Oh God, I SO recognise this thing where the part of you that doesn't want to let go finds reasons/excuses to make contact. When I was like this, each time I sent an email/text, I felt 'high' from the feeling of making contact, then if he responded in a way I liked I felt high again and felt like making further contact. Sometimes this would happen and other times he would not reply AT ALL and this CRUSHED me. I felt stupid. I felt angry. I felt hurt. I found myself thinking of more things to say to just try to get him to respond to me. I couldn't handle the fact that he thought of me so little that he didn't WANT to respond.
Time and time again I thought "Why have I done this again, just when I was starting to feel a little bit better and now it hurts just like before again, why do I keep doing this to myself?" Or if he responded, but in a way I didn't like I felt the same but also overanalysed what he had said and worried over him being angry with me/thinking badly of me etc.
I felt if I just sent one more email saying all the things I wanted to say in a way that he would really understand me and he replied so that I knew he had read it and replied in a positive way so that I knew he understood and thought well of me, THEN I could let it go and stop contacting him.
I sent my ONE more email about 3 times. But after the first one I had some more thoughts I wanted to share some time later, then I felt ok ish, a bit better. Then I saw him when he was out with the group I was out with and he asked me a couple of questions I didn't feel I could answer in that time and place, so I sent ANOTHER 'one more email'. I answered his questions but then I also said "I will not contact you again now unless you contact me first, because I can't tell if it is what you want or not (I find you very hard to read) and I don't want you to have unwanted contact from me".
He replied just to say he had read it (because I asked him to let me know if he received it), and to say he didn't have much he could say about anything I wrote, and to say if I felt the need to email him again he wouldn't stop me.
I felt upset at first because he said so little when I had written a lot and it was personal thoughts and feelings. I had wanted more in return. I felt he made it harder for me by saying basically he didn't mind if I emailed him, rather than just accepting that I wasn't going to, but I know that he would not ever contact me first. He was being short with me, which I HATE, but most of the time he ALWAYS had been. I realised I really had to accept that he would NEVER be all that I had made myself believe he was because he is just NO GOOD at talking, not to me, not to anyone that I can see! I could finally see that if he made me feel hurt so many times then he would continue to do that and if I was with him it would NOT be the fantasy relationship that was in my head. Nobody I know HAS that fantasy relationship and I don't think it EXISTS! So I now feel I KNOW I am not missing out on something that could be better and I can relax and stop looking for it and be content with what I already have. It is a big RELIEF.
I HAVE told him all my thoughts and feelings about what happened between us and I can now see that whatever I say he is not going to say anymore than he has said already so there is no point me saying anything else when I really have said everything already. I am happy that I have said all I can say and that I have explained why I am not contacting him anymore and he has at least replied so I know he has read it (heard me). And I decided to completely end it at that point where he had contacted me last rather than me contacting him and then waiting for a response but getting nothing, which feels like hanging on and hoping for something.
I realised it wasn't just HIM I wanted but what I was looking for all the time was more reassurance (I couldn't get enough even though I was married) that I was WANTED and COULD be wanted, and that I'm not so crap that I am unloveable. I subconsciously 'chose' a man who was 'emotionally unavailable' like the people from my childhood and felt that if I could get through his hard shell and make him react to me and make him really show he wanted me and was impressed with me then that proved I was loveable even though the people (similarly emotionally unavailable people) from my childhood never made me feel this. I DID briefly get through his hard shell and that made me feel so high that I felt addicted to it and became obsessed by him. It was all about how he made me feel rather than about loving him for him.
When I said "I miss him" and Therapist said "WHAT do you miss?" I realised it was what I had ALWAYS been missing in my life and always obsessively searching for - the feeling of being wanted and loved and the sorrow about not having my birthparents and having emotionless adoptive parents. That is why the seemingly pointless and silly 'affair' (if it was that) that I had hurt me so much when it went 'wrong' - because it symbolised the larger issue in my life.
I realised that searching for more all the time was not going to fill the gap I felt from childhood, it was just going to hurt myself and other people. Another man can't provide all that I was looking for. I need to learn to be content with the good relationships I have and relax enough to enjoy them and let the feelings fill the 'gap' I feel MOSTLY. I can now accept that it will never be COMPLETELY filled but my life is still good and most of the time happy.
God, I'm sorry all this has come out, typing always makes everything come out of me, but I feel that some of it may be relevant to you NAB! If any of it helps your thought processes along and helps you make sense of things then I'm glad I bored people with my long post!
