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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally had enough !!!

64 replies

misscat · 12/02/2009 00:36

Hi all-new poster here but avid watcher and information gatherer! Fantastic site!
So, now it's me who, frankly I believe, needs a few harsh words and a good shake!
My DP moved in with me & my 2DC's 2yrs ago. We were both working when I met him but he gave up his job soon after meeting me (as it involved staying away overnight and he wouldn't leave me) have since realised he didn't trust me alone! He has had one other job that lasted a few weeks but didn't want me to leave the house while he was gone...In precis, he has major issues with trust and insecurity, which I have done my utmost to alleviate but to no avail. A visit to his GP resulted in AD's and a counseling referral (he did go a few times but deemed it useless for him). I am now at my wit's end! I lost my job through having to constantly keep in touch with him via phone and email throughout the day (my stupid fault for pandering to him, I know), so now neither of us are working. I have begged, pleaded, threatened- all I can think of to try to make him understand that in order to sort out our hugely mounting debts, we both need to find jobs, pull together and make this horrible situation better. He won't hear of it and says that if I get a job he will leave me??? No need to elaborate, that's the basis of my plight. He has many good points. He feels he needs to put on a suit and feel 'special', rather than do any old job just to bring in some cash. Someone please tell me that I am wasting my time here? I am not qualified to help him any more than I have. He constantly tells me I don't care about his feelings and that I am always 'swanning off' in the car and leaving him alone. I am either shopping or visiting my parents (who he hates and the feeling is mutual) Incidentally, never since I met him have I had a night out, visited a friend or done anything that any 'normal' woman might do. I have loved him to my own detriment and now I need the power to let go. This is my house but he refuses to leave until he is ready (ie: has found a suitable job for himself, away from us and all our debts)! I am no Angel myself but I have been faithful, loyal and have a tremendously high patience threshold, until now. I am tearful, frustrated and I no longer recognise myself. Is it true that men with low self esteem, make themselves feel better by bringing others down? I think so...Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 12/02/2009 12:59

Ignore him.

He has taken enough from you.

You are a good enough and very kind person to feel bad about his circumstances, but really you must absolve responsibility for him and stay strong. If he hadn't given up his job he would have the money to find a place. I know it is hard, but this is his fault and he needs to find a way to deal with HIS new life now, without your help.

Sorry, I know that is hard but it is true.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 13:00

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solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 12/02/2009 13:04

He is almost certainly lying and making no effort even to find himself a b&b. Don't let him in. Really, don't do it, because there is actually a very good chance that he will physically attack you when you open the door, or smash the house up. COntrolling arseholes like him often become very aggressive when they don't get their own way.
If he has any belongings in your house, then you can pack them up and leave them outside for him to collect if necessary, but if he turns up banging on the door and refusing to leave, the police will come and remove him again. (WRT to Reality's post, though they will not take kindly to you making up then breaking up again and again, they WILL remove him if he turns up uninvited and won't piss off when told to).

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 12/02/2009 13:06

well done misscat! DO NOT let him back in your life in any shape or form. yes he was once an innocent baby, but now he is an adult and has to take responsibility for his behaviour and actions. as others have said, he created this situation.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 13:08

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beanieb · 12/02/2009 13:11

He seems to be giving you conflicting information... on teh one hand "says that if I get a job he will leave me??? " then "refuses to leave until he is ready "

I say go and get that job and then leave the rest to him.

Original poster
misscat · 12/02/2009 13:15

What a wonderful lot you are!
I know I sound soft and weak but truly, I have my head screwed on and I know he has to take whatever he has coming now. I will be strong and tomorrow I will start the process of sorting the finances (or lack of)! and see what I can claim for myself and the DC's.
Anyone know roughly how much Income Support or Jobseekers I'd get for myself and 2 DC aged 10 & 8? Also might I still get child Tax Credits?
Thank you all so much for giving me the nudge I needed x

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 12/02/2009 13:22

"Soft" and "weak" are most definitely two words that won't be used to describe what you have done today!!

Strong, resourceful, sensible, brave, courageous.....those are the words I'd use to describe your actions!

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 13:23

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 13:26

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GettingaGrip · 12/02/2009 13:26

Block his number from your phone. Get a new number and tell only trusted people.

Every single thing that is coming out of his mouth is a lie.

Many of us have been there. It is very, very hard, but you can do this.

A year from now you will be a different person. So will your children.

Keep strong.

xxx

prettyfly1 · 12/02/2009 13:27

WELL DONE MISSCAT.

You should be so very proud of yourself. Your best bet is to not make a huge deal of it. Explain that he has had to go away for a while to do something and that for now it will just be you and them. Give them huge cuddles and reassurance. It will pass.

citronella · 12/02/2009 13:38

Misscat,

You have done the right thing.

"My mind works like this...He was once someone's little innocent baby, brought up in a dysfunctional family and through no fault of his own, became the person he is today. I cannot live with that person but I was the only one on this earth who had ever shown him understanding. He abused my love and left me no choice but to protect myself and my children. I just feel so very sad that he will be cold and alone tonight. Surely there has to be some help for him?"

Yes you are right but he also knows that that is how your brain works and why he attached himself to you in the first place.

You have so so so done the right thing.
You will start to reclaim your life again and even with debts (I know) you will start to wonder where you were all this time if that makes sense.

LobstersLass · 12/02/2009 13:41

I can't believe that he would have been seen by both the council and the social in this short space of time.

I think he's lying.

Don't let him back in. Don't give him anything. Don't feel sorry for him. He's brought all of this on himself.

Stay strong.

Original poster
misscat · 12/02/2009 14:41

Thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for the most uplifting and encouraging support - I doubt I would have been this strong without you all. I'd like to give you all a big hug!
BTW - the phone is ringing constantly here now, it's him and I'm ignoring it. I'm off to collect the DC's from school soon and will stay cheerful.
Hope I can be of use to another in my situation sometime. x

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 12/02/2009 14:45

If he keeps it up = call bt or whomever your service provider is and ask them to bar the numbers - keep a trace on the line. You need to be careful.

Tamarto · 12/02/2009 14:51

Well done. Remember you owe him nothing, he has taken enough from you. Think of the joint debts he has left you with if you fell yourself weakening, that and how shitty he made you feel.

I think you are brilliant to have had the courage to bin him, go girl.

lilac21 · 12/02/2009 17:09

Misscat, you're a very brave and strong woman. Good luck with your new life!

Original poster
misscat · 12/02/2009 22:41

Thanks again all. I visited my parents this evening and had a ground breaking chat with them. They do not know yet that he has gone but I have sewn the seed (ie: voicing my discontent with his paranoia and controlling behaviour) so making it easier to break the news next time. DC's think DP is away for a while - I will tell them tomorrow and then we have half-term to talk, and get it out of the way before returning to school.I know my parents will be very supportive and agree that I have finally made the right decision but also understandably,will have concerns for the DC's feelings. But they know me well and hope they trust I will handle it correctly.
I feel so much better tonight, I've had a small glass of wine and, although I am still worrying about DP and where he is staying - I feel strong and positive. I will keep you all updated.

OP posts:
FriarKewcumber · 13/02/2009 00:28

"My mind works like this...He was once someone's little innocent baby, brought up in a dysfunctional family and through no fault of his own, became the person he is today" yes but now he is an adult and capable of controling his actions if he chose to and you are not his mother. You want a partner who is going to make you happy and contribute something (anything!) to your life.

I slept rough one night in January in London once - it wasn't the end of the world, he isn;t a defenceless child.

FriarKewcumber · 13/02/2009 00:28

sorry that all sounds a bit critical and infact I am in awe of how determined you have been.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 13/02/2009 01:44

Well done, misscat. What a woman!

Hold firm. He'll try all sorts of shite to get back in your life, you must harden your heart.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 13/02/2009 01:58

Misscat well done, and well done MNers on such supportive and sensible posts. I am impressed with you all.

Stay strong Misscat. Good luck with the exciting new life.

HolyGuacamole · 13/02/2009 11:15

Good for you misscat and thanks for the update! Great to hear that you're still being positive!!

lilacclaire · 13/02/2009 12:34

Any update, hope everythings ok and he didn't appear last night.