keep trying

Felix: you messed up for her birthday. End of. Nothing you can do now will put that right BUT get organised so that you don't mess up for the birth. What did you do right/wrong last time? Start planning now!! (if you haven't already).

OK, you are suffering with terrible work conditions and stress, possibly a bit depressed. Don't make a big deal about this with your DW, but do go to the GP and talk it over - there may be a treatment that could really help. Carry on with the job search - I know it's not easy at the moment, but I've always found that just knowing you are applying feels like there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Then go to your wife and tell the truth - you thought the baby would be coming, you were in a tizz and you messed up her birthday big-style. You are so, so sorry and you do really care, and you failed to show it because of your own worries. Admit that that is NOT acceptable and promise to make it up to her - and do - by doing as much as you can after the birth, getting her a present then, and I would also get her a proper birthday present in a few weeks when it has blown over a bit (something for her that is nothing to do with babies etc.) This all doesn't have to involve lots of money, just careful thought about what she's really like.

I know you are laying your own woes on her and that is not what she needs at all. It is a very hard time for you both - a lot of stresses and not enough compassion and care to go around. But it happens and you can come out of the other side. If you can get some counselling for your stress, or arrange to see a friend or family member to offload your feelings (obviously not leaving your 40-weeks pg wife in the lurch, but when there is time) that might also help things between you.

I think you are doing well to understand what's going on and be genuinely sorry - but you do have to communicate all this openly and caringly to her too.

I get the birthday thing - I think it would have been nice to make a bit more of an effort. I agree you can probably make up for this when the baby arrives.
I wonder if she might understand how much pressure you are under and how much you want to get things right if she read what you have written on here. Sometimes its hard to hear things people say without automatically jumping down their throats but seeing something in writing might help her to understand.
Good luck.

What area of work are you in btw?

Poor you not having anyone to talk to. You must feel very isolated.

I must admit I did giggle about you not knowing what to do re manicure. If I asked my DP to book me a manicure he would be completely and utterly clueless, that doesn't make him or you useless, just typical blokes!

Could you ask one of your DW's other friends to help you plan or book something, like a spa day. they would know instinctively what you wife would like and will save you the confusion of actually deciding something. I am sure they would be delighted to help.

that should have been "what she'd really like..."

I work in PR.

Dw did suggest that I recruit one of her friends to help me book a pampering session but like so many things it just didn't happen because my head was so full up with other stuff.

You really sound like my dp! He's totally miserable in his job, and angry and fed up all the time because he hates it so much. Do you think you could be depressed? He kept going until he had a breakdown, and then HAD to stop.

I think you need a plan, for yourself. Are there other things you'd like to do with your life, jobwise? Maybe you could think about either seeing a counsellor, or a lifecoach, or therapist - or someone you can talk to and try to work out what it is you need to do to get back on track. It seems that it's quite simple if it's your job making you so miserable - I know the market is terrible, but maybe there's a way around it you've not thought of yet - a different avenue. You won't be able to make these changes if you're depressed though, so maybe speaking to your GP first would be a good idea. I wish you all lots of luck and strength.

Boco - what I'd really like to do is start up my own business, a bookshop or similar. The trouble is, obviously this takes money and capital and the economy is just not right for it at the moment.

I know that I need to find a new job, and I really am working on that - as someone else said it can be the light at the end of the tunnel. But what I'm struggling with is this big weight of hopelessness and feeling like I have no time for myself at all. I mean, I get home at 7 (having been on the road for an hour), eat dinner, do bathtime with ds and then I usually put him to bed too, but that means I fall asleep while I'm putting him to bed - and then my whole evening's gone. Dw really struggles putting him to bed at the moment because it makes her very uncomfortable to sit with him.

Oh dear. I do feel for you. I do not know what to say, other I think instinctively that you are depressed - obviously I am not a doctor but I really do think that it can't hurt to go and see one.

Obviously it would be so stressful to start up your own business, it is a wonderful thing to aim for but I think smaller steps to begin with, say another job first which you enjoy, so you will be able to make plans because you will be happier.