Right, listen up everybody.

[RealityIsMyOnlyValentine]

I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

Amen to all you wrote.

PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE:

Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe.

IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, think about...

---Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
---- Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 999. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
---How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
---Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
----Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
----Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
----Going over your safety plan often.

IF YOU CONSIDER LEAVING YOUR ABUSER, think about...

---Four places you could go if you leave your home.
---People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
---Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
---Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
--- How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
---How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
---Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE

 Children (if it is safe)
 Money
 Keys to car, house, work
 Extra clothes
 Medicine
 Important papers for you and your children
 Birth certificates
 Social security cards
 School and medical records
 Bankbooks, credit cards
 Driver's license
 Car registration
 Welfare identification
 Passports, residence permits, work permits
 Lease/rental agreement
 Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
 Insurance papers
 Divorce papers, custody orders, personal protection order from the courts.
 Address book
 Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
 Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)

 8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.

IF YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR ABUSER, think about...

---Your safety - you still need to.
---Getting a mobile phone.
---Getting a personal protection order from the court. Keep a copy with you at all times. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
----Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
----Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
----Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a personal protection order protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
----Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a personal protection order that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
----Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
----Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
----Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must. Preferably in a public place.
----Going over your safety plan often.

WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.

The best message I've read so far !!
Well done !

Please put this back as a sticky, MN!

Thank you LornaMumsnet for restoring this to its rightful place.

This is what I needed to hear right now to clarify that I am making the right decision!! Thank you!

❤️

Yea! Thank you for putting this back, MNHQ.
Cheers!

Thanks MN! 🌹

Just one minor edit to your text... Men are all bastards though lol

Yes, this is great! Thank you.

Glad this is pinned back here!

😪😪this is so very true and wish id had seen this before ! What a brilliant post/thread ! 😬Joined for support ... too nervous to even have asked for any 😔 So just read threads ?... lurk ? still learning abbreviatons .... ettiequte... rules etc.... sorry long reply 😫... 11 weeks today ive been free and out of a 12 yr marriage to a narcasstic financial&emotional abuser class A drug user ! So am now single mummy of 4 x

Absolutely, totally agree

REALLY needed this today after being told I'm a cunt, a fuck and that he could kick me cos I wound him up so much. Thank you!

*wind him up so much

Absolute came through yesterday. International Women's Day. Seemed somehow appropriate.
If you are in one of these awful situations, get out. It's worth it!

Thank you. I needed to read that again. Sometimes I lose sight of how it should be

This is one of the threads that helped me realise I was in an abusive controlling relationship.

It's been 8 months since I moved out with the children (I have another thread under another name). DD and DS are both suffering anxiety and depression to various degrees, but are definitely getting better, and my self esteem is slowly rising. I may even consider online dating in the summer .

You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I am not being abused, but a month ago I finally got the courage to say enough is enough, I deserve someone who is going to cherish me and not take me for granted and treat me like shit...
Thank you...

Some men and women are abused and abusers, both in varying degrees, both physically and psychologically. As a man reading this, and the comments, it's not empathetic or empowering. Abuse is a serious enough issue not to just focus on a single narrative, to alienate an entire subset of victims.
Having said this, from reading the comments it's fantastic that women are being empowered. It's just a shame about the other victims left by the wayside reading that there's apparently a "myth that all men are ba**ds" which needs debunking. It's sad that I expected this from a site called "Mumsnet" with the slightly inviting slogan "by parents for parents".

So well said. Thanks for posting this 👍

@cforte0 yes both men and women are abused and abusers.

However these women on this post cannot speak for the experience of others or those men who are abused.

The thread would appear to simply be their reality and there would be no space to "debunk" anything that sits outside of the story that they own and there is nothing exclusionary in that.