Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I trusted him...and he has fucking done it AGAIN.....so sad

65 replies

sickfedup · 08/02/2009 21:52

Well, name chnged for this

Caught my partner with cocaine in house a few times

He swore he would stop

went to gp, he saw a counsellor (bereavement counsellor) as he lost his mum 4 years ago, she was young he is 24, bt tht did no good

I have a dc from prev partner whom calls him dad and we have toddler together who has special needs epilepsy etc, cant walk etc

Anyway, I found cocaine, an empty bag shoved dwn bk of couch

I am devastated

WE were just getting bk on track about to move bk in with us etc, he has admitted he hasnt stopped

I have told my sister and parents again as was soo gutted

Was soos strong and adamant it was over but seen him earlier, sed he is soo sorry and i deserve better and shud get rid of him, etc etc, but that he loves us soo much and wants to gt help...my family are "get over him"etc etc and will prob give up on me if I stood by him

Soo upset wat the hell do I do?

Wat would u do?

Any1 else have same issues??

OP posts:
Pinkfox · 08/02/2009 22:16

What did your sister and parents say? Its good that you have confided in them, sometimes its difficult to speak to family as they tend to take sides which can make things more difficult, but you need the support.

I am in a similar situation but with my husband it was stolen goods, he was stashing them in our home, every time I found something I confronted him, he lied, I was disgusted and ashamed and angry. He has continued to do this as recently as christmas, but its not "just" the thing he does, its the lies and bullshit which comes with it. In your case quite worrying if the DC were to have found this

It seems in your case he does have issues but do you feel he is not dealing with them?? If he has had counselling and it has not helped, does he want to try something else or do you think he is happy to be as he is??

Its difficult as you say, do you get rid of him and get on with your life, as hard as that would be, or do you put up with it, carry on and still be in the same situation in years to come, maybe when more damage has been done and as you say, support in RL will have gone cos people "give up"??

Sorry if im not much help, just really feel for you, its not easy x

Alambil · 08/02/2009 22:17

I'd tell him that until he's been clean for a good few months and properly stopped the addiction, he's not moving back in

You can stay together but not live together

I definitely wouldn't have drugs around my children - especially in such an easy-to-find place

Minxie1977 · 08/02/2009 22:23

Is he a decent bloke apart from this? If he is and goes to get help immediately, I would give him a chance. You're a family, addicts lie and giving up is hard. Good luck

12stepmum · 08/02/2009 22:28

Words from him mean nothing, its action that counts, so he needs to follow through his promises with action if things are ever going to change. Your GP would be a good place to start if they can offer appropriate support.
i got clean through Cocaine Anonymous, it is possible to change and stay clean if the desire is strong enough, surrender deep enough. they have a helpline 0800 612 0225, and a support group called co-anon for partners /family affected. (i am 6 and half years clean and sober).
i really hope he wants to change for all of your sake, you may want to try the support threat for partners of addicts too, you are absolutley not alone is going through this. things are never black and white.

Devendra · 09/02/2009 06:07

Id be pissed off he lied but he may just use cocaine occasionally .. not necassarily be a complete addict. Id be pissed off with him for leaving the empty bag lying around but is doing a bit of coke now and then such a terrible thing if he is otherwise a good bloke?

spoiltforchoice · 09/02/2009 07:16

If he leaves a half-full bag stuffed down the back of the couch next time, he could kill one of your children.
I'm surprised you need to ask, tbh.
If you keep him, at least give your poor kids a chance and send them to live with someone who'll look after them properly.

PottyCock · 09/02/2009 08:08

I sympathise, there is nothing worse than being lied to like this. Very sorry for you. You must do the right thing by your children and not allow him to live there with them until he is completely better. His GP can do weekly urine tests if it's an addiction problem -if he really wants to sort this out and stay together he should be prepared to prove himself. People with drug problems are skilled and accomplished liars and I know just how utterly demoralising it is to be conned again and again.

I really feel for you but you can't let him back into your house with your kids - imagine if they had found that bag and put it into their mouth or something.

Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 08:52

I know, spoiltforchoice, I understand wat you are saying which is why I am asking...but don't dare write things such as "send them to live with someone who'll look aftr them properly" That is disgusting!! My dp was living here for like a week, hasnt lived here for a year!!
You do not KNOW ME and I am the best mum and you would never hear any1 say anything different!!

My kids ARE my world...you have upset me deeply... I AM prepared t go it alone but was looking for suppport and if anyone els had similar probs
My son is just nearly 2 and has LOTS of problems and I am a wonderful mum

OP posts:
Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 08:54

AND spoiltforchoice, if you look at my first post

it actually says "we were gettin bk on track, ABOUT to move bk in"

Don't dare judge me, I do NOT condone this at all

OP posts:
spoiltforchoice · 09/02/2009 09:19

So please, please, dump him.
I'm sorry I sounded harsh to you; I just don't think you should let love for this idiot blind you to the 'what if's...

Devendra · 09/02/2009 10:38

sickfedup..how much coke does he do? Are we talking about most nights or an occasional weekend dabble? There is a huge difference.

Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 11:13

Thanku spoiltforchoice I knw EXACTLY where yr coming from, n thanks for yr honesty

Devendra a weekend thing just, not every weekend I dont think

OP posts:
Devendra · 09/02/2009 13:57

So what is it about his coke use that makes you angry? Is the money? The lies? Does his behaviour chnage?is it because its illegal?
Can you not come to some compromise.. he doe it away from the home.. only once a month and always tells you what he is up to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2009 14:48

"Can you not come to some compromise.. he doe it away from the home.. only once a month and always tells you what he is up to".

Don't think that arrangement will work at all well tbh. Addicts as well are very good at lying and covering up.

sickfedup,

His words are cheap - if he is indeed serious about getting help then he needs to go into drugs rehab and stay away from you all in the meantime whilst he does this.

You also need to examine your role in this too - you cannot act as his enabler. Perhaps this is what you have actually been doing to date. Talk to Co-anon too

moanieminny · 09/02/2009 15:03

Sickfedup. If he only does it some weekends I wouldn´t call him addict. WHat was very irresposible was for him to hide the bag somewhere where the kids would be able to find it.
I agree with Davendra, need to know what makes you angry....
I came to agreement with my DH - he only does at occasional weekends when DC is in bed and after everything is LOCKED AWAY-

QuintessentialShadows · 09/02/2009 15:07

He has turned himself in a safety issue.
If he has so little sense that he leaves empty-ish "cocaine bags" around the house, he is not fit to be in a house where there is also a child.

What if your dc had got hold of some and eaten it? Or sniffed it, like she might have seen him do?

I would get rid.

Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 15:31

I knw, my kids have NEVER EVER seen him do ANYTHNG, he would NEVER do it in front of them, n I for ONE would not let him.....I am a very responsible caring mummy and just love him soo much, bn together a long time, but I do not love him enough to put up with the drugs. lies and everythin tht comes with it

I personally think he needs help, just dunno wat to do

OP posts:
Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 15:38

And I dunno what makes me angriest , the lies, the going behind my bk, the swearing he will never do it again etc n the dissapointment and sick feeling I get when finding any proof, which I havent for ages until the weeknd, which is why we were gettin bk on track etc, and on top of this he knows hw much I deal with on a daily basis with our nearly 2 year old, nd this makes me madder, as he is STILL doing it even though he knws that Ds is ill, and my dd is old enough nw to know etc when we argue , I just feel soo let dwn, all I want is a nice guy who doesnt touch drugs, is it too much to ask?! I just feel sick

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2009 15:43

He has to want to seek help though of his own accord, you cannot make him seek help.

I do not doubt whatsoever that you are indeed a caring mum but he did leave this bag down the back of the sofa and someone other than you could easily have found it.

You need to examine your role in this - many women in such situations end up acting as their partner's enabler.

You may well love him but sometimes love is not enough.

Devendra · 09/02/2009 16:14

I would be angry at the lies.. but maybe you are just thinking Drugs=Bad Drugs are not bad PEOPLE are. If it is just occasional use and it does not affect his behaviour then maybe you should try and understand that it is possible to take drugs responsibly.. leaving an empty bag is pretty irresponsible so he would need to pull his socks up!
Doing a bit of recreational cocaine does not make you a lying addict.. for goodness sake there is always grey areas with this subject. You need to have a long talk with him.. find out how much he is using and why.. If he is loving good partner then its a bit much to bin him..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2009 16:28

I think the drug taking is affecting his behaviour markedly. Its making him selfish and irresponsible leaving her to pick up the pieces.

Well he has lied to his lady - and lied repeatedly. He swears to her he will stop and unsurprisingly does not. He has also been caught with cocaine in the house several times before now. He is not taking care in the house, leaving an empty bag behind the back of the sofa is irresponsible. All he cares about ultimately is the drug.

He won't change unless he wants to - all sick can do is change how she reacts to him.

Coldtits · 09/02/2009 16:35

If we'd asked you a year ago if he's ever leave bags with drug traces in within easy reach of both your children, you'd have denied vehemently that he would ever do such a thing. You'd not have believed it of him.

What happens if your child is very ill one day, and they give him a blood test, and discover traces of cocaine in his system where he found a bag stuffed down the back of the sofa and licked it cos it looked like icing suger?

I'll tell you what happens. They will call the social services and there will be a HUGE investigation.

I have no doubt that you are a fantastic, attentive and caring mother, I also have no doubt that you are turning a bit of a blind eye to what the consequences of stayinng with this man could be.

Original poster
sickfedup · 09/02/2009 22:13

God, I really have to get shot

I can't do this...my kids are everything

OP posts:
Original poster
sickfedup · 10/02/2009 09:26

God, I really have to get shot

I can't do this...my kids are everything

OP posts:
12stepmum · 10/02/2009 13:37

You don't have to use every day or even every week to be an addict or to have a serious problem, if he and you knew what he was doing was ok, why all the lies, and why would you be posting here and so angry...its seems to be because so much about this situation is not ok at all, and you know that in your heart from your last post.

if your kids are everything, why are you volunteering them for this situation??

i agree with attila about the enabling, if you keep letting him back into your life without him having taken drastic action to change (promises mean nothing here), you are sending him the message that he can carry on because there are no consequences for him. he is not going to change unless he has sufficient motivation (and some problem users don't change even when they do have sufficient motivation....).

it is up to you to decide what you are happy to put yourself and your kids through.

i think what i'm trying to say is, if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread