I messed up my dw's birthday and it feels like I'm messing up my whole life!

[FelixCastor]

Hi - I'm the dh of an ex-MNer, have namechanged to protect her identity although I don't think she posts on here anymore.

I'm incredibly unhappy at the moment, mainly because of my job which is slowly driving me mad. I work very long hours and feel like I spend a lot of time stuck in traffic getting to and from work. The people I work with are just not my type of people (think very sales-oriented, high male ego types and you're halfway there) and I struggle to identify with them at all. The desk I work at is little more than a small shelf and there's no natural daylight coming into the office. Yesterday a whole load of shelves (which had been screwed into plasterboard) came down. Luckily no-one was hurt but they very easily could have been.

Before anyone says anything about health and safety, or proper working conditions, I have to tell you that these things just don't matter to my employers. There have been a couple of times when other people have spoken up about various issues and the next day they are just gone. No notice, no warning, they just get disappeared. And yes, I'm sure all these people could take the bosses to a tribunal, but I can't run the risk of losing my job and going through a lengthy tribunal (which even if I win there is no guarantee I will get any money out of the company!) when I have a mortgage to pay and a family to support.

We have 1 ds together, who is 2, and another baby due on Monday - but who has been threatening to come for the past couple of weeks! We thought she was going to turn up on Tuesday - dw was getting very regular and painful contractions but not dilating at all. I went back to work on Wednesday when it became clear that things weren't happening.

Wednesday was also my dw's birthday. In all the kerfuffle over whether the new baby was going to come, I didn't do anything for it. My dw was very upset by this but didn't really say anything at the time. I ordered her a present off Amazon (which was stuff she'd given me a list for - so not exactly a surprise for her!) which came today but she hasn''t even opened it.

Today she's been really upset - she made the point that her work colleagues made more of an effort over her birthday than I did. They sent her a card and an NHS form (which I can only assume is an in-joke of some description!) and she made the point that it wouldn't have taken me much effort to get ds to scribble on a piece of paper and write "Happy Birthday" on the top. She was really upset and crying. I know some of that is going to be hormones - she's nearly 40 weeks pregnant, after all, but I do feel very bad that I didn't do anything. I got her some flowers yesterday but because I'd had such a bad day at work it didn't quite come out the way I'd planned and she told me she felt like I'd just chucked them at her and then been in a grump all evening (which is not entirely inaccurate).

The thing is, I know she's right and I feel like I'm failing my whole family by not being more happy when I'm at home - but I'm so miserable generally I just don't have the energy spare to be jolly happy daddy/husband. I love my family dearly and I want to be better - I just don't know how.

Felix: you need a break from work and your DW will need you at home. Have you sorted out paid paternity leave with your employer?

Have you got paternity leave planned?

Ok so the market isn't right atm, but at some point it could be, and you need to be moving towards something. Time is very hard - for dp he said exactly the same as you - and with little ones it's SO hard to find space and time, and you always sound selfish being the one to ask for it, even though I now realise that if the person is miserable, then not giving them time makes everything worse.

My dp used to come home from work and go straight out into the garden and dig for an hour before he came in - to work out all his frustration I guess. And I'd be holding the newborn and two year old and scowling from the window!

Now, his way out is writing. He makes time from when the girls are in bed, and goes and writes. I don't know if he'll ever finish it or do anything with it, but it keeps him feeling like himself, and it's very important to him.

I know with the ages your children are now, it's hard, but try to get just a bit of time to work towards whatever it is that you want.

What about a lifecoach? Sometimes you can get ones who do it for free when they're training - I did this, and it's really good for focusing what's important and might make you feel like you're moving instead of staying stuck.

Text or email her right now and tell her that you love her. And add something special, an in-joke between the two of you or a reminder of a special time in your life.

Speak to her about being unhappy and see if you can find some way of letting off steam. My DH does this by going running or taking the DC to the park/swimming.

Forgetting to do something for her birthday is not good, but forgivable under the circumstances.

Don't rush out and spend extravagantly on some bit of jewelery. Think long and hard about something that she will really appreciate. The photoframe was a good idea.

Does she have any hobbies? What does she like to do?

Also I know it is more to do, but keep a careful diary of dodgy things that happen at work. It might actually be worth your while making a complaint, getting kicked out and suing for dismissal (and the same goes for taking the paternity leave you are entitled to) and possibly getting a payout, which would give you some capital. Do you have a full employment contract and history there (eg you are not working on a freelance basis) - if so you are entitled to a safe work environment and benefits etc. And if they don't care, you can make the law make them care.

You are right that a bookshop would take capital to get up and running up but what about starting small with an e-bay presence? It won't cost much and you should be able to fit it in whilst you are still empoyed. If it takes off then you can dump the day job (I have known others who have made a living this way).

Re manicures etc. Look on the web/yellow pages for beauty therapists and beauty salons in your area, or just ask a female friend or colleague to recommend one. Phone them and say "I am a clueless man, I want to treat my wife and I know she would like a manicure/pedicure, she is heavily pg/about to give birth, what can you suggest, please help me!" They want your business, don't be scared of them! You could even ask if there is anyone who could do a home visit manicure and pedicure.

Hi - I'm really sorry but I have to rush off. Thank you for all your replies - I'll check back later and try and address some individual points.

Hi Felix - not sure I've got much to add to the other wise words, but wanted to send you some virtual moral support.

You sound like a lovely, lovely man who is going through a very bad patch. From what you have said here, it does sound as if you may be depressed/heading for a breakdown. The sense of being overwhelmed, hopeless and tired are familiar to me from personal experience, and are pretty classic symptoms. So definitely get yourself to the GP, and if you can afford it, I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist of some kind. I think you could find it would really help you to firm up your plans for the future with respect to work.

But as others have said, what your DW really needs most now is your support for the birth, if you can manage it. Try to focus your energies on that, but also, don't beat yourself up about what you can't manage to do. FWIW, I am 38.5 weeks pregnant, and DH had a really horrible bug a few weeks back which made him, temporarily, completely unable to provide me with the support that he normally does. It did freak me out, as a nervous first time mum, as it made me realise how much I count on his support. I wonder if your DW could be worried that, her normally thoughtful and lovely DH (who I suspect normally organises lovely birthdays, and pulls more than his weight around the house) is behaving out of character at a time when she really feels she needs you most.

You say that she has suggested you go to the GP. I think it would go a long way if you did what she asked, and got the help you need.

Best of luck Felix, and let us know how you get on.

Talking of therapists - a positive thing to do to start to make you feel better about life in general is to make a list every day with positive things on it. Start with making a list of 20 things. You may think it would be impossible to think of 20 good things right now but believe me they are there. For expample, 1. you have a lovely wife, 2. you have a gorgeous ds, 3. you have another baby on the way to cherish and love, 4. You have a nice home, 5. you have a car to get you from a to b - there you're quarter of the way there and I don't even know you!! Make a list every day - the list can have a few of the same things on it but you'll find the more you do this the more things yu will see around you. Make the list longer the easier it gets - the list will be reaching 50 before you know it!! Only you can let things get to you - its hard I know when you have such a degrading job to feel any confidence about yourself but you have the ability to make yourself feel stronger, ask for help from wherever you feel is appropriate and you WILL be more in control of your life.

Can't you just try and keep a lid on your problems at work at the moment- your wife is about to have a baby- there's nothing bigger or more important than that is there? She really doesn't need you burdening her right now with problems- you should be telling her how excited and happy you are about the new arrival!!!!

Maybe I am a bit harsh here but if my DP didn't make much effort on my birthday when pregnant I would be like 'Yes I understand the fact that you were preoccupied but my birthday is the same day EVERY year it's not like you weren't expecting it. A bit of forward planning wouldn't have gone a miss'

My advice would be to be as nice as humanly possible to your lovely wife and if you need a good moan then come on here and moan. I would try and cope as best you can with the work issues at the moment and then maybe look into addressing them in the summer when everything has calmed down a bit.

Sending you happy and strong 'I will cope' vibes

Could you cook a nice meal for her tonight or get a takeaway?

Forgetting her birthday is never never never going to be excusable and blaming her pg hormones for being upset only makes it work. Birthday's come round every year - you had a year since the last one to think of something!!!!! Talk to her tell you are sorry and for heavens sake make it up to her before the new baby arrives - she needs to know she is a person in her own right not just a pregnant mum, and that's something you can do for her and be successful at.

Commuting and work are hard, your wife has no time to herself either - she doesn't even have her own body to herself at the moment.

What you are describing work, dinner, bath, bed is most familys normal life! What would you do if you had an extra hour? Can you make time saturday mornings for yourself - taking it in turns with your wife?

batten down the hatches until the new baby arrives and then look for a new job, closer to home to cut the commute.

FelixCastor: any updates? i've just read your thread and it was freaky as is a very very similar situation between me and my dh, if you're still lurking, add a message, i could pop some suggestions on from my perspective with issues me and dh have had that might be of some help?

Felix, just wanted to give you a very unmumsnetty hug - you are under a lot of pressure thats for sure. Your DW will be feeling this with and for you too. Shame about her birthday, but whats done is done - i would wait until your new arrival comes, things settle and maybe go and buy her something lovely - an eternity ring - doesn't have to be expensive, but this apprently is traditional once you have had a child. But you sound like you really are in a bad place just now - i would get yourself along to the doctors and get some help for this - Counselling because you have very low self esteem, Anti depressants to get you out of the rut (maybe). But please don't bottle this all up, its damaging.

Reading through your post you could be my son-in-law, looking at the detail in the OP I think you are my son-in-law.
I would like to say a few things, some of which have already been said by other people.
Millions of people work only for the salary cheque at the end of the month, just so they can pay the mortgage. That's sad, but it is a fact of life. You are doing an excellent job of bringing home the bacon and I think you do a very good job for your employer, who is treating you in a shameful and unlawful way.
But, could you please try at least not to talk about how unhappy you are. It may be true, but it just doesn't help anybody to keep saying it. Once you leave the office, make an effort to switch off and don't say a word about it. The situation cannot be helped, so put up with it.
As someone else has already said, make a diary of all the things that are wrong with your workplace and send them (anonymously) to the Health and Safety Executive.
Start looking away from yourself and start looking out for things that you can do at home:- are there toys to tidy up, washing up to be done, ask what you can do to make life easier at home. You say you want to improve and I believe you.
But the more you look at your own misery, the more miserable you will get and the more miserable your home life is going to be.
Pretend to be happy and eventually you might even become happy.
Best of luck

Hiya i'm only up the road if I can do anything just ask!!

Where you slipped up is doing something for her birthday in the past. My DH started as he meant to go on (and it works both ways). No Valentines, no birthday presents, one Xmas present each for the sake of DS. We've been married 10 years and I don't resent it. I think many women get far too hung up about these things, because if you know your DH loves you (and I know mine does) then presents etc. just don't matter that much. Having DH work all afternoon to dig us out of the snow just so I can get to work the next day - that is love in my book. Although, having said that it did inexplicably start to bother me this V day - not sure why.

I'm being a bit flippant though. I strongly suspect that hormones, tiredness and general physical discomfort will be playing a huge part in how your DW is feeling. And you sound like a lovely DH (very like mine actually). If I was 40 weeks pg I'd be wondering...

You have had a bad few months at work. She is pregnant. You will never be able to do anything right no matter what you do! Don't beat yourself up. Take it on the chin and generally grovel for a while. Be a man ffs, grab a few hours with the boys and cut loose! Spoil her a few days before - never after because you will be covering up something!

I think you should stop telling her how awful work is, she knows and you are right that she's probably is a bit sick of it specially if every time she says she's unhappy you just respond with how awful your life is. Not meaning to negate how awful things are for you but if the conversation always ends up with you defending yourself by telling her how terrible you feel then it could seem like you just aren't listening.

Don't just grovel, you need to speak to her in ways which say 'I know you are unhappy and I am sorry that I have somehow added to that unhappiness, how can we both make things a bit happier?' rather than 'yes but I am unhappy too'.

listen to her, talk to her without accusation.

well seems to me that she does suggest things that you can do for her but you don't seem to do them because your 'head is full of other stuff'. so i'd suggest that you do organize something that she's asked you to do.

you sound depressed to me. and quite rightly - your situation sounds awful.

you DO need to get another job, but you seem to be sabotaging yourself. why? have you left it too long in this awful job? you need to get yourself in a positive frame of mind and then just do it.

I had to reply, your posts have made me feel so you sound like my dh, who is the nicest most fantastic dh n the world, sometimes I am really grumpy when he gets home late, not because I dont undersatnd that he has a hard time but because I have been on my own for 11 hours with 2 small children for company and I am lonely and I miss him.
I know you have a heavily pregnant dw and a busy job but you need to take 30mins for youself, nobody can be thinking of other things the whole time, you do sound depressed, I am fairly sue my dh is too but he will not admit it.
good l;uck with the baby and remember the next few months at home are no true reflection of anything expect tirdeness.

Expectantdad 'You will never be able to do anything right no matter what you do!'

That's completely the wrong attitude to take. Of course you can do something right- give her a whole day off from housework, childcare etc at the weekend- I am 100% certain that this would be appreciated.

FelixCastor, when you are thinking aobout improving your work situation, really forget about a bookshop. sorry to be negative, but I am thinking of you and yur life and it is really a terrible idea.

There is a lovely man with an independent bookshop near me - very thoughtful stock, lovely little premises, works very hard - and it is so doomed and every time I go in there it breaks my heart and I worry about his wife and family too. PHe can't make money, his stock is getting visibly old, people go in there to look at the books and ask his advice and then order on amazon.

Just read this too.

Sorry if this seems like a derail, but it's really about you, your wife, your family, and all your happiness: please forget about the bookshop.

(I hope that this recession will indirectly challenge the dominance of the big retailers that has led to this. but first, nearly everyone will go bust.)

i agree - bookshop is very difficult to keep going. our local independent bookshop is sponsored by a resident otherwise he wouldn't be able to stay open. it's not a stress-free, money-spinning alternative.