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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hard decision to make

60 replies

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 14:44

For the last 5 months I have been seeing a guy who has for the last 5 months told me more lies than I thought possible. It all got to much and I ended back last weekend after giving him the chance to come clean. The lies were all pretty pointless and I dont knwo what he got out of it but they were lies anyway. Im a single mum with two lovely little girls. His family life has always been a bit strange, they are very wealthy but not close, it turns out he didnt actually have anything, no house, no job nothing. On the weekend just gone he took an overdose. He has been diagnosed as having a nervous breakdown which in turn has possibly caused him to lie so much. I have now met up with his parents and all together we are trying to help him, i.e. get him somewhere to rent, help him find a job, some counselling etc. He is a really lovely person apart from the lies that he has told. I seem to be getting a lot of grief from my friends saying he doesnt deserve another chance, but he only has me other than his parents and dont feel like I can walk away. I cant bear seeing people suffer and to try and kill yourself I think is a big cry for help. Can anyone give me some advice? He is not a threat to my children and I will never put them in any danger whatsoever, can someone like that change??

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/02/2009 15:17

you can't help him because no-one else will

they might have good reasons not to want to help him, his parents will know him a lot beter than you do

you can;t help him because your mum said she would have done so

after all, you have been with him 5 months, he has lied to you and you don;t know if you can trust him, what will you and your childrne gain by this?

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:19

All I want at the end of the day is a nice normal relationship. My 2 dds are my world and I have an excellent relationship with their dad who has them every other weekend and who im good friends with (believe me I would never go back there though). Apart from this at the moment my life is pretty good, I dont feel dragged down but it as such but just not sure what to do for the best. Part of me is just saying see how it goes and the rest of me is saying im taking on too much. I havent been asked to do a lot just keep in touch with mainly and make sure he is ok. He seems to want to sort himself out, but I am aware he needs to do that on his own. I just hope he can

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KingCanuteIAm · 18/02/2009 15:20

I am really picking up that you feel guilty and responsible. Do you feel your actions contributed to the overdose?

They didn't, if he was that close to the edge then something would have taken him there in the end anyway.

Like I said, I would feel the same as you (and your mum by the sounds of it) but if his parents were on my case then that would make me wonder a bit! I cannot stress enough that it is not your job, ewanting to be a good person is great but you cannot condemn yourself to a situation out of fear or guilt.

If you had split up 2 weeks or 2 months before the overdose would you still feel the same? Or would you have moved onenough that you could feel bad for him without feeling bad IYSWIM.

It is a really tough one and I suppose it is easy for us to judge the best course of action, afterall we will not have to tell him if you decide not to help. Given all the facts I think I would, hoestly, have to tell his parents that I could not help this time and that I hope he gets better but he needs to do it with the help of his family not his ex.

lessonlearned · 18/02/2009 15:23

He has no one to help and his parents don't want to get involved - they want you to take the resposibility????
This is a big red flag!
It seems to me that all his previous helpers (including family) have BURNT OUT!!
Leave it to the professionals unless you want to be counted among their numbers.
FWIW, my guess is that he has a psychological problem, some of which have no cure. I'm not a doctor, therefore unqualified to say so, but it might be a personality disorder he is suffering from - and you cannot take responsibility for being his carer.

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:25

Thank you everyone for replying. I am a strong person and I know that I can get through this whatever i decide to do, im definately going to speak to his parents and let them know that I cant do anymore, and hope that he gets the help he needs, I cant say im going to cut all contact with him and not be there as Im not like that but I do realise I need to back off slightly

OP posts:

dittany · 18/02/2009 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingCanuteIAm · 18/02/2009 15:26

Sounds like a good compromise

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:28

it still sounds like too much, tbh

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:30

He is 25 - im 31. He is going to look for his own job and flat but we are basically just there to make sure he is ok while he is doing it and maybe just give him a bit of support if he needs it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:32

your life, your choice lianne, of course

just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons

and protect yourself and your 2 girls

dittany · 18/02/2009 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:35

My two girls and then myself are the most important things in my life I would never do anything to jeopardise that and would never put him or anyone else before them. Im not sure of the reasons myself at the moment, im hoping it will all become clear sooner rather than later.

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 18/02/2009 15:42

Look Lianne, what will actually happen if you allow this man to use you as a crutch is you will scurry round after him, tempting him to eat, doing his housework, letting him whine and snivel and slobber at you about his problems for hours on end - and the minute he starts feeling better he wil dump you and run off shagging other women. This is what often happens even with reasonably decent depressives: they cast the person who has propped them up through the depression in a kind of sexless saint/parent role and move on to a new sexual partner as soon as they feel strong enough to do so.
He sounds utterly parasitic - and you owe him nothing. I doubt he's even that good a shag, depressives generally are crap in bed: they get halfway through foreplay and burst into tears and start telling you about their XPs.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2009 15:45

I know its not funny but I had to snigger at SGB's take on the situation.....

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:46

Solidgoldbullet - sorry that did make me chuckle, the sad thing is that he is great is bed!!! Not that is why I would to keep seeing him! I know I dont owe him anything and Im not blaming myself for his suicide attempt as I know it was nothing to do with me, us breaking up was one of many factors. I can say for sure I wont be chasing around after him and doing his housework, he actually did mine. I have enough in my life to keep me occupied with my DDs

OP posts:

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:47

AF - i laughed as well! Cant imagine him snivelling and slobbering though!! Ehhhgggh

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/02/2009 15:47

what help is he getting for his breakdown?

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 15:48

He is registering with the nearest doctor in the next couple of days and is going to be receiving counselling.

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 18/02/2009 15:49

But you dumped him, Lianne! So why do you feel you are now obliged to look after him when you dumped him because he was a liar and a wierdo?

Lulumama · 18/02/2009 15:51

and ADs? and will he go to counselling?

i really think that there is a telling reason his parents are happy for you to take over

i have evry sympathy, i had severe PND after i had DS, but you have to take responsibility for yourself, and not expect to be carried

you don't even know the real him, so why invest any more time/emotion in him

if he does not have a doctor, why not? and who diagmosed him with a breakdown?

dittany · 18/02/2009 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemonstartree · 18/02/2009 15:58

Run Run RUN

as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Mental illness (if that's what he has) is not an excuse for being a liar.

He is likley a fantasist and a narcissist and very unlikely to change. This 'overdose' is likley to have been manipulative

look after yourself and your kids and steer well clear.

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 16:05

He hasnt got a doctor as he hasnt got a fixed address. He lived in Bristol but hasnt been there for quite a while now. The psychiatrist he saw after the OD said he had had a breakdown. I dont know how to walk away now after I have already said I will help. Im not seeing him all the time and he wont be living near me shortly, so he will ahv to stand on his own two feet anyway.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/02/2009 16:08

where is he living?

to be blunt, you owe him nothing

you can walk away, yes, you might feel guilty, you might feel awful, but you owe it to yourself and your girls to make sure you are safe

you don;t need more lies, complications etc

how will he get a doctor and attend counselling with no fixed address?

Original poster

Lianne77 · 18/02/2009 16:12

This is what his parents are helping him out with, his dad is prepared to pay 3 months rent for him while he sorts himself out and gets a job. He has had really good jobs in the past so he should be able to sort one out fairly soon if he puts his mind to it.

OP posts:

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