I hold so much venom towards my Mother, I can't control my behavior towards her..long

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I write this with a very heavy heart but I am not allowing myself to feel guilty.

My Mother was a very controlling, fearful parent and I had a troubled adolescence and awful memories of childhood. She didn't "abuse" me as such but she made life a misery for me and I grew up to dislike her intensely, a feeling that has grown stronger as I have got older.
To give an idea of the type of things she did, it was very much emotional abuse; she wouldn't come to terms with me growing into a Woman, needing a bra - I had to wear an old one stolen from my sister. She used to be disgusted in me when I started to experiment with make up and show an interest in boys. She did hit me a lot, her most frequent being a slap across the face, sometimes in front of others. She would treat me like I was 3 yo when I became a teenager. Was ridiculously authoritative about school and social life and would ridicule my friends, constant bombardment of criticism, you will never amount to anything, you are possessed with demons (yes, really) and all sorts of weird bullshit that almost made me into a social outcast until I learned the ways of life - in my late 20s...My parents have also had a very difficult and troubled marriage. I never knew them to sleep in the same bed which messed me up a bit with relationships. I have had a difficult time and suffered over the years with various mental problems but am in a great place now.

To cut it short she knows the way I feel as over the years I have become v critical of her and recently started to bring things up from the past. She has mellowed a hell of a lot (she is now 70) and seems to have totally forgotten what she was like, and seems to recount this idyllic childhood that I/We had which is the total opposite of what really happened. I am not able to bite my tongue and she says I blame her for my "failings" in life (I am happily married with a DD whom I adore but she likes to think I am insecure and unhappy).
I know she is old now and I should just lay off, but I am very angry about the way I was treated, things I can't forget like when I tried to tell her I was being propositioned and molested by an older man at 14 and she told me I was making a big deal of nothing. How can I forgive her for these things? But now it looks like I am being aggressive to a frail old lady. I am at a loss, I can't go on like this.
I know there are no magic answers I just need a bit of support.

Thanks Attila, your words are always comforting and make so much sense. I have indeed read Susan Forward's book and found it gave me the belief and strength to not so much stand up to my parents but to put distance between us (emotionally and physically) and concentrate on the positive relationships in my life. I will look up the other book. Thank you so much

CWE - I am thinking of you

Thank you rose - I am going to embark on this journey. It is so hard for me to look back into the past as yet another bad memory surfaces but I can't let things go the way they are anymore. I have tried to put things out of my mind but they just don't go away. Having DD did re-surface a lot of it.

CWE - Having my DS brought things to the surface too and actually things between my parents and myself were a lot worse after he was born. Partly because they treated me so awfully (which with regret prevented me enjoying him the way I should have done) and partly because of the love you feel for your child and the desire to be a better mother to them. It is so normal that you have these feelings, so allow yourself to feel them and talk to someone who won't judge you and will listen.

It is entirely up to you how you wish to conduct your relationship with your parents in the future. I found I couldn't cut them out completely (although no one here would deny you are within your rights to do this if it would be better for you and your family) but I have limited contact in person and on the phone.

Oh and bad memories can be so painful but it really can help to talk about them, get them out in the open and allow yourself to feel anger, hurt etc

Both my parents were like this. Both violent though also.

My father is dead now, but my mother still does all the things mentioned in this thread.

I have realised she is one of these....

narcissist parents

I see her , but now I know what the matter is with her, I am calmer with her. All her manipulation and nonsense goes over my head.

My parents did ruin my whole life, but I have to take responsibility for myself now...and get the help that I need.

I have tried my utmost not to repeat the abuse with my own children. I think Ik havwe succeeded.

I hope that helps

xxx

All I can tell you is what I did - cut all contact.
Mine was nowhere near as bad as yours, but all I know is, ANY relationship including parent/child, should not involve one person feeling like shit due to the words or actions of the other.

Once this happens, the person feeling like shit should get out. It really is that simple.

You probably won't see this as the thread is so old, but I wanted to sympathise with your parents separate bedroom situation. I am in my 50s, and when I was a (only) child in a 2 bed house, my mother moved me into her bedroom and my father got my bedroom. I felt smothered, we went to bed at the same time, got up at the same time (she engineered this to ensure I never spoke to my father alone, she was jealous). I couldn't ever have friends in, as they would expect to go to my room. I had nowhere to be myself, read a book, the room was a tip as mum was a hoarder, plus she kept a (sometimes full) potty under the bed. I had a strained relationship with her, saw her maybe once a month, until she died 5 years ago, frail, lonely, and in a disgustingly hoarded house, infested with mice. She wouldn't let me clear it, and I found it difficult to visit. I felt smothered, like i did as a child. Anyway, I'm writing all this as I know how bedroom situations when young can lead to problems later. I hate sharing a room at all now, whether at work, at home, or on holiday with friends. I am also consumed by guilt because I feel I should have risen above all this and cared better for my mum in her last few years. 5 years of therapy seems to have worsened the guilt.

My mother was similar.

She was all over my DD when she was little, as if to say “see, I am a loving maternal figure, it was ALL YOUR FAULT “ and I really regret allowing her to develop a relationship with DD.

DS could always see right through her, from a very young age, and they have never been close.

My advice is to go completely NC with her. Stop the contact with DD and get some counselling sorted. 💐

Oh sorry- Zombie

cornishpast
FFS create your own new thread, don't piggy-back onto one that hadn't been updated for 14 YEARS!!!!

I was just about to respond to the OP when I twigged the date! 😡