I hold so much venom towards my Mother, I can't control my behavior towards her..long

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I write this with a very heavy heart but I am not allowing myself to feel guilty.

My Mother was a very controlling, fearful parent and I had a troubled adolescence and awful memories of childhood. She didn't "abuse" me as such but she made life a misery for me and I grew up to dislike her intensely, a feeling that has grown stronger as I have got older.
To give an idea of the type of things she did, it was very much emotional abuse; she wouldn't come to terms with me growing into a Woman, needing a bra - I had to wear an old one stolen from my sister. She used to be disgusted in me when I started to experiment with make up and show an interest in boys. She did hit me a lot, her most frequent being a slap across the face, sometimes in front of others. She would treat me like I was 3 yo when I became a teenager. Was ridiculously authoritative about school and social life and would ridicule my friends, constant bombardment of criticism, you will never amount to anything, you are possessed with demons (yes, really) and all sorts of weird bullshit that almost made me into a social outcast until I learned the ways of life - in my late 20s...My parents have also had a very difficult and troubled marriage. I never knew them to sleep in the same bed which messed me up a bit with relationships. I have had a difficult time and suffered over the years with various mental problems but am in a great place now.

To cut it short she knows the way I feel as over the years I have become v critical of her and recently started to bring things up from the past. She has mellowed a hell of a lot (she is now 70) and seems to have totally forgotten what she was like, and seems to recount this idyllic childhood that I/We had which is the total opposite of what really happened. I am not able to bite my tongue and she says I blame her for my "failings" in life (I am happily married with a DD whom I adore but she likes to think I am insecure and unhappy).
I know she is old now and I should just lay off, but I am very angry about the way I was treated, things I can't forget like when I tried to tell her I was being propositioned and molested by an older man at 14 and she told me I was making a big deal of nothing. How can I forgive her for these things? But now it looks like I am being aggressive to a frail old lady. I am at a loss, I can't go on like this.
I know there are no magic answers I just need a bit of support.

maybe talking to a professional would help. tbh she was a bad mother but there is nothing to be gained from having it out with a 70 year old woman. plus you need to come to terms before she dies. you don't have to like her but you do need to make peace with yourself.

Could you not just have nothing to do with her? Would talking to an outside party help, telling her is only making it worse, she's not backing down, and you are going round in circles.

What kind of relationship do you want to have with her? Do you need to have one at all?

Yes I have thought about talking to a therapist. The thing is she is in my life and helps with DD so I am reliant in that sense. She adores DD.
She almost seems to push me into having these conversations and I take the bait. It can't go on like this I agree.

She sounds like my MIL, the possessed by demons seems to point towards a mental illness. My MIL has been diagnosed with mental health problems, but she she still evil apart from that IYKWIM?

I wouldnt bother trying to get her acknowledge what she did/ws like to you as a child. I t seems a common theme that parents like this are in complete denial about their shitty behaviour.
My mother is similar and all I can advise is try to keep her at arms length and never ask anything of her. In short damage limitation is all you can do ime. Even now my mother has an ability to hurt me more than anyone.

It sounds like therapy would be really helpful. You are not going to change the past, or change the way your mother behaves in the present. However some effective therapy will help you to change the way you feel about her and her past behaviour. It is unlikely you are ever going to have a warm,loving mother/daughter relationship, but by doing some work on your feelings, you can insure you will always have a more straightforward relationship with your DD.

Do you have to see her? What is the fall out if you don't?
I struggle to be nice to my Mum and she wasn't even a bad Mum she just gets on my nerves. For me is it because she has to be the centre of everything and a martyr. She looks after my Ds two afternoons a week and they get on very well! But that is the limit of our relationship 20 mins before she sets off home!

Ooops just saw she does child care for you
Is there anyway you could get someone else to help out/ use a nursery/childminder/after school club?

My father has ignored me most of my life. He has never remembered my birthday or sent me a christmas card. He does not remember the birthdays of my children and calls my dh any old name that comes to mind. He has always been like this, with explosive bursts of temper.

When he talks of my childhood, like your mother, he talks of an idealised version that never happened.

I do not like him, I never have but the dcs and I are all he has in the world and I have had to ask myself what I would feel if he died and I was on bad terms with him.

I have decided that I will ignore his lunacy, be civil to him and pat myself on the back for being the better person. I don't think you can necessarily forgive, but you can do your best not to dwell on it.

This is not easy at times but it might help.

I agree with goatperson. She's never going to be the mum you wanted her to be and she'll never accept she was a bad mum. If you can't let this go and accept she was the mum she was then seeing a counsellor/ psychologist may help. I'd also limit the amount of time you spend with her if you don't like her.
I'm often amazed at the number of people on her who don't like their parents much but still see them weekly rather than having a brief quarterly visit when you have more news to discuss so you don't get round to the "you did this" "oh no I didn't" circular stuff.
Lots of posh people have seperate bedrooms so blaming that for you having relationship problems seems a bit odd. Perhaps there is some truth in your mum's assertion that you blame her for all your problems. Very few of us had perfect parents or are perfect parents. Yours sound awful, but there comes a time in life when you have to accept some responsibility for decisions you make. You don't want to reach 60 and still be moaning about what an awful childhood you had.

If you do have therapy I would strongly recommend getting a bit distance from your mother. It can bring up a lot of repressed anger, which is a necessary part of the healing process. If you are seeing her a lot this will be really difficult for you.

I definitely agree that you would probably benefit from professional counselling rather than trying to get her to understand. She either can't or won't. Keep working on yourself.

You may not have time for a therapist if you've got a job and childcare etc...
How many hours does she do for you? Are you happy with the care she gives you LO?
How can you minimize the chat?

I agree with Dittany.

I know what you mean starbear about not having the time. However I really believe that therapy is an investment in yourself, and anybody else you love/care about. If you feel better, then those around you also benefit. Sometimes you just have to make time for yourself.

Does she look after your DD in her house or yours? If her own pick DD up thank her and leave. Don't get drawn in. My MIL comes to see the DDs every other Saturday, I leave the house and DH can go the entire 2 hours without talking to her! We had cut her out of our lives for a couple of years until we came to this arrangement. She knows we'll do it again at the drop of a hat.
Sorry you are feeling so low.

Wow thank you all I have a lot to sit on here and a lot to respond.

The separate bedroom thing is deeper than just that. I totally understand some people do and even Dh and I sleep apart when DD is having trouble sleeping. But it was that my Mother used to tell me her and my father were not sexually active and I was sensitive to this and it confused me.

Dittany although she was horrid with me she seems to have had a kind of Volte-face and mellowed into a really nice old lady. She is fantastic with DD, but almost to the point of shutting me out when she was a tiny baby. I had PND but that is another story, and I needed her help, again very reliant on her. This has to stop I know and it is now DD is starting prep in Sept.

I need to talk about this to someone but money is so tight at the moment. I would see it as a waste to spend £60 a week on talking about my crummy childhood and vomiting up all these awful memories again. I am a bit torn.

Can you ask your GP for a referral? Do the NHS do therapists ?

Therapy is a good thing.
Also, I sometimes think a conscious decision to let go of the past - to take ownership of the life you have now, and decide to not let the first 18 years of your life dictate the rest of it. Its not easy - it means trying not to go over and over the bad parts of the past.

Sorry if that doesn't seem clear. We had a a crap childhood too (my mum had an apalling childhood though, and I have forgiven her)- my sister is still so mad, so bitter, and has created huge dramas in her life. It seems to me though that she is just peretuating the whole thing over and over - she is choosing to let it cause even more damage then it needs to

If you don't tell her how you feel will you regret this when she has passed away (sorry to say this)?

I wish I'd told my mother what I thought of her but I didn't as she was sick & in hospital and I respected this but looking back for a number of reasons I should have spoken my mind. It sounds awful but she was horrid to the end and it would have done me good to have spoken to her.

It sounds awful really but you have to think of YOU and how you feel.