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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My DH has stood by me through an awful lot

86 replies

NAB09 · 04/02/2009 12:44

Depression.
Family trouble.
Court case preparation.
Miscarriages.
Emotional affair.
Being stroppy.

What can I do to make it up to him? I love him so much and just want him to be happy again?

Still hoping for Friday night and Saturday day alone as kids going to his parents (he asked if we should go out.) but I want to start now.

I owe him everything.

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NAB09 · 04/02/2009 21:22

He's here

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thumbwitch · 04/02/2009 21:25

hope you're cuddling him as I type this.
NAB, you are showing so much determination to make this right again that I am sure you will.

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NAB09 · 04/02/2009 21:29

Gave him a kiss and then he said what was that for! Told him I didn't need a reason. Shame he twisted his back. He is just making us a bacon buttie each and then we are off to bed, for sleep though a knackered!! (Auntie Flo is a gooseberry too )

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thumbwitch · 04/02/2009 21:31

Aww, glad that went well NAB - have a good sleep and spoon

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NAB09 · 04/02/2009 21:34

he hasn't been upstairs yet so hasn't seen his list.

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notsoclever · 04/02/2009 21:42

Hey NAB, you wrote.."If I could just have a mum for a while to show me how to do everything and get myself organised and in a proper routine I am sure a lot of my stresses would go."

But everyone here on mn is your Mum. There are lots of lovely practical suggestions here for you (and for all of us) about how we can show our love and appreciation.

Take great care of yourself. You deserve it.

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 07:37

I feel overwhelmed today.

Have so much to do. DH isn't able to help with the school run. I have to go into town and it just feels like I am rushing here there and everywhere when really I just want to be in.

And since when does my 5 year old raise her eyes to me???

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Lizzylou · 05/02/2009 09:19

OK, try to just get through today, I sometimes break up my day into segments, to help me get through, eg. By 11am I'll have finished, this this and this, so can have a sit down

How did he like his 10 things?(my DH LOVED his, he opened up about some problems at work and we chatted them through over dinner, so he was very chipper this morning).

Have a good day

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 09:47

NAB - baby steps, try to take things one at a time, concentrate on the job in hand rather than looking ahead to everything else.

And as for your 5yo, my 14mo raises his eyebrows at me!!

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 11:21

Glasses fixed
Enlargement of DD done.
Present ordered for Best Friend.

So got the main things I wanted done but couldn't find slippers for DS2 or toothpaste for him anywhere. Been recalled and not restocked.

Just had a worrying email from a friend and tbh I hope she replies to take my mind of me.

DH loved his list.

Hasn't replied to my text or email but I know he is busy. Will ring when he can.

I am low as I have like I do for so long, isn't just the depression I feel trapped and unhappy here, and I just don't know how I am going to get through it.

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 11:30

why trapped? is it the area you are in or is it because you are at home?

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 11:32

Because I don't like where we live as have no friends.
Because I always have the kids with me.
Because I am married.

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 11:34

oh dear, to the last one especially. would you really prefer not to be married though?

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 12:10

I love my DH so much but I can't get my ex out of my head at the moment and if I wasn't married I wouldn't be causing DH pain.

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 12:29

Just had another lightbulb moment. My mother was completely in love with my dad and has never got over him. I always used to think that the love of your life was the one who got away which is why my ex was always the love of my life. I still feel he is but my husband should be. I do love him. I just wish I could be me again for a day.

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Lizzylou · 05/02/2009 13:06

Nab, the thing about "love of your lives" and "the one who got away" is that they are forever imprinted on our minds as this perfect being, you don't have to wash their socks, cook their dinner, put up with them farting etc, so you look at them with rose tinted glasses.
I have dreams about a lovely guy I had a fling with at Uni, he was so sexy and lovely BUT they are just dreams. Good sex does not a relationship make, you need the full package, love, kindness and patience being a good start which it seems like your DH has in spades.
Hang on in there, your DH loves you, you love him and you are getting sorted.

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 13:29

lizzylou is so right - the rose-tinted "if only" situation is never going to be the reality. If your current DH was not the star he appears to be, I'm sure there would be more reason for you to be hankering after your ex.

This is why you must get some sort of counselling on the go asap, because you really need to sift down and find out WHY you are now hankering after the ex. Is there any chance you can all move house (not sure if you have moved recently or the history of this part of your life) to a nicer area that you have friends in? Obviously this is not the best time to be thinking about that, though.

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 13:40

Whoever I was with, they and I always knew he was the one. I can't even blame rose tinted glasses as he wasn't always that nice to me and I still want to see him. I don't want to leave my Dh to be with him but I do want to see him. I need to just get away either literally or emotionally. It is making me ill now which is crazy.

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 13:41

I would love to move but it isn't the right time and DH could do without the stress of it.

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Lizzylou · 05/02/2009 13:46

So he wasn't always that nice to you?
Nab, get over him, he's not "the one" and he won't ever be, he is just an obsession eating away at your happiness and you need to stop giving him space in your head.
I do know that that is easier said than done, but the sooner you realise that he isn't the answer to your problems the sooner you can move on and start appreciating what you do have.

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 14:06

NAB, he is a worm that has eaten its way into your psyche. you need some sort of mental vermifuge - please try the NLP, it will help to clarify things for you. Their is a strong element of "forbidden fruit" to your thoughts on him, especially if he wasn't even that nice to you.

If you can talk to someone and track back to when things started to make you feel trapped, and deal with that situation, then perhaps your escapist fantasy with this ex will disappear of its own accord, because really that is all it is.

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 14:08

I can't do this anymore.

Thanks guys.

You are all fantastic.

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 14:13

what, you can't MN any more?

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thumbwitch · 05/02/2009 14:15

ah shit, where've you gone? come back and tell us you're ok, please?

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NAB09 · 05/02/2009 14:15

I cna't keep moaning like this. I have to grow up and realise I have a duty to my husband and kids to be the wife and mother they deserve.

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