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Original poster

Baby then wedding, or vice versa?

20 replies

excitedandscared · 08/02/2009 17:39

Hi,
Just looking for opinions to help with what I know has to be a personal decision...

My H2B and I got engaged last October and, though we've not booked anything yet, were thinking of getting married sometime around Christmas 2010.

I've recently found out I'm pregnant (8 weeks atm) which is fantastic! However, now we need to decide whether we stick to our original wedding plan, when the baby will be about 15months, or do we get married quickly before the baby arrives.

I've discussed the pros and cons of each with H2B and my mum but would appreciate any other opinions...

OP posts:
TheThoughtPolice · 08/02/2009 17:50

congrats on your pregnancy.

Stick to the original wedding plan. There is absolutely no need to rush it through.

My DD was 11mo old when DH and I married. DD was a planned pregnancy and we always knew that for us, having a baby was more important than a wedding. We got 'engaged' when DD was 5mo old and married 6mo later.

NAB09 · 08/02/2009 17:53

Married first and then baby. I would have said that anyway but still feel the same now I know you are pregnant.

Seeing people who have become pregnant without being married, very few get round to the wedding.

Mummyfor3 · 08/02/2009 17:54

Congratulations!

No personal experience, but a v close friend had her baby in December, had small registry ceremony to keep very catholic family happy beforehand, then had big, huge, enormous piss up party in the summer! It was fab!

I think nowadays, it is perfectly acceptable to do whatever you please, so good luck and enjoy.

brimfull · 08/02/2009 17:56

get marrie dnow

zanz1bar · 08/02/2009 18:18

You say you intended to marry in 12-14 months time which seems to imply a wedding that needs a lot of planning.

Would you feel cheated or rushed if you didn't get the wedding of your dreams.

Once you have a baby you priorities change and it could be very difficult to find the extra money to cover the cost of a big white wedding

I have deleted about 2/3 of my post.
It only really matters what you AND your DP think you want from your marriage.
Just don't listen to everyone else, and that also includes your mum.
She may want to buy a big hat but its up to you and your DP.

zanz1bar · 08/02/2009 18:26

PS i did baby first then proposal then wedding when DD 8 weeks.
The first and only time i had a bust to be proud of.

SpecialOffer · 08/02/2009 18:30

My son was 15 months when we married. It was so nice to have him there, he was dressed the same as dh (soooo cute). We had a small but lovely wedding with lots of children there, and I loved every second of it.

We hired a professional babysitter for the evening reception so everyone could attend (all down the hall in the same hotel) and my mum stayed with ds in the room overnight.

Lots of people told us to do it before as we wouldn't be able to enjoy ourselves, but to be honest I could have a lovely drink (or a few!!) and it was so special having him there, he enhanced our day!

DeeBlindMice · 08/02/2009 19:21

I would (and did) get married before I had a baby, for a lot of reasons some cultural and some legal. I think in your position I would push ahead with a smaller wedding than originally planned.

MarlaSinger · 08/02/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarlaSinger · 08/02/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamLeticiaDean · 08/02/2009 19:34

If I was you I'd stick to your original plans. Then you can have your little one at your wedding too.

DeeBlindMice · 08/02/2009 19:34

I really meant it when I said for better or worse. Not sure I would have meant it any more if I had had a 15 month old child.

The only good reason I can think of for waiting is so you can get pissed at your own wedding. But for me that would be outweighed by having the legal stuff all sorted before we had a child together.

EldonAve · 08/02/2009 19:39

We did v small registry ceremony before DC1 arrived and then a big wedding do when DC1 was 6mths old

Tootlesmummy · 08/02/2009 19:59

I had the same situation where my DP and I knew we wanted to get married and then found out we were expecting our DS (now 11 months old). We were back and forth with should we do it before the baby comes or after and agreed after, and we're due to get married in June of this year!
Its stressful enough being pregnant, and trying to prepare for the baby without added stress of a wedding.
I'm also very excited at the thought of my son being there and him and his daddy wearing matching kilts .
Do what makes you both happy though!

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/02/2009 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karamazov · 08/02/2009 21:01

Personally, in this day and age, I'd wait and do it properly. For the following reasons...

  1. If you rush a wedding through now (in the next 6 months) you're unlikely to get the wedding of your dreams - there will have to be compromises, because at this late stage so many things will be already booked.
  1. Being completely honest, you'll probably look better on the day if you're not pregnant. The extra weight you put on, the compromise you'd have to make in the dress ... I say this because I have a significant (but not wedding) photo taken from when I was pregnant with DD2, and I can barely look at it now, Whenever I do, I just think I look fat (in the face and arse) and it ruins what should be an important photograph for us. I think it would be a shame to feel the same about your wedding photos. 15 months, would be long enough to lose any baby weight, get back to a great shape and feel that you look good on the wedding day (Or maybe it was just me who thought I looked awful throughout the whole of my pregnancy - never had that blooming thing!)
  1. It will seem like a rushed wedding to everyone else, and people might even wonder whether you're only getting married because you're pregnant - at least when the child is here, the reason why you're doing it (you love each other) will be the only reason, there will be no doubt in other people's minds.
  1. It would be lovely to have your child involved as a little page boy or bridesmaid and cement your new family...

However, these are just my personal reasons for what I would do in your situation, but I'm sure there are plenty of arguments against - most notably religious / cultural arguments for not having a child out of wedlock.

Whatever you decide, Congratulations on both accounts and good luck!

Original poster
excitedandscared · 08/02/2009 21:10

Thanks for all your ideas and comments.

We are planning a small, intimate wedding anyway - the reason we're leaving it so long is because I would love a Christmassy wedding and my brother is going travelling this year so we thought we'd wait til he got back...

If we got married before the baby arrives, it would be the same number of people, as we were only going to be inviting 30 (+40 extra later) anyway. The difference now is we're thinking that we'll change our plans to make it cheaper as we need to save for a deposit for a bigger house - currently in a 1 bed flat, not ideal! We'd be watching the pennies before or after the baby is born so that won't make any difference either - we're not going to have the wedding we'd originally thought of but it will be lovely and special no matter what.

My concerns are legal things, wanting to have the same name as my H2B and baby and thinking that if we wait so much else will seem more important we might never get round to it!
But then again, I love the idea of having our little one there on the day with us too.
Maybe a very small thing before and big party later could be the way to go.
I don't know what to do - feeling so confused and over emotional at the moment anyway, this is just too big a decision!!

OP posts:
lilac21 · 08/02/2009 21:26

Change your name by deed poll then, and get married when you're both ready. Congratulations on your pregnancy too!

DeeBlindMice · 08/02/2009 22:08

A baby is a pretty good excuse to have a party. You could have a small wedding and then have a bigger naming ceremony/christening/welcome to the world/1st birthday party for your DC

PMSL laughing at postponing something that will provide greater legal and financial security for you and your child in fear of your arse looking big in a picture.

abbierhodes · 08/02/2009 22:33

Congratulations on your pregnancy first of all!
I got married when ds1 was 20 months, and I was 7 months pregnant with DS2!!! (both 'surprise' babies!)
For us, the wedding was booked before the baby, we considered postponing it but decided that a lack of alcohol and adjustments to a dress did not really matter compared to what we wanted, which was a marriage.
Personally, I'd stick to the plans you have.My DS1 was given me DH's surname, and we were married before he was old enough to realise my name was different.
The only time being unmarried bothered me was in the hospital with DS1, they wouldn't allow me to write DH's surname on his tag, he had to have the same name as me for security reasons. A small thing, but it bothered me in a moment of high emotion/hormones!
You sound like you'll be happy either way, good luck with whatever you choose!

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