Finally had enough !!!

[misscat]

Hi all-new poster here but avid watcher and information gatherer! Fantastic site!
So, now it's me who, frankly I believe, needs a few harsh words and a good shake!
My DP moved in with me & my 2DC's 2yrs ago. We were both working when I met him but he gave up his job soon after meeting me (as it involved staying away overnight and he wouldn't leave me) have since realised he didn't trust me alone! He has had one other job that lasted a few weeks but didn't want me to leave the house while he was gone...In precis, he has major issues with trust and insecurity, which I have done my utmost to alleviate but to no avail. A visit to his GP resulted in AD's and a counseling referral (he did go a few times but deemed it useless for him). I am now at my wit's end! I lost my job through having to constantly keep in touch with him via phone and email throughout the day (my stupid fault for pandering to him, I know), so now neither of us are working. I have begged, pleaded, threatened- all I can think of to try to make him understand that in order to sort out our hugely mounting debts, we both need to find jobs, pull together and make this horrible situation better. He won't hear of it and says that if I get a job he will leave me??? No need to elaborate, that's the basis of my plight. He has many good points. He feels he needs to put on a suit and feel 'special', rather than do any old job just to bring in some cash. Someone please tell me that I am wasting my time here? I am not qualified to help him any more than I have. He constantly tells me I don't care about his feelings and that I am always 'swanning off' in the car and leaving him alone. I am either shopping or visiting my parents (who he hates and the feeling is mutual) Incidentally, never since I met him have I had a night out, visited a friend or done anything that any 'normal' woman might do. I have loved him to my own detriment and now I need the power to let go. This is my house but he refuses to leave until he is ready (ie: has found a suitable job for himself, away from us and all our debts)! I am no Angel myself but I have been faithful, loyal and have a tremendously high patience threshold, until now. I am tearful, frustrated and I no longer recognise myself. Is it true that men with low self esteem, make themselves feel better by bringing others down? I think so...Thanks for listening x

wow misscat, your story is so sad, i don't knwo what to say. i have no harsh words for you, you sounds like a good person who has tried the best you can to help your partner. but i think you know that its now time to put your children first

You need to get rid of him. I'm afraid your story sends chills down my spine, your partner is potentially very dangerous. He has isolated you from other people with his jealous behaviour, his attitude is seriously abnormal.
Reach out to your friends and family as soon as you can, say that you want to end the relationship, ask for help. Because this man may well become very dangerous indeed when you try to get away. If he moved in with you, is his name on the mortgage/tenancy? If not, you can tell him to go (but I would very strongly recommend that you have someone with you when you do this.)
Please look here. Read the whole website. There is help out there. You do not have to stay with this man. His issues are his problem, not yours.
Wishing you strength and a safe life without him.

misscat, you need to get him out of your house, now! He sounds like an obsessive, controlling bully and his refusing to leave is part of that. Do you have any burly brothers who could come over and assist him in his departure?

Thanks to both of you for being awake so late to respond to my dilemma! He actually says he will leave at the end of this month but has no money to go before then (he needs to buy a flight ticket) and has nowhere else to go. The worst thing is (the resentment on my part) and the fact that he will leave, turning his back completely on our joint debts, it is just so selfish and childish of him. Makes me and the DC's feel so disposable and I feel such a fool. I'm not sure I can stand another day in the house with him, let alone 'till the end of the month!

I think you already know the bloke is strangling you and the relationship/friendship, call it what you like.

For a relationship to be good, both need to be happy and content. The bloke doesn't sound content at all and obviously you are not happy.

It's fairly obvious that the longer you and him remain together the worse things are going to get.

You tried to get help for the bloke, it didn't work and he rejects the help, probably not because he feels he doesn't need it but more because it's another person telling him that he is wrong.

The man is sinking and is likely to sink everything he has with him. If you hang onto him, you have to sink with him.

People like him don't get phased out your life, they keep clutching straws, so cut the ties and expect a separation.

Make a list of what's his, give it to him and confirm that you didn't miss anything off. Make a separate list of what you and he jointly purchased, then offer a proposal, then attach an ultimatum about a moving out date.

You cannot be the only person who can look after him, he has to have one other friend.

Hanging on is not going to solve any problems.

Chipmonkey, no, unfortunately no burly brothers, just a 22 year old son who doesn't live with us and frankly is such a decent chap - I couldn't subject him to that sort of indignity, it's not his style, although I know he would defend me in the best way he could-bless him. My mother, on the other hand, would frighten the pants off him but she's 72!

N1. Sad but true - he doesn't have one other friend. He doesn't have friends because he has never trusted anyone well enough to take them into his confidence. Even his family reject any offers to help him out (although they live miles away) he has burned his bridges with them too.

Ultimatum and let him ask the council for help. While the man is with you, I can see no scope for progress or improvement (for you or him).

The pity is going to change to dislike and then have.

misscat, you have to dump him. As others have said, he's a control freak and you don't need him in your life.

Contact Women's Aid (link in my last post). There is a strong chance of this man getting physically violent as he sees his control slipping: you will need legal advice and then someone to be with you when you get him out: Women's Aid can help with this ie literally send someone over there to be with you when he leaves and involve the police if necessary.
Please make sure that when you finish online tonight you log out of MN and that all your correspondence online is password protected.

Thanks all for your kind words of advice. I will sign out now and try to get some sleep. Thank you, so much x

Just one last question. As I mentioned before, relations are not good between DP and my parents as they resent his controlling behaviour and he believes they interfere in our lives which is partly true but has now been dealt with (by me). That said, on Christmas Day, my parents wanted to visit for a short while to see the DC's. DP said no, either they should come on Christmas Eve or on Boxing Day but either way he didn't want them to spoil his Christmas. My retort was, "if they are not welcome at our house for the DC's sakes, I will take the DC's to their house" - he didn't like that suggestion either. I did however, go against his wishes and off we went and left him at home to sulk. Was I harsh in this case or was he being unreasonable do you think? I believe at Christmastime plenty of families have to put their differences aside and be civil for the LO's, after all it's their happy time and if my parents were willing to spend some time in DP's company, this would have been just as uncomfortable for them too but they would have done it had they been 'allowed'.

Wow. I don't think you have been unreasonable. Decent people will put their difference aside or will make compromises. He doesn't have that trait. It is his way or hell to pay!

He obviously has huge problems, but, they are HIS problems and you can't fix them. When you have cut every single person out of your life, stay in 24/7 to please him, justify to him every phone call you make, every email you send, every car journey you make - HE will still be the same and even that won't be enough for him, he will get worse and worse tightening the screws. I wonder if his past relationships were similar and ended because of his suffocation? He doesn't want you to have people in your life that you love except for him. He wants to approve your interactions with others. Scary!!!!

He controls you with his emotions and at the moment you don't know to what extent he will exert this control (verbal abuse, violence etc).

Get him out of your life before he ruins it anymore than he has already. This is a big giant, flashing warning sign for you.

Can you believe..9.45am and he is lying in my bed, curtains drawn, playing games on the laptop! It infuriates me beyond belief and is all designed to reinforce the disrespect he has for me. Could I truly call the police to haul him out of his pit and get him out of my house or would they not consider this serious enough? If I go up there now and complain a row will start and he'll just tell me to F off and I don't have the strength for any more confrontation.

if your paretns hate him as much as you say, I'll bet they would jump at the chance to lend/give you the money to buy him a one way ticket out of there.

I don't know the best way for you to do this. Others will.

Bumping for you.

Good luck and be brave!!

make sure the children aren't likely to be home any time soon.

go upstairs and tell him that you demand he leaves teh house. the relationship is over and that he needs to leave. NOW.

do not allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. just reitterate that eh needs to leave.

if he is still refusing then YES you can call the police and YES they will remove him.

Absolutely in agreement with everything that has been said. Before you tell him to leave, find the number of the police and keep that and your phone with you.

Keep yourself next to the door.

Keep calm.

xxxx

oh yes. do not allow him to get between you and the door.

I did it! I asked him to leave today and he told me to f* off. I calmly left the bedroom called the police and in a very short while 3 policemen arrived (in two cars)! His face was a picture when he realised I had actually summoned the courage to end this relationship. He left with the police (who were wonderful) and now it's finally over. I feel a mixture of relief and freedom but utterly wretched for kicking him out with absolutely nowhere to go and not a penny to his name. The police said they would drop him at the local council offices and either, they will accommodate him somehow temporarily or the cheapest and easiest option would be to finance a train ticket to the destination of his choice. I do realise though, I had no other choice, he was never going to support us financially and wasn't prepared to 'allow' me out to work either. He has only himself to blame and knowing him as I do, on reflection, his hatred of me now, will turn to remorse but I have made the break and will not go back.
Now I have the unenviable task of breaking the news to my beautiful children, who despite DP's obvious nastiness towards me at times, loved him dearly and unconditionally. I did my best to conceal the majority of verbal abuse from their little ears. I want so much to make it as painless as possible for them (I don't even mind if I appear to be the 'bad guy' for now) but can someone please advise me when and how best to talk to them? I feel I should wait a while, until I feel stronger, before breaking the news. Tonight they are visiting my parents, so wouldn't be a good time. I can tell them he has gone to visit his brother (who they know is very ill) to buy some time...Or should I just tell them, tears might flow, not for my loss but for their little hearts breaking.

Well done! That's marvellous.
He's not the DCs father, is he? So you need never ahve anything to do with him ever again.
Tell the children he doesn't live there any more, no need to slag him off as that will distress them: if they are young they will soon forget him anyway.
Very best of luck.

OMG misscat!!! WELL DONE!!!!

How brave of you! You are an inspiration to anyone out there in similar circumstances. Stick to your guns and make your brand NEW life the way you want it to be What a positive example for your children you have provided too. Amazing!!!

Thank you Reality. I am in agreement and I would never want to lie to them. I do have to do it sooner rather than later I know but it's soooo heartbreaking.
BTW I have just had a call from Ex P telling me he had no luck with either council or social, as he is not considered a priority case. That he needs something to keep him earm as he will have to sleep rough. Oh my goodness - I know he deserves this but why do I feel so awful and it is awful isn't it, sleeping outside in the cold?
My mind works like this...He was once someone's little innocent baby, brought up in a dysfunctional family and through no fault of his own, became the person he is today. I cannot live with that person but I was the only one on this earth who had ever shown him understanding. He abused my love and left me no choice but to protect myself and my children. I just feel so very sad that he will be cold and alone tonight. Surely there has to be some help for him?