Long.......All my fault I know, but scared.....

[intheend]

I met my husband while he was still married (he is 19 years my senior). We instantly hit it off. His previous marriage ended and we continued our relationship. I fell pregnant quickly (I already had one daughter). His divorce was very messy and as a result of the stress he frequently started drinking heavily. We decided to keep the baby, we bought a house together. Our relationship was fantastic in so many ways. His heavy drinking when stressed however became more frequent and he would stay out late and demand I collect him from the train station late at night dragging the girls from their beds. On one occasion he turned violent in the car driving home. Rows became frequent, and I developed massive insecurities.... I found it impossible to relax and was paranoid all the time just wondering each day what the evening may have in store. We'd always patch up, he would be very sorry etc and I kept trying to deal with paranoia and nervousness.
A few years later we moved house and things were calmer for a while and then the same routines started up.
I then pulled myself together, relaxed more about my anxieties and started to enjoy life. Then I received a phone call from police requesting give a statement against an old school teacher of mine who had been arrested for sexual abuse, my world fell apart and I had to drag up memories from the past. I really needed my husband at this time and through no fault of his own was unable to be around much at all due to work commitments but for me all the old memories of our early relationship came flooding back. Our next door neighbour and I began chatting, he listened to me and was a shoulder to cry on... one thing led to another and we slept together (I know this is unforgiveable). To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant again. My husband worked this out and I had to tell him the baby wasn't his, I had an abortion which if I'm honest I regret even though it was the right thing to do. We worked hard on our marriage after a few setbacks, eventually he beat me up and I think that helped even things out for him. Things had been ok since but I'm reminded of my infidelity in every row or disagreement (to be expected I know). Anyway, there is obviously something wrong with me as the "neighbour" called me on the anniversary of the abortion and we ended up sleeping together again and began an affair. My husband is aware we slept together again, he moved into a guest house for a short while and wants to move back in tomorrow, I really don't think I want him back (I've stopped seeing the other guy through this btw) he beat someone up while he was drunk last night and is threatening to do the same to the bloke and his daughter. So scared, as he says he still wants to be with me and I don't understand why when I've been so terrible to him.

Sorry

[prettyfly1]

also, by going to your mum he is hitting the most dangerous stage - the one where he tries to isolate you from support or people who could stop him. Please god dont let him in.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Call women's aid now. You need a restraining order with power of arrest now.
I'm sorry to sound harsh and scary here, but tthis man is going to call again and ask to come back, and when you refuse again, there is a very good chance of him coming back to the house and trying to get inside and do you serious harm. He's a violent, unstable alcoholic who is convinced that he owns you and is therefore entitled to beat you up and control you.
I think you and your DC are in serious danger, and you need to get the threats, etc, logged ASAP. Are there any records of his previous assaults on you (or on anyone else, for that matter?)

You owe him nothing, by the way. He's bullied you for years and it frankly serves him right that you looked to someone else for a bit of comfort.

[prettyfly1]

what solidgold said.

[lessonlearned]

That's it ITE, let him know he has played his final card!!!
He has blackmailed you with the threat of his revalations to your family and now he has nothing left to hang over you!
Print off this thread to show your mum what you have been going through between him and the other vulture and tell him the game is now over!!!!
Go to counselling, by all means, but go on your own. He has no intention of changing and/or letting you change.

[GypsyMoth]

No a amount of " counselling" can change what he has done. That's in your head forever.

[HolyGuacamole]

Good to see you came back intheend and WELL DONE for confiding in your mum!!!!! Honestly you have done the right thing!!!

What a prick he is going to your mother because he wasn't getting his way with you!! It is yet another example of the various lengths he will go to. Did he think that by going to your mum that you would run back to him? Or did he think your mum would have been upset with you? I bet he held back on the other details like him beating the crap out of you, hitting you in the car in front of your children etc etc etc.

You have started a very good process! Don't let this man back into your life, EVER! One 'apparent' counselling session does to even BEGIN to deal with the issues this man has, do not let him convince you otherwise. He is DANGEROUS!

You have been very brave, please post on here because you will get lots and lots of encouragement and support no matter what. And well done also for booking yourself in for counselling. You have made excellent progress even if you don't think it......

Check this:
You came on here and spoke about it for the 1st time ever!
You did not let him back in!
You confided in your mum!
You booked yourself in for counselling!

Again - a big fat WELL DONE to you!!!!!