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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hard decision to make

60 replies

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 14:44

For the last 5 months I have been seeing a guy who has for the last 5 months told me more lies than I thought possible. It all got to much and I ended back last weekend after giving him the chance to come clean. The lies were all pretty pointless and I dont knwo what he got out of it but they were lies anyway. Im a single mum with two lovely little girls. His family life has always been a bit strange, they are very wealthy but not close, it turns out he didnt actually have anything, no house, no job nothing. On the weekend just gone he took an overdose. He has been diagnosed as having a nervous breakdown which in turn has possibly caused him to lie so much. I have now met up with his parents and all together we are trying to help him, i.e. get him somewhere to rent, help him find a job, some counselling etc. He is a really lovely person apart from the lies that he has told. I seem to be getting a lot of grief from my friends saying he doesnt deserve another chance, but he only has me other than his parents and dont feel like I can walk away. I cant bear seeing people suffer and to try and kill yourself I think is a big cry for help. Can anyone give me some advice? He is not a threat to my children and I will never put them in any danger whatsoever, can someone like that change??

OP posts:
nkf · 18/02/2009 14:47

He sounds like a complete waste of space to me. Sorry, I know that sounds blunt and mean spirited. But there are men out there who don't tell pointless lies and who are worth your energy. I don't think it's about chances, second or otherwise. I think it's about makign a good a life for yourself and your daughters. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

prettyfly1 · 18/02/2009 14:47

ys they can. My ex was like this. It is symptomatic of extreme low self esteem. He is now doing well. However. You cannot be with him whilst he sorts himself out. You can support him but make it clear it is as a friend and dont take on too much or give false hope.

fattiemumma · 18/02/2009 14:47

He does need an awfull lot of help but im afraid unless you see yourself being with him forever more then i would leave now.

Nabster · 18/02/2009 14:49

Don't listen to your friends. They might mean well but they are not you. Did you still want to be with him before he took the overdose? What I mean is, don't be influenced by that.

Flightattendant27 · 18/02/2009 14:50

Sorry, but you need to be looking after your children and he just sounds like another child iyswim - he's got the potential to change of course with the right (professional) help, but until he's made it through this then you can't be his girlfriend without risking an awful lot.

Once he is well again then fine - but meantime your children need your energy. He is NOT your responsibility, he needs professional help, you can't change him or help him apart from being a good friend.

Start afresh once he has made a lot of progress. Best of luck to him - remember your children have no one else, they need you and you owe them your care and energy, not him. x

KingCanuteIAm · 18/02/2009 14:51

It sounds like there is more to this than just a simple lier. I would feel like you but my advice to you would be to stand back a little and make sure you keep a sharp eye on how it is affecting you and for any backsliding on his part as you try to help him through.

Do your friends know more about this? perhaps they have reason to feel he is slightly worse than you seem to think?

Above all though, do not feel responsible because he has "no-one else" it is his situation and his problem, if you choose to stay and help then that is great but you are not expected to, it is not your job.

Original poster
Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 14:53

I dont know why but I just dont seem to have any luck with men, as far as I can see there is nothing wrong (well not too wrong with me), I have a nice house, two lovely children, I work part time and have lots of friends around me. He has done some bad things lately mainly the lies but after this weekend he seems to want to change and is continually saying thank you to me for being there. He knows we are nothing more than friends and I havent said anything to make him think that there is more it. I just dont know how long I should help him for, my feelings havent gone away for him (I wish they would) and I just dont know if I could trust him even again

OP posts:
Lulumama · 18/02/2009 14:54

you hvae been with him 5 months,m you don;t have children with him and unless you saw yourself being with him forever , i would end things. he will need a lot of care and nurture and support to get over this, and it is not to say he won;t resume his lying and deceit even when he is recovered.

if he has no house, no job that might be part of his illness, or he might be lazy

i think on balance, bearing in mind you have been with him such a short time, it might be better for you and your girls to break things off

you can;'t be with him because you feel sorry for him

Flightattendant27 · 18/02/2009 14:58

Sorry if this sounds personal but was your dad a bit unreliable? I ask because often we might choose men with problems because something within us drives us to - often our dads weren't very good or something, and we felt it was down to us to keep trying to fix them.

Aside from that - any man you have trouble trusting is likely to be a bad bet, I wouldn't date someone properly (ie involve them in my children's lives) now unless I trusted them completely.

KingCanuteIAm · 18/02/2009 14:58

That is a big issue, if you can't see yourself trusting him then where are you thinking this will go? If that is the case then I suggest you are doing this out of a sense of responsibility - which is not a good reason IMO.

Original poster
Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 14:59

This basically started when he split up with his last girlfriend a while ago, he had everything but lost it all as he was living with her and her children but then she cheated on him and basically he fell apart. This has been going on for a year an to be honest I just dont think he could take any more as his family just dont seem interested. I do wish I never met him but I have and now I cant seem to walk away. His parents are putting the pressure on me to help him too as they dont live hear and to be honest I dont think they can be bothered. Im not letter him influence any of my decisions and since we have split up I have taken a step back and am there for him if needs to talk etc. Its just so hard.

OP posts:
dittany · 18/02/2009 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 18/02/2009 15:05

You say you've been seeing him for five months. And you say that he has been telling lies for five months. Can you honestly say that you know him? Seriously, I think you should leave him to sort himself out and go out on dates with other men.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 18/02/2009 15:05

Don't let his parents pressurize you into looking after this man: he is their responsiblity far more than he is yours. You are not a mental health care professional, nor are you married to this man, nor is he the father of your children: he's some bloke you dated for a while who wasn't much use to you.
OK so it sounds like his tiresome behaviour was not all his fault - if he is mentally ill he can't exactly help that - but that still doesn;t make him your problem.
Leave him to his family and the professionals, for your own sake and the sake of your DDs.

Original poster
Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:05

Ditanny, no I have always been brought up in an amazing family, my parents are still together and we are all very close. In the last two years I have split up from my partner of 10 years, had a year long relatinship with someone who then left after he decided he couldnt handle me having children with someone else and now this. Im a completely normal person really. My friends say I am too soft but my mum said she would have done the same. I just cant bear the thought of him suffering, he is not staying with me he is in the next town, I am just there for him more than anything at the moment.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 18/02/2009 15:06

Walk away NOW. You and your kids should be your main priority. His parents can help sort him out.

Flightattendant27 · 18/02/2009 15:06

Ok if it's reached the stage where you wish you had never met him, it's time to get angry - so it now - get him out of your life NOW as otherwise you will feel awful for a long time to come. He's doing you no favours, or your children, you feel obliged to him - for goodness sake get out of the hole while you can still see over the edge.

It's not going to get easier to leave him. Pretend you have a sick relative who needs your help, make obvious excuses not to be 'there for him' when he calls - honestly you do not need this. It's like a parasite.

I do speak from experience, it's much much harder to get out once it's been going on a while - as you know. Do it now, harden yourself a little bit and don't listen if he begs you or that kind of thing. You have a job already, it's called being a good mum, and he has no call on your resources.

Keep posting, let us know how you get on - but get him out of your lives, please..

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:09

oh my goodness, he sounds so damaged !

do you need this in your life, with 2 little girls to look after

you owe him no loyalty, you have known him 5 months and all he has done is lie to you

why do you feel obliged to prop him up and basically sort his life out? Does he have not will of his own?

he sounds awful actually, to fall apart so spectacularly in a new r'ship and blame much of his issues on how badly a previous gf treated him ???

there is nothing here for you that is healthy

run, run like the wind before he drags you down too

BitOfFun · 18/02/2009 15:09

You sound lovely - I would want to help too, but it might not be a great idea if you are still attracted to him. Can you withdraw gracefully, and check how he's doing by e-mail or phone?

Flightattendant27 · 18/02/2009 15:10

Lianne,

You must realise that by staying in the relationship (however much it's just 'friends') you are possibly making him worse - i mean if you're shouldering some of his problems, he won't make the effort to get the help he needs or make changes to his own life.

You're enabling the behaviour - you're allowing it, putting up with it, etc etc. As long as he has someone willing to do this he isn't going to get well.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're letting him disregard your needs and feelings in favour of his own.
That isn't good for him and it sure isn't good for you.
Don't be a doormat. It doesn't stop him suffering. It doesn't help him get better.

Original poster
Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:13

The thing is we only split up a couple of days before he took the overdose so I havent had chance to deal with anything at the moment never mind my feelings for him. His parents didnt even see him in hospital i couldnt handle seeing anyone I know like that and have no family visit them. I know I sound like a complete wuss but I need to have a trait that likes to find the good in everyone. Im not sure of my feelings about him at the moment but just feel like he needs my help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:13

Actually, I would further qualify what prev posters have said...

the onus is on himself to sort things, with the help of professionals

a friend/gf of 5 months and even his family are not best-placed to do this

step right back (and far away preferably)

dittany · 18/02/2009 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 18/02/2009 15:15

You haven't heard one post in favour of sticking with him. Your friends all say forget it. Your last question was, "Can someoen like that change?" Well, probably but do you want him to change on your time? Have you got the energy for a depressed liar? Why would you put yourself through that? If you were married and he was your children's father then I could understand going the extra mile or even extra 50 miles. But a guy you've known for five months?

nkf · 18/02/2009 15:15

You haven't heard one post in favour of sticking with him. Your friends all say forget it. Your last question was, "Can someoen like that change?" Well, probably but do you want him to change on your time? Have you got the energy for a depressed liar? Why would you put yourself through that? If you were married and he was your children's father then I could understand going the extra mile or even extra 50 miles. But a guy you've known for five months?

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