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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think DP has just walked out on us...

25 replies

mamadiva · 07/02/2009 10:08

Iknow it's for the best and it's been a long time coming but feel like my world has just fell apart, I still love him

OP posts:

Frasersmum123 · 07/02/2009 10:13

Oh bless. I dont really know what to say but wanted to send you virtual hugs.

thatsnotmymonster · 07/02/2009 10:14

I don't know you or your situation but ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Has he really walked out on you? For good?

Don't really know what to say but just wanted to answer your post x

CoteDAzur · 07/02/2009 10:14

So sorry you have to go through this

But this will pass, and life will be much better than before.

When I went through a very painful period, I used to think "It won't hurt this time next year", admittedly without much conviction. And you know what, when next year came around, it really didn't matter that much.

Life does go on. This pain will run its course and then you will be happy again.

Best of luck, mamadiva.

MmeLindt · 07/02/2009 10:15

Sorry to hear that. There are no words that will make you feel better but I wanted you to know that someone is thinking of you.

HeadFairy · 07/02/2009 10:18

Poor you. Has he said he's not coming back? Is there no way you can fix things? Go and give your ds a big hug and kiss, you both need to be kind to each other.

cikecaka · 07/02/2009 10:20

Oh you poor thing

Original poster

mamadiva · 07/02/2009 10:23

Thanks I just need someone to talk too.

Basically we have been together for almost 8 years, since we were 14/15YO I think that's why it seems so hard.

I'm so embarrassed to say this but his main problem seems to be that I am apparently lazy I don't think I am my house may not be the cleanest but it is tidy. I don't really get any help around the house we both worked but I gave up my job as I was basically getting beaten by the residents of a dementia and high dependancy unit, I know that sounds mad but I just couldn't face walking around with one more black eye or bandage on because one of them decided that I was someone they knew and hated years back. So I quit since then money has been tight and probably at teh root of things but he doesn't seem to understand how awful it was for me. I don't meant to be sitting saying oh poor me I'm no innocent but just giving a bit of background. I have been looking for work, to no avail since January but he keeps saying I'm lazy because I don't and the house isn't sparkling.

Oh god I really am an arsehole...

OP posts:

Lemontart · 07/02/2009 10:23

Thinking of you too xxx

Original poster

mamadiva · 07/02/2009 10:24

He has been on and off I'm going since last night I told him to stop messing with my head and just go if he wants to I can't stop him.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 07/02/2009 10:26

i am sorry you are going through this

with the best will in the world, you are both totally different people to those you were at 14 & 15. perhaps growing apart was inevitable

what do you want? do you want to make a go of things or were you desperately unhappy anyway?

HeadFairy · 07/02/2009 10:27

I don't blame you for giving up a job where you were getting beaten up! That's terrible.

Original poster

mamadiva · 07/02/2009 10:31

I just think that it's a bit of oth I want to make a go of it, I wouldn't say we have ever been desperately unhappy just had some pretty major niggles we go for weeks being fine then just an almighty argument about something rediculous.

He left about an hour ago saying he didn't know if r when he would be coming back. But he psted his key back through teh door when he went. So am assuming thats it really.

I think that maybe it is a case of growing apart but is o hard t accept.

OP posts:

Buda · 07/02/2009 10:39

You may both benefit from some time apart. If you are now not working he is maybe feeling worried that he is responsible for the family financially.

And as you are not working he may feel that the house should reflect that. I am not saying he is right but if you are not working but he can see you are making an effort in the house so that there are some benefits he may feel less stressed by it. I could be way off the mark so ignore me if I am!

Original poster

mamadiva · 07/02/2009 10:43

No Buda that's basically what he's saying, thng is though I try to stuff with DS a much as possible, he's only 2.6YO so gets bored easily an I don't like to stay i a lot wth him but DP doesn't seem to understad that.

Of course I can see his point but our house isn't exactly a shithole! Which is what he keeps telling people.

OP posts:

HOLLY23 · 07/02/2009 11:56

Sorry you're going through this, but he doesn't seem very supportive at all. The job you were in sounds awful and really he should feel glad that you are not working in that environment anymore, also how much work would he be prepared to do around the house if the situation was reversed? The fact he's going round telling people its a shithole is just an excuse to try and justify why he has walked out on you and your DS. It is a stressful situation however please be strong, you will get over this. Also please think about financials so that you do not struggle. Get some advice about this and think about what you need and want, formulating a plan will help you move forward.

MmeLindt · 07/02/2009 11:59

It does not sound like he treats you with a lot of respect. Telling ohter people that your house is like a shithole is horrible.

Do you find it difficult to stay on top of the housework? You are not alone, you know. I hate housework and DH is always complaining. He would not say something to others though.

No wonder you gave up work. I can't see why he would want you to stay there.

catMandu · 07/02/2009 12:05

You poor thing, I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. Nobody would leave someone they were happy with just because the house wasn't as clean as it could be, thre must be other issues. Maybe you have just grown apart, I hope not, being apart for a while will help you both realise what you want. My advice would be to give him some space, don't call/text etc and try to get on with your life.

Tryharder · 07/02/2009 12:43

Poor you - he sounds very unreasonable. I would not want my partner to stay in a job where he/she was getting physical abuse and as most on here appreciate, keeping a house in show-home condition is impossible if you've got a toddler. You're at home looking after his child presumably - is that not enough for him???

It is not reasonable to walk out on someone and your child because of housework - he obviously has other issues.

As someone has already said, he is probably stressed out at being the sole breadwinner etc etc but when all said and done, walking away from a problem or worry is weak and unkind to you and your son and therefore I personally do not buy that excuse.

I would imagine he will come back when the dust has settled but if now, seek legal advice, contact the CAB for advice on housing and benefits if you need to and don't beat yourself up. He is the weak one who has walked out on his child - not you!

prettyfly1 · 07/02/2009 13:00

ok - you are not an arsehole - please dont do that it isnt fair to yourself at all. From the sounds of it this is a straw that broke the camel situation adn there is more to it then an untidy house. I am the primary breadwinner and it is unbearably stressful so perhaps worth remembering that but looking after a little one is tough. You need to do what i did in your shoes. Make your first priority of the day doing the housework. Get yourself some toy boxes and sort out your storage so that it is easy to just tidy up. Do the dishes as you use them and keep on top of it that way. It became a routine for me then and was much easier to handle. DO it for you, not your husband because then you wil feel more in control. I would never be in a job where i was physically hurt. Never. I am guessing his point would have been find something else first but in that situation my dp wouldnt even let me go to work. Take some space then talk to him when he calms down. This is a big period of adjustment. If you are at home and he is working then your job is the home and childcare so you do need to try to stay on top of it but if he is expecting something sparkly he is being ridiculous - it just doesnt happen when there are little uns in the house. Let him calm down and speak to him again.

Peachy · 07/02/2009 13:06

Just to say you were right to leave your job

A hdu where staff are regularly injured has massive issues and I have worked in one, didn't leave and was pretty badly hurt.

BrownEyedMum · 07/02/2009 13:37

I 100% agree with Tryharder you just said everything I was going to.

Leave him to it, if he wants to get back in touch then fine but don't you be the one to run after him, you deserve to be treated with more respect than that.

My advice right now would be take a deep breath and have a MASSIVE cuddle with your little one, then build a snowman and kick F* out of it! Take care of yourself and your ds, and let him sort himself out.

Tiredmumno1 · 08/02/2009 15:20

Hi dont know if u r still reading these, but my partner used to be the same i have 2 sons, one is 2 and my eldest is 6 he has special needs, i dont work i am a full time mum now. I think it was just resentment sometimes that he was out at work whilst we r at home. I always did as much as i could thats y he could only find little things to niggle at. He was made redundant and guess what, he has now changed he can see how hard it is, so why he is trying to find another job and pitch in at home, and has turned into a fanatastic chef. I think the problem with men is they r to much like children, they seem to think they r missing out on something.

HOLLY23 · 09/02/2009 10:14

Hi Mamadiva, how are you feeling better today and feeling a bit more postive after reading the messages on this thread. Have you formulated a plan of action? Also what about your family and close freinds, have you spoken to them for some local support?

Original poster

mamadiva · 09/02/2009 13:35

Hi everyone thanks so mch for all the messages.

Well DP came back last night after staying at his friend's for a bit, full of apologies and such like sayng he knows my job was hard etc but money is tight although he couldn't watch me come in with one more bandage/bruise or cut as it was driving him ma. Just wishes I had consulted him a bit before saying I ws leaving adn now like you say he is scared as he breadwinner and we rely on him now o big responsability.

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 09/02/2009 13:47

mamadiva I'm late to the thread so I think it's been said, but he doesn't think you are lazy he is scared.

Scared of the situation and scared of the responsibility probably. If he loved you less he'd be indifferent.

You need to action plan together probably with outside help so that someone is supporting you both rather than either of you feeling the weight of responsibility alone.

It's a sad fact that men over and over react to fear like this. My Dad did it, my friends husbands do it, my dp (exdp) does it.

You actually sound really strong as a couple, with deep feelings of love and concern for each other and your family so I think if you can get help to communicate with each other you will weather this no matter what.

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