Long.......All my fault I know, but scared.....

[intheend]

I met my husband while he was still married (he is 19 years my senior). We instantly hit it off. His previous marriage ended and we continued our relationship. I fell pregnant quickly (I already had one daughter). His divorce was very messy and as a result of the stress he frequently started drinking heavily. We decided to keep the baby, we bought a house together. Our relationship was fantastic in so many ways. His heavy drinking when stressed however became more frequent and he would stay out late and demand I collect him from the train station late at night dragging the girls from their beds. On one occasion he turned violent in the car driving home. Rows became frequent, and I developed massive insecurities.... I found it impossible to relax and was paranoid all the time just wondering each day what the evening may have in store. We'd always patch up, he would be very sorry etc and I kept trying to deal with paranoia and nervousness.
A few years later we moved house and things were calmer for a while and then the same routines started up.
I then pulled myself together, relaxed more about my anxieties and started to enjoy life. Then I received a phone call from police requesting give a statement against an old school teacher of mine who had been arrested for sexual abuse, my world fell apart and I had to drag up memories from the past. I really needed my husband at this time and through no fault of his own was unable to be around much at all due to work commitments but for me all the old memories of our early relationship came flooding back. Our next door neighbour and I began chatting, he listened to me and was a shoulder to cry on... one thing led to another and we slept together (I know this is unforgiveable). To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant again. My husband worked this out and I had to tell him the baby wasn't his, I had an abortion which if I'm honest I regret even though it was the right thing to do. We worked hard on our marriage after a few setbacks, eventually he beat me up and I think that helped even things out for him. Things had been ok since but I'm reminded of my infidelity in every row or disagreement (to be expected I know). Anyway, there is obviously something wrong with me as the "neighbour" called me on the anniversary of the abortion and we ended up sleeping together again and began an affair. My husband is aware we slept together again, he moved into a guest house for a short while and wants to move back in tomorrow, I really don't think I want him back (I've stopped seeing the other guy through this btw) he beat someone up while he was drunk last night and is threatening to do the same to the bloke and his daughter. So scared, as he says he still wants to be with me and I don't understand why when I've been so terrible to him.

Sorry

Please, please, please, do not let this man back into your home! your children should not be witnessing this, my blood boiled just reading that they were dragged out of bed to pick that lout up! this is not your fault, nobody is perfect but to me your actions just scream that your are unhappy, traumatised and crave some stability in your life, he is a bully and you can get your life back - it will be a bumpy road I am sure, but there are some wonderful ladies on here with fantastic advice, who have been there and got their lives back. How old are your children, could you speak to them? sometimes when your children say things, this is all you need to change the situation, my eautiful friend is in her 30s and has never forgotten witnessing abuse in childhood, this has moulded her entire life. Sending love to you and your childrenx

Crowley - come back and tell us if you are a 'little devil'

My girls are 9 and 7.
We spoke this evening, he was very charming at first but when I said I didn't want him to come back tomorrow he started to get heated.... he made one point though that if he he's always been this way then I shouldn't have married him in the first place because you shouldn't expect people to change.
I feel kind of cheated by that remark since he said in the beginning it was all down to the stress of his divorce and job change. Or maybe that's what I wanted to believe.

Sorry, ITE, last post x'd

Yeah probably became a bit heated because you're not reacting how he is expecting. You're not being a pushover.

Yeah you probably did want to believe that he would change. Sometimes the hardest realisation is that someone isn't the person we wanted them to be and that they never will be. Love has a habit of putting up all kinds of blinkers

Do you know if he hit his ex wife? Does he have children from that relationship and if he does, does he keep a relationship going with them?

By the way, WELL DONE for telling him you don't want him home. That was extremely brave of you and you should be VERY proud of yourself.

I echo that. You were brave. Well done.

He might not have changed. But you have. You are no longer accepting to be treated with lack of respect, violence and contempt. You dont want your girls to grow up and see women treated this way.

Stick to it.

You CAN NOT and MUST NOT live in the same house as someone you are afraid of.

Can't you see that makes sense??

He won't have always been that way though - some time, right at the beginning, he was able to perform a brilliant act and cover his true nature. You fell in love with that person - not his true person (as I did with my ex).

His "you shouldn't have married me then" is shit - he wouldn't have behaved like that to begin with because he wanted to suck you in.... NO-one would stay with an abuser if they were obviously abusive from the outset (IMO). Abusers are way too clever to be so obvious - they work insidiously, creepily getting under your skin and in your head til you start doubting yourself

So next time he says that, tell him he's a bullshitting bully - nothing more, nothing less.

So what he is saying then(you shouldn't have married him if he was like that from the beginning)surely goes both ways? You were having an affair with him when you first got together. If he can be the way he is with you 'because he always has been', then why did he think you would be faithful. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not having a go or judging you at all. I despise violent men and have been married to someone that sounds very similar to your h; contolling, violent, worked on my weaknesses and made me feel like no one else would give me the time of day...Don't listen to his excuses/reasons etc. There is no excuse or reason to hit a woman. You deserve more than this poor excuse for a 'man'.

I hope you can get past him and be happy with your girls.x

Now(Lewis), I really am going to my bed.

Am hoping that my post comes across as I intended it to.

intheend - HUG this is a 'giving you strength' HUG, not a sappy 'there, there, pet' hug. Right, take it, hold onto it and stay strong against this bully.

There are so many good posts here, please read them all again and the links. Realise that what he is saying to you is so completely 'text book' abusive behaviour.

No one else would want you... that's what they all say. So many women believe it, because they have been told it again and again. It is rubbish, it is a way to control you, nothing else.

He said yesterday he wants 'Sweet Revenge' can you imagine what kind of a beating that will be if what he did the first time didn't 'keep you in line'???????

Tell your family - tell them everything, then he has no hold over you. He cannot threaten to tell them about your affair. I am sure that once you tell them what he has been behaving like, your affair is going to be a big, fat, nothing to them. They may love the person they thought he was, but they love you for who you actually are.

You asked what kind of responsibility do you have for his behaviour if he beats someone else up because you wont let him beat you up move back. NONE. His behaviour is his responsibility and his alone. Don't even go there, you have enough to worry about already.

Do not let him in, get a restraining order. Keep this bastard away from you and from your children.

[I haven't been in this situation myself - which means I don't know how you feel, but it's clearer to see what is really going on]

Stay stong!!.

I see what you mean solo - its a good point and another example of one rule for him, another for OP

Please, OP, get out whilst you still can. I was in a violent relationship and i put up with it for so long because i thought that it was best for my DS.

My XP ended up smashing a window in our face, he ha hurt me in many different and very violent ways.

Please get out before he hurts your DDs, its not just you that you have to look out for, its them too.

DO NOT LET THIS MAN BACK IN.

You are worth so much more.

I only saw this as i was about to go to bed, i will be watching and will help if i can.

Do not let him talk his way back in.

How are you doing today, ITE?

I agree with the other posters. Think back to when you met him. Would you have gotten involved with him if he was violent towards you in the beginning? Of course he was different, but it was not because he has changed, it is because he hid his nasty side.

ITE, hope you're okay today. Have read this thread with horror. Please take care of yourself and your girls, this man has threatened to beat up someone else's child

Stay safe. There are Big Red Flags about this situation, and you could do with talking to women's aid and getting them to do a risk assessment with you and give you some really good advice on what to do.

All abusive/violent partners try to make their victim feel as if they are at least 50% to blame. But we all have a choice about how we behave, what steps we take to get help for violence etc. Doesn't sound like he's taking any responsibility at all so far.

Please be careful...shall be thinking of you

intheend Hope you're doing ok?

Man ...

Sometimes read threads here and think that you lot judge men way too harshly. But in this case ... LEAVE HIM. Whatever you have done, what he has done is worse and unforgivable. Don't have counselling with him, don't try to work it through, don't listen to his promises. Leave him. He sounds dangerous in so many ways, and utterly unaware of his own responsibiity for his own actions.

op are you ok?

I really hope you are ok and have stayed strong and kept him out, i know it is so hard to do but just think about all the bad things he has done you you, try to go right bact to the situation and write down how you felt at the time, bring back the anger for him, that is what i do when XP tries to weasle his way back in.

Please let us know you are ok OP

It will get so much harder to get rid if you let him back in, please dont for your DCs sake.

ITE i hope you are ok???

Hello all
Sorry, have been without internet access until now. He hasn't yet moved back. I've spoken to my mum... actually he rang her first to tell her I'd had an affair etc so I then filled her in on the whole story and she has so far been supportive. He has told me that he went for a counselling session this morning and I have a session booked for Thursday evening

I feel a little ill reading your posts. You are abused in the worst way possible and if you return to him he will kill you. That is not scare mongering. I would lay huge amounts of money that he has not been to councelling and is saying that to manipulate his way back in. I can tell you now that underneath it, his rage at your "perceived betrayal" which is nothing more then you desperately seeking warmth and reassurance after years of abuse, is just simmering below the surface and he will turn and he will hurt you again. How badly i dont know. I advise that you call womens aid and pack your bags and leave as soon as you can. THis man has huge mental issues that you cannot solve. You are not to blame for them. You cannot change them. You cannot protect him from himself. You need to get out please. For your kids sake and yourself. Stop the abuse now and walk away for good. THat "yet" sent chills down my spine.

Counselling? That kind of thing doesn't work overnight! Don't hold on to any form of counselling as way of changing him. Op, I think he'll be back in your home by the weekend. You need to find some strength and keep him out!