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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Torn between dh and dear friend

24 replies

notwhoyouthink2 · 04/02/2009 22:18

I am currently in a messy situation. I will try to keep it short...

My dh, my dd and I share a house (rented) with a good friend. My dh and I are on shaky ground relationship wise. I am considering separating but still have a glimmer of hope that we might make it "back to what it once was" somehow. But, I'm in no way sure that we will be together 6 months from now. So, enter my friend into the equation. In general, no complaints about her from our side. HOWEVER, in the last two months, she has brought home a string of random men and had rather loud boisterous sex. I was traveling for at least two of the events. My dh was kept awake by it all and is FUMING. Early in this series, he told me I needed to tell her to quit it but I seriously doubted there would be repeats. There were. She's been seeing MAN A recently, so I thought it would stop (although there is the problem of their loud sex) but she proceeds to bring MAN B home this weekend followed by MAN A the next day. My husband has effectively said that either she promises never to bring ANYONE home or she moves out or he moves out. We have not talked to her yet. He wants me to talk to her even though he is the one who is most upset about it. I don't really know what to think / do. She is a dear friend, I don't know if my dh and I are going to last, and I may end up alone at the end of all this. I don't know what my question is... I may just need a hug...

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 04/02/2009 22:21

how fucking awful for you, really..
is she your lodger/friend?

on the other hand the gossiping about her might bring you and your DH closer together, but, ewwww, i wouldnt like it personally.

Jenbot · 04/02/2009 22:24

Hmm, why is your DH so upset about it? Is it the noise or the morals?

Can your DD hear? And understand what is going on? How old is she?

Don't worry too much at this stage though, you haven't even tried to speak to your friend yet and if you sit down for an honest chat it might all go much better than you're anticipating.

beanieb · 04/02/2009 22:27

I would be upset by this. trouble is if you all rented it together at the same time then I guess she has as much right to conduct a sex life with whoever she likes whenever she likes.

could you move out?

warthog · 04/02/2009 22:29

i wouldn't feel comfortable with your friend bringing different men home.

but that's a side issue.

i think one of you needs to talk to her and ask her to tone it down.

MsHighwater · 04/02/2009 22:30

I think you need to decide whether you want to rescue your relationship with your dh and, if so, you need to work at that.

I don't think it's reasonable for your dh to effectively ban her from bringing men home altogether, still less for him to get you to tell her about it. A discussion about house rules might be in order, though, if their conduct is actually causing problems.

Frankly, if your relationship with your dh is fragile, probably the best thing you could do to save your relationships with both of them would be for you, your dh and your dd to go and live elsewhere.

Just be sure you don't sacrifice your marriage just so that you'll have a friend whose shoulder you can cry on when it fails.

twoluvlykids · 04/02/2009 22:33

I have hated sharing with people, and having to listen to them having sex.

It would depend on as beanieb says, who's name's on the rental agreement.

If there's a child in the house, I think it puts a different aspect to it all, as well.

Don't worry too much about you "ending up on your own" in 6 months time - anything could have happened by then!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/02/2009 22:40

There are two separate issues here.

I think you and your DH need some space to sort out your relationship issues.
This is another thing getting in the way of it, imo.

I think your friend has outstayed her welcome, and if she wants to live like that, she should get herself a bedsit. Or at least go back to the mens' place.

Original poster

notwhoyouthink2 · 04/02/2009 22:54

Thanks for all the replies. I know I need to talk to her. I just ... argh! And, to him to on separate issues. It all makes me want to hide.

OP posts:

Original poster

notwhoyouthink2 · 04/02/2009 22:57

I think it's unreasonable for her to be bringing so many men home but also unreasonable for him to ban her from bringing anyone home. But, he is stubborn beyond belief and says he is not budging on that aspect. So, just lots of unreasonableness (is that a word?) all around.

dd is 3 and asleep and doesn't hear it. we are all on the lease. I suppose we could move out but she would never afford to stay if we did so likely that she'd be the one to move.

OP posts:

Original poster

notwhoyouthink2 · 04/02/2009 23:00

Oh, and, it's partly the noise and partly the morals that is upsetting my dh. The noise sort of rubs salt in the moral wound, so to speak.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/02/2009 23:02

TBH, I dont think he's being that unreasonable. You have a young child there, and she's bringing men home she doesnt know all that well. It's his home too, and I'm guessing he wants a family home, not a bachelorette pad. Not knowing who he, or your DD might bump into in the middle of hte night on the way to the bathroom. I have to say, I'd be thoroughly fed up if it were me. I really would expect her to sleep over at the guys house. I think it's a bit disrespectful on her part, tbh.

I appreciate how very stuck in the middle you are though.

newlysinglemummy · 04/02/2009 23:06

I think that is not a great enviroment for your dd. I know she is sleeping but tht is a childs home not a student house where people should be going for casual sex.

Not sure who you should side with, but it seems your friend is not being very respectful. I know it is her house to, but I find it weird that she would want everyone to hear her having sex with two different men.

plantsitter · 04/02/2009 23:12

How long have you all been living together? If your dh still sees her as 'your friend' and not 'his housemate' (hence getting you to do the talking) it suggests to me he is not comfortable with her. To be honest I think you'd be much better able to see what's going on with your dh if the 3 of you were to move out on your own. It's stressful living with someone who is at a different life stage from you.

QS · 04/02/2009 23:27

I think you need to live together as a family, just you, your dh and your dd. This is probably crucial in order to save your own relationship.

For all you know, your dh could be resentful of YOU that your friend has such questionable morals, and find it absurd that you find this ok, and will tolerate for your child to have this in her home.

On a separate note, does your dd have her own bedroom? If so, it is a safety aspect for her too, as you dont know what sort of person your friend is bringing into the house in the night.

warthog · 05/02/2009 08:38

actually, i really do see your dh's side. your friend is staying with you, bringing strangers home, bonking them and you won't say anything to her...

i agree that i think it's a bit much that she NEVER brings men home, but i do wonder if your dh is looking for an excuse to get her out.

Original poster

notwhoyouthink2 · 05/02/2009 10:03

I think maybe I should clarify a few things. We all moved in to the same house together about 4 months ago. The total number of men in the house is 4 but we know she's spent the night at men's houses a few times as well. Which my dh finds repulsive. His English is not great which contributes to why he thinks I should do the talking. That said, she speaks his language, albeit not that well. And while I agree that she shouldn't be parading men in and out, I don't think we have the right to say she can't bring what may be a "real" boyfriend home. And, my dh is being extremist and won't budge. Do I need to talk to her? YES. But, I'm not sure I will be happy either way with the results of all of this. I feel as though I am @#$! either way.

OP posts:

beanieb · 05/02/2009 10:48

Ah - so are you just asking if it should be your husband or you who speaks to her?

Is she more your friend or his?

I think that you should speak to her if you have been her friend longer.

warthog · 05/02/2009 10:58

you've been put in the unenviable position of negotiator. could you all sit down and have a chat about it?

dustbuster · 05/02/2009 10:58

OP, you sound eminently reasonable and I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult position.

But boy oh boy there are some judgemental posters here! As I understand it, the OP's friend is NOT a lodger, but is sharing a house with the OP and her family on equal terms. So it is her house as much as anyone else's. She is well within her rights to bring home and sleep with whoever she chooses and I'm a bit at all this talk of questionable morals.

Obviously there is an issue with loud sex, and you would be perfectly reasonable to tackle her about that. But I don't think your DH is being reasonable in trying to control who she brings into the house. In her position I would be furious if anyone tried to do this.

I think unfortunately your only option seems to be to move into a smaller family house - but to try and keep on good terms with your friend who hasn't really done anything wrong, apart from her inconsideration about noise levels in the bedroom.

Good luck!

Original poster

notwhoyouthink2 · 05/02/2009 13:50

I was just asking myself "why exactly did I post this?" (because you are probably asking that too) and, other than the need to moan at an impartial audience, I guess I'm wondering what other think in terms of who's being unreasonable. Or, are we ALL being unreasonable in some way (probably). And, because I feel I need more clarity before I confront the situation as it potentially has important consequences. Thanks for your comments, though, it is helping me to think.

OP posts:

CarryOnUpTheLiffey · 05/02/2009 13:57

Regardless of whether you're having difficulties with your husband, i think her behaviour is inappropriate when she is living with a family with a young child.

I used to live in a rented house ten yrs ago and we were all in the same boat and we showed eachotehr a lot more consideration.

dustbuster · 05/02/2009 14:06

Your friend is being unreasonable in having loud sex.

Your DH is being unreasonable in wanting to control who your friend associates with.

You are being reasonable.

Blu · 05/02/2009 14:16

What do YOU think of the loud sex and variety of men?

How old is your DD?

Is DH your DD's dad?

tbh, I think these are separate issues. It is only possible to have a happy household if all the adults agree on similiar house rules, and not many people would want to share with someone who brought lots of strangers into the house. Or kept them awake for any reaspn - loud sewing machining in the night would be as anti-social in a shared house as loud sex!

I daresay it is also tricky for your bf to be in a household where there is tension between you and DH.

I don't think your DH is being unreasonable about the men and sex per se - even though it isnb't his job to be her morals police.

If your DH moved out, would you bve happy to continue living with your bf and her carnival of bed partners?

If you are to styand ANY chance of repairing your marriage, I think you need to be on your own. Tell your bf this - if she IS your bf, she will understand.

plantsitter · 05/02/2009 14:34

I don't think ANY of you are being unreasonable particularly. I think you have different priorities and lifestyles which make it incredibly difficult to live together, and I think that you as friend to all have ended up in a horrible middlish position!

Would actually say it's the situation that's the problem more than anyone in it, but someone needs to do something to change the situation.

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