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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dad. i dont like him. i never have. he insists on coming to visit everyfortnight and id rather he didnt

67 replies

nailpolish · 05/02/2009 12:25

tbh i wouldnt be bothered if i never saw him again
he was awful to me and my brother
borther has forgiven him
but he treats brother like a grown up now whereas he treats me like i am stupid and thick and worthless (as he treats all women)

my dds like him

i wish he wouldnt come to visit
he sits on his arse and i have to wait on him hand and foot

he is going to be here in about half an hr and i feel angry

OP posts:
KarlWrenbury · 05/02/2009 12:25

why is it so regular?

MarlaSinger · 05/02/2009 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 05/02/2009 12:27

why on earth did you ever get in the habit of letting him visit so often?

tell him this week that you think you'd prefer it to be monthly not fortnightly (although if he's that bad i would just not let him visit).
Tell him where the kettle is and tell him to make YOU a cuppa

NancyAnnSeancy · 05/02/2009 12:28

Well, darling tell him he's not coming any more.

He can pick up the dds and take them somewhere, or you can drop them at his maybe?

You don';t have to give house room to someone you can't stand.

elliott · 05/02/2009 12:29

I have an annoying dad too. At the moment I am trying a new approach where I tell him (factually, without getting angry with him) how his behaviour makes me feel and what I would prefer him to do. It does seem to help, particularly in getting rid of those pent up angry feelings.
So, why wait on him hand and foot? Why not try treating him as you would treat anyone else? It might help change his behaviour.
But, tbh, he is your dad and your dd's grandad so I think it is good if you can manage to see him regularly. You just need to work on stopping it upsetting you.

Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 12:29

if i ask him to make a cup of tea he makes dishwater - laughs - and says "you wont ask em again will you?"

he is lonely and retired and has bugger all else to do apart from sit in my house and eat my food and say things like "you are puttng on the beef arent you?"
"hows that little job of yours doing?"

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 12:30

i do not trust him to take my dds out
he can walk them around to the shop but taht is it

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 12:31

i just cant shake off the past

he tries to give me money but i tell him i dont want it

OP posts:
elliott · 05/02/2009 12:31

just read the other posts and see I am an outlier...
I don't think its unreasonable to see a father (who presumably lives locally and doesn't have a partner?) every couple of weeks.
I try to see my dad at a reasonable frequency because I know it means a lot to him. Even though I wouldn't particularly miss it if I didn't see him. But perhaps the difference is that I have largely stopped being angry with him for how he behaved when we were children, and I also know that even though he doesn't always behave very well, he does love me and my family.

Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 12:33

shit ehre he is

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfGhosts · 05/02/2009 12:33

You don't HAVE to have him to stay. You don't have to open the door. Put your foot down. What's the worst that could happen? Can you deal with that? Does he matter, really?

Biologically, he gave sperm. If he wasn't a father, what do you even owe him?

elliott · 05/02/2009 12:34

I don't trust my dad with the kids either. And he lives too far away to come for a short trip. So I'm lumbered with weekend stays when I have to absolutely everything and don't even get thanks for it.

NancyAnnSeancy · 05/02/2009 12:35

How much do they like him? Maybe you could ask them how much they'd mind oif you cut down the visits? They must sense that you find it uncomfortable and that won't make them feel great anyway about it.

I was subjected to relatives all my childhood, and ended up hating them as my partents didn't get on with them - it was quite sad. I think if I'd seen my parents doing what they wanted, and seen the relatives less, I'd have been far happier all round iyswim.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2009 12:36

nailpolish,

Why do you have him visit you at all?. Out of guilt and or feeling sorry for him?. That's not a criticism of you at all but I would assure you such feelings are misplaced.

He may well be both lonely and retired now but this does not excuse him from acting this way towards you. He sounds like a toxic parent. He shows you a complete lack of respect, all he seemingly cares about is his own self.

Bet you as well he's never apologised for how he treated your brother and you nor accepted any responsibility for his actions.
Such people as well rarely if ever change and you certainly cannot make them change.

You would not let a friend treat you like this, your Dad should be no different in this regard.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2009 12:36

nailpolish,

Why do you have him visit you at all?. Out of guilt and or feeling sorry for him?. That's not a criticism of you at all but I would assure you such feelings are misplaced.

He may well be both lonely and retired now but this does not excuse him from acting this way towards you. He sounds like a toxic parent. He shows you a complete lack of respect, all he seemingly cares about is his own self.

Bet you as well he's never apologised for how he treated your brother and you nor accepted any responsibility for his actions.
Such people as well rarely if ever change and you certainly cannot make them change.

You would not let a friend treat you like this, your Dad should be no different in this regard.

NancyAnnSeancy · 05/02/2009 12:36

Hope that doesn't sound like I'm blaming you, I'm not, just bear in mind they need you to be happy, he sounds a right old codger

Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 15:55

i let him come cos i feel sorry for him
and if i put him off he just keeps asking and asking asking and its easier to say yes wednesday is fine
he lives quite far away and gets the bus but i dont let him stay over
he can drive but ocs he isretired he gets the bus for FREE

he has just told me he isnt getting the bus til 9pm, i do meal planing and tonight we are having cauliflower cheese - he says "well id otn like that make something else"

god he is so fucking awful

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 15:56

no, he has never apoligised ever for anything
he once told me "saying sorry is for weaklings"

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 05/02/2009 15:57

just say 'no' then suggest he gets an earlier bus if he doesn't like your meal offer

Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 15:59

he has bought his ticket he says - but it is free cos he is retired!

i once let rip at him about how he favoured my brother - he sat and cried

i didnt feel sorry for him

does that make me as bad as him? he has never ever helped me with anything
some of the things he did to my brother were so horrible but he has forgiven him without even an apology
he says he wants to make up for being abad parent but to be honest i cant be arsed

OP posts:
chandellina · 05/02/2009 16:00

why don't you have it out with him and tell him how you feel? And if he wants to be a part of yours and DDs lives he needs to at least behave with a minimum of respect?

Sometimes old dogs can learn new tricks with a bit of a kick. (i am not proposing actually kicking anyone, man or dog.)

Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 16:00

when i say favoured he would take him to football practice and boys brigade football but when it came to me i had to stay athome with mum and cook and clean

OP posts:
Original poster
nailpolish · 05/02/2009 16:01

chandellina id love to but im bit scared

i think my brother would be really angry withme

so would mum although she feels the same as me i know she does

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Dropdeadfred · 05/02/2009 16:03

offer to reimburse him for his bus ticket (knowing he hasn't paid for it)...get the timetable up on the internet now in front of him and sugget the next bus he could take in order to be home for his supper

Dropdeadfred · 05/02/2009 16:04

what is it to do with your mum?