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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long.......All my fault I know, but scared.....

82 replies

intheend · 06/02/2009 12:01

I met my husband while he was still married (he is 19 years my senior). We instantly hit it off. His previous marriage ended and we continued our relationship. I fell pregnant quickly (I already had one daughter). His divorce was very messy and as a result of the stress he frequently started drinking heavily. We decided to keep the baby, we bought a house together. Our relationship was fantastic in so many ways. His heavy drinking when stressed however became more frequent and he would stay out late and demand I collect him from the train station late at night dragging the girls from their beds. On one occasion he turned violent in the car driving home. Rows became frequent, and I developed massive insecurities.... I found it impossible to relax and was paranoid all the time just wondering each day what the evening may have in store. We'd always patch up, he would be very sorry etc and I kept trying to deal with paranoia and nervousness.
A few years later we moved house and things were calmer for a while and then the same routines started up.
I then pulled myself together, relaxed more about my anxieties and started to enjoy life. Then I received a phone call from police requesting give a statement against an old school teacher of mine who had been arrested for sexual abuse, my world fell apart and I had to drag up memories from the past. I really needed my husband at this time and through no fault of his own was unable to be around much at all due to work commitments but for me all the old memories of our early relationship came flooding back. Our next door neighbour and I began chatting, he listened to me and was a shoulder to cry on... one thing led to another and we slept together (I know this is unforgiveable). To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant again. My husband worked this out and I had to tell him the baby wasn't his, I had an abortion which if I'm honest I regret even though it was the right thing to do. We worked hard on our marriage after a few setbacks, eventually he beat me up and I think that helped even things out for him. Things had been ok since but I'm reminded of my infidelity in every row or disagreement (to be expected I know). Anyway, there is obviously something wrong with me as the "neighbour" called me on the anniversary of the abortion and we ended up sleeping together again and began an affair. My husband is aware we slept together again, he moved into a guest house for a short while and wants to move back in tomorrow, I really don't think I want him back (I've stopped seeing the other guy through this btw) he beat someone up while he was drunk last night and is threatening to do the same to the bloke and his daughter. So scared, as he says he still wants to be with me and I don't understand why when I've been so terrible to him.

Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 17:48

Part of me so agrees, like when I asked him his reasons for wanting to come back he said things like it's the practical thing, not upsetting our families (imagining how devastated they would be to learn of my misdemeanours), not upsetting the children and that the best one yet he likes being looked after (housekeeping wise) and apparently I do this very well! He said we'll have sex but it will be unemotional and purely functional because he will not allow himself to have his heart again.

Obviously I don't wish to upset our families. However I believe they'd get over it and ultimately support us. The children have already been upset with rows they've heard, my youngest even asked why we bother to stay together. As far as the housekeeping and sex is concerned....

I guess I know I want it over but I do feel guilty for my part in this and he must be hurting inside terribly, however I don't think the above reasons are going to make either of us happy. Just frightened of his reaction.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 06/02/2009 17:56

You do realise he will beat you up again to 'even the score' for the affair, don't you? Maybe one beating for each week of the affair. Then things can get back to normal as long as you show him respect.

It's your choice of course, but I think it would be a mistake to resume your relationship with him, but if you choose to, then prepare yourself for a good kicking. Is that what you want?

Do you feel somehow you deserve one?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 06/02/2009 17:58

He doesn't sound hurt. he wants a housekeeper/prostitute.

Nice. How classy. How good you must feel about that.

HolyGuacamole · 06/02/2009 18:03

Jesus, no wonder you're frightened of him. I feel really angry towards this man!

Where is solidgold? Some of her words would not go amiss here.

He wants you for what reason? He can't give himself to you emotionally. Sex would be a function and not an act between two people who love each other. He likes having the housework taken care of. WTF! Yes, I totally give consideration to the fact that he is smarting, however, there are ways of dealing with things and his way is wrong, very wrong.

Isn't being with someone meant to be about love, sharing, talking and equality? I don't get that he wants to be with you but forego all of that. You've had some awful lessons in what men should be like. He is not normal and the way he treats you is not normal.

Yes of course your families will be upset. However, I think the prevailing feeling would be relief that you have seen the light and opened up about what is happening to you. In fact, I am sure they would be utterly shocked and worried for your wellbeing. I see him as giving you a thinly veiled warning that he will spill the beans on you should you split up. I wonder if he considers that you might spill the beans on him too? He is trying, again, to shame you into his way.

Your family will never take his side over yours. Blood is thicker than water and families will almost universally and naturally forgive you for things that they would never forgive him for. Do any of your family or friends know that you're going thru this?

NAB09 · 06/02/2009 18:05

You deserve so much better.

Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 18:12

None of my family or friends know the extent of it... one of my girlfriends knows I haven't been happy but I've been reluctant to tell her too much because she has a habit of telling the town (lovely though she is). The guy I was seeing knows. I haven't spoken to my mum and sisters because they "love" him so much as he constantly reminds me! They do to be fair, when we first got together he made a real effort to get to know my family and he's lovely to them as he says they would be devastated that I'd mucked him around when he works so hard (he does work hard) and provides security for his family.

OP posts:
squeaver · 06/02/2009 18:13

How devastated your families would be to hear about your misdemeanours??? How would they feel about the fact he beat you up?

Hecate is right; he's going to do it again.

Do not let him move home.

This is one of the saddest stories I've read on MN. But there are SO many people on here who can help you. Please, please listen to them.

what2donow · 06/02/2009 18:18

He's a real horror. I hate the way some men do this blackmailing thing to worm their way back. Please don't believe what he is saying, see it for what it is which is him trying to get what he wants (a roof over his head/ housekeeper/convenient, emotionless sex).

He knows at his age - from what you've said he must now be nearly 50, right? - he's going to struggle to find someone else to put up with him prob because most women his age wouldn't tolerate him, and I expect he's getting too old to attract much younger women now, he's also too old to change his ways, so the easiest option for him is to bully and coerce you into taking him back.

Your family might be disappointed in you. But I'm sure they would be much more horrified by his violent behaviour.

As someone said earlier, think about where you want to be 20 years from now. Do you still want to be in the same unhappy relationship with this man, dcs grown up so then it will be just you and him?

You do deserve better, honestly, whatever you may or may not have done in the past. You deserve to be happy, and loved. I can't see that happening with him from what you've said.

Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 18:21

Thank you all again. I am waking up slowly, although it has taken me time and I do feel responsible and hate to see him hurting. I feel incredibly sad and numb. I really need the courage.... seems that the best thing is the bravest and hardest thing.

OP posts:
NAB09 · 06/02/2009 18:24

it IS NOT your fault he is hurting.

He probably knows you have wised up to him and he is using your fmaily to get his own way.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 06/02/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

what2donow · 06/02/2009 18:30

You will feel sad. Thats only natural. however much of a shit he may be/have been, you clearly loved him once, and he's the father of your dc. And because you are clearly a kind and lovely person, you won't want him to be sad.

My ex was horrible to me in many ways, but when I left him he cried for days (I had to tell the dcs he was feeling poorly) & wouldn't go to work. I felt awful yet it was him who had brought us to that point by years of abuse. Yet I still felt sorry for him, and bad about leaving. However it didnt change my mind, and nearly a year (and all other kinds of crap later which I'm still dealing with) leaving him is still one of the best things I've ever done.

So stay strong. And keep posting on here, cos you will I know get lots of support.

what2donow · 06/02/2009 18:32

I know the hug thing is frowned on so hadnt sent one (as I'm a chicken really), but as reality has done it first....

((((( hug)))))from me too, and lots of staying strong and resolved vibes.

Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 18:34

Thank you for the hugs

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 18:37

Do you have someone in your family who you could confide in? Don't worry about upsetting them, I am sure that they would be more upset about you staying with an abusive bully.

He has convieniently forgotten that the reason for your infidelity was his abuse, his behaviour. Ok, that does not excuse you completely, but if he had not abused you and made you so miserable you would not have sought comfort elsewhere.

He does not deserve your respect. Respect has to be earned and you don't earn respect by bullying and beating up your partner.

I think that councelling would be very good for you. Without him.

MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 18:42

(((hugs)) and [Swiss chocolate] coming your way from Switzerland

Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 18:48

Swiss chocolate.... now that's something to smile about

OP posts:
Wonderstuff · 06/02/2009 19:08

he didn't believe it was necessary but would go along with it. I guess I'm apprehensive about what I may discover, he's already told me I'm not "relationship material" and wouldn't be able to make a go of things with anyone else and so would just end up back with him anyway, judging by past history he may have a point.

He is saying this to destroy your self-esteem because he feels this is the best way of keeping you with him and continuing to put up with his shit. It is not true. Counselling will not confirm his opinion of him, quite the opposite it will help you re-build your self-esteem so you fully understand that you do not deserve him, you deserve much much better.

Please don't let him back, the thought of him 'evening things up' makes my blood run cold.

QuintessentialShadows · 06/02/2009 19:18

That text says it all really, doesnt it. What a sick, twisted, evil bastard.

He will stop beating you up, but ONLY if you show him respect, behave well towards him, and cut your attitude. In other words, if you DONT then he will be violent. That is not reassurance honey, that is a threat. You take him back, and you accept that this is how it will be.

Who decides if you are respectful or on good behaviour? He does. He may beat you senseless, and say "hey, you were not respectful" this is our deal!

Please do not take him back.

He is trying to control you, convince you nobody will want you. That is not true.

HolyGuacamole · 06/02/2009 19:19

intheend - do pluck up the courage to talk to someone in your family about this. The words will be very hard to get out but once you have done it, the sense of relief will be amazing and cathartic. Not to mention the support you will receive.

Imagine for one tiny second, one of your children told you these things were happening to them, how would you react? You would jump and do everything in your power to drag them out of the situation. And you would see the son in law that you "love" in an entirely different light. You would be disgusted that he had treated your daughter like that, that he managed to hide it from you and that he made her so frightened that she was afraid to tell you. You would judge him and not your daughter.

You really need support under these circumstances, don't ever be afraid to ask for it.

Original poster
intheend · 06/02/2009 19:32

I'm so confused. Today is the first time I've ever written this down or talked about it and I thank you all for your support and kind and honest words. I still see things as before from his side and my wrong-doings but now also realise how unhappy he has made me... can't stop crying for Christ's sake!
He's just text me again to say we need to start having fun again! Does that mean he's not bothered anymore or what?! Only last night he was saying he needed "sweet revenge"
I feel sick!
I will talk to someone soon...

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 19:38

He is trying to rob you of self-confidence, to have you scrambling to keep up with his emotions and moods.

Don't let him control you and manipulate you any longer.

I have never been in your position, but a good friend of mine has and she has finally broken free. She is like a different person, her own person.

You have written a lot about what he wants. What about YOU? What do you want? Where are YOU in his happy families scenario? You are not just a wife and mother. You are you.

Dominion · 06/02/2009 19:41

He is messing with your head.

Dont let him.

lessonlearned · 06/02/2009 19:41

Just want to echo....he's a nob, your username says it all.
Get shot and enjoy finding out about nicer people.

catsmother · 06/02/2009 20:18

That text made me feel sick.

"Respect" is a subjective concept, and it will be him (of course) who gets to decide what is and isn't appropriate "respect". Thus - whatever you do, however you behave, there will always be a very high risk that it won't be to his liking and bingo - he has the excuse that you haven't kept to your side of the "bargain" and therefore deserve to be beaten up.

Please don't get back with him .... anyone capable of sending that sort of text is dangerous. Apart from the implied future threat it contains, it also blames you for his past behaviour (apparently due to your "attitude").