Finally had enough !!!

[misscat]

Hi all-new poster here but avid watcher and information gatherer! Fantastic site!
So, now it's me who, frankly I believe, needs a few harsh words and a good shake!
My DP moved in with me & my 2DC's 2yrs ago. We were both working when I met him but he gave up his job soon after meeting me (as it involved staying away overnight and he wouldn't leave me) have since realised he didn't trust me alone! He has had one other job that lasted a few weeks but didn't want me to leave the house while he was gone...In precis, he has major issues with trust and insecurity, which I have done my utmost to alleviate but to no avail. A visit to his GP resulted in AD's and a counseling referral (he did go a few times but deemed it useless for him). I am now at my wit's end! I lost my job through having to constantly keep in touch with him via phone and email throughout the day (my stupid fault for pandering to him, I know), so now neither of us are working. I have begged, pleaded, threatened- all I can think of to try to make him understand that in order to sort out our hugely mounting debts, we both need to find jobs, pull together and make this horrible situation better. He won't hear of it and says that if I get a job he will leave me??? No need to elaborate, that's the basis of my plight. He has many good points. He feels he needs to put on a suit and feel 'special', rather than do any old job just to bring in some cash. Someone please tell me that I am wasting my time here? I am not qualified to help him any more than I have. He constantly tells me I don't care about his feelings and that I am always 'swanning off' in the car and leaving him alone. I am either shopping or visiting my parents (who he hates and the feeling is mutual) Incidentally, never since I met him have I had a night out, visited a friend or done anything that any 'normal' woman might do. I have loved him to my own detriment and now I need the power to let go. This is my house but he refuses to leave until he is ready (ie: has found a suitable job for himself, away from us and all our debts)! I am no Angel myself but I have been faithful, loyal and have a tremendously high patience threshold, until now. I am tearful, frustrated and I no longer recognise myself. Is it true that men with low self esteem, make themselves feel better by bringing others down? I think so...Thanks for listening x

Hi all. Friday 13th ironically!
Anyway brief update...DP phoned several times last night using reverse charge calls, which I refused to accept. Calls began again early this morning, so I phoned him once on his mobile to tell him that I am definitely NOT ever taking him back into my home however, I would do whatever I could to get him some help as he said he slept rough last night and was freezing. He said he just wanted to die and repeated it several times - emotional blackmail, I realise but worrying nevertheless. Also asked me if I had any feelings for him, I told him I felt very sorry for him and he hung up!
I phoned and spoke to his GP, her suggestion was to try to establish his whereabouts, call the police to collect him and maybe they would offer some help from either the mental health crisis team or temporary accommodation (if he refuses psychiatric care). Did all this and have just had a call from the police to say that they have found him and are now taking him to the local council offices to fill in paperwork in order for him to be placed in a homeless persons hostel.
My God, I feel shattered and guilty cosit's degrading for him but a little relieved that at least he will be taken care of in the short term. I just now have a fear of what will happen thereafter and how long he will be able to stay at this hostel.
Anyone know anything about homeless persons hostels?

It is a temporary measure, please leave it at that and do not have anymore contact with him.

He said he would be able to get a ticket at the end of the month, he probably still will be able to.

His family probably will help him as well, given the circumstances.

HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, it will take a while for this statement to sink in, but please try to start thinking that way.

I know, he isn't my responsibility and I will now, back off and leave him to it. I have done as much as I am prepared to do in order to get him off the streets and to alleviate my conscience if I'm honest. All that remains is to pack up his belongings and give myself a bit of extra space in the wardrobes!
I have also, this morning, sorted a claim for income support, until I can find myself a job and then onwards and upwards!

Good for you, its so good to hear that you have taken this difficult step to a more positive future.
I used to be a debt collector btw, so if you need any advice on that score feel free to offload.

What an inspiring thread. Well done misscat for having the strength to take this action - your future is already on the up and can only get better for you and your kids.

I'm still aghast at the concept of two adults not working becuase one of the adults didn't trust the other to leave the house. I have never heard such a thing in my life!!!

Yes, he will continue to act desperate and needy but as others have said, only he is responsible for his own plight.

And I checked the weather, the cold snap is officially over and temperatures will be mild by the start of next week.

So in the worst case scenario at least he won't get hypothermia, though I'm sure I'm not alone in not caring too deeply about that anyway.

Focus on yourself and your DCs. You have it all to play for. Today is just the beginning. Good luck and keep us posted!

Just to clarify MorrisZapp, we did run a small business from home, although it wasn't successful enough to keep us both gainfully employed or earning us enough money. I take full responsibility for not putting my foot down and finding myself a job independently. But we were just about scraping by financially, so I did nothing to keep the peace. DP used to say "better to be poor and happy"... Mmmm but I never planned on being poor and unhappy!!!
Anyway, I'm well shot of him and plan to now, to be poor but truly happy or maybe even rich and happy!
Looking forward to a very relaxed, doing whatever the hell we like weekend! Fingers crossed.

misscat, you have absolutely an unequivocally done the right thinf by yourself and very importantly by your dc's. That environment would only havr done them harm in the long run.
Well done!

Chipmonkey, you're right, my DC's come first. I once read...
"The most worthwhile thing a man can do for his children, is to respect their mother". Good advice. I want my 8 year old son to develop a healthy and respectful attitude towards women, as does his elder brother (22) and my 10 year old daughter to be wise and make sensible choices in life too. I feel I haven't quite been the role model they deserve but they have always been certain of my love for them and have had an otherwise stable and routine life. My time is now theirs and if I am more relaxed, they will be happier.

You know, misscat, this whole thing might actually end up being a good thing for your daughter. This experience will give you a better ability to advise your daughter on relationships. After all, if all you've known are perfect relationship, how can you advise your daughter on the not-so-good men?

I could write a most informative "Bad Man Bible" but having said that, I have met some lovely, kind and 'normal' men (before the dc's I mean). They say hindsight is the only exact science...and I have definitely let a few good ones slip through the net! But I'm well qualified now and will guide her accordingly - if she'll listen that is!

Oh, they don't "listen" exactly! But it all goes in! So long as she knows you're always there for her, that's the main thing!

Well done once again misscat. You are an inspiration, hopefully, to other MNers still putting up with berks and cocklodgers. Things will just get better and better for you now.

well done Miscat.

You are seriously doing the right thing.

I work in homelessness, there will be help for him if he is willing to do something for himself. But it is not your responsibility to do anything for him. He has created this situation.

I strongly advice that you ring womens aid just for advice of what to do should he try and come back in the house. Remember you can always ring the police if needs be.

Also please change your phone number or block his number. Under no circumstances let him have contact with your children.

And above all smile and enjoy your freedom.

Well done, you will look back in a few months and realise that you have just improved your and your children's lives inmeasurably.

Hi all
Myself and the dc's have been out today and had dinner this evening with my sister and nephew, something we haven't done in ages and it was lovely to chat and off-load!
I am so fortunate to have the total support of my family and the offer of financial help too, which although I haven't asked for, has been offered, should I need it. The relief is immense and although I feel so bad that DP will be feeling awful, I am reassured that I have done the right thing and will never look back now. Our lives are on the up!
BTW noonki, my BIL has offered to deliver all DP's belongings to the hostel he is staying at. He doesn't have loads of stuff, just a few boxes and some clothes, will the hostel allow him to have all his things there, just so he need not return to my house to collect it at some later stage? Makes sense to me.